Wife or Mistress?

[SR1776]

I am torn by the age old dilemma - stay with wife or go with young girl - but with a lot of twists to it. Any advice or other perspectives is greatly appreciated.

 

I am in my late 40's, and have been married about 15 years, with 2 children. I do feel that I love my wife, though things have no always been perfect. She has tolerated me and supported me in my career (and has her own career as well). We are comfortable with each other, and get along reasonably well. We do have a romantic life, as much as a 15+ year married couple might reasonably have. She is not as affectionate as I would like, but has her moments. She's attractive at her age and in good shape. So it's not a terrible marriage. She is good at tolerating me.

 

Despite this, I met someone about 18 months ago, who is 20 years younger. First, understand this is a very atypical woman. She has no desire to ever get married, and believes marriage is just a piece of paper and that love does not need that. She also never wants to have any kids of her own, even despises young kids. This is a primary reason she wanted to be with a married man or one who had been married and who had kids, as she felt an older married man, would not want marriage or kids with her...whereas a man her age would pressure her for that. Seems like a logical strategy. At the same time she appears genuinely committed and loyal and would be with one man the rest of her life, just not marry him. She is also a professional, and her career is important. Knowing she wants to establish her career right now, she is perfectly fine waiting until my kids have grown (another 6 to 7 years), and be my GF with the understanding I would leave my wife in 7 years to be with her. This is out of consideration for my children so they can have a full time father while the finish school. Meanwhile, she will stay committed to our relationship as we work towards the goal of eventually living together. I should mention, she considers herself a feminist, and socialist (I am a capitalist and somewhat conservative...it has not presented any major issues yet). She also lives in another country. We see each other anywhere from once a month to once every two months, usually for 2 to 4 days at a time (in other cities), so it is a discrete affair at this time. I travel for business so it's not all that difficult.

 

We usually meet in very nice locations, in the best hotels, have lavish dinners, entertainment and shopping, and yes I pay for everything and treat her very nice, extremely nice actually (so that question surely arises...is she using me...thought one could view and older, married man is the one using the younger woman?). So maybe in 18 months we have seen each other a total of 60 days, but we communicate every day, via text, email and even video conversations at times. I spend far more time interacting and communicating with her than I do my wife. There is no question I have very strong feelings for this girl, and she does for me as well. We genuinely love each other. That said, we have had very tumultuous times as well...arguments, disagreements, even breaks ups (which usually last a mere day). The problems generally arise because of the long distance nature, and the fact she is still single and will do things that a typical single girl in a "normal" relationship might not do (i.e., not let others (men) know she's in a relationship, except a few close friends, which can create feelings of mistrust at times). When we are together though, neither of us has ever been happier. We are extremely compatible, loving and affectionate...and yes, the sex is out of this world amazing. We have hit it off since day one. Again, the only problems are the distance at times, and some tension that can create.

 

I could definitely see myself with this girl in the future. But my concerns are mainly.

 

1) My wife is not a bad woman, and I do care about her despite what I am doing, and we have kids (almost teens now). Part of me feels very bad that I am doing this, and the thought that I would continue to do this for 7 years, knowing I would leave her, just seems terrible and wrong to do to her, to anyone. Part of me thinks ultimately I might not have the strength to leave my wife anyway. That I do not want to leave her single in her 50's. Also, no assurances it would be an amicable divorce though I think it might be, but still do I really want to lose a good portion of all I have worked for? It wouldn't devastate me, as I do make a good living, but still.

 

2) I know I love this other woman. I do feel she loves me. I still have trouble trusting her at times, but I think it is mostly issues in my own mind. While we get along tremendously, I think it could be still be a slight gamble to ultimately be with her, and maybe an "everyday" relationship, I would find myself not as enthralled by her. Though she does intend to (as is common in her profession), to live in a city (with me) for two weeks at a time, then travel to a job site for two weeks, then back home, and so forth. Of course, I suspect I would be the one paying for this residence. I really don't think she is using me, but I could be wrong. Maybe amazing sex blinds your rational judgment...then again maybe amazing sex happens because there is something real and pure there.

 

It seems like a no win situation. Stay with my wife with whom I can be content with and work on things even, but I then lose the woman who gives me great joy, love, affection and happiness. Or go with the woman I love and break up my family. And while my GF and I love each other, I would be going to a relationship that will never involve marriage. Maybe that's good for me, but I still believe in marriage (albeit mine is not working at the moment).

 

On the other hand, I really have 7 years to worry about it, but again, I really feel uneasy continuing this while misleading my wife, especially for a girl who is not committed to marrying me once I leave my wife. Some have advised me I should just keep it going and see how it works out...maybe in 7 years I will want to leave my wife, or maybe I won't and I just end the relationship with the GF. That of course is a costly proposition in itself, for it is not cheap seeing this girl.

 

Something I hadn't thought of, if what if I leave my wife now. The GF has never asked for that, though has told me she will tell everyone about me "once I am single". But I'm not sure she would want to live with me now, or if that's even practicable...given our careers/lives/locations are not at that point just yet.

 

A few final points. I spend most of my thoughts, time, and desires on the GF. Even though she is far away, she has a strong hold on my heart and mind. She has emphasized before that she is not interested in my money, and even at times shows an interest in helping me cut costs, and says she would live modestly with me...but without money (mine) we would not even have a relationship at this point. My kids are growing up quick, and already are acting like they don't need me, and even in that rebellious stage. This is also a distraction at times ...consumes lots of energy - just need to decide what path is best and stick with it.

 

Okay, try not to call me too many bad names...but if you have been in similar situations (any side) or have general thoughts, let me know. I know ultimately it's my choice, but your thoughts are appreciated.

[sun1972]

with the mistress... you only experience the 'fun' parts of a relationship, without the day to day drudgery of life

 

none of the hard bits, that you have with your wife, kids etc

 

its a completely unfair comparison really.. i bet if living with the gf it wouldnt seem half so amazing....

 

not gonna judge, its not my place...just an observation

[fixing]

Hi, forgive me, but you make me sick tbh. You've been cheating on your wife of 15 years for the past year and a half? Just a quick question? How do you think your teenage kids will feel if/when they learn that their father has been running around with a girl 20 years younger than him, having sex with her, sneaking around behind their poor mothers back whilst you come home and presumably kiss her goodnight and sleep beside her??

Btw, you are being used and abused by this equally repellent woman. LMAO, you say she is a professional? Yet your always footing the bill and paying her expenses?? Hahahaha, sorry man, im not sure if your just trolling this site, or if infact you are that extremely deluded....

You want/already have jeopardized a 15 year marriage over some slut who is half your own age, whom you PAY for. A girl you claim your so deeply love with, yet she will never commit to marrying you or have kids. Wow, i feel sorry for your wife, and your kids man. I really do.

Shame on you for being so cold, remorseless and calculating. You would actually plan on running this dirty little secret for the next 7 years until you can dump your wife, the mother of your kids?

Wow, Sociopath in the thread.

[Sugarkane]

This didn't make much sense to me. Some people don't want to get married (which is fine), but they can still date single people, not married people. It doesn't automatically mean only married people are available! If she hates kids that much, why is she having an affair with a guy who has kids?! this never ends well.

[TylerDurdenn]

You've had a woman stand by you throughout your 15 year marriage and this is how you repay her?

 

Well ****ing done.

[Confusedguy81]

I am torn by the age old dilemma - stay with wife or go with young girl - but with a lot of twists to it. Any advice or other perspectives is greatly appreciated.

 

I am in my late 40's, and have been married about 15 years, with 2 children. I do feel that I love my wife, though things have no always been perfect. She has tolerated me and supported me in my career (and has her own career as well). We are comfortable with each other, and get along reasonably well. We do have a romantic life, as much as a 15+ year married couple might reasonably have. She is not as affectionate as I would like, but has her moments. She's attractive at her age and in good shape. So it's not a terrible marriage. She is good at tolerating me.

 

Despite this, I met someone about 18 months ago, who is 20 years younger. First, understand this is a very atypical woman. She has no desire to ever get married, and believes marriage is just a piece of paper and that love does not need that. She also never wants to have any kids of her own, even despises young kids. This is a primary reason she wanted to be with a married man or one who had been married and who had kids, as she felt an older married man, would not want marriage or kids with her...whereas a man her age would pressure her for that. Seems like a logical strategy. At the same time she appears genuinely committed and loyal and would be with one man the rest of her life, just not marry him. She is also a professional, and her career is important. Knowing she wants to establish her career right now, she is perfectly fine waiting until my kids have grown (another 6 to 7 years), and be my GF with the understanding I would leave my wife in 7 years to be with her. This is out of consideration for my children so they can have a full time father while the finish school. Meanwhile, she will stay committed to our relationship as we work towards the goal of eventually living together. I should mention, she considers herself a feminist, and socialist (I am a capitalist and somewhat conservative...it has not presented any major issues yet). She also lives in another country. We see each other anywhere from once a month to once every two months, usually for 2 to 4 days at a time (in other cities), so it is a discrete affair at this time. I travel for business so it's not all that difficult.

 

We usually meet in very nice locations, in the best hotels, have lavish dinners, entertainment and shopping, and yes I pay for everything and treat her very nice, extremely nice actually (so that question surely arises...is she using me...thought one could view and older, married man is the one using the younger woman?). So maybe in 18 months we have seen each other a total of 60 days, but we communicate every day, via text, email and even video conversations at times. I spend far more time interacting and communicating with her than I do my wife. There is no question I have very strong feelings for this girl, and she does for me as well. We genuinely love each other. That said, we have had very tumultuous times as well...arguments, disagreements, even breaks ups (which usually last a mere day). The problems generally arise because of the long distance nature, and the fact she is still single and will do things that a typical single girl in a "normal" relationship might not do (i.e., not let others (men) know she's in a relationship, except a few close friends, which can create feelings of mistrust at times). When we are together though, neither of us has ever been happier. We are extremely compatible, loving and affectionate...and yes, the sex is out of this world amazing. We have hit it off since day one. Again, the only problems are the distance at times, and some tension that can create.

 

I could definitely see myself with this girl in the future. But my concerns are mainly.

 

1) My wife is not a bad woman, and I do care about her despite what I am doing, and we have kids (almost teens now). Part of me feels very bad that I am doing this, and the thought that I would continue to do this for 7 years, knowing I would leave her, just seems terrible and wrong to do to her, to anyone. Part of me thinks ultimately I might not have the strength to leave my wife anyway. That I do not want to leave her single in her 50's. Also, no assurances it would be an amicable divorce though I think it might be, but still do I really want to lose a good portion of all I have worked for? It wouldn't devastate me, as I do make a good living, but still.

 

2) I know I love this other woman. I do feel she loves me. I still have trouble trusting her at times, but I think it is mostly issues in my own mind. While we get along tremendously, I think it could be still be a slight gamble to ultimately be with her, and maybe an "everyday" relationship, I would find myself not as enthralled by her. Though she does intend to (as is common in her profession), to live in a city (with me) for two weeks at a time, then travel to a job site for two weeks, then back home, and so forth. Of course, I suspect I would be the one paying for this residence. I really don't think she is using me, but I could be wrong. Maybe amazing sex blinds your rational judgment...then again maybe amazing sex happens because there is something real and pure there.

 

It seems like a no win situation. Stay with my wife with whom I can be content with and work on things even, but I then lose the woman who gives me great joy, love, affection and happiness. Or go with the woman I love and break up my family. And while my GF and I love each other, I would be going to a relationship that will never involve marriage. Maybe that's good for me, but I still believe in marriage (albeit mine is not working at the moment).

 

On the other hand, I really have 7 years to worry about it, but again, I really feel uneasy continuing this while misleading my wife, especially for a girl who is not committed to marrying me once I leave my wife. Some have advised me I should just keep it going and see how it works out...maybe in 7 years I will want to leave my wife, or maybe I won't and I just end the relationship with the GF. That of course is a costly proposition in itself, for it is not cheap seeing this girl.

 

Something I hadn't thought of, if what if I leave my wife now. The GF has never asked for that, though has told me she will tell everyone about me "once I am single". But I'm not sure she would want to live with me now, or if that's even practicable...given our careers/lives/locations are not at that point just yet.

 

A few final points. I spend most of my thoughts, time, and desires on the GF. Even though she is far away, she has a strong hold on my heart and mind. She has emphasized before that she is not interested in my money, and even at times shows an interest in helping me cut costs, and says she would live modestly with me...but without money (mine) we would not even have a relationship at this point. My kids are growing up quick, and already are acting like they don't need me, and even in that rebellious stage. This is also a distraction at times ...consumes lots of energy - just need to decide what path is best and stick with it.

 

Okay, try not to call me too many bad names...but if you have been in similar situations (any side) or have general thoughts, let me know. I know ultimately it's my choice, but your thoughts are appreciated.

 

So what you're saying is, is that you are a sociopathic narcissist?

[Sugarkane]

I bet if you did leave your wife for the younger woman, you would probably end up breaking up because it's no longer taboo and thrilling.

[PharaohABQ]

Drop the GF man. You're paying for sex and you don't even realize it. You're going to devastate your family. I'd be surprised if your wife doesn't already have her suspicions. You're not James Bond, You're not going to get out of it with your balls intact. I would no be surprised if you tried to break it off with the GF and she threatens to blackmail you with your wife! Sure it's fun and you're a cheating bastard, but your GF is making you feel young and wanted. Nevermind that you're adding TNT to the pile of lies stacked on your marriage certificate. It's going to explode soon. it might just take a misplaced word or a call on the phone. It's your house, you're going to need to clean it up. You should honor your wife who pledged to love you and who gave you kids. Yes you're getting older, but that's life man. Your wife and kids are all you're going to have in 20 years to take care of you, to see you through retirement and to visit you when you're old. I've seen what divorce does to a family, it's bad. This young GF you have isn't going to be there. If she's playing around, then likely she'll move on when you're not doing it for her anymore. You're F'n up your life. It's not too late. Drop the GF and pay attention to your wife. You'll see you're not really missing anything. Hell! - Buy a vintage sportscar to fix up, it'll cost less than your GF, and won't exactly ruin your marriage. Your kids won't end up hating you for it either. You don't get second chances to do it right the first time. You Said you love your wife, That should be the answer to your question.

[KathyM]

 

1) My wife is not a bad woman, and I do care about her despite what I am doing, and we have kids (almost teens now). Part of me feels very bad that I am doing this, and the thought that I would continue to do this for 7 years, knowing I would leave her, just seems terrible and wrong to do to her, to anyone. Part of me thinks ultimately I might not have the strength to leave my wife anyway. That I do not want to leave her single in her 50's.

Focus on the above part of your post. This is what your conscience is telling you, not your ego, not your genitals, but your conscience. Allow your conscience to guide you on this. Don't string your wife along for seven years, planning to leave her high and dry after the kids are gone. This is your partner, the women you promised to love, and whom you claim to still care about. Be honest with her, and confess your feelings, and allow her to have honesty in her life. Don't rob her of those years in a fake marriage that has a time bomb attached to it. It's time to come clean to her.

[LostConfused123]

The only thing that keeps going through my mind is. . . . .

That poor woman!!! (wife of course)

[Shaine]

I think your mistress cant be trusted. Your instinct is even telling you she cant be trusted!

 

Why would a 20+ career woman get in a relationship with a married man twice her age? Is she ugly? Cant she find a single man close to her age? Do you really think she has fallen head over heels inlove with you that she is willing to overlook your age and you being married? With kids?

 

I bet she's in it for the money. Open up your eyes. She is not a good person! Of course she will tell you she doesnt believe in marriage. She's only using you.

 

You're willing to destroy your family for this woman who doesnt even want to marry you? Your delusional.

[Logan oO]

You can almost 'feel' the hatred in this thread lol.

 

Ok, so cheating on your wife is bad full stop. You've stated how she's a good woman, and you've been together a long time, but here's the funny part.

 

Do you really think that in SEVEN years, this woman half your age will have the very same views and feelings as she does today? what if you lose your job / income and can't see her as often for long periods of time.

 

Anything could happen and being 20 years your junior, she could meet anyone at anytime and change overnight.

 

What you are doing is 'wrong' morally, but i'm not here to tell you what you are doing is right or wrong. This is a place for advice. Not a place to be persecuted for life choices.

 

I suggest, that you try taking your wife away instead, and regaining some of the magic with her, she sounds like a nice woman, and after 15 years together and 2 wonderful children, you'd be a fool not to want to hold on to that forever.

 

Let the young girl go, as i said, right now she may be cool with no marriage or kids, but 'time' can change people.

 

Surprise your wife, take her away, treat her to something nice.

 

You, yourself don't seem like a bad person, hell you've been with the same woman for over a decade. Kudos for that. BUT - you have what many of us wish we could have 'a family' a 'secure relationship' with a partner who wants 'only you'.

 

Don't be so quick to throw it away because a brainless young girl who thinks she knows what she wants has this 'plan'.

[LostConfused123]

I know this thread has absolutely nothing to do with me but I have to say this. Maybe some of you can relate.

 

I actually feel guilty now, feeling so heartbroken over my own BU. The pain I am going through is absolutely NOTHING compared to the awful devastation, hurt and betrayal this woman would feel if you left her for your mistress.

 

I can't believe how lucky I feel that this isn't happening to me.

 

I really hope you don't put your wife through a hellish nightmare OP!

At the same time I wish you peace and love this holiday!

[NoLeafClover]

Look at me , look at me...I'M A CHEATER

 

I never understood how people can not have any type of problem and shame with the fact that they are cheating and clearly having not a problem about it.

 

Throughout your whole thread, not once you have said you feel bad about your WIFE and kids.

All i read is "I" this and "I" that....Here is a hint...STOP BEING SO SELFISH.

 

 

If you're so unhappy why didn't you get a divorce. Why not split then date someone else?

Oh wait, you're happy with your wife, but you have a better time with this younger "girl" ? So you want your cake and want to eat it too.

 

This is not the usual - I am dating a girl or I have a girlfriend but I am not happy with her so you start to get the easy way out but looking around while still staying in the boring relationship.

 

This is someone you were married with and have kids, share assets etc etc.

 

 

I envy you because it takes some real guts to come up with stories that you're at work or on a business trip when you're off screwing this girl and spending money on her. It takes a lot of guts to go back to your family like nothing happened and put a smile on your face and sleep in same bed when the night before you were sleeping in another woman's arms.

 

What a nice life you're living. Poor family of yours and that wife of yours who has to deal with a man at your age going through mid life crises.

 

You are so delusional you can't even see it yourself...

What can YOU truly give this girl in her mid 20's or late 20s, that a guy her age can't give her? There are plenty of young men that are not looking to settle or have kids, so I don't know who she or you are fooling with that excuse of why it's okay to date a married man.

 

Please tell me how is she not using you, when you're clearly paying for every single thing..and I am not referring to getting a room and dinners.

 

If tables were flipped around, she would not spend that type of money on you, she would spending it on someone younger than you that doesn't have any baggage, wife and kids.

 

I don't understand what kind of advice you want from us. You clearly are doing something wrong and are looking for advice from people who are mostly on the other side of the relationship.

 

...You keep beating behind the bush just remember - What goes around, comes around.

[Jules78]

Take it from someone who knows. Stay with your wife and drop this girl ASAP. It will be nearly impossible since you are addicted to her but it can be done. Do not ruin your life and your families for this young girl. You will do so much damage and you will end up alone.

 

PAY ATTENTION!!

 

You will destroy your wife

You will destroy your children

You will end up alone!

 

Do you love your children more than you love this girl? I would hope so. If you do, dump her immediately and focus ALL of the attention you are giving to this girl, on your wife!

 

I'm telling you what will happen. This girl is still so young. When she grows up and becomes more mature, her feelings will change. She will end up resenting you because you cheat on your wife. She will also always wonder if you will cheat on her. No trust. It will not end well. And again, YOU WILL END UP ALONE and leave a path of destruction behind - which includes your wife and children!!

Edited November 26, 2013 by Jules78

[lovelorcet]

Are you so naive? You are simply a self absorbed sugar daddy. The best thing you can do is simply be honest with your wife. Let her choose who she wants to spend the next 15 years of her life with....

[headinthecloud]

How would your kids feel if they read this thread?