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on break ups, letting go, getting closure versus taking closure ...


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I've just ended an 8 months relationship. It's been the first - and longest relationship I've had in the last almost three years. It was not always bad. My ex is a sensitive, sophisticated guy, but also insecure. Self centered. Also warm. Fantastic lover. Very smart. And let's not forget, extremely good talker.

 

How am I? Energetic, fun. Emotional. A bit vulnerable. Feisty. Courageous. Big ego. Terrible in arguments, especially when I feel exposed. The last 2 months were especially rocky and we've broken up two times. Two times he persuaded me to come back.

 

I won't give you the details on what he did wrong or what I did wrong. He did something that pissed me off terribly - which also showed that there is no "us" inside his head and acted as a cold shower over me. Over my hopes for the future. Over his promises that he never kept - but which I still had faith in.

 

So how did I get out of that situation?

 

Step 1: No contact fully.

 

Yes, I went no contact. I bit my lips, nails and fingers every time I felt like calling him - because I had soooo much anger and hurt inside.

 

I did a lot of work on myself, taking the time to breathe. Disrupting my routine, going out and doing the activities I liked (and didn't do in a long time), changing the people I used to see and keeping close exclusively people that were good for me. Soothing. Being good to myself.

Step 2: putting myself first

 

Little by little, I started to let go of that anger. Oh, don't get me wrong, I lost 4 pounds in one week, the first week of NC. Hitting the gym, healthy eating (more like no eating) and sleeping poorly. Starting all over again the day after that.

 

I started to read some good books and one of them was talking about forgiveness as the only true key of letting go (of the hurt and pain, but also of the hope for better days, or reconciliation). I tried really really hard to practice that and realized that his last action - deciding to go unexpectedly to the US, by himself, despite his promising me to spend holidays together - had nothing to do with me (were not directed against me), but had everything to do with him. It was how he really was.

 

Step three: he breaks NC (and I had allowed it)

 

Then, after two - three weeks of full NC, he contacted me.

 

Having broken up with him twice already, I knew first hand that ducking his calls and not answering his texts would only encourage him to contact me more often.

 

I stood my ground, I defended my territory and every time he would initiate contact, I would say: "no. I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you", instead of hiding for cover.

 

Step four: the set back

 

I would lie if I told you that confronting him and saying NO to his face did not cost me. It did. It was a clear set back. Because there were things left unsaid. My anger started to come back. All those things that I'd never expressed, the pain, the hurt... I did go back to feeling trapped inside my own head, for a while.

 

But... I'd persisted in doing myself good, in seeing and talking to fantastic friends, in going to see shows I loved - contemporary dance, lazy drinks outside... don't get me wrong, inside it was still a turmoil, but I was acting as my own doctor.

 

It's just that... you cannot run from yourself :).

 

Step five: doing what's right FOR YOU

 

One day, I was waiting in my favorite coffee shop for my good friend, and she's late. I go outside and I see her talking to my ex. I go back inside (I was firmly set in the : "I don't want any contact with you") and wait for my friend. Apparently, my ex was venting to my friend, expressing his never ending love for me, his feelings of sorrow and regret, his "it's all a big misunderstanding"

 

and ... something happened. I decided to speak to him. I texted him and to be honest, I wanted to speak to him asap. He chickened out and asked to see me for dinner. I said yes to after dinner drinks.

 

Now, you must all be thinking: what the hell do you want to be talking to him about? Facts speak stronger than words, she can do the math by herself, at home. She does not need to see him or talk to him.

 

Dear Loveshackers, I was sooooo fed up, I was sooo revolted - not angry, it was just... sooo unfair, that I had to speak up. In that book of mine, the author was talking about forgiveness. I had forgiven him. But it also talks about non-violent resistance. About not standing for abuse, about making a stand in a non-agressive way. Forgiving yes. Forgetting, giving in - NO.

 

Now... I was very lucky for two reasons:

A. Past experience - my ex had managed to make me change my mind, when we had talked, those two last times. So, to him, talking to me was a good was of persuading me to get back together. It had happened two times before. He had reason to believe it would happen a third time. So he had no idea of what it was about to happen, therefore agreed to see me

 

B. His persuasion skills - he is one of the best talkers I've ever met. Ever. It's his best competency and it's what also makes his so good at his job. So he was not afraid to talk to me, to begin with

 

 

And finally : CLOSURE

 

So we were supposed to meet. When i decided to talk to him, I had no idea what I wanted to say to him, how and... what for. All I knew was I could not afford to be all worked up, mad, acting like a crazy woman and shouting out all my hurt, frustration, disappointment. So.... I went for a 30 minutes jog, to just... clear my head and just... let the answer to that question come to me. I've realized that holding all those hard feelings inside is not healthy. I did spend 8 months with my bf, there were feelings of love and affection between us, he did deserve an firm, maybe tough, but honest feedback from me.

 

It is irrelevant what I told him and how long it took me. One thing is for sure: I've expressed it all. I did not make accusations, but asked questions. How do you make a man who's so set in his ways, see the wrongs he was doing to himself and to those around him? How do you make a man become aware of the damages of his selfish ways?

 

It's very sad, because I know that he had feelings for me. More and more, towards the end of our relationship, when I was drifting further and further away.

 

In the end, I don't know if I had talked to the walls or if anything of what I had to say reached him. If he understood anything. But I can tell you that: it felt good, it felt GREAT ! Liberating. Extraordinary. Relieving. Maybe because it was not made out of spite, with venom, with mean-ness or anger. I just... let it all out. Nicely. Calmly. With consideration. Sometimes a bit harsh. Sometimes a bit soothing. With me talking and him listening. With him talking and me asking questions. Trying me make him open up. Testing if he was able of any empathy...

 

Of course, towards the end of the evening, he tried his favorite trick, the coming back one, playing the "if there were any feelings, you would not leave now" card. Or the blame game "if there were any feelings, it would not be this easy for you to leave me now"... indeed... maybe because I had left some time ago. And now I am simply closing the door behind me.

 

And now...

 

I'll tell you, it's not always easy. It feels strange now, because I feel a bit lonely. Without my anger. Without my source of disappointment, but also of hope by my side. By myself. It's how it's supposed to me.

 

It was not a terrible or horrible relationship. In the end, the was I am getting out from it is stronger, with a much better knowledge of myself, of what I am seeking, of what I am willing to take from a man. And most importantly, for the first time in a long long time, self sufficient.

Edited by candie13
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unexpectedlyhere

I can't claim to have understood all the ins and outs of it and why you talked to him, but WELL DONE for getting back to feeling good :)

 

What's the book you keep mentioning? It sounds like a read I'm in dire need of :)

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The point of my thread is to say: having the guts to get closure by yourself, telling your previous SO everything you have on your heart - letting it out, saying those words, letting your heartache go from inside to your lips... it's a liberating experience.

 

Many people here think going immediately NC is best. For sure. But it's useless if you keep looking back and if you hold on inside all the hurt you're feeling. It takes a lot longer if you do not make your point.

 

I know I was lucky to have had the opportunity to say to my ex how he made me feel. For him to have allowed me to finally SPEAK OUT. Share my sadness, my regrets, my disappointment with the man who was the most important in my life, for a while, and become free of those dark feelings. I don't even care if my messages reached him or not. I know he was doing this because he was hoping for a come back.

 

I was not doing that aiming to hurt him or to be mean to him. I was telling him how he hurt me, how he did me wrong, to become a better person, a better boyfriend, next time. He was convinced he had been a good partner...

 

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. It just felt great to let it all out. And move on.

 

I'm not saying confrontation is the key to success, but it is an accelerator on the way of getting better. It's one of those secret ingredients.

 

The book I was reading was written by a French psychiatrist, called Christophe André, called "Imparfaits, libres et heureux" (Imperfect, free and happy"). It's not specifically about forgiveness and letting go, also it does touch those subjects freely. It did me a lot of good to have it under my eyes.

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