Hurt and with friendship turned love gone wrong

[Katie197888]

This is a long one..A lot of history between us - sorry!

 

Josh and I met over 6 years ago at a car dealership that we both worked at.It was INSTANT attraction. We spent a lot of time flirting and enjoying eachothers company. I had an terrible boyfriend at the time and I broke things offwith him to be with Josh. We spent some time together for about a month untilhe moved to Colorado for the winter.

 

Throughout the years we kept in touch, harmlessly flirty, but we haddifferent significant others. Last year we finally had the chance to betogether after we both broke up with our significant others within a month ofeach other. We were dating but didn't make it official, that was also the firsttime we slept together. We had fooled around in the past but had never gone allthe way. Things were ok, but neither of us were really ready to date at thetime and I was still kind of hung up on my ex. I left him because he couldn'tstep up with things that I needed to around the house and we weren'tgetting along very well. But I was still in love with him, I'm just kind of oneof those girls who doesn't settle and felt like I needed to find someone morefitting and ambitious. My ex gently forced his way back into my life and beggedfor me back so I agreed on one more try. 10 months later we broke up again...

 

And what happens next? Josh and I get together again. We are like twomagnets that can't stay away from each other. Something about us has alwayssparked and no matter who we are with we have each other in the back of ourminds, almost secretly longing to be with each other. We started dating shortlyafter my 2nd break up with my ex. Things were so, so good..for alittle while. While our attraction to each other was on absolute fire and wehad the best sex together that we have ever experienced, we seemed to buttheads and constantly disagree with each other. We went to a town about an houraway from home that I fell in love with and I started planning on moving therewithin the next year. He mentioned moving there for me, I thought he was seeingme in his future. About a month later we were discussing the town andI told him that I was reading a study that said couples who move in togetherbefore engagement or marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who waituntil one of those milestones—just said it in passing—and he quickly said hewould never get engaged to someone he hasn’t lived with before. Kind of throughme for a loop, I mean why would you move in with someone you don’t plan onbeing with forever, seems like a lot of wasted money and time to me. We haveboth lived with ex’s that failed so I know for me I would never make that commitmentto move in with someone again unless I knew the boyfriend was ‘the one’, breaking up is so much worse whenyou live together. Okay..that was issue #1.

 

#2 – Pot. Josh smokes pot and I am very against it. (I’m not asking forexplanations of why pot is totally fine, believe me I have heard it from himmany times, but I come from a family with drug problems and that’s justsomething that I do not want in my life). I knew this going on so partially myfault. After dropping by announced, I got to his house to find him really high,which was such a turn off for me. I thought about breaking it off because ofthat and after talking to him about it he made it very clear that he was goingto quit because he couldn’t stand to lose ‘the girl of his dreams’. He said hewas throwing the rest of it away—done and done. A few days later he comes overand we start to kiss and I smell it on him. I ask, he admits he smoked the lastof it that he hadn’t actually thrown away, I was upset and felt betrayed andlied to but I literally applauded his honesty because he wasn’t supposed tocome over that night and he said he thought I wouldn’t have found out. That wasthe last that he smoked pot that I know of, I wanted to believe him this time.

 

Along with the pot issue, he is broke. Broke or cheap, or maybe both..I haveno idea. He has ‘no money’ although he makes a really good living. He lives onhis own, as do I, so I know that bills take their toll on your paycheck. Hemakes 20k more than me a year. He is so broke that he can’t even buy me dinner(mind you, he is almost 29) but he can afford to smoke pot. He says it’s cheap,but so is a Chipotle meal, come on! One thing that really upset me last weekwas that his brother asked me to do an emergency groom for his dog that endedup with burrs all in his hair from hiking that day. I drove over with myequipment, took care of the pup and his brother asked me what I wanted forhelping, I said nothing and not to worry about it. Josh invited me out todinner right after and as he was collecting the check I saw him reaching forhis wallet. I said ‘Aww, thanks baby for getting dinner tonight’ Then he pullsout a $20 and his card and said ‘This money was from grooming the dog' and laid it outwith the check to pay the bill. MY money that I earned from the late nightgroom, he didn’t even tell me his brother slipped him. I would have offered topay anyway, like always, but I felt kind of upset that he took it upon himself to use my money. Butyet…he can afford pot.

 

I also have tried to talk to him our future together, like making certainthat he is ok with not having kids. He also mentioned that he eventually wouldlike to live in Colorado again but I have a business here in Maryland that Ican’t just pack up and leave. He seems to dismiss these inquiries/talks aboutour future together although he calls me the girl of his dreams and hasmentioned several times that he doesn’t see this relationship as short term byany means.

 

I fell in love with this guy. I have been waiting to hear that the feelingis mutual but after 6 years of being crazy for each other and 3 months of datingI guess he doesn’t love me yet. These problems listed above may not be such anissue if I only knew that he loved me and our differences are worth working through.Without being loved, it’s hard for me to continue budding heads with hope forour relationship.

 

I broke it off with him last Wednesday. He was upset but agreed that we justcouldn’t see eye to eye. I never told him I loved him but as we were talkingthrough the breakup I told him that I had been falling in love with him and thatall of this was killing me. I got no acknowledgement of mentioning love.

 

We didn’t speak for a couple days then I went to his house last night todrop a few things off. We talked a little bit, said we missed each other andslept together. Sex was amazing as always, but I felt empty and cheapafterwards. I left quickly.

 

I still miss him, am hurting a lot and don’t know what to do. I hate to seethis fire we have had for each other for so long burn out. He is an absoluteknock out, we look great together, we have always had a great friendship andhave a lot of the same views. He is a hard worker, a compassionate person witha great family and he was a very thoughtful boyfriend. Always telling me howbeautiful I was, picking flowers, lots of texts and calls just to say hey. Myonly issues are the pot and that he can’t even buy dinner once in a while(unless it’s with my money..).

 

I feel sometimes like he wants me because I am beautiful and we fit togetherin many ways, but maybe he doesn’t want the legit commitment. Like loving meand actually talking about our future together. I don’t get it. He says hewants to be with me for a long time and talks about our future in passing butwhen I bring it up he dismisses it.

 

What should I do?

Edited November 4, 2013 by Katie197888

[Katie197888]

No thoughts anyone?

[Arty54]

Hi Katie, I am new on here but have reading many posts over the past month or so. Have a similar situation to yours as I too have lost my best friend of 30yrs because we got it together and now its over!!

I think he just doesn't know what he wants, I couldn't believe my luck when she agreed to date me and fell head over in heels in love with me, but while i knew I loved her I was too slow to fully appreciate what I had been gifted. Everything was fantastic between us but eventully she ran out of trying to get me to her level.

Relationships are very hard and need a lot of work and when one person knows what they want and the other is slow to respond we lose respect and eventually love for that other person.

I think for the sake of your freindship if you still want to keep it you need to back off and just accept that at this moment in time it just isn't right for the two of you.

[Katie197888]

Hi Katie, I am new on here but have reading many posts over the past month or so. Have a similar situation to yours as I too have lost my best friend of 30yrs because we got it together and now its over!!

I think he just doesn't know what he wants, I couldn't believe my luck when she agreed to date me and fell head over in heels in love with me, but while i knew I loved her I was too slow to fully appreciate what I had been gifted. Everything was fantastic between us but eventully she ran out of trying to get me to her level.

Relationships are very hard and need a lot of work and when one person knows what they want and the other is slow to respond we lose respect and eventually love for that other person.

I think for the sake of your freindship if you still want to keep it you need to back off and just accept that at this moment in time it just isn't right for the two of you.

 

Thanks for your kind words Arty. <3