Totally Devastated...

[HeartInPieces]

So I never thought that I would be posting on a site like this. This is my first posting but reading other peoples stories that are so similar to mine has helped me cope and give me some sort of hope. I only wish I had found it sooner because I think I've made a lot of mistakes. I thought I could get by just reading other stories and drawing parallels between theirs and mine but I decided I want to share my specific story and see what other people have to say about it. I was reluctant at first because I didn't want the bitter truth from people who are more experienced with relationships and maybe have gone through a similar scenario. I didn't want my hope killed. But I need to face the facts head on. I keep going in circles. I keep reading into every little thing she says.

 

Anyways, here's my story:

 

Fell madly in love with this girl and we were together for over five years. I had lived with her for the past two. She was everything to me. She was my first true love. She was the most intellegent, caring, thoughtful, honest, genuine person I'd ever met. A girl I would have been proud to call my wife one day. And I was strongly considering it until the breakup happened.

 

We were the typical couple. Sure, we got into arguments and had our ups and downs but we always made up. Nothing major. Back around June is when I think things started getting rocky. She wanted to go on a "break" from each other. We would still live together but would just pretty much do our own thing and still maybe occasionaly have a date night once a week or so. To work on ourselves, as she put it. I would move into a separate room upstairs. Seems to me she was having second thoughts about being with me and she wanted to take some time to see if we could patch things up. I declined. I wanted all or nothing. After that we stopped talking as much and I was kind of bitter to her. But we were still getting along and loving each other. I thought this was just a hiccup and it would blow over like it always did. I guess this was different. In early July she called it quits. I was devestated. I cried. I'm a grown man and I cried. In front of her. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I cared about her so much. How could she do this? We talked about being together forever. I don't know if she planned it like this or it just happened to work out, but it happened on a weekend. I don't work weekends so I had a couple days to process this before heading back into work on Monday morning. I spent most of the weekend in and out of sleep and not eating much. I had never felt anything like this before. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't immediately move out of the house, as I didn't really have anywhere to go. So I was there for a few days. I don't know if I could have even left that early. I was weak and not in a good state of mind. Every time I saw her I was reduced to tears. She's was so beautiful. And I had lost her. I remember at one point she came to check on me, and I almost had a panic attack. I think I was hyperventilating. She tried to comfort me. She layed in bed with me for a while. It was so strange to me at the time that a person that no longer wanted to be with me still cared about me and wanted to comfort me. Her actions started to seem less and less strange as I got more information out of her in the following weeks. But I'm still equally confused, actually.

 

When this all went down, I went into a desperation mode. I tried anything to get her to change her mind and take me back. I begged, I pleaded, I apologized for anything I thought I did that was wrong in past. I suggested going to counseling. I would sell everything I owned. All I cared about was being with her.

 

First she wanted a break and that didn't happen so she broke up with me. No one cheated, there wasn't any particular argument or disagreement or anything that caused this. She initially had told me that we would hopefuly still see each other. Have dinner with each other every once in a while. And maybe try to love each other once again. This was very confusing to me. Either she wants to be with me or she doesn't. Why would she still want to see me? We're just friends now? The concept of "NC" was foreign to me at the time. I was determined to do everything I could to win her back. I wrote her letters telling her how much she meant to me. I sent flowers. None of it mattered and often fell on deaf ears. I think it pushed her even further away. Looking back on it, it seems really clingy and desperate. But I WAS desperate. I wasn't thinking clearly. We did get together once or twice for dinner shortly after the breakup. But it was awkward. And I think it only happened because I was coming back to pick up some of my things. All I could think of or talk about is trying to convince her to take me back. After that I never saw her again but we would text back and forth on occasion. I did most of the talking.

 

After trying over and over again to convince her, I started doing some reading online about breakups and I found this site. I decided I needed to go NC. I went a full week without contacting her. But I must admit to checking up on her on social media. I know some of you would say that breaks NC, but for me it was a compromise. I wasn't communicating with her. But knowing what I know now, even checking her stuff online is a bad idea. You really don't want to know what they are doing. Funny thing is I wasn't the one to break NC. One day out of the blue I get a short text from her saying "I hope you're doing well." What? What is that all about? Why is she thinking of me? I shouldn't have responded to it. Some of you would probably classify this as a "breadcrumb" but I bit it. I'm weak. I liked the fact that she was even thinking of me. I didn't respond right away, but when I did I didn't even answer her question. What business is it of hers how I'm doing? I'm not a part of her life anymore. If she doesn't want to be with me, she shouldn't be talking to me. It seemed to me that she only wanted to know that so she could feel good about what she did. She did the right thing because im OK and its not a big deal. That's pretty much what I told her in so many words. I thought I was saying the right thing. That's how I felt. She revealed to me that I had made her cry. She thought I hated her. I was trying to play hard ball and not be so soft on her. Trying to take the advice of some of the people on here. Don't take her breadcrumbs. I should only be responding to her if she wanted to take me back. This was my opportunity to tell her off. I totally regretted what I told her when I found out that I had hurt her. She really just hoped I was ok. I talked to her a few nights ago. She called me in the middle of the night after texting me that she really missed me but we cant be together. She was sad because she had some exciting work related news and no one to share it with. She was lonely. So confusing to me. I guess she misses me.. the company of me, and everything else. But she's just not in love with me anymore. We talked for a while on the phone and we were going to get together soon. To do what, I don't know. I really want to see her but I know it probably wont end well. I do not know if that's even going to happen now as she revelead something during our conversation. Almost randomly it seemed like she asked me "Have you been with anyone since we broke up?" I answered completely honestly, "No, I have not." I don't want to be with anyone else. We've only been broken up for two months. I can't think about anyone else. Then I asked her the same question. Totally not prepared for the answer because I thought the answer would be no. She told me that she had been. Holy ****. Hit me worse than the breakup. This was salt in my wound. This is why you stay NC. After that I couldn't get back to sleep. I couldn't shake the thought of her with someone else. When I got up for work I couldn't eat. My entire body felt sick. This had killed even more of my hope of ever being with her again. She had already moved on to someone new.

 

So that's my story. I'm really confused. She calls me in the middle of the night saying she misses me, but she's already been with someone else. What should I make of this? Is she only reaching out to me when she is lonely and is just feeding me breadcrumbs? Is this GIGS? is she just keeping me on the backburner?

 

Sorry if that's so long but I just wanted to get all the details out there from the get-go.

 

Thank you for reading.

[denxnis]

Here is your solution. Ignore her 100%, you can never fix things between the two of you after she slept with another guy.

 

Next, hit the gym and hit it hard; I recommend every other day. Third finish school if you haven't. Fourth do what you can do to advance your career.

 

It took me nearly a year but since my ex of 5 years did exactly what yours did I've become such a better man from the breakup.

 

You have to tell yourself that you don't need a relationship right now., what are you 24ish? What you need to do is step up your game and work your ass off so that in a year, or maybe less, you'll have someone way more compassionate and someone that is currently out of your league. That doesn't sound too appealing does it? Why? Because it takes hard work and who wants to do hard work when they can try and beg their ex to come back so you can be in a comfortable "comfortable" life. Don't fall for that trap man, this is life telling you that you can do better and it's time to get out of your comfort zone. Success only comes before work in the dictionary my man.

 

Hit me up anytime brother, I went through the same Exact ****.

[HeartInPieces]

The truth is I still really love her. I would still take her back if she wanted to come back. I would forgive her. I love her enough to at least try. That's how I feel right now. As far as hitting the gym, I don't know where you guys find the motivation for that especially so soon after a breakup. I don't feel like doing much of anything. Right now sleep is my friend. It's my way of coping because I can just shut everything off. Then I wake up and remember it all and think "damn I'm still alive."

[hurts2death]

feel the pain ... thats life,,,, or die to avoid it

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Best advice I can give you. Short and Sweet:

 

Dont talk to her, block ALL social media sites, delete her number, text, photos, whatever. Whatever she is throwing you is all in the sake of her. She feels guilty and all if it is guilt nothing more. Talking to you, making sure youre okay, etc...she still CARES about you to a point, but not enough to be with you. Very common so DONT give her the satisfaction of that.

[HeartInPieces]

That's the advice I was afraid to hear... But its going to take some real strength on my end to not respond to her. I guess I have low self esteem because I'm taking this rejection really hard and I get way too excited from the simplest text from her.

 

I agree she probably does feel guilty and still cares about me... But why would she text me in the middle of the night and say ahe wanted to see me?

 

She basically said I miss you and want to see you but she made it clear that it doesn't mean we are back together. Just confused as to why she wants to see me.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

That's the advice I was afraid to hear... But its going to take some real strength on my end to not respond to her. I guess I have low self esteem because I'm taking this rejection really hard and I get way too excited from the simplest text from her.

 

I agree she probably does feel guilty and still cares about me... But why would she text me in the middle of the night and say ahe wanted to see me?

 

She basically said I miss you and want to see you but she made it clear that it doesn't mean we are back together. Just confused as to why she wants to see me.

 

Yeah the truth is usually hard to take and usually not the answer you want to hear. I know I didnt when I first signed up for this site. I fought people tooth and nail and sometimes did many things they said not to do because I was determined to be right. Sadly, they were right.

 

She text you in the middle of the night because that is when she is the loneliest. You guys have been a couple for a long time so habits are hard to break. I heard EVERYTHING from my ex and I JUST NOW (after a year) got the full truth on what actually happened. You dont want to know the real reasons, you just need to move on.

 

I understand where you are coming from BELIEVE me. No reason to feel ashamed or bad because you are feeling rejected currently. The pride is what hurts the most. Just keep moving forward and realize that this will take some time and work, but you WILL get over it.

[No_closure]

I am sorry this has happened to you. The part that really killed me was when you found out she was intimate with someone else. The thought of that is soul crushing and like a spear through your heart and stomach. I am just so, so sorry I honestly feel your pain.

 

I don't have 100% proof of my husband, who left me, being with another girl. However, there were certain signs and so all I can think about is him with her intimate and just being so happy. When me and him were just intimate a week before he left.

 

We were each others firsts. And I think that's the part that kills me is me never experiencing heartache or breakups until this (I am 23, late bloomer). All that goes through my mind is him with her and I want to kill myself over it and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about it.

 

And his family hates me and so I think abut how much they love his new girlfriend (if my speculations were true) and god it kills me. I am so dead inside.

 

 

So I really, really feel your pain. Why do people do ths to us? Life is so short for this uneccessary heart ache. But they don't see it like that. They are selfish cowards.

[HeartInPieces]

No_closure,

 

Wow.. I feel pretty much the same. I was a late bloomer as well. I started this relationship at about 26. And I can't get that thought out of my head. Of her with another man. I want to die. But I can't do that, so I sleep.

 

I would place my life on it that she was 100% faithful while we were together. It just shocked me how quickly she did this. While here I am in agony still wanting her back, my heart still belongs to her so it feels like she cheated on me. I still can't even look at another girl without feeling guilty. I know, we aren't together anymore so she can do whatever she wants. But the technicalities of it doesn't ease the pain. I guess its not that hard to move on like that if you don't love someone. And what I'm starting to realize is that as upset with her as I am, I can't really fault her for this. She can't force herself to love me. She had to do the honest thing and let me go. How can I fault her for being honest? If there's another way to look at this I'm all ears. But this perspective is helping me. All I can do is hold on to a sliver of hope that she will have a change of heart. Right now that's where I'm at. I know I need to move on but I'm stuck.

 

Thank you for the replies.

[NoLeafClover]

The truth is I still really love her. I would still take her back if she wanted to come back. "

 

Your are going thru a breakup and you are blind and not seeing the full picture of what is going on here.

 

You are blind in the sense that eventhough you know she has someone else, you are refusing to believe that you have been replaced.

 

The thing is, even if you two got back together and things end up getting back to normal, the fact that she replaced you just like that is going to bother you for the rest of your life if you're still dating her. The fear that she could walk out on you and be replaced again will always come down haunting you.

 

It is still too early for you to make any rational decisions. Give it a couple more months and do not talk to her or reply to her if she contacts you. If you read some stories on here, you will see how right after the BU people act exactly as you are.

Then after some time goes by, reality hits and the only thing they miss is the idea of the ex being around but they wouldn't go back to them.

 

If you would of ignored her when she first contacted you, you would of been way ahead of the coping process. By breaking NC you ended up going back to day one when she first broke up with you.

 

You need to start being more selfish. She should be the last thing to cross your mind. Forget what she is doing or who she is doing. Your motivation to start doing something fun will come sooner or later. If you find sleep as an escape route to release pain then sleep as much as you can but don't forget we are only getting older and each day and night that you miss by sleeping in is another chance you could of been with someone new.

[HeartInPieces]

The last time I talked to her I asked her to consider still meeting with me. She should have contacted me today to let me know... Today is not over bit I'm really really tmpted to contact her. Everything about NC makes sense and seems logical and I consider myself a logical person. But love isn't logical and I feel like I'm going to make the wrong choice.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she's just trying to ease her own guilt. Why else would she ASK you if you've been with anyone else? Because she was hoping beyond hope that you were with someone. SO, she didn't have to feel guilty about screwing some other dude within a mere 60 days of the break up.

 

I mean, think about it. What girl wants to know if the guy she's invested time and emotions into was sleeping with some other girl? NONE!

 

She's just feeling guilty.

[NoLeafClover]

The last time I talked to her I asked her to consider still meeting with me. She should have contacted me today to let me know... Today is not over bit I'm really really tmpted to contact her. Everything about NC makes sense and seems logical and I consider myself a logical person. But love isn't logical and I feel like I'm going to make the wrong choice.

I was with my ex for 7 years. We saw each other and talked everyday...EVERYDAY. Never missed one day of not talking ever.

 

We broke up almost two months ago. I have been NC since the first day we broke up.

 

With that said...If I can do it , you can too.

 

Don't contact her cause you know you're going to feel like sh*t afterwards.

[HeartInPieces]

Dude, she's just trying to ease her own guilt. Why else would she ASK you if you've been with anyone else? Because she was hoping beyond hope that you were with someone. SO, she didn't have to feel guilty about screwing some other dude within a mere 60 days of the break up.

 

I mean, think about it. What girl wants to know if the guy she's invested time and emotions into was sleeping with some other girl? NONE!

 

She's just feeling guilty.

 

I agree and this is where I read into every ****ing thing she says... I said "oh great so now you're already ****ing someone else..." and she, for whatever reason, wanted me to understand that it was only a one time thing. She's not "seeing" someone new. It was a hookup.

[HeartInPieces]

I was with my ex for 7 years. We saw each other and talked everyday...EVERYDAY. Never missed one day of not talking ever.

 

We broke up almost two months ago. I have been NC since the first day we broke up.

 

With that said...If I can do it , you can too.

 

Don't contact her cause you know you're going to feel like sh*t afterwards.

 

May I ask who broke it off and for what reason? First breakup or ?

[Chi townD]

I agree and this is where I read into every ****ing thing she says... I said "oh great so now you're already ****ing someone else..." and she, for whatever reason, wanted me to understand that it was only a one time thing. She's not "seeing" someone new. It was a hookup.

 

And this is supposed to make you feel better? This bitch is bat sh*t crazy!

[No_closure]

I was with my ex for 7 years. We saw each other and talked everyday...EVERYDAY. Never missed one day of not talking ever.

 

We broke up almost two months ago. I have been NC since the first day we broke up.

 

With that said...If I can do it , you can too.

 

Don't contact her cause you know you're going to feel like sh*t afterwards.

 

This is pretty much me. Never went one day for 3 years straight without seeing each other then BOOM he leaves just like that. I have been on NC for 1 week now and feel strong but weak in the fact I want him to contact me... I Am so lame

[No_closure]

No_closure,

 

Wow.. I feel pretty much the same. I was a late bloomer as well. I started this relationship at about 26. And I can't get that thought out of my head. Of her with another man. I want to die. But I can't do that, so I sleep.

 

I would place my life on it that she was 100% faithful while we were together. It just shocked me how quickly she did this. While here I am in agony still wanting her back, my heart still belongs to her so it feels like she cheated on me. I still can't even look at another girl without feeling guilty. I know, we aren't together anymore so she can do whatever she wants. But the technicalities of it doesn't ease the pain. I guess its not that hard to move on like that if you don't love someone. And what I'm starting to realize is that as upset with her as I am, I can't really fault her for this. She can't force herself to love me. She had to do the honest thing and let me go. How can I fault her for being honest? If there's another way to look at this I'm all ears. But this perspective is helping me. All I can do is hold on to a sliver of hope that she will have a change of heart. Right now that's where I'm at. I know I need to move on but I'm stuck.

 

Thank you for the replies.

 

God that's what kills me is that it's so easy for them to move on because they have someone else. And I know what you mean about still having that hope that they change their heart. I hate myself for it because it is such wishful thinking. And it causes more pain.

 

I am glad you are able to sleep though. I am too hysterical and stressed to sleep or eat. But he has no problem, he is just fine and dandy. Dropped me like a fly and in a text message. I am his wife and he had no balls to say it's over to my face. Instead, he LIED said he loved me everything was ok that he will be back. 2 hours later its over. And he doesn't see it as wrong. I hate him so much.....and I hate myself because of the "shoulda, coulda, woulda"....

 

And now I'm the one who needs therapy and how to cope. But no, not him. Me and him had been through WAY worse situations and always pulled through. Then, over this tiny obstacle, it's over. And all I can think of is another girl. My whole marriage was a fake and it kills me because it was still premature and growing. Everyone always told me he wold be the one lost without me. Wow, they were wrong.

 

But god I feel your pain and it makes me breakdown even more hearing your story and everyone else's heart breaks. I pray that someone SOON comes into our lives and we just know everything will be ok with them. And that they will TRULY love us no matter what...

[HeartInPieces]

And this is supposed to make you feel better? This bitch is bat sh*t crazy!

 

I don't know. Maybe its her way of not cutting me completely off. She knows ill keep nagging her because there isn't a replacement. It was just a one time deal. Ugh. Don't know why I'm trying to even rationalize this. There's that sliver of hope I mentioned earlier, I guess.

[todreaminblue]

when my ex decided he wanted a new life.....without me and the kids......once he said those words that was it......there is no goign back...no lets break up adn see how we feel ....what is that...it was done ....and i moved away when i was strong enough to...because i knew if a stayed it would be me who would be the back burner girl...he would come back...i cant live that life....or let my girls see me being used and taken advantage of.

 

 

so i blocked all contact for six months.....havent sighted him since.....we are friends well phone friends due to the girls.....he does care for me i know that he cares deeply i have his children..he has told me numerous times he messed up and i forgave him...

 

 

i dont go backwards...because those past hurts will resurface and sow doubt and any relationship we would have is destined for failure........i dont want to be someone on the side...i am not a salad.....and i am way too deserving of love because i give it back in spades....to be treated as a **** buddy........and even if he had no one...to him i was the girl he had till something better wandered past.......so its a no for me and

 

 

for you ...i would seriously think about a clean cut delete delete delete...going backwards gets you no place fast...and that place is where you need to be with nikes on double knotted fleet of foot right now...i wish you much luck......best wishes...deb

[Chi townD]

I don't know. Maybe its her way of not cutting me completely off. She knows ill keep nagging her because there isn't a replacement. It was just a one time deal. Ugh. Don't know why I'm trying to even rationalize this. There's that sliver of hope I mentioned earlier, I guess.

 

 

Okay, let me put it to you this way. She hooked up with a guy within 60 days of breaking up with you. You have a crude timeline now. But you don't know WHEN it happened. It could have been a week or even two weeks after dumping you. If this is the case, She didn't mourn the loss of you; she didn't even mourn the loss of the relationship before she let another man inside her. Is that what you meant to her?

 

Or maybe she broke up with you to get with this guy. And now that she's got her fix, now she wants to come back. But, how is that being fair to you? Knowing that anytime she has an itch to scratch, she can just toss you to the side while she plays the field, but she's not worried because she knows she's got you waiting on the sidelines. So again, how is that fair?

[hurts2death]

deb i like the way you give opinions and talk very much.

john

when my ex decided he wanted a new life.....without me and the kids......once he said those words that was it......there is no goign back...no lets break up adn see how we feel ....what is that...it was done ....and i moved away when i was strong enough to...because i knew if a stayed it would be me who would be the back burner girl...he would come back...i cant live that life....or let my girls see me being used and taken advantage of.

 

 

so i blocked all contact for six months.....havent sighted him since.....we are friends well phone friends due to the girls.....he does care for me i know that he cares deeply i have his children..he has told me numerous times he messed up and i forgave him...

 

 

i dont go backwards...because those past hurts will resurface and sow doubt and any relationship we would have is destined for failure........i dont want to be someone on the side...i am not a salad.....and i am way too deserving of love because i give it back in spades....to be treated as a **** buddy........and even if he had no one...to him i was the girl he had till something better wandered past.......so its a no for me and

 

 

for you ...i would seriously think about a clean cut delete delete delete...going backwards gets you no place fast...and that place is where you need to be with nikes on double knotted fleet of foot right now...i wish you much luck......best wishes...deb

[HeartInPieces]

Okay, let me put it to you this way. She hooked up with a guy within 60 days of breaking up with you. You have a crude timeline now. But you don't know WHEN it happened. It could have been a week or even two weeks after dumping you. If this is the case, She didn't mourn the loss of you; she didn't even mourn the loss of the relationship before she let another man inside her. Is that what you meant to her?

 

Or maybe she broke up with you to get with this guy. And now that she's got her fix, now she wants to come back. But, how is that being fair to you? Knowing that anytime she has an itch to scratch, she can just toss you to the side while she plays the field, but she's not worried because she knows she's got you waiting on the sidelines. So again, how is that fair?

 

It's not fair. But I do not think it was that soon after the breakup. We have been talking off and on since the breakup and at one point I think I got angry and accused her of ****ing someone else... to which she replied that she was not. She stated that if there was someone else, she would tell me. I guess she thinks that would help me move on? And I really do believe her. In fact, that's exactly what she did the other night. She was brutally honest. She said maybe this is what I needed to hear. I don't know when it happened, but I do think it was fairly recently. We are both very sexual people, and always very good care of each other in that regard. No one ever had to cheat or anything. We had an amazing sex life... I would bet that this was just meaningless sex, filling a void. ****, there's no way to rationalize this and come out ahead. :sick::sick:

[HeartInPieces]

Oh my god what is wrong with me... I don't believe any of you to not play with the fire until I get burned for myself. We are still texting back and forth every day. And I'm not always the one to initiate it. She text me yesterday morning asking if I've seen some new show that she knew I'd like. Why??? So we text back and forth all day here and there. Just idle chit chat. I don't mention the relationship. I want to keep some sort of line of communication open. I don't want her to think I've lost interest. It makes me feel better than NC. I'm probably only delaying the inevitable though. The reason I say I got burned is because I asked one night if she was still at work? "Just got home" ok so I asked her about something else. No reply for over two hours. I finally said are you ok? It's not like you to just disappear like that. She responds by saying she had a friend over and didn't want to be rude. ****. My mind was heading in this direction already. She's not responding because she's probably getting ****ed by this new guy. Didn't want to be rude? bull****! She never had a problem going on her phone when I was around! Ugh... I don't know for sure just speculating but I'm so ****ing jealous right now. Help me go NC please!!! Even this wasn't enough!!!

[Chi townD]

Okay, you need to think logically. She has no problem texting you or talking to you when it's on HER time. But, the moment she's "entertaining" someone, she tosses you in the gutter. You have to see that you are no longer a priority in her life.

 

You stated that the guy she screwed is someone filling a void in her life. And you would be right, but about the WRONG person. YOU are filling the void in her life. YOU are keeping her entertained until her company comes over. Then, you're forgotten again.

 

The next time she texts, IGNORE IT!! Post here instead. Block her from Facebook and do this NOW!