Dumpers guilt

[Qqq]

Hey everyone, I am having an extremely tough time and need some advice.

 

Me and my ex were together a little over 11 years and broke up about 5 months ago because I felt we were more of friends then anything else, the passion was gone. She was also very hard on me and always starting fights or trying to find evidence of cheating where there was none. This mixed with the loss of romantic feelings lead to a breakup. If you read my other posts it is more detailed. But this is not why I am posting now so I will move on.

 

So I still love her and care about her but know I couldn't spend my life with her. I suppose I am not "in" love anymore.

 

So she has taken this as bad as you could imagine, for the past 5 or so months every day I get a call, email or text of many different sorts. Anger, pleading, guilt trips and so on. Hearing her cry and beg and asking why I can't love her or make it work is destroying me. So she sent me a text one night saying she loved me and knows we need to Move on and she was sorry for everything she did to force this breakup. And we didn't speak for 3 days and I felt so much better. So last week, after the 3 days had passed, she started up again. This time worse. The crying and begging and the I can't live my life without you and why did you do this to me and to us...it all started and was worse then before and I just can't get the guilt out of my mind.

 

I can't believe I could do this to her. I hate myself. I can't bring myself to stop answering the phone or returning texts and emails because I feel I owe it to her. Plus I don't want her thinking I am okay and have moved on because that will destroy her and she will also hate me, which I couldn't deal with myself.

 

I just want her to be okay and for her to understand I love her and will always be here for her and still want her in my life in some way, but know we can't be together in the way we once were. But this will never happen and I have no illusions of it.

 

I can't stand how badly I hurt her. I am starting to hate myself if that makes sense. I feel like a pure excuse of a human being.

 

I honestly care about her so much that I think about getting back just to stop her pain, even if it means I will not live a life full of the love I hope to find.

 

I mean I feel like doing the dumping is worse. If someone left me, I would move on and figure out how to deal because I have no choice but to. But being the one who did it, I have a choice. I can choose to get back with her and end her suffering or I can choose to look out for me and stay broken up. And I know in the long run she is better off being with someone who loves her then someone who doesn't have the same feelings. But what if she doesn't find someone, what if she gets even more depressed and lives a horrible life, or hurts herself or goes on a date and the guy is a psycho or she starts hating herself for some of the reasons I gave her for breaking up.

 

I know I am just rambling now but I really can not handle this guilt. Most people break up and that's that. I have been in this awkward, guilty limbo everyday for over 5 months. I can't do the no contact because I can't have her think I don't care and I am fine and over it because that will destroy her and she will hate me. I know the last part us selfish.

 

What it all comes down to is I can't hear her cry and beg anymore. It is as if I can hear her heart and soul break everyday. I care about her so much that I want to do anything to make her feel better. I imagine her crying in her room and she doesn't deserve that. I don't know. I am sorry, I just keep ranting.

 

Has anyone felt this way? I feel so horrible I can not sleep or eat.

Edited January 8, 2014 by Qqq

[InnocentMan]

It's a horrible situation to find yourself in, and there is no real easy solution. Eleven years is a long time, and for it to end suddenly for no real reason, (other than you don't want to be with her), is difficult for both of you. It's often much easier if there has been some sort of infidelity, or major issue. You can then leave without the guilt ruining your life.

 

Does she have family close by, or friends that could become involved, because she seems to be having trouble accepting it. Hopefully, you are being clear and concise that there will be no reconciliation. You must be sure about it, and communicate it clearly.

 

It's a delicate situation, and one not easily resolved, but you can't continue with the limbo-land she seems to be in. I was in a similar situation once, and I just completely cut her off, but I knew she had a decent support system in place, family etc.

 

You have my sympathy, because this can be a real ballache.

[Mariposa10]

You remind me of my ex. The day we broke up, I cried for hours and he started crying as well. He cried like three times that day. I asked him why he was crying he told me why was really sad because of how much he was hurting me.

 

Do not give in. She will start feeling better soon. Maybe in a couple of months at least the denial phase will be over. Please, do not get back with her just because you feel pity.

 

I think by now if she hasn't respected your decision of NC. You should block her. I hate having to say this, but this will be the best for both of you.

[Ordinaryday]

The thing is HOWEVER guilty you may feel, understand that there is NOTHING, NOT A THING you can do to ease their hurt other than saying "I made a mistake by dumping you, please take me back". anything, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, else is what they refer to on this board as "breadcrumbs".

 

so if you feel guilty but DON'T WANT THEM BACK then at least show them enough respect to leave them alone.

 

all other contact, like "hi how are you?" will just delay their healing!

[FnlyFrei]

I have been on both sides of this. I think if you are serious, and you really want to move on..and it is over for you...stick to your guns. I know that if someone just stayed with me out of sympathy, it wouldn't be genuine, and I wouldn't want it then anyhow. She will hurt...it will be hard, but I think that distancing yourself is the best thing. Life will go on eventually for her. She probably remembers all of the good stuff. Not the fights or the unhappiness. If you really care about her, you will let her move on as well, and the first step..is to step back.

[Ordinaryday]

I have been on both sides of this. I think if you are serious, and you really want to move on..and it is over for you...stick to your guns. I know that if someone just stayed with me out of sympathy, it wouldn't be genuine, and I wouldn't want it then anyhow. She will hurt...it will be hard, but I think that distancing yourself is the best thing. Life will go on eventually for her. She probably remembers all of the good stuff. Not the fights or the unhappiness. If you really care about her, you will let her move on as well, and the first step..is to step back.

 

the problem is that so many dumpers (I am not saying the OP is one, just dumpers in general) feel guilty about the dumping so they try and do things to ease their guilt, things that they think will help the dumpee but really will just delay their healing.

 

things like saying "we can still be friends", or making meaningless promises like "we can still go out... but as friends", "let's keep in touch... as friends", and so on.

 

they often do this because they somehow think that it will be easier for the dumpee (and them) to remove themselves from their life in slow gradual stages instead of instantaneously, like a breakup would suggest.

 

if they do it this way it can lead to all kinds of hurt, as the dumpee may get false hope that the dumper wants them back ("she liked my photo on facebook - does this mean she wants me back?") and it is unfair to both parties.

 

the dumper should tell the dumpee in no uncertain terms that it is over and then cease contact with them. even IF the dumpee reaches out, unless it is a life or death emergency, ignore them. you sometimes have to be cruel to be kind.

[strive]

if you truly care for her and want her to heal, go NC for her sake.

 

by talking to her, being there for her, and essentially giving her breadcrumbs, you're making her hope that there is still a chance for you. you don't want to hurt her, but that's exactly what you're doing by continuing to be in her life. she won't be able to move on if you keep on being there.

 

you have to kill that last hope in her or she'll never start healing.

[Qqq]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

 

In thinking about it I do leave breadcrumbs I guess. I never initiate contact but I always answer her when she contacts me. The phone calls are the worse because I have to hear her crying and begging and it makes it real.

 

I just feel so guilty now. If I ignored her she will become worse. Or maybe subconsciously I am looking out for my feelings. Like I feel like there is some magic conversation that will make this all better. I guess if I were a stand up guy, I would make the hard choice. I will ignore her and let her hate me and think I never loved her and this way she can move on and her whole life think I am the worst thing that ever happened to her. But at least she would be happy in the long run. But maybe I am selfish and I don't want to be a villain in her eyes. Maybe I want her to realize the way she was is the reason I got to the point I was to have to break it off. And I want her think I am a great guy she lost because of the things she did. This will make me feel less guilt about what I did because it will almost be like she drove me to it.

 

Wow, is that possible. I never thought of that. I don't feel that, but as I wrote it, I can see it making sense.

 

Okay now I feel guilty even more for maybe subconsciously thinking that way.

 

Ugh! I hate myself.....lol. This sucks so much. I just want to be able to breathe again.

Edited January 8, 2014 by Qqq

[devastated777]

don't be hard on yourself. I know it's easier said than done but realistically, would she want you back out of pity and guilt? No, I think not. Who would? Just because you don't want to be with her all in love, blah blah, does not make you bad. You will always treasure your time together as she will too, but not until you strictly adhere to NC. It's tough love (probably from your frame of mind right now), but as time passes, and she heals, you guys can possibly be friends. Who know? but you sound like a person who has good intentions. You cant go wrong there. Go NC so she can heal. She will have no choice but to do this. Everytime you comfort her, you are crushing her again because she has a motive, which is to hear you say, ok lets get back together.

 

You're not a bad person here. My ex dumped me and is a master at NC. I give him props. But I'm not mad at him. If he doesn't want me, then why would I want him to pity me and take me back? It takes two.

You'll be fine with time and NC.

[strive]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

 

In thinking about it I do leave breadcrumbs I guess. I never initiate contact but I always answer her when she contacts me. The phone calls are the worse because I have to hear her crying and begging and it makes it real.

 

I just feel so guilty now. If I ignored her she will become worse. Or maybe subconsciously I am looking out for my feelings. Like I feel like there is some magic conversation that will make this all better. I guess if I were a stand up guy, I would make the hard choice. I will ignore her and let her hate me and think I never loved her and this way she can move on and her whole life think I am the worst thing that ever happened to her. But at least she would be happy in the long run. But maybe I am selfish and I don't want to be a villain in her eyes. Maybe I want her to realize the way she was is the reason I got to the point I was to have to break it off. And I want her think I am a great guy she lost because of the things she did. This will make me feel less guilt about what I did because it will almost be like she drove me to it.

 

Wow, is that possible. I never thought of that. I don't feel that, but as I wrote it, I can see it making sense.

 

Okay now I feel guilty even more for maybe subconsciously thinking that way.

 

Ugh! I hate myself.....lol. This sucks so much. I just want to be able to breathe again.

I know you're just trying to come out of this as the good guy (nobody wants to be the bad guy), but understand that from her point of view, you will always be the villain of the story.

 

Just be wary of your thought process. Be careful that you don't end up gaslighting her.

[Mariposa10]

I disagree you won't ALWAYS be the villain of the story. Maybe for a couple of years, but after that I'm sure she will realize that things were not working.

 

OP, it's been 5 months already. Time to go NC for her and for you.

 

 

I know you're just trying to come out of this as the good guy (nobody wants to be the bad guy), but understand that from her point of view, you will always be the villain of the story.

 

Just be wary of your thought process. Be careful that you don't end up gaslighting her.

[Never Again]

There's obviously more to the story that we cannot know - details that are known only to the two of you.

 

However, I'll tell you this: your situation, most likely, WAS resolvable. Conflicts arise and "in love" ebbs and flows. Many people find themselves in relationships defined more by companionship than passion.

 

YOU made the choice to not pursue a solution in the relationship. YOU decided that you'd be better off without her. Now YOU must own it.

 

You hurt someone you cared about, so you'll feel guilty no matter what. Avoid platitudes like "it was for the best", because that's not how she'll see it. Keep to yourself, because anything you say to her will only serve to make YOU feel better and will drag her through the mud.

 

Like it or not, falling out of love IS a choice. If you saw problems and did not communicate effectively or work with her to solve them, then that was you choosing to allow things to fall apart. I'm not judging you harshly, but take this as a lesson and be empowered - maintaining romantic love is a choice you constantly make. You both chose to not work on it when you could have, and then you chose to end it instead of attempting to resolve things.

 

It was choice - and now you can choose to leave her alone any let her move on.

[Mariposa10]

How is falling out of love a choice?

 

Also, I think in another thread he talked about how he kept communicating his needs but nothing changed. I'm not sure though, it's been a long time since he posted for the first time.

 

Sometimes love is not enough.

 

I do agree that it's better not to use phrases like "it was for the best." That seems to only keep the wound open.

 

 

There's obviously more to the story that we cannot know - details that are known only to the two of you.

 

However, I'll tell you this: your situation, most likely, WAS resolvable. Conflicts arise and "in love" ebbs and flows. Many people find themselves in relationships defined more by companionship than passion.

 

YOU made the choice to not pursue a solution in the relationship. YOU decided that you'd be better off without her. Now YOU must own it.

 

You hurt someone you cared about, so you'll feel guilty no matter what. Avoid platitudes like "it was for the best", because that's not how she'll see it. Keep to yourself, because anything you say to her will only serve to make YOU feel better and will drag her through the mud.

 

Like it or not, falling out of love IS a choice. If you saw problems and did not communicate effectively or work with her to solve them, then that was you choosing to allow things to fall apart. I'm not judging you harshly, but take this as a lesson and be empowered - maintaining romantic love is a choice you constantly make. You both chose to not work on it when you could have, and then you chose to end it instead of attempting to resolve things.

 

It was choice - and now you can choose to leave her alone any let her move on.

[Never Again]

How is falling out of love a choice?

 

Also, I think in another thread he talked about how he kept communicating his needs but nothing changed. I'm not sure though, it's been a long time since he posted for the first time.

 

Sometimes love is not enough.

 

I do agree that it's better not to use phrases like "it was for the best." That seems to only keep the wound open.

 

I agree that sometimes love isn't enough, and that positive change needs to occur if requested.

 

However, falling out of love absolutely is a choice...it's just not always a choice we intentionally make.

 

If your partner is being indecisive, cranky, lazy, neglectful, passive, or any of those thousands of unattractive yet tolerable behaviors...and you let it slide for too long, your passiveness or unwillingness to communicate has dulled your feelings. Being overly considerate and avoiding conflict is a big culprit, as people tend to disconnect when they don't maintain their personal boundaries.

 

For someone to "fall out of love", something must've changed. It might've been small, but it was there...and things that change can always be addressed.

 

The simple way I look at it is this: if I feel my interest waning and I know I want to be with this person, why would I sit around and wait for my feelings to die away completely? Too many people sit idle and let their relationships fade to grey instead of taking action. Their indecision is, without a doubt, a decision to let the relationship die.

 

You may not notice it until it's gotten tough, but that does not mean you need to let it continue. Distancing waves and rifts happen in all relationships, and we always have the choice to work against them.

[BC1980]

I remember your thread, and I just went back and read it. You must go NC with her, as painful as it will be for both of you. I'm not saying you will never speak with her again, but it is clear that you will have to be the one to cut this off. For whatever reason, she is not capable of doing so and is in deep denial. 11 years is a long time, but you are sure of your decision. It has been 5 months, and this is getting worse and spiraling out of control.

 

Most dumpees would have stopped this by now. I think I did the whole calling the ex, crying, and trying to fix it for maybe 2 weeks at the most. You mentioned in your other thread that you were nearly convinced she has BPD? Maybe she needs some help by a professional. One thing is for sure. You must cease all contact with her for the benefit of both parties.

[Qqq]

There's obviously more to the story that we cannot know - details that are known only to the two of you.

 

However, I'll tell you this: your situation, most likely, WAS resolvable. Conflicts arise and "in love" ebbs and flows. Many people find themselves in relationships defined more by companionship than passion.

 

YOU made the choice to not pursue a solution in the relationship. YOU decided that you'd be better off without her. Now YOU must own it.

 

You hurt someone you cared about, so you'll feel guilty no matter what. Avoid platitudes like "it was for the best", because that's not how she'll see it. Keep to yourself, because anything you say to her will only serve to make YOU feel better and will drag her through the mud.

 

Like it or not, falling out of love IS a choice. If you saw problems and did not communicate effectively or work with her to solve them, then that was you choosing to allow things to fall apart. I'm not judging you harshly, but take this as a lesson and be empowered - maintaining romantic love is a choice you constantly make. You both chose to not work on it when you could have, and then you chose to end it instead of attempting to resolve things.

 

It was choice - and now you can choose to leave her alone any let her move on.

 

Thank you for your response, but I don't understand how falling out of love is a choice...I mean that would be like saying falling in love is a choice. Like you can pick any person off the street and choose to love them and work at it and eventually you love them. I don't believe that is true.

 

Everyone's mind works different and we all have different emotions so maybe for some people that is true, but for me it isn't.

 

I need passion and attraction and a partner who I feel is always there for me and not always picking fights.

 

I never said I did not love her, I said I wasn't in love anymore in the sense that I have tried to make this work for years and I tried to make it work but I just couldn't get that spark back. The tension helped to push us further apart as well.

 

Bottom line is you are right...I made a decision to move on and I do need to own it. But I just am having a hard time dealing with the guilt and I feel she is different then most woman in the sense that NC will make her worse. But maybe, like I said before, I am still talking to her to make myself feel better as to not be the villain whether I realize it or not.

 

This is so confusing.

 

I just feel my situation is unique and I am the only person in the world that is going through this. I am also aware that is not true and ridiculous to say. But I still think it. This sucks!!!

Edited January 9, 2014 by Qqq

[cavalier99]

Just tell her it is over and to stop contacting you. Then block her and go NC for her sake and yours. Cav

[sugarpea]

Hi Qqq

 

Your story sounds a lot like mine and my ex's only I was on the receiving end of it. We were together long term 6 years and his reasons were I'm not in love with you anymore, I'm not happy and I can't deal with your depression (I was not depressed -financial recession- not great job market). We broke up last year Jan 2013, and I'm just in no contact and moving on.

 

Now I can't speak for your ex but I can give my opinion of what I felt when he had the same reaction on being friends. Now just to say this is not my opinion of you but just some of the things he did is similar to your situation.

 

I didn't have the space to move on, because we went from break up straight into friendship then fwb. It was not good. He was 27, I was 24 by the way, so not that young and old enough to be making life-changing commitments. I have friends who are married and others with kids.

 

I felt upset and depressed because of the break-up. Felt like it came out of nowhere. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I became ill. I stayed in bed all day and cried my eyes out. I felt and was physically sick whenever he treated me like a bro and was talking about picking up girls, jokingly but still it was just not cool.

 

First break up, first relationship. Did the anger, the pleading the guilt tripping. Felt really bad for making him feel miserable (I broke up with him cause he couldn't finish the job so he could be happy) but I felt miserable and just wanted to unleash my wrath, especially at times when he was acting all happy, and just out of a break-up! Apologised a ton of times for it, he apologised a ton of times also...said he can't and won't forgive himself for how it ended. He said he wanted to be equal friends. Said he cared and loved me but was not in love with me. Said perhaps in the future we could fall in love and try again. It gave me false hope.

 

Felt like all my efforts were wasted. Felt like 6 years didn't matter to him. He acted like nothing happened.

 

We were talking like normal, still in contact practically daily. I wanted him in my life, it didn't really matter in what capacity I loved him and being around him even if it was arguing or seeing his name online was better than nothing at all. He checked up on me a lot worried that I might self-harm because I was extremely emotional and had done that once in the past (not proud of it).

 

We slipped into old patterns, it was like I was in a relationship with him again, we were at his place together visiting family together, shopping, cooking and going to the cinema together. I loved it, it made me hopeful, but he wasn't happy with this.

 

He lied to me to not hurt me but late August he met a girl, on a night out she was here on holiday. I also got quite obsessive with online profiles. I noticed he liked a few of a girl's profile pictures. He doesn't do that randomly. They connected he broke off our fwb friendship early September...so I could get over him. But really it was to pursue this girl (21). I find out on fb - activity feeds that he's gone over abroad to see her after 2 weeks breaking it off with me. I confront him, apparently just friends. They're official now after 4 months (made it official in December).

 

I felt sick because he was with me during the time he met her, maybe not physically but he hadn't ended fwb I felt like he betrayed me, he cheated on me, even though we were over. He knew I still loved him.

 

I feel that he was being selfish, he didn't let me go and he held on to me when he knew I still loved him, as I was a sure thing. He just couldn't live without me and technically still can't (we were in contact recently -he called me).

 

What I think would have helped me:

 

*No contact or at least to be told no contact so that I wouldn't have thought it was something wrong with me and something I did.

*Hiding relationships better -you shouldn't need to do this but if you're going to be in contact in any way even through mutual friends you should do this. I felt like he replaced me with her, she's on everything even gaming platform. She doesn't even game!

*concentrate on bettering yourself - do things for you

*tell her to concentrate on herself - do things for herself, not for you

 

It will be difficult but being in contact is only going to prolong the period it takes for her to get over this, and she may hate you even more than she already does for that. Only it's not really hate, it's more probably more: I hate you, but I love you and I hate that I love you and hate that I feel this way.

 

Also you may have to lose her, you should prepare yourself for this, but know (but don't tell her this) that she may be happier in the longer term.

 

Also do not tell her things like I'm happy you're happy or I hope you find someone that deserves you or anything sweet like that. Made me feel worse and fall deeper.

[Never Again]

Thank you for your response, but I don't understand how falling out of love is a choice...I mean that would be like saying falling in love is a choice. Like you can pick any person off the street and choose to love them and work at it and eventually you love them. I don't believe that is true.

 

Everyone's mind works different and we all have different emotions so maybe for some people that is true, but for me it isn't.

 

I need passion and attraction and a partner who I feel is always there for me and not always picking fights.

 

I never said I did not love her, I said I wasn't in love anymore in the sense that I have tried to make this work for years and I tried to make it work but I just couldn't get that spark back. The tension helped to push us further apart as well.

 

Bottom line is you are right...I made a decision to move on and I do need to own it. But I just am having a hard time dealing with the guilt and I feel she is different then most woman in the sense that NC will make her worse. But maybe, like I said before, I am still talking to her to make myself feel better as to not be the villain whether I realize it or not.

 

This is so confusing.

 

I just feel my situation is unique and I am the only person in the world that is going through this. I am also aware that is not true and ridiculous to say. But I still think it. This sucks!!!

 

I never said falling in love was a choice - falling in, and falling out, are two entirely different sets of actions. They are not comparable, so the analogy does not work.

 

Falling in love is not a choice - falling out of it is. People don't want to believe this because we're under the assumption that being "in love" is some kind of magical force. It's not. You cannot choose who you're initially attracted to...who you fall for. So, to your point, you CANNOT pick someone random off the street and "fall" for them...but you CAN choose to maintain those feelings once they're there. Both sides need to be putting in the effort, though.

 

However, if you were trying and she was not...or if you were trying for a long time with no progress...then I cannot fault you for no long wanting to put in the effort. There's a point where you just have to call it quits.

 

I say this as someone who's been on both sides of the situation. I'm not different and neither are you, I've just gained a little more perspective on how these things operate - and it takes WORK from both sides. Work, and an understanding that you will not always feel attraction or passion towards your partner...but that they may still be worth it.

 

You ran out of "try". I don't blame you, but I certainly don't feel sorry for you. You made the decision and you've got to go through with it. Unless you feel bad enough to try again fresh after you've had some space, you need to leave her alone for a long, long time.

[sugarpea]

Just wanted to say, sorry if did't answer your message directly also sorry if you feel that it was targeted at you, it's not. I'm just being honest about how I felt and what your ex might also be feeling.

 

Not to be harsh or anything but Pfenixphire is right "You made the decision and you've got to go through with it" and also live with it. You don't just break it off with someone and don't expect to feel nothing, the remorse, the guilt or the memories to come flooding back. It was 11 years! You can try to turn it off and act cold, and ignore it but it doesn't mean it's not there and really you would be lying to yourself pretending. Actions have consequences.

 

It's probably best for you to go no contact, for her to move on, and for you to not relive the breakup each time she speaks to you. At the moment you're just hurting each other and living in limbo.