Girlfriend being distant & cold

[Danny Dee]

I am 26 & my gf is 25. We have been together for 5 years. Well a couple of months ago I guess I noticed her being a bit different towards me I would notice she was harder to get conversation out of via text messages etc. At this point I guess i Didn't think much was wrong I thought maybe I would just try to make more effort with her.

 

So it was coming up to our anniversary so I got her a lovely gift & put a lot of thought into it. I never really felt like this was appreciated. She didn't put a lot of effort into her gift in fact she even forgot her card (she bought me one though as she called in on the way home & it was in an envelope & written). Anyway on our anniversary we had a lovely time until we got back to the hotel room & she went all distant & cold with me again & I had, had a few drinks & we got discussing what was wrong & she said nothing at all. I ended up telling her I was fed up of feeling hurt & I ended it.

 

Well the next day I woke up realizing what I had done & tried backtracking & we ended up agreeing we needed a break. Well I was devastated This girl is my world & just as I was accepting the fact knowing how hard it's going to be she texted me saying she can't do a break. So we agree to meet the next day in which we agree we are going to work harder on the relationship but will leave it a few days. The first night we met back up things where so strange. We have nearly broken up twice again since but neither Of us can let each other go & we seem genuine when we say we want it to work.

 

My girlfriend has admitted she is struggling to be intimate with me but she swears she is still attracted to me & still enjoys our sex. I'm just fed up feeling like I am the one making all the effort. My girlfriend also said she knows she will never meet anyone that loves her as much as i do & she knows I Worship the ground she Walks on.

 

How come i don't feel confident enough to say the same. I'd do anything for this girl & do anything to make things work but I just can't take this heartache for much longer. I'd appreciate some advice on what people think I should do. I have invested 5 years of my life in this girl surely it's worth trying to save this or am I fighting a losing battle. Sorry for the essay people.

Edited November 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TylerDurdenn]

Bloody hell my ex said said pretty much the same!

 

Ask her if she is in love with you.

[Danny Dee]

I did. She said she is, i just don't get why she's changed towards me. We get on so well & never argue. The emmotion from her when we nearly ended it was so genuine. I guess i just have to give her more time to see if she comes round.

[fixing]

Yeah, the acting cold and distant thing is very disturbing. It could be any number of things, usually, she is either doubting her feelings for you, she has cheated or she has met someone else. I dont mean to scare you, just typically, when you pick up that distant/coldness its usually pretty serious.

Unless something serious happened in her own life?

 

You need to sit her down and ask her does she still love you? You have known her for 5 years and you sense something is seriously a miss. Ask her straight what the problem is and prepare to back away if she needs space.

[strive]

It looks like you're both willing to do the work to fix the RS. But have you thought that maybe you're both doing the WRONG work? You guys try but nothing's happening. Maybe you should approach whatever problems you have from a different angle. Maybe what you're both doing are bandaid fixes and not really going to the source of the problem.

 

I think your RS is still salvageable. You just have to find the right way to make it work.

[Danny Dee]

Yeah I have sat her down & she says she honestly dosent know what has changed. I know 100 % there's no other guy though i even kind Of wish there was strangely so I knew the reason. Part of me thinks she's just hanging on to me because she is scared of being single & knows how well I treat her. I'm also a bit confused myself as I think I know love should be a 2 way street & I'm not feeling the love ATM maybe i am just scared of being single again myself love is so complicated.

[Danny Dee]

Thank you Strive I do agree I think we need to Maybe try differently i think we just tried to get things Back to the way they where & naively expecting it all to fall into place.

[aybc123]

She doesnt need to be cheating, she could just be interested in someone else and it be a catalyst for doubt.

 

All of the times a girl has gone cold and distant on me whether i was in a relationship with them, or prior to one, or after one there turned out to be another guy involved somehow even indirectly.

 

I think people only really have room for romantic thoughts about one person which is what causes them to act cold and distant and (usually) to flip flop between that and being loving whilst they decide.

 

Anyway if it was me i wouldnt be too out there with the making it work at all costs thing. You could say something like 'look, i want to be with you, i love you, i want things to be the way they were, BUT, i dont want to be with you if you dont want to be with me and dont love me because i deserve better. So im going to step back from doing all the work and let you figure out what it is you want'.

 

Then stay at a friends for a bit, give her space, come back but sleep on the couch be friendly but dont initiate anything but if she does initiate then reciprocate each step of the way and just see what happens.

Edited November 28, 2013 by aybc123

[Danny Dee]

Yeah maybe thats it she does mention

A man she Works with a lot although i am not overly a jealous person so dont think too much of it. Pretty sure he's married. She wouldnt really have time for another guy but who knows. Maybe she has seen a guy who has made her realise she wants more than what we have. I have never went through a breakup before & it's all new to me so just dont know how to approach this at all.

[Danny Dee]

That sounds like really good advice & I'll be honest i have thoght about it but i think deep down i know I'll lose her. The hardest thing for me Is I'll miss that closeness with her damn we are part of each others everyday lives.

[aybc123]

That sounds like really good advice & I'll be honest i have thoght about it but i think deep down i know I'll lose her. The hardest thing for me Is I'll miss that closeness with her damn we are part of each others everyday lives.

 

You may do. You may not. If you push her and chase her on it then you almost certainly will though.

 

I've done something similar and had it work brilliantly before, it was after a much shorter time, only 2 months, things got serious fast and she got scared/ thought she should be on her own rather than a string of relationships.

 

I just gave her her space, carried on dating her but didnt initiate anything and said basically 'ok well lets see how it goes but i want someone who knows they want me so i wont be sticking around forever'. If she wanted to go out great we would go out and i'd make sure we had an awesome time but i would never suggest us going out, if that makes sense, same if she asked me to come stay. After a month or so of this she told me she was sure and wanted to make a go of it and had just been scared/ didnt know why she doubted, we were then head over heels in love for the next 18months, this is from a girl who had been about 5 minutes from dumping my ass after 6 weeks if i'd pushed her and acted clingy.

[ILoveVegas]

Dude my ex told me the same thing and acted the same. In that stage she is doubting her feeling for you. She is not sure in herself either. Give her all time and space that she needs man. Don't pressure things. Keep it cool.

 

Thats what I learned when girls acting distant and cold.. Dont give a sh*t. Not like you don't care but more like if she wanted to go just let her go. It's like counter intuitive..

[bubbaganoosh]

I'm just fed up feeling like I am the one making all the effort. My girlfriend also said she knows she will never meet anyone that loves her as much as i do & she knows I Worship the ground she Walks on. How come i dont feel confident enough to say the same. I'd do anything for this girl & do anything to make things work but I just can't take this heartache for much longer.

 

 

Danny. IMO, she knows that you worship the ground she walks on and she knows that your the one making all the effort.

 

Now don't you think that it would be nice of her to shoot the same thing back to you? IMO your being taken advantage of and maybe you should let her know that in a manner that she knows that your not real happy about the way she's treating you.

 

The door swings both ways in a relationship and as of now, it's swinging in her direction. Let her know that your not happy. Put it in her lap and see what she does with it. If she really cares about you, you'll see a change and if she makes excuses, then IMO, it's time to move on and find someone who will give you the same as you give and one other thing. Listen to what she has to say. You know her better than we do and don't fall for the trail of tears. Actions speak louder than words.

[Salvatore85]

Sort of sounds like how my ex was acting right before she dumped me. Be careful dude, tread lightly but also make sure you take care of yourself above all else because this could end in a way you don't want it too...

[elbe]

There is definitely something going on there beneath the surface. Whether or not she is willing to share doesn't change that fact. You really need to find out what it is since it could likely be another guy -- a crush or more. The 5 year mark is a hurdle.

[Salvatore85]

My boyfriend ignored me 3 days before he dumped me. No true reason. But eh. He is spending Thanksgiving alone for the first time ever in the past 7 years. I'm feeling confident that I'll hear from him

 

Yep. We lived together and she basically went completely cold and didn't talk to me for a week and then we had the "talk". The thing that pissed me off the most was she dumped me two weeks after we re-signed our lease for another year and I couldn't get out of it.

[Salvatore85]

There is definitely something going on there beneath the surface. Whether or not she is willing to share doesn't change that fact. You really need to find out what it is since it could likely be another guy -- a crush or more. The 5 year mark is a hurdle.

 

That's when it all went down hill in my relationship. 5 years and then it fell off of a cliff lol.

[notthathard]

Yep same, 5 year mark and it went downhill.

[Danny Dee]

I am getting such mixed signals from her. I've given her every oppurtunity to walk away. I told her i love & care for her enough to let her go (which I truely do)

 

Then a couple of days later after meeting up a couple of times we are lying in bed debating wether or not to cancel a holiday we have booked to go on together in the summer, I suggest it's a good idea we cancel so I can concentrate on learning to drive something I thinks she has always wanted me to do, but the she says if things go the way I expect them 2 we will regret cancelling the holiday. Is that a hint that she thinks things could work out Or our starting to improve.

 

Oh what a mess my head is all over the place.