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Heartbroken and lost


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I am a long time reader of Loveshack but this will be my first post.

 

I hope that I can get some good advice

 

Me and my boyfriend dated for over a year and in the recent two months he became distant and was a totally different person, I didn't see him or talk to him, he has suffered from depression in the past, so of course I was trying to be supportive - he texted me apologizing saying that he just didn't know what he wanted and that he wanted to be alone, that it was even a struggle to be around his children. So, obviously I was very concerned. I let him be and texted once in awhile to make sure he was okay.

 

Fast forward to this last week, he invited me over and was very apologetic and said he isn't a good communicator and he was sorry and that he loved me and he got scared when we hit the year mark. I asked him if he had been seeing anyone else and he said emphatically NO. We talked for a bit and I went home. He came over the next night and things were good, we talked and chatted just like we always did.

 

I just felt like something was off, something one of his kids said to me about "Daddy's friend was over helping her make pictures.

 

He then came over a couple of days later. He was a tad intoxicated and was talking about how he has never really had a real relationship ( he is 35 - was married for 12 years - Divorced) he said that was a not a real relationship. He ended up falling asleep on the floor. His phone was sitting in front of me and I decided to look at it ( I know - very wrong).

 

He had been texting this girl back and forth for like a month, telling her she is beautiful etc, asking her out etc. So, I read all of it. My heart broke right there. All I could think was here I was, all worried about him and he made me think he was in this dark place but all along texting and chatting up this girl. It seemed that she was kinda trying to blow him off. There last contact seemed to be when he sent her a Happy Thanksgiving text.

 

Now, I was really upset and I was getting him up off the floor, it was very late at that point. I asked him who this girl was and he said he didn't know anyone by that name and I told him that I looked at his phone and was repeatedly asking him why he would make worry like that while all along he was trying to date her. He got his keys and was trying to leave and I kept standing in front of him asking him to stay and talk. I am not sure what I was thinking as he clearly wanted to leave, but I kept up and grabbed his arm and asked him to please stay and talk. He eventually got out the door and sped off.

 

He called me like 2 hours later but I didn't answer and then he text me in the afternoon to ask if I was ok. I didn't answer. I was trying to clear my head and felt very heartbroken. He then called again in the evening, I missed that call and called him back 10 minutes later. No answer.

 

2 days later he sent me a string of text, telling me that what I did was uncalled for and that I scared him with how physical I got (which I did not)and said that I jumped to some pretty ridiculous conclusions and he's done, he doesn't want to be with someone that acts that way no matter what the circumstances. He said all he did was text someone that a friend thought he might have somethings in common with, never met or talked on the phone. That he was sorry I was hurt over this but he is definitely done. That he would bring my keys to me when he gets back in town.

 

I said back to him that I only had wanted him to stay and talk to, that I am not a physical person, only wanted him stay and talk, that's all and that I hope him and the kids have a Merry Christmas.

 

I didn't know what else to say------- Anyone care to share there thoughts. I could definitely use some good advice. I am heartbroken.

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To avoid taking any blame, he is lying and finger-pointing back at you. You did nothing wrong. You were trying to understand the whole story and there was no way he was going to admit to you that he lied to you.

 

But he knows you already know that he lied so he's sheepishly running away and hiding and making you out to be the bad one.

 

He wants nothing to do with you because you found him out to be the liar and cheat that he is.

 

He is not worthy of your caring nature.

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That's what I was thinking. I am just in total disbelief. I can't believe it. Why would he do this right before Christmas? He didn't have to act like that. He has me questioning myself, I may have acted a bit out of character and I never should have grabbed his arm and tried to make him stay and talk. He makes it sound like I am some monster or something. Ugh....

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Keepsake, you did NOTHING wrong here. You have a right to ask questions. He was found out to be a liar. He is trying to place blame onto you so he does not have to feel guilty. Don't allow him to win. Do not feel guilty.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you. The best thing to do is go NC and do not respond or talk to him. Let him suffer in knowing he lost a good woman.

 

Your silence will speak volumes.

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Thank you both so much for responding. I so need the support right now. I feel like I can't breathe.

 

I don't think that they ever met from what I could tell from the text messages but that's not the point, I'm angry that he would text me all that crap about wanting to be alone right now and that it was a struggle to even be with his children. That's what makes me mad. All the while at the same texting her telling her she's beautiful and asking her out to dinner and then sending me some crap about a friend introduced them because he thought they might have some things in common and that I jumped to some pretty ridiculous conclusions. :sick:

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I am so lost. I finding it hard to be festive and Merry. My family asking about him, they love him, it's Christmas, everyone is suppose to be happy, I don't want to bring anyone down. Finding it hard to answer them, find it hard to say anything at all. I need to breathe, it hurts...

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It's alright not to feel festive and merry. I was also afraid to tell my family what happened with my ex because I felt ashamed and humiliated, and they hadn't even liked him! But I finally did tell them and I felt better afterwards. They were so supportive and comforting and your family will be, too.

 

They won't love your ex so much after they hear how poorly he treated you.

 

Go ahead. Tell your family. They will want to know. It'll be okay. :)

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LadyM - Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I told them last night and you were right, very supportive but they generally think he is still a nice guy, they were like WHAT? He didn't seem to be that kind of guy.

 

He texted me again that he would drop my keys off when he returns and I replied with " If it's not too much, can you just drop them in the mail, I would appreciate it." He replied with "fine, when can I get my stuff".

 

UGH UGH UGH:sick::sick::sick:

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Hang in there Keepsake- I went through something a little similar- my ex was texting ans SEXTING other woman the whole three years we were together. :( I took him back a couple of times- he never changed so I left him go Nov 5th... been no contact ever since, each day gets better, Hugs !

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LostConfused123
Hang in there Keepsake- I went through something a little similar- my ex was texting ans SEXTING other woman the whole three years we were together. :( I took him back a couple of times- he never changed so I left him go Nov 5th... been no contact ever since, each day gets better, Hugs !

OUCH!!

You are one strong woman!

Holiday HUGS to you and Keepsake! :)

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Hang in there Keepsake- I went through something a little similar- my ex was texting ans SEXTING other woman the whole three years we were together. :( I took him back a couple of times- he never changed so I left him go Nov 5th... been no contact ever since, each day gets better, Hugs !

 

 

That is awful!!! Sounds like your holding up okay. Has he tried contacting you? Have you found no contact hard or when you made your decision to leave him, you were just done by then?

 

HUGS!!!

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Been struggling a lot to even stay focused. I feel like I am in a fog. Like I'm not even myself. Have no energy to even leave the house, other than work.

 

He texted me at 1:30am Christmas Day and said Merry Christmas, I hope you are well. What the hell?

 

How do I get myself motivated? How do I get some clarity in my head. I feel like a zombie staring at a wall. :eek:

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Sorry if I am writing again. It's been an awful week. He called last Friday and wanted to make sure I was okay, said he called because he cares about me. Spoke for about an hour. He insisted that I made more of those text than what it was. Said he wouldn't have gotten upset if the roles were reversed. He apologized and told me that he was sorry that he hurt me.

 

He came back into town on Monday evening, called me yesterday to say he would drop by to give me my keys if that was alright. He gave me my keys, then we started talking and he hugged me really tight, took my face in his hands, kissed me and said " I love you, remember that". "I know you want me to say I don't want you but I do."

 

I tried talking to him about the situation but he didn't have anything to say other than it wasn't what I thought and that he was just in a funk and thought he didn't know what he wanted.

 

He said that he wanted to see me but didn't want to jump right back into anything, kissed me and left. Said to me, I know you want me to stay and I said why would you say that and he said "I know you well".

 

Not exactly the way I wanted to start my new year. So, I cried most of the evening. I am not sure what to think of all that but it hurts pretty bad.

 

Anyone have any thoughts, I could really use some help and support right now?

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I am a long time reader of Loveshack but this will be my first post.

 

I hope that I can get some good advice

 

Me and my boyfriend dated for over a year and in the recent two months he became distant and was a totally different person, I didn't see him or talk to him, he has suffered from depression in the past, so of course I was trying to be supportive - he texted me apologizing saying that he just didn't know what he wanted and that he wanted to be alone, that it was even a struggle to be around his children. So, obviously I was very concerned. I let him be and texted once in awhile to make sure he was okay.

 

Fast forward to this last week, he invited me over and was very apologetic and said he isn't a good communicator and he was sorry and that he loved me and he got scared when we hit the year mark. I asked him if he had been seeing anyone else and he said emphatically NO. We talked for a bit and I went home. He came over the next night and things were good, we talked and chatted just like we always did.

 

I just felt like something was off, something one of his kids said to me about "Daddy's friend was over helping her make pictures.

 

He then came over a couple of days later. He was a tad intoxicated and was talking about how he has never really had a real relationship ( he is 35 - was married for 12 years - Divorced) he said that was a not a real relationship. He ended up falling asleep on the floor. His phone was sitting in front of me and I decided to look at it ( I know - very wrong).

 

He had been texting this girl back and forth for like a month, telling her she is beautiful etc, asking her out etc. So, I read all of it. My heart broke right there. All I could think was here I was, all worried about him and he made me think he was in this dark place but all along texting and chatting up this girl. It seemed that she was kinda trying to blow him off. There last contact seemed to be when he sent her a Happy Thanksgiving text.

 

Now, I was really upset and I was getting him up off the floor, it was very late at that point. I asked him who this girl was and he said he didn't know anyone by that name and I told him that I looked at his phone and was repeatedly asking him why he would make worry like that while all along he was trying to date her. He got his keys and was trying to leave and I kept standing in front of him asking him to stay and talk. I am not sure what I was thinking as he clearly wanted to leave, but I kept up and grabbed his arm and asked him to please stay and talk. He eventually got out the door and sped off.

 

He called me like 2 hours later but I didn't answer and then he text me in the afternoon to ask if I was ok. I didn't answer. I was trying to clear my head and felt very heartbroken. He then called again in the evening, I missed that call and called him back 10 minutes later. No answer.

 

2 days later he sent me a string of text, telling me that what I did was uncalled for and that I scared him with how physical I got (which I did not)and said that I jumped to some pretty ridiculous conclusions and he's done, he doesn't want to be with someone that acts that way no matter what the circumstances. He said all he did was text someone that a friend thought he might have somethings in common with, never met or talked on the phone. That he was sorry I was hurt over this but he is definitely done. That he would bring my keys to me when he gets back in town.

 

I said back to him that I only had wanted him to stay and talk to, that I am not a physical person, only wanted him stay and talk, that's all and that I hope him and the kids have a Merry Christmas.

 

I didn't know what else to say------- Anyone care to share there thoughts. I could definitely use some good advice. I am heartbroken.

 

I just seen that you had posted this. I agree that you did nothing wrong in this case. He is reversing the blame to you, it seems like he doesn't know what he wants if he is talking to other women that way while dating you. Even if he has not physically cheated, he definitely has mentally, with some possibility of going through with it. I wish you the best. HUG

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Sorry you're struggling keepsake, sucky situation to be in right now, lots of us can relate. x

 

It's difficult for anyone to know exactly what someone else is thinking, or why they do the things they do, but he has told you that he doesn't know what he wants:

 

I tried talking to him about the situation but he didn't have anything to say other than it wasn't what I thought and that he was just in a funk and thought he didn't know what he wanted.

 

He said that he wanted to see me but didn't want to jump right back into anything, kissed me and left.

 

Try to bring the focus onto how you are feeling about all of this and what you want.

 

What have the following actions shown you:

 

His initial distancing - excuses about wanting to be alone yet texting another girl (for a MONTH!) telling here that she is beautiful and asking her out - trying to turn it all around and make you feel like the guilty one - breaking it off with you via text etc..

 

Has he treated YOU with respect and loyalty?

Have his actions towards you been caring?

Has he been fair to you?

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who knows what they want?

 

Do you even want him back? and if so, why?

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liteasair ~

 

thank you.... I felt that it was cheating too... He doesn't see it that way, he keeps saying that I made more out of it than it was.. I know better.. but some part of me wants to believe him... Even last night on New Years Eve when he dropped my keys off.... I told him I didn't understand and he replied, I know. I was scared of the year mark. I don't know what to make of it. I guess I can't see clearly right now. How are things with you?

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k10k~

What have the following actions shown you:

 

His initial distancing - excuses about wanting to be alone yet texting another girl (for a MONTH!) telling here that she is beautiful and asking her out - trying to turn it all around and make you feel like the guilty one - breaking it off with you via text etc..

 

Has he treated YOU with respect and loyalty?

Have his actions towards you been caring?

Has he been fair to you?

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who knows what they want?

 

Do you even want him back? and if so, why?

 

These are all very good questions....

 

No he had not treated me with respect and loyalty.....

 

I think he wants me to think he does care and love me but I do not see the actions...

 

No he has not been fair to me....

 

Yes, I most definitely want to be with someone who knows what they want....

 

 

Now, when he came by last night on New Years Eve to drop my keys off... I don't understand why he would say or do the things that he did... He didn't even take his stuff although he dropped of my keys... That's where I am confused... I know what he did wasn't right but he insist that I just don't understand and I really don't... It makes know sense...

 

I appreciate your support and your help...

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You say he mentioned he wanted to "see you" but not "jump right back into anything" - so perhaps he just wants to keep you around while he takes the time to "decide what he wants"?

 

Seems like he has all the say at the moment...

and I wouldn't believe all his words....

his actions are way more telling....

 

Hang in there, put yourself first, and I'm hoping that you find some clarity soon!

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You say he mentioned he wanted to "see you" but not "jump right back into anything" - so perhaps he just wants to keep you around while he takes the time to "decide what he wants"?

 

Seems like he has all the say at the moment...

and I wouldn't believe all his words....

his actions are way more telling....

 

Hang in there, put yourself first, and I'm hoping that you find some clarity soon!

 

 

I know in my head you are correct in what you say... It's just really hard to get the heart to go along with that.... I guess I should implement NC... It made me feel better, well somewhat, when I did that while he was gone for the holidays... I feel like hell and I want my self-respect back... I feel like he doesn't respect me although he makes it sound like he does.. Ugh

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yip, it is flippin hard I know.. big hug to you.

 

How much stuff does he have at your place?.. give it a couple of days.. then box it up and tell him to fetch it.. take control of the situation.

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yip, it is flippin hard I know.. big hug to you.

 

How much stuff does he have at your place?.. give it a couple of days.. then box it up and tell him to fetch it.. take control of the situation.

 

 

Yes, very hard.... He has quite a bit of stuff... probably a whole dresser full and then some... I am trying to understand his mentality but I am finding it hard. You know I said it to him last night..... What would have happened if she responded to you and you guys went out?? Would you have just dissappeared?That makes me a back up plan and that's not who I am...

 

He always explains it as he has old issues and bad habits.... He has seasonal mood disorder... Says it has nothing to do with me and I am amazing..

 

Yeah right....

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Well he is right in this regard:

 

Says it has nothing to do with me and I am amazing..

 

They're his issues, not yours.

Seasonal mood disorder..hah. so does this mean he gets to act like an arse every time the seasons change :confused:

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