My NC - the unexpected journey

[erklat]

Hello to everyone! This is my first post here, so I'll make my grand opening somewhat long

 

It does not matter who I am, it is what I do that defines me - regardless I'll say couple of lines about myself. I'm 25 yr old software developer to be (three exams away), currently unemployed. Single for over a three months now, had a couple of long term relationships over the years, usually don't have problems with self-confidence, but tend to whack my self esteem sometimes. Long time depression sufferrer further catalyzed by the unstable family relations. The rest if needed would be revealed later.

 

The story goes:

 

Last year around this time I ended my three year long relationship (LDR). We had constant rows for the last six months of the relationship, so everyone saw that one coming. Why I say this? The girl in question was no rebound. I had couple of flings between Jan and Jun, so I filtered this chick I so madly fell in love between 8-9 other women. Strange thing that she wasn't most of the things I wanted to see in a woman. She is 21yr old, most likely will never attend to college, partying a lot (was), under heavy infuence of up-to-no-good friends (was), family relations out of balance too - yet I have never seen someone leave such a strong emotional imprint on me even months later. We are already longer in a breakup than we were together so we could tell it was a short term relationship with high emotional investment. We had not one row in at all prior to breakup, we were both so madly infatuated by each other that I couldn't believe something that good was happening to me (this year was crappy as it is). So by the mid September there were three or four days I got that feeling she was flaking on me. At the same time I had a really dramatic situation in my family, father unemployed for almost a six months, loans which go over 60-70 percent of their monthly income and me yet not fit for participation in the labor market as the situation for those even with a degree is bad as it is. So, even I am guilty of letting them completely demolish the past two yrs of my life and the demise of prior relationship, I am mad at them for making me and my bro and sis a colateral victims of their poor choices. At that time I didn't have any source of income as I have now and could simply not hold the vast ammount of stress from pouring into our relationship.

That Saturday we went out, I was with my buds, she with them no good friends of hers. My buds left home, I hoped to escort her home as the bar was about to close when I somehow was left alone with one of her chicks. I teased a girl a bit but no flirting at all at my part, but I was dead drunk and them manipulative harpies siezed the opportunity to tell her I flirted with one of them. Since we had a row already and I accused her of flaking on me for the couple of days, she called me in my drunk state, I lost my temper and insulted her really bad since I thought she already should see those are no friends of hers and should be filtered out of our lives and not take place in our relationship. She got really mad at me and started treating me to a cold shoulder to which I childishly responded with even more insults as I was already single. I deeply regret such behaviour and am to blame 100%. I couldn't cope with the stress aforementioned and her dumping me, I was weak and lost my temper.

 

After that the story is typicla Kubler-Ross cycle, crying, pleading, bargaining etc. I was in and out of NC mostly, trying to make it up to her as the bf she had before me was physically abusive and cheating her, her no-good dad harassing her mum longer than lifetime etc., I believed if I tried to show her I'm willing to be a better man I'd get her to open up. I even sent her some cute presents on the 6th December to make her happy a bit - even though at that point the motives could be somewhat selfish as I still wanted her for me to feel better. For the whole time I constantly read self-help books, took therapy for my depression and Gestalt therapy to try and contain my anger management issues, started going to gym, changed my appearance, gained 11kg since the day she left me etc. It is clear I am a better me than the one she fell in love with.

 

About three weeks ago, she went out with my bro (he acquinted us) for a drinks. Basically, she said to him if I haven't insulted her she would reconcile with me very soon, she can't get why I lost temper because she was busy for couple of days, said some things I believe in proof that she too changed her ways, she hangs no longer with those bitches who backstabbed me, doesn't drink at all (she drank and smoke an awful lot when I met her). Nearly all things I nagged her about gone. She said we would talk soon, but she doesn't know what she'll find in my eyes, how she doesn't have nor want anyone etc. so I took a bold conclusion GIGS was not among the reasons of us falling apart nor was her loss of interest?

 

Last friday we finally met in the same bar those chicks backstabbed me, I took a step back and worked on me in quiet. At first, she came with my bro at our table, and ignored me. I teased some other chick at the time, not flirting as I was pinning my ex. Bro left. She just stood there for a minute or two ignoring me and we got an eyelock. We gazed at each other for a half a minute and she started smiling, it was the cutest smile I ever saw. I thought she must be an angel (I was drunk ). I approached her. We exchanged words, I apologized and said we would never got so mad at each other if we were less passionate for one other (sex life was out of charts). She said we would talk soon, but not in such a filthy noisy place as that bar - I think she implied she doesn't buy my sweet words while I was drunk? Unfortunately I don't have memory issues caused by liquor

She complimented on my new looks and said she was happy for the gift (she never responded). There were no traces of resentment nor anything negative, and I believe the spark is still there. That was last Friday. I immediately went NC again as I thought I managed to get her to start opening again. The next day one of the other mutual friends (who told me to back off as she moved on) ended in hospital. I wished her all the best and to recover soon, and said we broke words. She said that she sees I'm really in love with her (told to leave her alone couple of days prior).

 

Now is 18:45 Dec 25th. I wait for the new batch on Steam sales and type this. I have not recieved my greetings for Christmas nor do I intend to give one. She greeted my bro.

 

What do all of you think. I feel like I'm on the verge. I like her a lot and believe she does so too, but if another chick leaves better imprint on me I might as well be gone. What game does she play? Do you believe it was GIGS after all or I simply scraped the **** left from her physically abusive ex bf? Did I dodge an emotional bullet here? What should I do except wait for her to decide to open up?

 

I read CaliGuy guide on being balanced and Tara's no contact guide along with other blogs I filtered as legit on the topic. I feel strong as a Spartan and that I could definitely get her back if the opportunity arises. I think I finally reached the acceptance phase. I like my life as much as my condition would allow, but I think she could add to it with her spark. I can envision it without it and take the lessons learned here elsewhere.

 

Anyone care to share some thoughts?

 

Thanks, I'm looking forward to breaking a discussion with you!

[CaliGuy]

The fact that you're still scheming ways to get her back is exactly why you are not in a good place.

 

FYI if you want responses, try to keep them as brief as possible. People have short attention spans so if they have to read something that takes more than 15 seconds to read they get board.

 

If you want my advice, you have read it already. I don't believe in fighting for second chances. If someone really wants to be with you, they would never leave in the first place.

[erklat]

I haven't noticed at all you responded. Thanks for your insight. I had a couple of low days managing my NC but today I'm great. I feel blissful and thinking about how when she comes back she'll most likely having trouble awakening butterflies in me again. It will no longer be that innocent, kind infatuation, but more of a schemed one. I know I'll most likely be on a low again, but I hope I'm on a brink of the acceptance. It is most likely my mojo taken from me returning.

 

I'd edit the first post but can't seem to?

 

Also read your second chance guide. The usual stuff but the bad thing it harbors hope.

 

Why write one if you don't believe in it?

[HokeyReligions]

You said "when" she comes back. You need to find away to get out of this mind set and move on. Do something for YOU.

[erklat]

I don't think it makes any difference whan you dont give a fu ck any moar down the line.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/450976-how-many-come-back-after-g-i-g-s

[erklat]

I positively hate Sundays. I always had. I had this feeling of post holiday depression running down my spine. It is always luring me to break NC.

 

Was today with my employer. They are happy with the work I done with their website and are looking forward to some kind of long(er) term collaboration.

I got further tasks for upcoming month.

This morning my pap came from work abroad. The first thing was him asking have I finished college (which he has to pay tuition for, with 3 xams I'm much closer to finishing than him paying with current prospects).

He continued the story of how am I supposed to come to Siberia to do manual labor I presume with him instead going in another direction on the globe to work in area I went to school for lol. And which

I found all by myself rofl. What do you make of that? Him trying to keep control over and keeping me codependent?

 

I responded that I made my mind and his efforts keeping me at bay this time when I first saw light at the end of the tunnel in three or four years are futile.

 

I believe they indirectly (employers) said in two weeks I'm going to be in a much better place

[erklat]

Could mod change the title to 'My NC - the unexpected journey'?

[thora-tiki]

@erklat

You asked me:

Does it matter in your opinion whether it should be dumper or the dumpee to initiate contact once personal growth has been achieved through NC?

 

For me personally, it was best for me, the dumpee, to make the first contact:

a phone call, to ask dildo face, aka my ex, out for a short get together.

 

Since I believe when the dumper or dumpee is ready - and even then wait another month,

to make sure the ex is also ready,

the ex takes longer to evolve, it is the name of the game -

I believe the one that is ready, should be the one that calls/breaks no contact.

 

This keeps us, the one that calls, in control, and we don't have to «wait» for the ex to contact us/break our no contact,

since we know we will do the first contact/break no contact,

but we'll only break it because we are ready.

 

So you don't have to wait around for her to make up her mind.

 

This will start your personal evolution,

and give you back the control of your life.

 

If you read the e-book the magic of making up, I hope someone sent you a copy,

you'll see that that is what is recommended,

that the reader, no matter who the reader was in the break up, makes the first call.

 

When they are ready.

 

If dildo face had said, when I called last year:

No, I don't want to meet you.

I'd say: It is only a walk in the park/coffee.

If he still had said: No.

I would just have bowed out, and seen that, that reaction just told me he was not ready.

 

What I think is the most important ingredient for a reconnect to work is:

you have to be ready.

 

Ready in my book means that you have evolved past the break up and let go of

the old failed relationship and really don't care either way.

You want to start a new relationship, with either ex or a new person.

 

The ex says: yes / no, to the short get together, you are fine either way.

 

Since you know you can live without the ex.

No contact is not about getting your ex back.

 

It is about getting your life back.

 

But what happens, is that because of the things that you do in no contact,

you get your life back plus so much more.

 

More control, more life, more self development, etc.

 

And then you will know what to do.

 

Do not be in a hurry to show her anything, and she will be ready to meet,

when you are ready.

 

You do not always get what you want, when you want it -

that is why patience is key to success.

 

If you decide, in a few months time that:

«I am ready to reconnect», you will not think twice about calling the ex,

and asking him/her out, for a short get together.

 

No, you will pick up that phone, and be in the mood of calling an old friend.

I really believe that is the feeling and state of mind people

should be in when they make that reconnection call and meet up,

with no deep or romantic feelings attached.

 

Why?

 

Because you got your life back, moved on and in full life mode without her support.

The whole concept of no contact, and your personal evolution is to evolve past the break up,

not totally rule out ever having anything to do with your ex again.

 

That is much too much to process at one time, and that is why people get

overwhelmed with sadness, loss, depression, etc.

 

Be patient, it takes time.

 

Like one of my break up buddies wrote me the other day:

 

«On my side, I am welcome to the thought of dating her (the ex) again but I'll take my time and reflect on it.

I can confidently say that I can live my life without her now.

Like YOU said; she is just a bonus to my 'main' life.

Everything you told me makes sense now.»

Do not rush no contact and do not rush reconnection (if you decide to break no contact and reconnect after your no contact time).

When you feel you are ready to reconnect, follow the magic of making up,

I am re-reading chapter 7, it is helpful for the step I am on.

 

I still use chapter 2, and the fast forward technique for the days when I doubt myself or need some support.

 

Now is the time to kick some ass, and take back control of your life.

 

If you just focus on the reconnection phase, you will fail.

 

- You must be emotionally ready to reconnect with the ex, hell,

you must be emotionally ready to even date.

 

As long as you don't give up - you will succeed.

 

You will get your life back with or without your ex.

 

This is battle!

 

THIS IS SPARTA!

[erklat]

I just don't remember when I last pined over her.

 

The time goes by...

 

I don't even think I would be crushed if I hear her dating someone.

Setback maybe, but not crushed.

 

I realized how unfit for a relationship I was.

I was a resemblance of a man with no joy, no passion, no hobbies, no anything.

I still hold her accounted for leaving me crushed when I needed support more than anything.

 

Now I have a purpose.

 

I have passion.

I have reason to wake up.

My friends tell me by themselves it is visible I am leaving the depression i lost a last year in.

 

I am attractive to other women too.

I learned to keep my problems to myself.

 

My change is visible in my relations with parents too.

Four months ago it was a warzone every f-uuckin day.

 

I hated my life.

 

This time - father works abroad and was 3 weeks home - we fought only once.

I saved a malamute (codependency) month and a half into the breakup.

That animal brought so much joy into my life I probably owe it to him big time - he is one of my passions now.

Anyway pap started nagging about dogs food why it has to be super premium (I feed him Hills) etc.

I said that dog and his joys are non negotiable.

And that I paid for it and his comments are unneeded.

He made some stupid remarks and I lost temper - not anywhere near as before but enough for us not to speak that day no longer.

My money doesn't come from them.

I haven't got a penny from them since July and I uphold them for a few months as he was unemployed.

 

Long story short... I learned to fight for my beliefs and interests.

 

I think I am moving towards the man I was meant to be.

Still a long way to go but I feel happiness.

I really do.

Maybe somewhere down the road she'll decide to make me even happier, but if not I think my enthusiasm will create abundance for me.

Edited January 30, 2014 by erklat

[erklat]

I don't think one can sink lower than I had.

 

Today is her birthday.

 

I am so happy because I am certain little bitch because of my pleading etc expects something

But she is not getting an inch on this. Or anything. Ever.

 

I am so happy because yesterday I passed the ultimate exam!

I had my father nagging and typically trying to diminish my enthusiasm.

Silly comments like Web developing are like digging ditches but installing windows on his laptop is my trade. Lol.

I remained calm! Before I'd burn out so bad I'd be tired afterwards.

Now I just brushed it off and said to him calmly that he has to accept he is in no position to question my decisions any longer.

I'm attributing that to the NC also.

 

Two days ago I was overwhelmed with this feeling of happiness when this sorts out I'mgoing tto be in love with some beautiful person who'll be there for me no matter what.

 

I'm content with not hearing from ex-hole ever again.

 

Stick to the plan, brahs!

NC is the best thing since invention of wheel.

[erklat]

Damn, I didn't think I could get low again, but I have.

 

I'm not tempted into breaking NC, calling or texting her, but I feel in denial again.

 

Probably becoz I got stoned two days in a row - haven't done that in years. -.-'

 

So basically now I think I'm much better version of myself than the one she fell in love with and now I'm living a life someone should want to be part of.

 

So why am I depressed?

 

She most likely doesn't even think about meh.

 

She doesn't know:

 

• I got a job
  
• I solved financial issues I had
  
• I solved most of conflicts I have within my family that stressed me
  
• I am 10 kg bigger than the last time she held me
  
• I got a new alaskan mal which brings joy to my life
  
• I got out of my depression
  

By the looks of it, my friends think that I'll never be happy, because I'm not getting back with her and all things I done are in vain.

 

 

I don't know if I should reintroduce myself when I run into her?

 

 

I don't know....

 

 

Maybe I allow too many cooks around my stove...

 

 

Any help? I'm around 50 day NC and not feel like contacting her yet.

Edited February 6, 2014 by erklat

[xUnknown]

I don't know if I should reintroduce myself when I run into her?

 

 

Any help? I'm around 50 day NC and not feel like contacting her yet.

 

You don't. You're still not ready. If you were ready, you wouldn't still feel this upset. If your friends can tell that you're still not happy, then its pretty obvious that you aren't happy.. You have to be happy with yourself. Only when you are happy with yourself will you move on and be in a better place to start things again.

 

As far as mentioning it all to her - you don't - because you're still NC, remember?

 

You said

She complimented on my new looks

-so she knows you've been hitting the gym.

 

If she wants to dig up some info on you, she will. You have to give her time to forgive you. You can't scheme up a way to "win her back", because that isn't how it works. You can only show her what she's missing. And that is done by being happy and working on yourself. You're doing that now...which is good. Keep doing it, keep focusing on you.

 

Slow down on the drugs and alcohol. I saw that the two times you mentioned being at the bar, you couldn't remember what you did or said...that is an issue. As a guy, thats a big turnoff when a girl does that - so I'm sure its the same for women. Take it easy on all that. You've got to show her you've changed and being happy and working on you.

 

If you are at the bar and see her, let her approach you. Then, if you must, casually bring up what you've done with yourself. Don't be bragging about this and that, because she'll take that as an insult.

 

Ultimately, you must be happy with yourself first. Keep doing you. Let her forgive you. If she comes back, she comes back...but you can't keep hoping that will happen - because you're only holding yourself back.

 

 

On the topic of your dad, you're an adult, with a degree (Congrats btw!). You need to make your own decisions and he needs to understand that.

[erklat]

Yeah, I was like sooooo down past couple of days.

 

Today I'm OK.

 

Saw new Robocop today.

Action was nice but the movie itself is a cliche short of any artistic value.

 

After that went out, drank sugar free coke for the whole evening.

 

Also flirted with this chick, I might be able to pull FWB arrangement with her.

 

The feeling is good knowing you're still in the game.

 

Thanks for the insight.

 

The friends usually bring me down because they don't believe in reconciliations happening after so long period apart.

 

They don't think it is possible that she is still mad at me from October or early November.

 

I reckoned strict NC applies to me too even if I was abusive.

[erklat]

Also dynamic of our relationship is not the most healthy one.

 

We either love each or hate each others guts.

There is no stable relation between us, we are both very passionate and proven dreamers.

It is very irrational to be together.

 

I am eternal student with short temper and constant depression.

 

She is a young chick who goes out three times a week and drinks alcohol.

Smokes pack and a half daily.

Goes out to the town nearby with a bunch of lowlifes. (yeah, that happened too) .

And is cute beyond imagination with children.

 

 

 

It would be rational to say good riddance and bullet dodged.

But when we are talking, or being intimate, she makes my brain blank.

No one else does that.

[erklat]

So this chick I met couple of days ago has exams but is coming to my home alone gathering tomorrow with my best man and his gf.

 

Yay, success.

 

So I can tell tomorrow I'll be thinking a lot less a about my ex-hole.

[erklat]

Today when I came home for work... I realized one more thing.

 

Yet I haven't read the 'Codependent no more' as I didn't have time.

 

I spend too much time reading loveshack.

 

I met with a friend who bought a new, well it is used but it is a Mercedes nevertheless.

We always held goofing around in cars amusing, yet my parents never gave too much attention to wants from my brother or me in that regard.

 

Usual I would be at least a little bit jealous.

 

Today I was happy!

 

I decided no longer to be victimized by my parents poor choices.

 

I feel a taste of better life just around the corner, a life of my own choices and driven by my own labor.

 

I no longer need to get my father's approval of anything.

 

Or at least I'm trying to learn myself.

[erklat]

Again a down day.

 

Brah came back yesterday and said he saw a picture of her goofing around with her ex that hit her in May 2012 and who basically begs her to be with him ever since.

I told him not to relay any information to me and if she asks (they're friends) that he should disclose no information about what am I after.

 

I am not ackonwledged at all, but I don't consider that too bad bcoz it most likely means she was more emotionally invested in me.

 

I feel kinda stupid because I share advice to other ppl to get rid of the hope etc while I'm not able to do the same myself.

 

She's definitely not the most compatible person for me. What kind of a person hangs out with an abuser and talks about pride to me?

 

Nothing feels as it should. I cut this other chick I flirted for couple of weeks. She mocked me with some stupid texts I said to her I'm not interested in that. I like to cuddle and talk with partners I sleep with afterwards, and she could only disappear from my bed and my life with such a vocabulary.

 

I think I'll just get stoned and watch a movie now

[erklat]

Hey mate,

 

so my brother met her for drinks which turned to 40 minutes talk about me.

 

He went to high school with her, so they know each other good.

 

I'll write bullets so it is easier to understand:

 

• changed her behaviour, drinks less, goes out less
  
• attends a course, she is going to be a tourist guide
  
• said she is angry I haven't acknowledge her birthday
  
• thinks about me often, but still thinks me insulting her family too much of an offense so we should not communicate
  
• sees the physically abusive ex out of compassion, she is codependent too I think
  
• says she had a most wonderful time with me and would reconcile quickly if not my post breakup behaviour
  
• she is happy I am happy and solved my issues
  
• said her mother nudges her to reach out to me (probably she is not happy, mom knows everything)
  
• says she is alone and not interested in dating
  
• thought about us being together recently - 20 days ago
  

 

So these are all major breadcrumbs.

 

Basically I led her to dump me so it is kind of murky - she caused me major pain but I know how much pain I caused her because I see what my incompetent father does to my mother.

 

Sometimes I wake up in sweat in the middle of the night out of fear I will ruin some poor womans life

 

They are women everywhere, but there are major sociological and culturological differences between mine and American women.

 

Probably I shouldn't but everyone taking responsibility for his 50% of the relationhip which most likely could be salvaged.

 

I am in a good place (minus my father once again resigned from work - twice in a year).

 

I learned to fight from myself and am quite financial situated for the moment. She will work too.

 

I am 2 months NC. I feel good. I am in a place where I know I know I want her.

 

She was a collateral damage from my conflict with my father, I know that is madness, but my father is a special kind of fool to whom I must agitate to go to counseling with my mother. You know the situation is dire - even though I act nonchalant towards their issues.

 

I took most of my life back. I am learning for my college, make my cash - even though my parents don't agree with my methods. Economic situation in my country is hopeless.

 

I say to them I don't care.

 

I don't know for certain my ways are not right.

 

But I know for certain theirs is not.

 

I find most indicative that both my father and his brother failed in both their marriages and careers.

 

I WILL NOT allow that!

 

Long story short - I took most of my life back!

 

Now I want her back too.

 

Should I act towards reconciliation and swallow some pride?

 

I think a healthy RS dynamic could be achieved if we both take responsibility for our part of the relationship.

 

I haven't seen her since Dec 19th last year.

 

I have flirted and so. But I don't want any deeper connection with any of those women. I used them to raise my self confidence only.

 

Should I try to meet with her?

[barky2]

I think you've gotten a lot of great advice from some truly good people on here.

 

I have to agree with all.

 

It's still way to early, you need some serious time for your own head.

 

You've done great things since you've been single, keep fighting for those.

 

I understand you want to tell her stuff, but it won't change a thing.

 

Believe me when I tell you, if she wanted a second chance you'd know about it.

 

Take some more time for yourself, tackle another goal.

 

Re visit the question in a month if you should reach out.

 

Your mind very well might change.

 

 

 

Barky

[erklat]

Alright, what kind of a retard goes around giving other people advice and

then does the opposite?

 

I foolishly broke NC. Wouldn't have if my brother held she talke aabout how she's

not happy etc. - the stuff from the upper post - so I guess I did it wrong all together.

 

I didn't panic though. I did not sent a million texts but one is all it takes for you to

look weak. That is the thing I regret mostly. I don't care she said nothing. I care for

I lost my power.

 

I guess that trip on Saturday made me nervous. I'm pulling the plug on my toxic parents

and moving away. I'm changing mobile phone number, shutting Facebook down and kind

of starting a new life. I'm going to work what I like and undergo Gestalt therapy to alter my

patterns. I saw what my father did to our family, and what his father apparently did to him

and I see the pattern. I'm not angry at him because even though he deliberately tried to ruin

my life to jjustify his love and financial failures, I think he tried to give us the best he could.

but never acknowledged the issue.

I feel somewhat bad because it looks like a bad mouthing, but if there is any option that

I could take to make sure I don't do this to my family, I would try to do so.

 

I hope I am not a bad person because of that. I won't remain in contact with them until I sort

my life out.

 

As for her... I saw her with another dude today going to a bar. At first I went down, but soon

after went up. I'll rejoice in my new life. I won't care for her because she does not care for me.

 

I have a life someone else would want to be part of, not her.

 

I think I'll be in love soon after I flip the pag.

[erklat]

Woke up this morning missing her.

 

She haunts me in my dreams sometimes.

 

I can't believe how someone can flip in such manner that you never hear from them again.

 

Still I like my life at this time and I try my fullest to be happy.

 

I would just rather have her than any other potential prospects.

[elseaacych]

Hey there:

 

I relate, and I've been away from my ex about the same amount of time that you have. I wanted to tell you that it's okay that you broke down and contacted her. I did the same thing, on the same day you did. I thought I was ready.

 

Sometimes you need to reach out a little bit. Losing someone is like experiencing a little death. The nice thing, though, is that they aren't dead. It can help to know that a message at least reached them. As long as you don't do it again until you are "ready". The secret to being ready, though, is you both need to be ready. The key is to know there may be days you may be "ready" but she is not. You both need to be ready for it to work. And know that this day might not come, but keep your hopes in a little box in the back of your mind, better yet, mold this hope you have for you two, and mold your hopes and dreams for the future into something just for you, with you standing proud and alone. Because you can do this.

 

She still exists and isn't going anywhere but in her own direction. There is little you can do to pull her back. And this is okay. If you love her, you recognize it's okay for her to go in her direction.

 

Break ups are 100% about you and meeting your needs. If you weren't meeting her needs, it is absolute that she wasn't meeting your needs at that time, either. Subconsciously, you recognized this, and it consciously manifested itself in deciding not to contact her. What you need to do is work on you for your own sake, because you want to be a better you for whatever comes along next. It's tough, I know. But you've made great progress. I can tell by reading your post. Just keep going for you, and know that you've got your best resource behind you, and that's YOURSELF. And you can get through it, Erklat.

 

Be open to all. The best is yet to come.

Edited March 19, 2014 by elseaacych

[erklat]

Hey there:

 

I relate, and I've been away from my ex about the same amount of time that you have. I wanted to tell you that it's okay that you broke down and contacted her. I did the same thing, on the same day you did. I thought I was ready.

 

Sometimes you need to reach out a little bit. Losing someone is like experiencing a little death. The nice thing, though, is that they aren't dead. It can help to know that a message at least reached them. As long as you don't do it again until you are "ready". The secret to being ready, though, is you both need to be ready. The key is to know there may be days you may be "ready" but she is not. You both need to be ready for it to work. And know that this day might not come, but keep your hopes in a little box in the back of your mind, better yet, mold this hope you have for you two, and mold your hopes and dreams for the future into something just for you, with you standing proud and alone. Because you can do this.

 

She still exists and isn't going anywhere but in her own direction. There is little you can do to pull her back. And this is okay. If you love her, you recognize it's okay for her to go in her direction.

 

Break ups are 100% about you and meeting your needs. If you weren't meeting her needs, it is absolute that she wasn't meeting your needs at that time, either. Subconsciously, you recognized this, and it consciously manifested itself in deciding not to contact her. What you need to do is work on you for your own sake, because you want to be a better you for whatever comes along next. It's tough, I know. But you've made great progress. I can tell by reading your post. Just keep going for you, and know that you've got your best resource behind you, and that's YOURSELF. And you can get through it, Erklat.

 

Be open to all. The best is yet to come.

 

Thank you for your kind and encouraging posts.

 

Yes, I have grown a lot as did she apparently.

 

I try not to force anything. I flirt sometimes but if I feel like I'm pushing or if other side tells anything I don't like I withdraw immediately.

I don't want to emotionally invest in anyone now except myself.

 

The hope that our paths will cross soon and us fulfilling our potential drags me down often. Also my friends are receptive no longer for me talking about her.

 

The only part I cling to way too much is her mom saying she should contact me despite my behavior in the end.

[erklat]

Most times when I get down is because I have been put down by my friends to stop hoping

Because so much time has passed and she moved on, determined to find someone else etc.

 

I think what I do is the right and only way for successful reconciliation to happen.

[hudson701]

"I'm a simple man. We're either bumping skins or I won't say hello in the street".

 

I have repeated your phrase to myself so many times this week. I've always been of the same thought; it is impossible to be friends after a relationship with feelings still there as you're always wanting more. My recent ex offered the hand of friendship further down the line, which I declined of course, and it made her really angry at me. Making me out to be childish in that I wasn't having it my own way. I explained I'll always be wanting more; I have more self-respect than that. If I'm not good enough to be your boyfriend, you're certainly not going to get me as a friend! She couldn't believe I had the audacity to say it. She's so utterly self-absorbed that she can't see it as being selfish in any way.