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Good relationship just ended; please help!


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I'm in horrible pain right now. My boyfriend (he's 25, I'm 29) just broke up with me.

 

We had been dating for only two months, but it was an incredible two months. His reason is that this is bad timing for him. He's gone through a lot of hardship lately, and he just doesn't want a girlfriend right now, even though he says he still has feelings for me and will always care for me.

 

He's not an ass, and I am absolutely positive that there is no one else. He still wants to be friends and see me, but right now he needs some time alone to relax and unwind. He hasn't seen his friends as much lately, although I never tried to keep him from doing so.

 

He and I almost never ever fought, although a couple of times there have been disagreements.

 

He says he's more hurt over hurting me than anything, but he also says he keeps a tight lid on his feelings. He's only had a couple of girlfriends before. Even pursuing him I was told by friends that he wasn't ready for a girlfriend, but when I told him I liked him, he immediately responded and asked me to be his girlfriend, so I'm really confused.

 

I feel like a ball and chain now, and I'm completely miserable because I HAD been so happy with him. He said there were times he was deliriously happy with me, and then I have most of the qualities he really wants in a woman. He said he just needs time to find himself.

 

I don't know whether I should give up all hope or not. The pain is so strong right now that I can't stop crying. Part of me feels like crap because he left me, and part of me cares so much about him that I want to leave him alone so he can find his happiness.

 

If we hadn't been so happy this wouldn't hurt me so badly, but I really was starting to think he was "the one," and he had felt the same about me. He said there's always hope, but for now we can only be friends. :( I asked him to call me later to check up on me, and he said he'd "try", because he feels we both need space right now.

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whatever you do my dear, dont call him, as much as it hurts, dont call. he needs his time to gather his thoughts; and be alone.

Same for you, any contact with him will only prolong the suffering; as the days go by you will feel better trust me, ive been there.

You need to be an independent woman, dont ask him to check up on you, show that your strong, as much as you need someone right now, be strong and this will pull together, with or without him.

Perhaps down the line something will happen, but dont wait on that. For now get things in order with you, the same as he's doing with himself. And move on.

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Originally posted by hurting so bad

are you a rebound?

 

No, I'm not. He's had a lot of hardships lately and needs "alone" time, but none of them had to do with a girl. He hasn't had a girlfriend in several months. :(

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Originally posted by Josephs For now get things in order with you, the same as he's doing with himself. And move on.

 

How do I move on knowing that he still cares about me, and knowing that the problem is more timing than anything? :( I don't want to think that I'm that easy to get over, and that he can so carelessly want to get rid of me. This hurts so bad. He has told me he still wants to be friends, and that he still has intimate, intense feelings for me.

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Originally posted by hurting so bad

yes but how many months and was the last girl long term??

 

She had nothing to do with it. His relationship with her was almost a year ago and they dated for two weeks, and he wasn't that bothered by it.

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you see, when people break up..the person doing the break up usually delivers a number of cough ups in a attempt to go easy on the other persons feelings..when being brutally honest would at least not leave them hanging on by a thread.

if he still had intense feelings for you, he wouldn't be going anywhere. He needed a way out, and used the timing thing.

Dont read in on everything people tell you during breakups, it alot of bs.

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No, he's brutally honest, actually. In the beginning he said he could have taken the coward's way out and forced me to break up with him, but he's not that type. Our relationship was, for the most part, really good. Unfortunately, he finally got away from an abusive father and just really needs time, and I was taking a lot away from him. I just wanted to be with him. :( I wasn't trying to be stifling.

 

And he's really not trying to leave me hanging on by a thread. I chose that myself. He actually said to give up for now, regardless of how we feel about each other. He said he doesn't want to discount anything, but that for now this is how things need to be.

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Does he seem to be a CP?? if you go on the lifted hearts website read the article about chasing CP's etc. I found out that i think mine is!

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Originally posted by jw32802

Does he seem to be a CP?? if you go on the lifted hearts website read the article about chasing CP's etc. I found out that i think mine is!

 

I really want to say no, because he really wants to get married and have children someday.

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Yes but they alllllllll say that in the beginning, they actually overwhelm you with it, if you read about it, thats what it says. But after a few months they try to back out. read about it, it will help!

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You know what, I had met and dated an awesome guy for a week. he was so awesome, we had SO MUCH in common it was like we were identical twins. He even though so as well.

 

Then he made up a lie and said he had to move to virginia or whatever. But, he didn't move, cuz I work with him, the bastard!

 

He just freaked out and I suppose he didn't like the things about me. I don't know, I'm over it now though, but still.

 

There are tons more nice guys out there. You just gotta know what you want and they will come. All of them just aren't a**h***s, just 3/4th's of them! :D

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Originally posted by jw32802

Yes but they alllllllll say that in the beginning, they actually overwhelm you with it, if you read about it, thats what it says. But after a few months they try to back out. read about it, it will help!

 

To be honest, I think the reason he keeps pulling away is because, for the first time in two years, he doesn't have an abusive father screaming at him and keeping him on his toes. I really think he just wants to relax and have some time to himself, which he hasn't had in a long time. He's held a long-term relationship before. She broke up with him. It's not a commitment thing for him. I mean, yes, he doesn't want a girlfriend, but not because he's scared of commitment.

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seriously i thought these things too. but go read the article on it. its called 'dream chasers" on the lifted hearts website. just read it and see if you get all the same symptoms

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Originally posted by jw32802

seriously i thought these things too. but go read the article on it. its called 'dream chasers" on the lifted hearts website. just read it and see if you get all the same symptoms

 

No, he doesn't have those symptoms at all. To be honest, I really just think that it's a matter of him needing space, because he hasn't had any time to himself in a couple of years, and then I came along and took what little time he had reclaimed back.

 

Why is it that when other people say the same thing they get advice, but when I offer my own problem, everyone suspects that he's out to get me or has a hidden agenda or is pining over someone? What advice would I get if people would just assume that I'm telling the truth? He's not that kind of guy. He's even called me twice to talk to me, because he's concerned about my feelings and is trying to be there for me. He has no reason to lie. He's had to tell me some really hard things, but at the same time he says he still has feelings for me, but that he needs to find himself and have his own time to relax.

 

So, keeping that in mind, can someone please give me some advice that pertains to my situation?

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Originally posted by Pained

 

Why is it that when other people say the same thing they get advice, but when I offer my own problem, everyone suspects that he's out to get me or has a hidden agenda or is pining over someone?

 

This is usually the case my friend, and if he needs time, then you need to respect that and give it to him. just leave it be, there's nothing you can do about this for now, as hard as it is.

 

**Joseph is the same as Josephs, just so you all know, I had a mess up with the system, and had to change my name; but its fixed now :)

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Hey Pained,

 

I know exactly how you feel. The same thing has just happened to me. My gf and I had been going out for 14 months and we seem perfect for each other. Everyone, including her, had thought that we would end up being married. I still hope for this to be true because I love her with all my heart and I miss her so much. She broke up with me last week and this has been the toughest and worst week of my life, my instinct is to run to her but she asked me for space and so I am giving that to her.

 

I think that you should do the same. Don't doubt what he told you, there may be a future for you and him but you have to realize that it isn't a certainty. What is definite is that if you go to him now he will feel pressured and that will make him with draw even more. It is going to be hard. Very hard. Take it slowly though, give him some time and then see each other as friends. You never know what may happen in the future you may end up back together or just having an amazing friendship. Pushing him now will make it hard for him to open up again. If you feel yourself wanting to get hold of him rather phone a friend or keep your mind busy with something else.

 

Take this time to do some of the things that you want to do. In a couple of weeks send him a message letting him know that you miss him and are thinking of him, but don't get to heavy. He doesn't need to feel that you are relying on him for your happiness, that is something you need to be able to give yourself. Its obvious that being with him will bring you happiness, and this is a bit of a catch 22, but if you realize that happiness doesn't fall on to a scale that can be measured then you will start to understand things a bit better.

 

I can't say this for sure because I don't him, but I'm sure you'll find that his dad had some influence on him making this decision in some way. It may be that because his dad was abusive he needs time to be out of any relationship because some how he equates relationships with pain. He'll learn that this isn't true eventually I hope, but don't forget that the parents play a huge role in how a person develops his views and ideas. This unfortunately effects everything. In my experience you'll be able to help the person more if you are friends than if you were in a relationship. The advise of the partner is often discounted because it is believed that your view is blinded by love, this may not be the truth in reality but is the perception imposed on it.

 

I believe that you love him, and if you do you will help him to find and prepare himself for a committed relationship. Be his friend and counsellor even when it hurts to do so. No-one knows what will happen in the future but this will make you a stronger, better person and will bring you happiness.

 

I hope that he realizes how much you care for him, and when the time is right I hope you can have a wonderful relationship. I know I haven't given you any definite things to do immediately, but that is because there is nothing you can do. It hurts and it's going to hurt for a long time. You are going to feel powerless for a while and so the best thing you can do is take complete control of something in your life, just choose the right thing to control. I ate my first meal in 5 days last night because I wouldn't let myself become hungry or eat, and its really really dumb of me. I'm finding myself now and you will to.

 

And if it makes you feel any better there is at least one person, me, who knows exactly what you are going through.

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Hey Pained,

 

I know what you are going through, my girlfriend of 14 months broke up with me last week. She seems to be a lot like your ex from what I've read, so I can completely empathise.

 

I know you are in a lot of pain now, and it's going to be a while before you feel the pain subsiding. But honestly the best thing you can do for yourself is to keep yourself distanced from him for a while. Don't worry, I'm sure that he isn't out to get you and you should believe what he told you, but don't rely on getting back together. It's horrible to say but it might not happen.

 

What you both need now is some time apart from each other. He's told you that he's not ready for a relationship and if you see each other anytime soon you wont be able to have a honest friendship. I don't doubt that you will be his friend and do everything in your power to make sure that he is happy and taken care of, but you will still have the very strong emotional attachment to him that you do now and it will be hard on you to maintain your own happiness. He will also need some time on his own to deal with his hurt and to grow to the point were he is ready for a committed relationship. I obviously don't know either of you, but I suspect that his father has effected his views on relationships. If he came from a home where there was a such an intense relationship was bad, it is going to take some personal realizations on his part see that it isn't true of all close relationships. It may not be a fear but a weariness of that kind of commitment that he needs to get over. He also has to come to a point in his life where he is happy with himself before he can commit himself. Trying to build yourself up when in a relationship is more difficult than when you are single because you have two people to take into consideration.

 

What you need to do now is give him his space. Don't try to draw closer to him because that will push him further away. In a little while you will be ready for a friendship, you will know when this is because you will be able to be there for him as a friend without any agenda. I believe that you love him, and as such you'll find yourself enriched if you can, as a friend, help him develop. This will make you a stronger, better person.

 

It's impossible to tell if you and he will end up in with deep relationship or a strong friendship. Just make sure it's one of those two choices, if you allow this to be anything else then you will become bitter, and that will destroy your life and become something that you will have to work through.

 

I know you miss him, and you will miss him more every day that passes. In the mean time do things that will make you happy. Take time to discover some things about yourself. The temptation to get hold of him will be enormous at times. When that happens phone a friend rather, and keep your mind occupied. You have had all control taken from you in this situation and that is debilitating. So take control of something that you can. Don't be an idiot like I am and stop eating. I wouldn't allow myself to feel hungry or eat. Last night was the first time in 5 days that I ate a meal (by forcing myself!). Yes, it helped me to be in control but not eating is self destructive. You wont be ready for any kind of relationship if you punish yourself for something that isn't your fault. Control something that will bring a positive change in your life.

 

Maybe what I have written may seem harsh, and I'm sorry if it is. I know exactly what you are going through. Everyone around us, my ex included, thought that we would end up getting married. But we just aren't ready. I hope that we get to the point were we are ready to share the rest of our lives together, and I hope the same for you. Please don't put all your hopes and effort on this though. Be good to yourself first, and be a great friend.

 

For what its worth, I hope he sees how much you care about him. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me. I'm working through the same thing myself, having people to talk to is important in dealing with the pain.

 

PS: I wrote out another reply which hasn't seemed to have been added to the thread properly, so if there are two very similar posts from me I appologise.

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RoboHobo, I just wanted to say thank you. You are so kind and so intelligent and so right. I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar boat.

 

I want to give him time. I actually called him tonight (although I tried SO hard not to call him at all), and he told me that he misses me, that he doesn't want me to give up on us, and that he wants me to email him with a list of things I need in a relationship.

 

I guess just hearing that he's interested in me still makes me more than willing to give him all the time and space he needs. Besides, I want him to be sure so he doesn't do this again.

 

I think you should follow your own excellent advice. You are extemely intelligent and articulate, and you write very well. I am so thankful for your compassion. I wish I could offer you the same comforting words you gave me. Perhaps tomorrow, after I've had more sleep. :)

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Originally posted by joseph

**Joseph is the same as Josephs, just so you all know, I had a mess up with the system, and had to change my name; but its fixed now :)

 

I also wanted to thank you. Your advice is also very good, even though I disagree slightly about what he wants. I'm starting to believe he wants me, but that he needs time to figure things out.

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Hey Pained, I'm really happy that things seem a bit better now. It's only my pleasure to give advice and support where I can. It going to be hard for a while, but I know you'll be strong and we are all going to be here for you. Be positive, you are a kind, considerate and loving person. What ever may happen in the future there will be happiness for you. There is no doubt of that.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really need them at the moment. Your support and advice is really appreciated.

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Pained-- no problem, ill do what I can to help, my advice is just coming directly from personal experience;however, you are the one going through this, and you see exactly what's going on. Just use your noggin' and dont be blind. You'll get by just fine this way. :)

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jw32802/hurting so bad - since you're the same person,

 

thank you for your concern. My boyfriend and I are getting along better than ever. I make sure to spend more time pursuing my own activities, and somehow he can't get enough of me when I give him some space. Tomorrow is our anniversary, and he's taking me out to a romantic dinner. I just wanted to say that sometimes a guy may seem like a commitmentphobe if you don't know him, but then you come to realize that he's just like all guys and doesn't want someone hanging all over him and catering to his every whim. I hope your situation has gotten better as well.

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