Having a relationship break

[somecamel]

Hi,

 

I've been reading a lot of the posts on here and trying to find some sense in my situation.

 

I've been with my Girlfriend for 7 years, 3 years of it was Long distance, the remaining 4 we had lived together.

 

I had a terrible year in 2013, my son became very Ill and my business inevitably failed.

 

I think she took a lot of the strain the last year, I always managed to pay my bills but could never actually catch up on my finances. ( I lost everything when the business failed).

 

Back in August Last year (2013), she started to have an emotional affair with an ex. I had access to her Facebook so saw all the messages. The messages ranged from them talking about getting married to having kids.

 

My suspicions went into overload. I put spyware on her computer, was constantly checking her Facebook and Skype.

 

She got a job in London and effectively moved out, it all happened so fast.

 

Before she went to go and have a look at places she could live. I had seen messages about them meeting when she was up there so I confronted her, and told her if she meets him its over. He lived abroad but has properties in London. She promised me she wouldn't, I found out 2 months later she had.

 

I have become obsessed with her, I was constantly tracking her, checking her Skype messages with friends and scouring her Facebook, we did try to make it work after she had gone up there, she still maintained that she hadn't met him, I knew she had deep down. (i don't think anything happened).

 

I asked her to not to talk to him any more for my sanity, she asked me to stop spying.

 

I didn't stop spying and kept on seeing stuff I shouldn't see, I would kick off every time and try and work out what was going on, she would always deny it.

 

We had a massive blow-up just before Christmas as I had seen something else and I wanted to end it and I ignored her for two days.

 

She was flying home for Christmas so messaged me asking what was going on.

 

Someone we turned things around, accepted that 2013 was a crap year and planned to go out in London new years eve.

 

We done all that and she came down to my new place for a few days after.

 

This gave me the opportunity again to get passwords:(

 

I was on her FB account on the 8th Jan and she had messaged him asking him about good places to go out in london as she had her friend over for the weekend as they were going to a concert.

 

He basically told her that he's over in London again at the end of this month and would like to take her out, she dodged the question at first but the last message was 'Let me know the dates and Ill book you in'.

 

Last Sunday, my jealousy got the better of me so I messaged this guy.

 

I told him that i wanted to remind him that my GF is not single.

 

He came back with some BS then went straight to her to cry about it.

 

Anyway, she got pissed at me asking why I would do it etc.

 

We're now on a break for a month.

 

This is the 3rd day.

 

The emotions i have been feeling are crazy, one minute I hate her, then I love her, then I think about all the bad and then I get myself in a state thinking about the end of the month when he's over.

 

Like I said, I've read a lot of posts on having a break, I'm trying not to be a fool here and accept that the relationship is probably over.

 

She changed her skype password today so I no longer have access, around about the same time that this guy started to follow her on twitter.

 

Sorry Im just venting, I think I know what this is:(

[ithappenedagain]

I am DEFINITELY no expert at this stuff but it sounds like you guys should not be together. You guys both have some serious issues that need to be addressed.

[somecamel]

You're right, we have some major issues.

 

She tells me this has all happened because she wanted to get married and I didn't reciprocate. I have a 9 year old son from a previous relationship so I'm damaged goods so to speak.

 

It's strange how one time your in love and can see yourself together forever, then one day it all changes:(

 

I accept that I'm only on the third day into this with 27 to go, just wanted to vent, struggling to make sense.

[rosedl]

Having a nine year old son has nothing to do with being damaged goods....

 

There is no trust here. She definitely broke trust but instead of ending the relationship, you have tried to stay in and monitor her behavior and control her. Of course, it isn't working.

 

I would advise you google the term co-dependency and read up. This is a destructive pattern and it is just going to keep intensifying. You two need to be apart.

 

You don't have the right to spy on her because she lied to you. And, she doesn't have the right to keep lying to you and expect you to trust her.

 

Without trust, there is no where to go, and I don't know how you even begin to regain trust in this type of situation. It would take a good deal of time apart and then, serious counseling to even have a small chance of working it out. And, given that she is seeing another man on the side, that is highly unlikely to happen.

 

2013 was a tough year for me as well. All we can do is go back to the drawing board and hope 2014 is better.

[somecamel]

Thanks for Your message, I googled co-dependency and you may be right. I was never like this in our relationship before, trusted her explicitly, she's a very pretty girl.

 

I don't know whether to continue on the break for the whole month, I'm not quitting it and going to contact her straight away but maybe In a couple of weeks.

 

I'm still not sure if any of this is salvageable, and if it's not I'd rather just sort it out and not punish myself for the whole month.

 

We Both agreed on no dating whilst on the break, I had to push for it but I just don't believe that she won't meet him:(

 

I joined a couple of dating sites but no where near ready to meet someone yet:(

[rosedl]

As a person who struggles with co-dependency, it is not wise to go on on-line dating sites at this point.

 

The problems with co-dependency will just carry over into your next relationships, and until you address that issue, you are just dooming yourself to repeat that cycle. As long as you are dictated by the co-dependent aspect of yourself, you will keep picking partners based on that rather then real compatibility.

 

You have to heal. I know how hard it is....I am single and I know I am too low and struggling right now to be emotionally available for another relationship. Nor, do I want to use someone to make me feel better and then end up in a relationship I don't want.

 

Breaks are often a way for a person who wants to leave give themselves time to separate themselves from their partner until they feel finally ready to leave. It is a way of leaving with a safety net, a fall back plan. My ex did that to me and it was awful.

 

I am not expert. I am grieving like mad, and finally went no contact after our break went into a breakup three weeks ago. I have been so sad, angry, scared. This is the second time he has done this to me.

 

I can't engage anymore. I know better. He is not good for me and he has a long term history of this behavior with women.

 

I feel for you. Break ups are like a death. Have to grieve and go through the stages.

[Chi townD]

Thanks for Your message, I googled co-dependency and you may be right. I was never like this in our relationship before, trusted her explicitly, she's a very pretty girl.

 

I don't know whether to continue on the break for the whole month, I'm not quitting it and going to contact her straight away but maybe In a couple of weeks.

 

I'm still not sure if any of this is salvageable, and if it's not I'd rather just sort it out and not punish myself for the whole month.

 

We Both agreed on no dating whilst on the break, I had to push for it but I just don't believe that she won't meet him:(

 

I joined a couple of dating sites but no where near ready to meet someone yet:(

 

You're right, that's a promise she doesn't intend to keep. Especially if YOU had to push for it. Tells me that she wants to date. She'll convince herself that she meeting up with a friend rather than a date.

 

Here's the rub. She'll go to the ends of the earth to set something up with this guy. Can you say she would do the same for you?

 

I think you know the answer to that one.

 

You need to let her go. You need to work on you. And in order to do that, you need to go on a strict no contact with her. Ignore all calls and texts. Start making positive changes in your life. Get back up on your feet.

 

It's just as hard to let them go as it is to try and keep them.

 

You deserve better. She is more invested in her Ex than she is of you. That's not fair to you. You shouldn't have to be in competition with some other dude. And stop contacting this asshat. He doesn't give a damn about your relationship with her, so he really doesn't give a damn about what you have to say.

 

Time to let go dude. Time to heal and move on.

[OhThatGirl]

No no no nooooo. If you have to install spyware to know what she is doing, it's not a healthy relationship. It's time to end things and move on. You have zero trust in her (which seems fair as she has done things that have caused you to lose trust.) Have boundaries. She lied. She continues to lie and deceive. She wants a break. Realize that you deserve better than spying on her and pointing out every time she lies. You deserve a relationship where someone is committed and invested in YOU. Who wouldn't lie. Who doesn't want a break.

 

Please don't continue to sink to lower and lower levels. You clearly know it's not working. If you have to install spyware, the trust is gone. Instead of her wanting to fix this, she wants a break. Time to let it go.

[somecamel]

Thanks for all your messages, it's a real help being on here talking to people that understand.

 

The closer you are the blinder you are and this rings true with me.

 

When we started we agreed to block each other on Skype, turn off find friends on our iphones etc, she done this pretty much straight away. When she turned off the GPS i had a sinking feeling, a little part of me still hopes she turns it on at the at end of the month so I can see she isnt meeting him. ( I have a good idea where they will be meeting as he stated this in his messages to her, Don't worry I won't be going up there to stalk).

 

Yesterday she unblocked me on Skype, I had already blocked and unblocked her 17 times in the preceeding 3 days to see if she had unblocked me, I sat there for a bit online, blocked again, unblocked again, went invisible, went online and the madness continued. There was no contact though, i was tempted to message her saying oi i thought I was meant to be blocked but decided against it.

 

What is it that is inside us that still holds this hope that things will work out when you have been subjected to all these lies from someone you thought you could trust.

[TheyCallMeOx]

At first, my ex-girlfriend and I went on a break. She said there was a 99.99% chance of getting back together, that she just needed time to think. When I called her up crying, she exclaimed that I didn't give her enough time to think and abruptly ended our 2 and 1/2 year relationship. The reality of the situation is that once a relationship gets to the point that someone needs a "break," then that's a major sign of deterioration. There's a difference between giving your partner some space and taking a break from each other, and breaks are certainly not done when everything is perfect in the beginning. Regardless of what I believe, it's a major sign that the relationship is going downhill. Once you reach the point where you're avoiding each other, which I believe that "taking a break" is a way to avoid each other, then the relationship is nearing the end. I will admit that in my previous relationship, I snooped a lot. Because I invested so much emotion into the relationship, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to get hurt; so I'd snoop. The reality is that I just didn't trust her. More importantly, I didn't trust women in general. No person wants to be with someone who invades privacy; you and the past I would've thought "well, that just means they've got something to hide" but most of the time it isn't the case. If you treat someone with respect and learn to build trust with each other, then I'd say they're less likely to do things behind your back. What sometimes happens is that you get so worried about them doing things that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy to them. If it's not the self-fulfilling prophesy that does it, it might be the anger to justify doing things behind your back. "If he looks at my e-mail, I'll intentionally give him something to be upset about." When you get close to anyone, they can potentially press your buttons. You don't want to give reasons to push your buttons, and when you get into people's privacy...there is no benefit on your end. The only thing you get out of invading privacy is pain. That is a big problem you have, and I'm guessing that there was something that happened in your past that kind of prevented you from completely trusting a partner. If that's the case, I don't blame you. Like I said, I felt the same way with my previous relationship. However, this is what I've learned:

 

It's important to have trust in the relationship, but not in the way you'd expect. You shouldn't trust your partner. You shouldn't trust anyone. Your doctor can get a diagnosis wrong, a procedure could go wrong, people can hurt you no matter how close they are or how many times they say they "would never do anything to hurt you." The only person that you should TRUST is yourself. Trust that, whatever happens, you'll be okay. It sounds to me like the relationship is nearing it's end, and that's fine because the relationship seems to be stressing you out, there's a lot of trust issues, there's a lot of questionable behavior, lack of communication, etc. However, if the relationship ends...trust that, in the end...you'll be okay. Also, learn from it. Otherwise, that relationship would've happened for nothing. You may be thinking "well, Ox, I can fix the relationship." It's possible, but your relationship is going downhill. The only chance you stand at starting a recovering is by accepting your vulnerability. Don't get her passwords, don't look at her stuff, give her some personal space. Show her why you are better than her ex-boyfriend. Give her something to look forward to when seeing you. Make her feel like you're more important than her past. If you don't make any big changes, she's not going to see any point of staying with you because she KNOWS she could probably get back with her ex-boyfriend and continue right where she left off in her life. You, on the other hand, might get hurt and will need some time with your son and you. You might need to spend some time re-evaluating your life and some internal issues you may be having. If things don't work out, you'll be okay. Since you've lost a business and things of that nature, I'm sure you understand what it means to struggle. You've been through it before, so you can go through it again. Regardless, it's going to be tough. It's supposed to be tough. Relationships that are on the brink of termination don't easily get back up to normal, and no one deals with heart break easy; if so, that's questionable behavior.

 

Hope I provided you with some perspective.

Edited January 21, 2014 by TheyCallMeOx

[somecamel]

Thanks for your thoughts Ox.

 

You are right, the sequence of events has led to all this. I spy, she talks to him, I kick off, I spy again because I dont trust her, she talks to him and I kick off again.

 

I suppose the most painful part is that she doesnt think she's done anything wrong, she accepted that things were said in the past to him that were wrong but she thought we had got past that, Wake up Woman. Once bitten twice shy.

 

I really do need to stop all this spying, it's very destructive. The thing is even if we did get back together, How could I ever trust her again. I would spy, I know I would, I've done it now for the last 5 months.

 

It's still early days in this break, it pains me to not know how she feels and if she misses me.

 

Time will heal this

[sw2020]

Okay, you sound like you're stuck in a really difficult, very destructive downward spiral with this relationship.

 

You're both causing so much damage to one another. The snooping and spying alone would kill a relationship. It's not fair. You really need to take responsibility for this. It's your actions. Even if it's because of her, it's not healthy and you are only going to hurt yourself and push her away. I would be so pissed off if my partner were spying and snooping on me.

 

Her lying and meeting her ex is horrible too. Really horrible. The worst part is she knows you're reading them and still does it.

 

One of you is going to have to take responsibility and either end things, or find a way to end the destructive behaviour. It will just stay in this downward spiral until you hate one another and break up anyway.

 

You're honest about your actions, which is really good. I don't always believe that a poster gives an honest perspective on a situation, whereas I do get that sense with you.

 

Do you feel you have it in you to take control of this situation?

[somecamel]

Okay, you sound like you're stuck in a really difficult, very destructive downward spiral with this relationship.

 

You're both causing so much damage to one another. The snooping and spying alone would kill a relationship. It's not fair. You really need to take responsibility for this. It's your actions. Even if it's because of her, it's not healthy and you are only going to hurt yourself and push her away. I would be so pissed off if my partner were spying and snooping on me.

 

Her lying and meeting her ex is horrible too. Really horrible. The worst part is she knows you're reading them and still does it.

 

One of you is going to have to take responsibility and either end things, or find a way to end the destructive behaviour. It will just stay in this downward spiral until you hate one another and break up anyway.

 

You're honest about your actions, which is really good. I don't always believe that a poster gives an honest perspective on a situation, whereas I do get that sense with you.

 

Do you feel you have it in you to take control of this situation?

 

The positives are starting to get better, the first few days were horrible. I've cleaned the house today and am going to start boxing her bits up this evening.

 

I think I'm the only one that can control this situation. I suppose its easier in some respects that she has already moved away so we have none of the emotional toe treading if we were still in the same house.

 

We do have a dog together which I'm afraid I will re home, I need to start looking at my life now and working things out for myself.

 

Great forum btw guys, It's always nice to get the opinion of people you don't know.

 

I'm sure I'll have some more low times but I always told myself in the past you need to have you low times to realise your high, I need to start taking a bit of my own advice.

[Chi townD]

Look, I'm all about spying. But, only spying until you discover the truth. Well, you discovered the truth. There's no reason to spy anymore. It's done.

 

Time to move on. You need to heal, make positive changes in your life and move on. You need to leave her in your wake and get your revenge. And the best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good life.

[somecamel]

I really want to thank you all for all your excellent advice.

 

I've tried talking to friends but didn't want to alienate the forthcoming ex misses in case things could be worked out.

 

I think it's really good of all of you to give your time freely to reply to some pretty desperate souls and I hope I can be of assistance in the future.

 

When I first started the spying it was also very low key, I could access her laptop when she was at work, (I worked from home a lot).

 

I want to give a warning to anyone that is considering doing what I done and spy at the level I was on my partner.

 

You will find stuff that was not meant for your ears, stuff that will hurt you, I took this to a whole new level and became obsessed.

 

My work suffered and I suspect as per above replies that my spying obsession has had a major role in what has happened.

 

In my defence, she lied to me, she betrayed me but I kind of understand why it all happened.

 

I'm pretty sure this is the end, I'm only 5 days into the break, this has given me a huge chance to look at my life, I still love her but I have a very high bar when it comes to fidelity.

 

The Mother of my 9 year old son cheated on me, we got back together and we had my son, we split 6 months after he was born, that was hard. This girl was the first 'proper' relationship after her.

 

I hope I can keep my positive mind, I'll admit that I did go and see my doctor the other week, I broke down in tears there, so I have some very mild anti-depressants. (20mg Fluoxetine for those in the know), good news is they're working.

[rosedl]

"What is it that is inside us that still holds this hope that things will work out when you have been subjected to all these lies from someone you thought you could trust."

 

It is the holding on to the good and positive things that you received from the relationship and believing that you will be able to get back to that place. It is the natural struggle with letting go of attachments and the very human fear of change.

 

Plus, the end of a relationship is a loss. It can be like a death depending on how close your involvement. You go through the stages of grieving. Denial, Depression, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance. Denial is a self protection mechanism to avoid being overwhelmed with something you are not prepared to face. And, nothing fosters denial like a 'break' instead of a breakup. Emotional limbo, outer circle of hell. You can't stay and you can't move on. It is a stuck place and though the intense pain of the reality of the break up is initially more painful in the short term, a break is just a slow torture of dipping yourself into ice water. And, the worst part is that once you really do get to the breakup, you will have to experience it all fresh as if you had just dived in anyway.

 

Awesome job getting yourself some help with the anti-depressants and taking care of yourself.

[somecamel]

Hi guys,

 

I'm not sure if I made a mistake but yesterday morning I updated my status on 'Skype' to say 'missing you.' She was blocked most of yesterday so wouldn't have seen it, but today she put a status up saying '2:D', which I assume is for me.

 

It's funny how your feelings can change, I wanted to know that she was missing me and she confirmed it but I feel a bit stupid now for kinda breaking the no contact albeit in a half arsed way.

 

I do love her and would love to be able to make it work but I really need to work myself out first.

 

I feel like I'm in a catch 22 situation, to get the trust back I need to stop the spying but then I'm none the wiser if anything else is going on:(

 

I wanted to contact her today but have stopped myself but its hard. I've been going to bed early just so the days don't drag on so much, problem was this morning I was up and awake at 3.30am!!

 

We have 23 days to go on the break, I really do want to see it through and I accept this was a weak moment:(

[Chi townD]

You aren't the first to break NC and you certainly won't be the last. But, do you see how a "2:D" can screw up your day? And you don't even know for sure if that was meant for you.

[somecamel]

It can screw up your day, agreed, such an insignificant gesture but my anger which I was using to get over her was wiped away.

 

It was meant for me, it's the kinda things we say to each other when one says love you or miss you etc.

 

Nearly bed time:P

[somecamel]

I'm 8 days in, I actually feel OK.

 

I've had quite a lot of people contact me on the dating websites, it's cringe worthy because I'm so out of practice on what to say to women:P

 

I do feel a bit bad going on the sites as we did agree no dating but I'm not meeting up with anyone (yet).

 

It's a week now before he's over, trying not to think of it.

[Chi townD]

Dating sites are crap and awkward. You want to meet someone? You put yourself out there.

 

Get a new hobby. When you have that hobby, there's usually a club in your area with people that have a shared interest in that hobby. Join them! You'll never know who you'll meet there!

 

Get out of the house and have some adventures. If you like to jog, then sign up for a Mud Run. Lot's of girls do those and you might find someone there to run with. A lot of girls like to chit chat a little while running. Makes the time go fast. So, you get to know them a little. Believe me, I've seen this happen with my own eyes! Next thing you know, you're talking after the race and you're having a beer with them. Then, BAM! You two are making plans for the next race and exchanging numbers!

 

It is literally that simple.

[somecamel]

Hi Guys,

 

I've had a busy couple of days.

 

I met a girl online and we're going out on a date on Wednesday.

 

I did feel a bit bad at first but then I thought F**k it.

 

I think I've accepted that me and the ex are now over.

 

I know some people might think this is a rebound, so what if it is, I treat women well and I'm respectful so I won't push for anything that she isn't comfortable with.

 

Feel really strange to be dating again after 7 years:)

[somecamel]

The ex has sent me an email.

 

We had a small legal issue with an old property we rented that needed to be sorted out

 

She emailed me saying 'have you heard from the lawyer'?

 

I've been having a really good week, all of this has been going on for 5 months and I had removed her from my thoughts, and this has kinda put me into shock.

 

We agreed we would only contact if anything was urgent to do with this or if we hear something that contact is needed for, not 'have you heard from the lawyer'?

 

This is a beadcrumb right?

[jphcbpa]

The ex has sent me an email.

 

We had a small legal issue with an old property we rented that needed to be sorted out

 

She emailed me saying 'have you heard from the lawyer'?

 

I've been having a really good week, all of this has been going on for 5 months and I had removed her from my thoughts, and this has kinda put me into shock.

 

We agreed we would only contact if anything was urgent to do with this or if we hear something that contact is needed for, not 'have you heard from the lawyer'?

 

This is a beadcrumb right?

 

sounds like business to me. I would not read much into it and do not get sucked in.

 

enjoy your date on Wed.

[somecamel]

I'm not going to rush to reply, not tonight anyway. (11pm here)