Temporarily stop or stop forever

[JG87]

My life has gone through a complete whirlwind in the last 6 months. I never thought any of what you’re about to read would happen to me. I live a boring, regimented life and have a good job. I try to be a good person. I wake up every day thinking this is a dream.

 

My girlfriend moved from the East because she cheated on her fiance. That relationship sounded terrible, and I know a lot of what she's told me about him is true. She didn't tell me about this for a really long time. She didn't even tell me that she was engaged - even though I already knew. I didn't really care and was ready to just go forward.

 

One drunk night, that blew up and I told her I didn't care. I asked her then, and the next day, if cheating caused the engagement to fall apart, to which she said it didn't. That was a lie that she later fessed up to only because I didn't believe it and kept questioning. OK, so at that point, I thought I knew the story, and after a day or two, I just accepted it.

 

Since then, this topic had been broached at random times, her always telling me the same story, mentioning the same stuff, never was a very big deal at all. Months later, last week, she confessed to me that the story wasn't 100% true. She didn't cheat with a co-worker my age, she cheated with her married 36-year-old boss. She had actually left the company a few months earlier, and blah blah, a while later they started going on drink dates. Eventually one night he got a hotel and that's when it happened. So she kept that from me as well.

 

Her fiance found out by going through her phone. When he found out, he raped her. He threatened to tell the wife, but didn't, but did tell the big guy at the firm. So the married guy was forced to resign. My gf, in her brilliance, thought this guy was going to leave his wife and date her, which of course didn't happen. Once she knew she was moving home, she told him, thinking, again, moronically, that he would help her move back. He just said he had to lay low, that the fiance had contacted him, and that they couldn't talk anymore. So then she moved back here.

 

At every step of this, I get angrier. She also refused to tell me who the guy was, which I found out on my own in about a day. Which also led to another lie, when I asked her if they had children, she said no, which is a lie. They have an infant, who would have been about 6 months old while this was going on. The wife was never told about any of this, which also infuriates me. Maybe that's not logical, but it does.

 

At this point, I really can't stand looking at her face. At three separate times and major blow ups, I thought I had full disclosure, only for her to come back later and change things, after lying to my face about it repeatedly. I can't really get across in an email how that makes me feel, or convey how often she did it and her demeanor when she did. Lying to me is disturbingly comfortable.

 

I don't know what to do. Here is where the story gets worse.

 

You say I should leave her crazy ass, right? Well, she is 4 months pregnant with my son. It wasn’t planned. It happened early on despite her being on birth control. I love him already. I am beyond angry we mutually made the decision to keep a child and she did not tell me the whole story.

 

She cries now when I bring this up, and talks about getting on with her life, but I don't know that I can get past it. Not just the lying, but the fact that she did that stuff, irritates me to the core. I never wanted to be with someone like that. I feel trapped into it. The relationship aside from that is close to perfect, which makes it all the more exhausting for me. This is a source of anger for me every 24-48 hours.

 

And of course, I know everything finally (maybe) after moving in with her. And there's the whole pregnancy thing, which obviously makes this 1000 times worse. I love the baby already, but I would be far beyond my limit with her if it wasn't in the picture. I don't want a child raised in two homes, but I have built up so much resentment for her at this point that I don't know what to do. I want it to work but don't know if it can. I don't know if I should ask her to leave. She could go home, but I have nowhere to go but my apartment.

 

Thank you if you made it this far.

[Philosoraptor]

Well there were certainly a lot of lies going on to say the least. Do you believe you can ever trust her again? If not, then there is no reason to stay as you will never be happy or secure. If you believe you could trust her, you need to figure out exactly what she would need to do to gain your trust back, lay it out to her, and let her try to gain your trust back.

 

You happiness is important here as well, and your child would be better off with a happy parent than seeing miserable parents together. You need to figure out what you want and if you believe obtaining that is possible. Figure out what you want before you take any action here.

[GorillaTheater]

Sorry, man. You've been dealt a truly lousy hand and, for whatever it may be worth, you have my sympathy.

 

You have to pick which battle you want to fight (or at least the battle you'll hate least):

 

1) Stay with and maybe marry a woman who has little compunction about lying to you repeatedly, who has shown a huge lapse in moral judgment (and there may well be more you don't know about), and who you'll likely harbor considerable resentment towards for a very, very long time, for the sake of giving your child one home. Although the climate in that home isn't likely to be very good.

 

2) Split, and go through the heartache of child custody arrangements and support, but be able to go on with your life, eventually with a woman who merits your love and life.

 

This is an advice forum, so here's my advice: go with option #2. It will be painful at first, but not the never-ending kind of painful that option #1 will bring, even presuming the relationship continues long-term which, with all the baggage, is highly unlikely (throwing you back to option #2 anyways, with probably even more chaos with property division, etc.).

 

You made a bad choice in a mate. Almost all of us do, at one point or another, and there's no point in all three of you being tortured indefinitely for that choice. Chalk it off and move on.

[Cali408]

I agree with option 2. However, here's what I would do. You said that the relationship is perfect other than the lying.

 

Sit her down, tell her that she is to tell you EVERYTHING right then and there. You will forgive EVERYTHING.

 

Tell her if she lies or you catch her in a lie it's over, period end of discussion.

 

A real short leash is in order here, but if you want her, give her the chance.

[JG87]

I agree with option 2. However, here's what I would do. You said that the relationship is perfect other than the lying.

 

Sit her down, tell her that she is to tell you EVERYTHING right then and there. You will forgive EVERYTHING.

 

Tell her if she lies or you catch her in a lie it's over, period end of discussion.

 

A real short leash is in order here, but if you want her, give her the chance.

 

That's what I would like to do, but I don't feel I'm in a position to promise forgiveness, because I don't know if I will get over it.

[Cali408]

Then you don't love her and should do option 2. It's very simple.

 

No forgiveness = Move on

 

Think of it this way, you say other than the lies, your relationship is perfect. If you can forgive her, and then she can show that you can trust her, you have a good situation with the baby. If not, you won't see your baby every day, be paying more, and probably have an acrimonious relationship with your soon to be ex girlfriend.

 

To forgive is divine. I would say stop being hard headed and try. If not, move on.

 

Forgiveness isn't something that happens instantly. It's a 2 way street. She has to show that she is worthy of it through her actions. You have to accept that it will never be worse than right now. So over time, she'll build capital in trust with you. IT won't happen right away.

Edited September 11, 2013 by Cali408