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Borderline Personality Ex


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Has anyone dated an ex with undiagnosed BPD? I've had to seek help for what I've been dealing with the constant back and forth I want you I don't, plus all other signs. My help said that she is borderline and all the articles I read online point to the same. Apparently these breakups are really hard for the non BPD person leaving you to feel how I do. I've posted before thinking this was a normal breakup, but it has turned out ugly. She constantly tells me she wants to be with me then as soon as I open up I get dropped. She is not aware of the things she says it's like dealing with a 3 year old and everything is my fault somehow. Constantly walking on eggshells. I know everyone is going to say go NC, but I'm looking for help for my own sanity.

Edited by Caliguy30
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Yes, my ex was borderline and bipolar. I am very well versed with the cluster B personality disorders, and she nailed borderline.

 

It is hellish. Exactly like you described. Run for your life. The good times are good and bad times are HELLISH. And there's a lot more bad times.

 

I feel bad for them but I feel worse for the people who be with them.

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I doubt this is BPD, my ex is doing the same with me and to be fair I'm probably doing the same to her.

 

It's the loss that hurts the most and this breeds confusion. Stay Silent

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If you're looking to save your own sanity, get the hell out of this situation. She is toxic and this will never be a healthy, normal, or functional relationship. You keep getting burned by her... are you a glutton for punishment?

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Under The Radar
Has anyone dated an ex with undiagnosed BPD? I've had to seek help for what I've been dealing with the constant back and forth I want you I don't, plus all other signs. My help said that she is borderline and all the articles I read online point to the same. Apparently these breakups are really hard for the non BPD person leaving you to feel how I do. I've posted before thinking this was a normal breakup, but it has turned out ugly. She constantly tells me she wants to be with me then as soon as I open up I get dropped. She is not aware of the things she says it's like dealing with a 3 year old and everything is my fault somehow. Constantly walking on eggshells. I know everyone is going to say go NC, but I'm looking for help for my own sanity.

 

 

NC IS for your own sanity.

 

You do not see that now, but eventually enough will be enough.

 

I've been where you are in the past and I had to learn the hard way.

 

The only thing that saved me was walking away forever.

 

You will not be able to "save" her or leave the relationship a "hero".

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All the signs point to BPD. Constantly feeling like walking on eggshells to not cause a fight. Every time I brought up my feelings she'd put up a wall. She says she wants to work things out then acts like I'm crazy when I want to hang out. Goes into a fit of rage. Then two days later loves me again says she wants to hang out then 4 days later fit of rage. She starting to get anxiety and paranoia and blames me. When things were at their best, some random thing would come up and we would fight and she'd push me away. When I have a family health issue she ran away. Not someone I want to be with, but I've allowed so many things to occur and say it's ok. I fit right into the non BPD partner description.

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I'm bpd. When things r at there best is hard for us as we feel its all going to be taken away from us so we take the control by taking the happiness away first. That way we still feel powerful and no one has abandoned us.

 

My ex was bpd. People with bpd can only be in a long term relationship with others who r bpd because even though the whole push/pull thing is tyring we will never suffocate each other.

 

I would recommend leaving her as the likelihood of her understanding her own bpd and getting counselling for it is slim.

 

I still love my ex with bpd but there no way he would do any soul searching. Nothing is his fault and no way will he take a dent to his ego.

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I'm bpd. When things r at there best is hard for us as we feel its all going to be taken away from us so we take the control by taking the happiness away first. That way we still feel powerful and no one has abandoned us.

 

My ex was bpd. People with bpd can only be in a long term relationship with others who r bpd because even though the whole push/pull thing is tyring we will never suffocate each other.

 

I would recommend leaving her as the likelihood of her understanding her own bpd and getting counselling for it is slim.

 

I still love my ex with bpd but there no way he would do any soul searching. Nothing is his fault and no way will he take a dent to his ego.

 

oh God. Thats soo true, whenever things going great, he screws them up. On purpose. Could you please suggest some place where i could find more abt people with this disorder? My bf seems to be one. We kinda ended things a day ago.

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You are a willing participant of your own suffering. Please stop hurting yourself. The entire goal of 'No Contact' is to regain your sanity and move on with life. She acts like you are crazy for wanting to hang out with her? Wanting to spend time with her does make you kinda crazy. You two are broken up. You believe she has BPD. The one thing you will achieve by speaking with her is another fight, continued push and pull, or far worse. Why do you want this for yourself?

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Has anyone dated an ex with undiagnosed BPD?
Yes, numerous LoveShack members have been down that same painful path. Both Rebel and I share our experiences with BPDer women (i.e., those showing strong warning signs of BPD) in his thread, starting at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735.

 

You may also benefit from reading T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. If those descriptions ring some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Cali.

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Downtown. I read your other posts and it looks like you have hit the nail on the head. I know I am codependent and in a relationship I feel like there should be times where one person needs to be strong for the other when they are going through tough times. However, I see now that while I have that as a relationship trait I have been used for the last year and a half to be conditioned like I am constantly needed to be there for her. It's exactly like what articles have said where I have moments of clarity while in the relationship of I'm being used and I've let infidelity and lying go overlooked where I was never that person before. I've always felt like trust is the foundation for a healthy relationship, but somehow thinking it can work now without it. The push pull is so draining, to be honest I'm obsessing over the issue like I can do something about it. I'm constantly looking for a fix for my own sanity to forget about this person and move forward. This is the worst breakup I've had because of the fact that I lost myself in someone else and can't seem to find my first step to finding myself separate from her. She is toxic, but it's that wondering of if she's going to come back again. I know when she comes back I need to say no, but finding that strength to stop this from happening to myself is like being a masochist like mentioned above. Honestly scares me as to the empty person I have become right now.

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Honestly scares me as to the empty person I have become right now.
That emptiness is just a feeling. Don't believe it. It's a normal part of the grieving process you're going through, Cali. I believe you'll be surprised how quickly the "old Cali" returns when you remain NC. But be patient. Your less than two weeks past a relationship that had lasted 18 months.

 

To prevent this happening again, it is important to build stronger personal boundaries so you don't lose yourself so completely in another -- to the point of depending on her for a feeling of happiness and a sense of purpose. You are responsible for making yourself happy and establishing your own sense of purpose.

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I agree. It has been about 3 weeks since the breakup I've gone nc twice and it was broken in 3 days. The push pull has happened every week since the breakup followed by intense rage directed at me and her not realizing that when she says she wants to work us out, that actually means something. Somehow it's always my fault for getting the wrong impression. Last week she pulled me back in and I was anxiously walking on eggshells until Friday where she pushed me again. Now the rage day and I'm assuming she'll try again. I need to stop it and I need to focus on myself.

 

I completely agree with your statement of setting boundaries in my next relationship making sure to take me time. The current ex would always get upset when I wanted time to myself like I was neglecting her. When I just wanted to sit at home at watch a movie with my friends it was totally unacceptable somehow. I allowed this to happen to myself in fear of losing her. Need this FOG to lift so I can get my head clear and I'll never be free of it if I allow her to engage me. The same cycle will keep happening even when she gets in another relationship I'll be her emotional doormat. Not going to happen to me like she did it to her ex.

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LostConfused123

I was with a man for 7 years. Never did know if he had BPD because he refused to seek treatment of any kind no matter how much I begged. . . and begged and begged!!

 

I was constantly walking on egg shells, agonizing over every little thing so as not to set him off, even over thinking little things like what to make for dinner. It was awful and it even got to the point that I thought he was ruining perfectly good days for his own amusement.

 

I couldn't take it anymore and fell out of love and gave up. Now if he had even tried to get help and correct these issues, I never ever would have given up.

 

Anyway, it's ironic that now he is trying so hard to win me back and he's nicer and more thoughtful than ever.

Sadly, it's way too late. I love him as a person and a friend but the romantic feelings for him are beyond DEAD!!

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I was with a man for 7 years. Never did know if he had BPD because he refused to seek treatment of any kind no matter how much I begged. . . and begged and begged!!

 

I was constantly walking on egg shells, agonizing over every little thing so as not to set him off, even over thinking little things like what to make for dinner. It was awful and it even got to the point that I thought he was ruining perfectly good days for his own amusement.

 

I couldn't take it anymore and fell out of love and gave up. Now if he had even tried to get help and correct these issues, I never ever would have given up.

 

Anyway, it's ironic that now he is trying so hard to win me back and he's nicer and more thoughtful than ever.

Sadly, it's way too late. I love him as a person and a friend but the romantic feelings for him are beyond DEAD!!

 

The whole thing has drained me past exhaustion. When I leave where I live for a vacation and get away from her I can actually relax and calm myself. She wonders why I only text her when I'm on vacation it's because it's draining being with someone like that. I didn't want to go places with her in fear that I'd say something that would set her off and ruin our time together or in front of family and friends.

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I didn't want to go places with her in fear that I'd say something that would set her off and ruin our time together or in front of family and friends.
Likewise, I stopped taking my BPDer exW on expensive vacations, most of which she would ruin. I figured that, if I was going to be miserable around her, I may as well do it at home instead of out of town spending $500/day. As you know, Cali, BPDers cannot handle intimacy very long without creating a fight -- over nothing at all -- to push you away. The result is that the very WORST fights typically happen during the very BEST times, i.e., during vacations or immediately after a great weekend or intimate evening.
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So what do I do to recover? She can't even give me am answer what changed her mind about working things out less than 5 days ago and all of a sudden not wanting that. It causes such frustration in me but I'm so used to chaos.

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So what do I do to recover?
Because you're not married to her, all you have to do is stay away. You will be surprised how much easier it is to think straight when the chaos and drama are removed. If you're still miserable, I suggest you obtain a sedative from your doctor to take for a month or two. And consider going to a good therapist for at least a few sessions. That's what I did and it was helpful, especially the sedative.
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Seems easy enough haha. I'm a person who overthinks things and it sucks when I can't get answers. I miss a healthy relationship that ends and at least the person can say something meaningful at least that's what I've had in the past. This is just so confusing dealing with push/pull and trying to focus on the lying and cheating instead of the good times. When a good thought comes up I'm trying to think of the unhealthiness of the whole relationship. Thinking that I was the cause of a problem and sucking it up promising to change. Just having some random thing come up that I didn't see as a big deal and it would ruin everything in her eyes. Just a complete lack of communication.

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If you're looking to save your own sanity, get the hell out of this situation. She is toxic and this will never be a healthy, normal, or functional relationship.

 

my thoughts exactly. Except my BPD experience is an older brother. Ten years ago I cut him off cold turkey because I couldn't handle the drama, and I wrote him a 10-page letter detailing all the crap he pulled and pointed out that he not only hurt the people he was talking about, but he was hurting himself because it put him in a bad light. Then I sent copies to my siblings, my dad and a few other people who were in the loop.

 

He's spoken two me twice, and while I miss having a fun big brother, the relief is HUGE when I consider how drama-free my life is. Just because you love somebody doesn't mean you have to indulge in their healthy behavior. And they will only continue to treat you like crap if you let them.

 

if you seriously worry about your mental health, cut. her. off. completely.

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I miss a healthy relationship that ends and at least the person can say something meaningful at least that's what I've had in the past.
If your exGF is a BPDer, she is so unstable that -- no matter what explanation she provides at the parting -- it will fully replaced by another view as soon as other feelings start flooding her mind. Moreover, because BPD constitutes a "thought disorder," she cannot see your intentions and motivations clearly. Her perception of your intentions is distorted by her intense feelings. Hence, regardless of how articulate and well-intentioned she is at the separation, it is unlikely you will hear her "say something meaningful" and -- even if she did -- her mind would change to another view when the new set of feelings moves in.

Just having some random thing come up that I didn't see as a big deal and it would ruin everything in her eyes.
Worse than that, it all will be ruined even when no random comment or action occurs to offend her. A BPDer is filled with so much self loathing and shame that her subconscious mind will offload much of it onto you, using you as a trashcan in which to dispose of it. That projection will occur even when you are simply in the room, not saying a word and not doing anything at all. And, because she consciously believes that the projection is originating with you, she will then proceed to punish you for having such hurtful thoughts and intentions.

Just a complete lack of communication.
Sometimes, yes. But, for the most part, no. The relationship breakdown is primarily due to a BPDer's inability to trust or to regulate her own emotions -- skills that are not improved by better communication. Indeed, teaching a BPDer better communication skills may make things worse -- to the extent that it makes her better at manipulating you. This is one reason that MC -- which primarily teaches couples how to communicate better -- usually is a waste of time, if not damaging, for BPDer relationships (until the BPDer has first had years of IC to address those deeper issues).
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I am in the same boat. At first I thought I was okay, but now I am still thinking about her a lot.

 

It's been just over two months since my split with my exBPD. I tried to speak to her shortly after the split but she wanted a guarantee that things would change. She then seemed to change her mind and blocked me because I stressed her out and 'stopped her from being happy'. (?) After that, I spoke to her in early January and saw her -- and she was extremely angry with me. She claims that she had moved on and had no feelings for me anymore. She said it was too late.

 

She still won't talk to me and seems to be serious about never seeing or speaking to me again. I'm still a big mess and think about her ALL the time.

 

What can I do to become the happier me I miss so much?? I would start dating someone new but have not had much luck with online dating so far. :( :(

 

Edit: Now she hates my guts and wishes I never existed. What can I do? I am doing NC but it sucks because she was one of my best friends for over four years.

 

It's messed up how she can put up a dating site, apparently date and see new guys and still have NO REMORSE for the pain she saw she had inflicted on me. So messed up!!

Edited by Roses777
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Downtown. It has to be that she's BPD it makes no sense how someone could have such erratic behavior. My roommate and I would be having a conversation and she would chime in and take the conversation to a ten with how angry she was speaking. It's like there was no in between she was either at a 2 or a 10. It makes complete sense that I can literally have no contact with her and somehow we can go from great to terrible. She was really unhappy with her job when we broke up and she just was taking everything out on me. It was like I couldn't vent one thing from work because she would immediately try to say how much worse she has it. Then trying to rationalize with her haha not happening. I have her a card for valentines day as this was when "we were seeing what happens" and she just read it and texted me "your card made me cry....a lot" I said ok do you have anything to say she said no I said haha ok. Then she freaked out that I laughed. I then just said I have no idea why me giving you something when we were in a good place can make you hate me so much it's ridiculous. All she said was I don't hate you. Honestly shouldn't even of replied. I'm sure she's drunk now or something. Who cares to be honest. I'm so tired.

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