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Not Coping Well


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First a big hello to everyone! I have been reading this forum for the past couple of months and decided finally to join and post.

 

It has helped me over the past couple of months to read other's stories, but I find myself now at a place where I really am not coping well.

 

I was with my ex for a bit over a year. We were in a ldr for the first 6 months, traveling between countries to see each other, and when we had a month apart in between he would call and Skype several times a day. I have been in love before, but I feel this was the first time I was truly in love, the first time I saw a real future, and the first person I felt I could truly trust. It was hard in the beginning, as I have been with a lot of bad, deceiving and cheating men. But he continuously assured me he would never leave, that I was the one, that he would never try again if we broke up because he loved me so much blah blah.

 

Anyway long story short, after I moved to France to be with him, he changed his mind seemingly suddenly after 2 months, then he changed his mind back, then changed it again and dumped me 6 weeks ago. 3 weeks after the split he started dating the first girl who showed him attention. His only reasons he gave me for the break up were that he didn't love me and wanted a relationship with zero arguments and thought the few we had were too many (they were mostly he would say something to upset me then ignore it rather than explain what he meant).

 

Now I am starting from scratch, no job, no apartment (I may have that in the next few days though) and my French is ok but not great. I have lost all friends connected to him obviously - they ignore me if I ask to hang out so I stopped. I saw them once since the break up and they told me they thought he was acting strange and were shocked because they said all he talked about the last year was how much he loved me and seemed so happy. They said they wanted to stay friends with me because they liked me a lot but I have heard nothing from them.

 

He is away for work and has been calling me all the time. Mostly I ignore it but finally I told him yesterday he should be calling his girlfriend not me and he just said 'ok' with zero emotion.

 

I am good at pretending but feel myself holding back tears all day. I cannot eat and just want to lay on the couch and smoke all day. I think I have definitely reached the 'depression' stage of transition. I know I will feel better when I get out of this house and away from the memories of him, but I just feel so confused.

 

My head is saying forget him, my heart will not stop. People just say 'move on' but I feel so many emotions I don't know how to handle it. I feel like a lonely loser, I feel cheated by his false promises, and I feel really strong resentment towards him for what I feel like now was all a lie.

 

I tried dating again and for a couple of weeks felt better, but as usual that guy ignored me after I slept with him. It was out of character for me but before anyone suggests 'waiting' I tried that several times before and the same result happened, even after waiting 2-3 months which is worse when you are already emotionally invested.

 

It is not like it is difficult for me to meet men; I always get men approaching me in bars, on the street, at a bus stop, screaming how beautiful I am etc. But I have no self confidence after my relationship disasters. I just wanna punch every man in the face who comes up to me lol. I seem to have a giant a-hole magnet on my forehead.

 

My questions:

 

1) why do you think he left? Do you think he got scared of the commitment after I arrived here? (he said he wanted to marry me)

2) is he over me already if he is already dating this other girl?

3) most important, I need some hope. Are there really any good men out there?

 

A big hug to everyone who feels the same as me!

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Move back to your home country, stop smoking, and block the douche from your life; he isn't worth your time.

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Thanks for your response. I definitely want to stop smoking, but not move back home. Living in Europe was always a dream for me, and I want to study my post-grad here next year. If I go back home I think I will feel worse, just clicking my heels until I can apply for universities.

 

The weirdest part was he wasn't a douche, he was the nicest guy you'll ever meet. My whole family loved him and his friends told me they have never seen him so in love, or treat a girl so badly, and they have known him 20 years. So it's not just like I have a bad judge of character.

 

Calling him a douche made me smile though lol thanks :)

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Thanks for your response. I definitely want to stop smoking, but not move back home. Living in Europe was always a dream for me, and I want to study my post-grad here next year. If I go back home I think I will feel worse, just clicking my heels until I can apply for universities.

 

The weirdest part was he wasn't a douche, he was the nicest guy you'll ever meet. My whole family loved him and his friends told me they have never seen him so in love, or treat a girl so badly, and they have known him 20 years. So it's not just like I have a bad judge of character.

 

Calling him a douche made me smile though lol thanks :)

 

What has Europe got to offer you? Why France?

 

Seriously though - STOP SMOKING

 

P.s. He is a douche :)

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My degree is in art, and I want to specialize in French art. So learning French is something I wanted to do, and also finding some intern positions in galleries for my cv, and there are more galleries in a block here than there are back home. These were all things I was considering before I met him - I was planning on spending my gap year in New York, Paris, or Italy before. I also do not want this to be my only memory of what was supposed to be a fun year in my life before years of serious study. To pack up and leave means not only did I waste time on him, but thousands of dollars for nothing too!

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headinthecloud

Firstly, it's normal to feel the way you're feeling right now, a BU (when you're the dumpee) gives a serious blow to the ego and your self-esteem. Given that you altered the course of your life for him you're probably feeling even more vulnerable.

 

After your move, did you rely on your ex to "take care of you" or help you get settled in France? If yes, which would not be unreasonable or unrealistic provided it was temporary, then maybe he couldn't handle the pressure of supporting someone. It can be a real burden on some people and they often feel trapped and don't know how to cope so they often end things or leave themselves.

 

Had he lived with a woman in the past, before your relationship? Past relationship behavior is often an indicator of future behavior.

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headinthecloud
My degree is in art, and I want to specialize in French art. So learning French is something I wanted to do, and also finding some intern positions in galleries for my cv, and there are more galleries in a block here than there are back home. These were all things I was considering before I met him - I was planning on spending my gap year in New York, Paris, or Italy before. I also do not want this to be my only memory of what was supposed to be a fun year in my life before years of serious study. To pack up and leave means not only did I waste time on him, but thousands of dollars for nothing too!

 

The experience is never a waste because you had the courage to try. The lessons learned will shape your future n a positive way. As a good friend told me, this is just one more experience that will bring you closer to Mr. Right so have faith in what will be.

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This post hit hard because I am in exactly the same situation. I know what it feels like to love a guy who can't make up his mind. I know how miserable and terrifying it feels to have to start over. I even know what it feels like to try and start dating again only to have the losers leave you as soon as you sleep with them. I'm currently in the stage of hating all men while simultaneously getting emotionally invested only to see it end in the most destructive and painful way possible. I pick myself up each time and start from the very beginning.

 

But here's how I see it. The only thing that gets me through the day is hope...the realization that there will be a day when life doesn't suck. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I assure you that good things are waiting for us. After all, there is only so much crap the universe can throw at us. It's up to us to see through that and figure out a way to be happy. But once you do that, an amazing thing happens. The happy days add up and even the little moments of joy will seem significant. You will get tired of being depressed all the time and choose to be happy instead. Once you start becoming proactive in finding happiness in everything, the anger and the hurt disappear. Happiness is a choice and it's up to each one of us to find the things that make us happy. We are going to move on and there will come a day when you realize that this chapter of your life was necessary for you to grow and become the person you've always wanted to be. You will find someone who treats you well, respects you, and loves you unconditionally. No one and nothing can change that. :)

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Be joyful you see his true self now rather than marrying him.

 

My head is saying forget him, my heart will not stop. People just say 'move on' but I feel so many emotions I don't know how to handle it. I feel like a lonely loser, I feel cheated by his false promises, and I feel really strong resentment towards him for what I feel like now was all a lie.

 

It's completely normal to feel the above. Don't let yourself dwell for too long.

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Wow thank you everyone for the responses :)

 

Headinthecloud, I feel I relied on him only in a reasonable way. I encouraged him many times to go out with his friends without me (even though I had no friends yet), but he denied this in our break up talk, I think he forgets this because every time he refused to leave without me, he supported me financially, which he had offered when he asked me to come, but I did not take advantage of that (he left me hundreds of euros when he would leave for work for example and I only would spend 50 or so), but I probably relied on him too much to speak French for me when I had to do things like go to the store or the bank etc.

 

He had lived with two girls before me, but not here in France. When we broke up I asked him what his longest relationship was and he said 1.5 years. I somewhat meanly said that answers the question - he runs away whenever it gets serious and he is 35 years old (I am 26) and I said he has no idea what real love is when the honeymoon phase ends and he thinks the love is gone. He had no response and I felt bad but I think I hit the nail on the head there.

 

Ss1891, thank you for your words of hope. I think I am in the man hating stage right now. It sucks that every time this happens, I look back and remember how happy I was single the moment before I met these douchebags, but I don't know if the next time I reach that stage I will be as willing to give that up as I have in the past!

 

Reading these forums I see all these heartbroken men and it just makes me wonder why I have never met one. I have always been the dumpee as pathetic as that sounds, have always tried to be the girlfriend men hope for. With my ex I kept the house immaculate, cooked dinner every night, washed his clothes, gave him massages when he came home from work, and tried to not fight or argue too much when I felt like he needed to hear certain things. I really hope one day I will meet a man who appreciates that and not just run away like I am some sort of evil monster :(

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headinthecloud
Wow thank you everyone for the responses :)

 

Headinthecloud, I feel I relied on him only in a reasonable way. I encouraged him many times to go out with his friends without me (even though I had no friends yet), but he denied this in our break up talk, I think he forgets this because every time he refused to leave without me, he supported me financially, which he had offered when he asked me to come, but I did not take advantage of that (he left me hundreds of euros when he would leave for work for example and I only would spend 50 or so), but I probably relied on him too much to speak French for me when I had to do things like go to the store or the bank etc.

 

He had lived with two girls before me, but not here in France. When we broke up I asked him what his longest relationship was and he said 1.5 years. I somewhat meanly said that answers the question - he runs away whenever it gets serious and he is 35 years old (I am 26) and I said he has no idea what real love is when the honeymoon phase ends and he thinks the love is gone. He had no response and I felt bad but I think I hit the nail on the head there.

 

Ss1891, thank you for your words of hope. I think I am in the man hating stage right now. It sucks that every time this happens, I look back and remember how happy I was single the moment before I met these douchebags, but I don't know if the next time I reach that stage I will be as willing to give that up as I have in the past!

 

Reading these forums I see all these heartbroken men and it just makes me wonder why I have never met one. I have always been the dumpee as pathetic as that sounds, have always tried to be the girlfriend men hope for. With my ex I kept the house immaculate, cooked dinner every night, washed his clothes, gave him massages when he came home from work, and tried to not fight or argue too much when I felt like he needed to hear certain things. I really hope one day I will meet a man who appreciates that and not just run away like I am some sort of evil monster :(

 

It sounds as though you give up a lot of yourself in your relationships. I used to be similar - generous, kind, loving - and I was independent as well. And the thing is, I enjoyed taking care of the house and him. But it still didnt work. I soon realized that I had to take care of myself in the relationship and my needs, not be June Clever and solve everyone else's problems.

 

The great thing about this experience is that it will bring you closer to yourself - understanding your own patterns in relationships. You might be a classic "overfunctioner" and that can come across as being intense for some people to handle. Try to imagine the kind of relationship/environment where you would thrive. You're in France, so there is a lot of inspiration wherever you go. Once you know what your own needs are, seek people who will compliment you. Once you have a strong sense of self then he will come into your life.

 

"I found myself in Paris." - quote from movie called Sabrina (remake with Harrison Ford)

Edited by headinthecloud
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So my story is here is you want to read it - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/436303-not-coping-well#post5304966

 

I found my new apartment and signed the lease today. I have spent the last 2 days packing my things and just feel so depressed. We had lived together all up for 6 months of the last year, and I accumulated a lot of things, and I also brought a lot from my country because I thought we would be getting married and I would spend my life here.

 

Going through all my papers and things, I found so many things that made me burst into tears from happier times - concert tickets, birthday cards, photos, presents. I put them all in a box and am going to tell him i will come back for them later, I cannot have them in my new apartment. Plus I know it will crush him to see all those things (he got really upset when I said I did not want the jewellery he had given me).

 

I guess it just feels so final now.

 

I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he returns home next week and I am gone. He doesn't know I am moving yet because he is away for work, and the two times before I tried to move out he cried and said I should stay longer (complicated man I guess).

 

I just feel so depressed. The only thing that makes me smile is the thought of when I return in a few weeks to collect some parcels and mail being sent to the old apartment, looking gorgeous now that I have lost a bunch of weight and leaving him in my dust to regret his decision!

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Hello almostfrench,

Good on you for making the move and taking another appartment, IMO if you can just leave that box of memories behind, move out, don't return and don't let him know where you have gone.

He obviously cannot commit to a long term relationship, you are a giver by the sounds of it and therefore need someone who gives the same or is working to that point.

It is hard but you still have many happier years ahead, might not seem like it now but you will meet somone who will love and respect you, just be strong and don't give up.......just walk away!

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I agree with the person above you. You're a giver, and you need someone that wants to do the same. He seems like he's afraid of the void once you leave because then it'll really sink in for him that it's over and he'll finally realize the relationship has failed. It happens to the best of us… join the club. There's always lessons to be taken from every relationship you're in. You WILL find somebody deserving of you and somebody that loves you for who you are. Just get yourself out there, reconnect with old friends and your family, do hobbies you've been wanting to do for a while but haven't yet, go work out, go for a walk in the park, take a hot bubble bath, focus on you. You are your priority, nobody or nothing else is right now. Now is the time to get yourself back to that happy, newer self.

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Thanks guys :) I think I will feel better once I am completely moved out of here (by the weekend). A part of me still hopes that when he comes back he will change his mind and realize how cruel he has been to me, but I know I have to allow that hope to die. It is more difficult because I do not have so many friends here. It is good to be able to come here and read and talk though!

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Hey everyone!

 

My question today is related to what everyone here calls 'breadcrumbs'.

 

My ex of 2 months now, has been away for work for a month now. We still lived together for a few weeks after the break up because I am new in the country, but I will be gone before he returns in a few days. The day he left he told me to call if I need anything. I told him I would not be contacting him, but he could send me an email when he hears the news of my computer being fixed (he handled this for me).

 

After this, he called me every night/every second night for the first 2 weeks. I ignored 3/4 of the calls. When I answered he just wanted to 'chat' but started with lame excuses like 'sorry it's about your computer, I have no news' grrrr

 

I then sent him an email as my form of closure and asked him to not call me as I needed to move on, spoke a bit about the end of the relationship, but said I do not want a response from the email. He then calls to say he got the email but needed time to think what to say. I said again it needed no response.

 

He then calls several other times and I eventually answered and he is chatting and I said 'look, I can't do this, you should be calling your new girlfriend and not me!" he met her right before he left, my friend thinks he is just using her so he has someone to come back to.

 

Just when I think the calls have stopped, his mother comes to see me and asks questions about how I am etc, I told her about my apartment hunting and new job. He calls again and says 'oh no news about apartments or jobs? Really?' I told him no.

 

Then he calls again and I ignored it and he sends me an email saying it is really hard being away from home, much harder than last time with a '......' at the end of the email. I knew he was hinting at it being hard because usually when he would go away he would have me to talk to every day.

 

So he has been wasting all his phone calls he gets on this job on me, only emailing his new girlfriend.

 

The second part of this is gonna sound crazy to those of you who don't believe these things, but I have had many dreams in the past that have come true. They are very different to normal dreams, always very vivid and yet usually in places like bare rooms etc. For example, the night he was out and met this new girl, I was at home sleeping. I had a dream I had walked into the apartment and there was this girl (who looked exactly like his new girlfriend btw) and I had asked him if he slept with her. I had said "she's not even pretty" and he said "yeah she is definitely no Sara!" that is his new girlfriends name.

 

I am now being haunted by this dream where I am sitting on his couch, and there is nothing else in the room. I am talking to him about new things in my life and he starts to smirk and then laugh. I ask why it is so funny and he says 'it is bad to tell you this, but I am changing my mind about us" in the dream though I am really angry at this and then I wake up.

 

Like I said, I know this will sound crazy to most of you, but I am almost certain this is going to happen.

 

I just don't understand why he will not leave me alone! Why the hell dump me, get a new girlfriend, then spend all your phone calls calling me to say nothing? Then when I ignore the calls I feel like he send his mother as a spy or emails me instead. This is just confusing the hell out of me, and I feel like every time I take a step forward, like going on a date, talking to a good looking man, or feel relieved to not have thought about him for a while, he has some sort of radar and boom! Phone rings and back to square one. What should I do?

Edited by AlmostFrench
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headinthecloud

Congratulations on the new place!! A fresh start with a fresh attitude.

 

You have to go full no contact (NC). No calls, emails or anything. You must disappear from his life.

 

Keep posting and tell us how you're doing. Time for you to focus all that energy on you and your new life.

Edited by headinthecloud
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