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Hurts too much to talk, but hurts not talking as well


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Hi. My boyfriend and I broke up almost 5 months ago now. We dated for 3 1/2 years. I am 25 and he is 28. We kept in contact after the breakup, mostly over email, but our conversations were not good. They would start out friendly but always end up in a fight. It definitely hurt me so much to keep in contact with him. He broke up with me and I feel like everytime we spoke, I never got the reaction out of him that I wanted (of course because the reaction that I wanted was for him to say he wanted to get back together). Every time we would talk, it was like the wound was reopen all over again and I had to start the healing process over again. Two weeks ago we decided that we were not going to talk for a while because it was too hard for both of us. It has been almost two weeks now since we've spoken and I miss him so much and have been sad. I want to contact him so bad, even though I know what the end result will be and know that no matter how sad I am now, I will be even sadder then. So then why do I want to contact him? Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like I'm addicted or something or like the pain. Why can't I let go totally? I know that by not talking to him, the pain will get less and less and I will get over him, but it's such a scary thought for me to think he's out of my life and I keep holding on. I am just wondering if other people go through the same thing and how they cope. Thank you.

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HokeyReligions

Everything you are going through is normal. Try to think ahead and focus on your future and stop thinking about things you no longer have. Pretend he was a rash that you are healing from! Be with friends, date others, stay away from places and activities that you did with him. Find new things and people to occupy your mind and energy.

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christinew24

OMIGOD when I read your posting I felt like it was me writing it. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years about a week ago. I cannot stop crying...I can barely function on a conscious level...I can;t sleep I barely eat. I knew it was going to be hard but this is the worst and most pain i have ever felt before. We have also been talking and I would say or do things to hopefully say he wants to try and make things work. Maybe if I was funnier, or cooler, etc etc. finally I found out he is emailing this girl about being partners salsa dancing, which he would never do with me.....he never wanted to do anything fun with me. I could noty handle it anymore I wrote him this terrible email today about how I thought he was the worst person ever and that I hope someone inflicts the same pain he has on me. Now all the while I am writing this still hoping he would want to get back together. We were together 6 years and it seems so easy for him to move on....while here I am hanging on by a small thread....How are you dealing with it? I am not! After 6 years everything I do/have/ go reminds me of him....

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Christinew24: Well it has only been a week, so it is totally normal how you feel. Now we have been broken up for 5 months so it's a little different. I am past the stage where I feel like I can't do anything, but I still can't accept that he's out of my life and I still keep throwing myself back into the drama. I can't help it, I can't stay away.

As for you, don't think it's so easy for him to move on. My ex has not moved on with anyone else, but I find that it's so easy for him to not talk and to not contact me. I ask him why is it so easy and he says it's not, that it's hard for him but he just handles it differently. Guys and girls act differently towards things. If you have been together for 6 years, there is no way that he is not missing you now and thinking of you. It's just normal. But trust me, I know how you feel. For the first couple of weeks, I couldn't function. I was literally just going through the motions. As soon as my eyes would open in the morning, I would be depressed. We were ready to get engaged....we looked at rings, registered at a church, looked at reception halls, our whole families and us all thought it was happening within a couple of weeks. We broke up completely out of the blue. I think the hardest thing when you break up with someone is the shattered dreams. At least it was for me, and I think that's why it's so hard to let him go. I have trouble letting go of people. It's almost like I have to know that I am important to someone. It's bad. But please, hang in there. It will get easier. I am not where I want to be at any point, but it is a lot better now. I am here if you ever want to talk. Just think ahead and try not to dwell on the past. Know that you had something very special and that you cannot take that away. You both have learned something. Even though you don't know why now, there is a reason that this happened. That's what I keep trying to tell myself, and that at this point in my life, this is where I'm supposed to be. I'm sure everything will work out for the best for both of us. For now, we just have to hang in there and be strong!

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My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me 4 months ago. She was not as nice as your ex-bf to leave your wound alone. My ex-gf many times come back to put salt into my wound.

 

She left me and dated some guy almost immediately after but still saying that she loves me to hold on to me, and blame me for everything. She lied to me a lot. After things go wrong between her n the guy, she comes back to me to work things out, got me happy for a bit. But told me that it doesn't work 2 days after, tell me to move on. It was like she came back to kick me after I fell.

 

The second time, I came back to her house to move the rest of my furniture out of her house. She called me immediately after, but I promised 2 myself not to talk to her anymore. She called me like 20 times a day, cried in voice mail, cried to me, left text messages.... Said she needed me. I fell for it and again she turned cold immediately and doesn't even want to talk to me. ( come back to give the 2nd kick )

 

The third time which is 3 months after we broke up, I dated this cute girl. She knew and tried to talk nice to me again. This time even more agressive tactics: she said she feels bad, everything is her fault, she will change for me, i'm the love of her life, ask me to forgive, promise nothing but love and happiness, she would give up everything... blah blah blah I again thought that this time is serious. But only a week later, she said that everything she said was true but just that she's not ready. She will do all those stuff but not right now... Then tell me that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, tell me to move on. ( This 3rd kick knocked me out cold )

 

To me, 3 times is enough to learn the lesson. I keep no contact for a month now. Only talked about 3 times but only needed for serious stuff. Nothing personal. I'm hurt right now writing this because my friend told me he saw my ex-gf with some guy at a bar. But she just told me a month ago that she would not date anybody that she doesnt need a bf....... So I totally feel what you guys are going through right now

 

Please keep the news posted.... It's always relief to share the feelings. I'll do the same

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At lot of people are able to empathise with what you are going through, there are even some who are going through the same thing. Every single day is a struggle for the first while, but it will get better after a while. My girlfriend broke up with me last week and I am devastated, I love her with all my heart and soul. I can live my life successfully though because I am focusing on myself for now.

 

We are here to help each other through the pain and it will go away. My ex-girlfriend is also my best friend and we are, at her request, on a period of no contact. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through, I cried every day for the first few days, but lately it is getting better and easier to cope with because I have been focusing on the obtainable positives for the future. I love so much and I want to be with her again, but I have to accept that this might not happen. What I can have back is my best friend, and I am going to concentrate on this. Isn't it better to know that you and your ex will both be happy in the future despite the fact that you might not have the relationship you crave so badly?

 

I know what you mean when you say that everything reminds you of your ex, it's the same for me. The only reason I am able to keep on going is because I am trying to make positive changes in my life. I'm not saying that anyone here is bad or weak, you are all amazing people. The fact that you can love as deeply as you do is testament to that, but everyone can grow and learn no matter where you are in life. Making this positive move in your life will get you through the pain and you will come out on the other side a better person for it.

 

Guyster, my long winded reply ends with you. Your ex says that she will change, it is possible that she will, but she can only change for herself. You can't change for other people, it has to be a choice that comes from within. Until she realizes this you can do better than her, and I know you will.

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Hi there, im on day 4 of my breakup.... and i'm trying to get a hold of the whole "no contact" thing also... the first few days we talked alot, even on the phone at night like we used to before we moved in together - and at the time it was great and the pain seemed to lift, but the moment the contact is broken again the whole cycle just starts again... the wound is re-opened and i just took 4 steps back after taking 5 steps forward.

 

It feels painful, but if you can get it sorted in your own mind that you wont be talking to your ex, then you will start moving on .... right now your just treading water by going through the same cycle again and again and not actually making any progress when (unfairly) they probably are.

 

Having said that, im doing the exact same thing right now and its incredibly difficult trying to do something that hurts more even if it is for the best.

 

Hope you sort things out with yourself.

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  • 1 year later...

Robohobo: i can't. I'm actually afraid of the NC thing. I don't want her out of my life. Not yet. She was a friend before we went out.. a close friend, but it hurts just to talk to her, knowing that she's holding hands with this other guy, cuddling with this other guy... its not even the whole who is she having sex with... its the fact that this guy is getting her emotions, rather than me.

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