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Ran into my ex at a bar 8 months later. Interesting story


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 25th August 2013, 5:55 AM   #1
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Ran into my ex at a bar 8 months later. Interesting story

I ran into my ex who cheated on me and left me for another guy. She is still with the guy as far as I know. This all happened back in January of this year, and it f*cked me up pretty bad. Last night I ran into her at a bar when I was with a friend. She saw me and immediately ran up and hugged me. She complemented me on how "cute" I looked and then said she wasn't with the guy she cheated on me with that night. She then repeated that like 3 times and so I told her that no one had said anything about him up so she could stop saying that. I just tried to ignore her and walked on in the bar to have some drinks. Inside the bar she kept coming up to me and touching me, and being very friendly and flirty. She even tried to get me to let her have a sip of my beer. I politely asked her to leave me alone, and went back to the bar for anther drink. When I left she pulled one of my friends aside and told him how much she missed me. He got pretty rude and she started tearing up. When I walked back down she then pulled me aside and told me she still loved me. I didn't know what to say so I just blankly stared at her and didn't respond. She then walked off crying. Another guy she was with then came up to and told me that all she did was talk about me and how she missed me, and that I should go talk to her. I was like "dude I am not going to go talk to her after what she did to me. I have nothing left to say. I wish her the best and you can tell her that, but I don't want to discuss this anymore." I then left the bar, and went home.

Anyway I thought I would share that interesting story. I would also be lying if I said it didn't mess with my emotions a little bit. This was the first time I have seen her since about March and she looked very pretty. This is just one night I should have stayed in. I thought I was over her, but seeing her made feelings come flodding back. Hopefully this passes soon.

So after all that I guess that I did end up winning in the end. Im not saying get your hopes up about exes regretting but in my case it has happened.
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Last edited by westjames111; 25th August 2013 at 6:00 AM..
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Old 25th August 2013, 6:03 AM   #2
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wow. you are the man.

and she never bothered to contact you in all these months? If she was in love i would have thought she would make more effort.
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Old 25th August 2013, 6:15 AM   #3
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I think you handled that situation very well given the circumstances. Good for you.
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Old 25th August 2013, 8:31 AM   #4
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Wow yea you handled that great. She probably does miss you but there was also alcohol involved and it's good you didnt' fall for her **** that she'd probably take back the next day. Ugh a cheater crying and saying they love you and miss you even though they have a new SO.....typical.
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Old 25th August 2013, 8:42 AM   #5
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You handled that amazingly well: you kept your composure and were a class act! Good for you.

It's normal that some feelings are going to come back. With time, they'll settle and you'll feel better.

She sounds like an unstable-type of person who doesn't know herself or want she wants out of life, and thus is easily swayed by external validation (thus, the cheating.) Ultimately, her behaviour is not reflective of your worth. You know that though. Good for you for moving-on!
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Old 25th August 2013, 9:33 AM   #6
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A lot of people would have given in to their ex. I guess this means you are pretty much over her?

If you treated your ex how they deserved to be treated at the time, I think eventually they realise what they had and now missed. There are a lot of jerks out there, both men and women and there's a good chance they will experience a jerk in their life. If you did your best and treated them well it will be hard for other guys/girls to live up to what you did, but eventually they will realise what they once had.
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Old 25th August 2013, 10:58 AM   #7
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Good for you, not to give in to what to many dumpees is the ultimate fantasy - the dumper crying and fawning to win you back. This encounter was just the epilogue.
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Old 25th August 2013, 11:00 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by westjames111 View Post
I ran into my ex who cheated on me and left me for another guy. She is still with the guy as far as I know. This all happened back in January of this year, and it f*cked me up pretty bad. Last night I ran into her at a bar when I was with a friend. She saw me and immediately ran up and hugged me. She complemented me on how "cute" I looked and then said she wasn't with the guy she cheated on me with that night. She then repeated that like 3 times and so I told her that no one had said anything about him up so she could stop saying that. I just tried to ignore her and walked on in the bar to have some drinks. Inside the bar she kept coming up to me and touching me, and being very friendly and flirty. She even tried to get me to let her have a sip of my beer. I politely asked her to leave me alone, and went back to the bar for anther drink. When I left she pulled one of my friends aside and told him how much she missed me. He got pretty rude and she started tearing up. When I walked back down she then pulled me aside and told me she still loved me. I didn't know what to say so I just blankly stared at her and didn't respond. She then walked off crying. Another guy she was with then came up to and told me that all she did was talk about me and how she missed me, and that I should go talk to her. I was like "dude I am not going to go talk to her after what she did to me. I have nothing left to say. I wish her the best and you can tell her that, but I don't want to discuss this anymore." I then left the bar, and went home.

Anyway I thought I would share that interesting story. I would also be lying if I said it didn't mess with my emotions a little bit. This was the first time I have seen her since about March and she looked very pretty. This is just one night I should have stayed in. I thought I was over her, but seeing her made feelings come flodding back. Hopefully this passes soon.

So after all that I guess that I did end up winning in the end. Im not saying get your hopes up about exes regretting but in my case it has happened.
THIS is the kind of guy I want to end up with: who can leave the past as is and say no when it is right to say no.
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Old 25th August 2013, 1:26 PM   #9
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James, the behaviors you describe in your other threads -- i.e., clinginess, neediness, cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, black-white thinking, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Of course, you cannot determine whether your exGF's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis.

You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. I therefore ask whether you've seen strong occurrences of most of the following 18 behaviors:
  • 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;
  • 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  • 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  • 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude (e.g., not appreciating all the 3-hour trips you made to see her for two years) and a double standard ;
  • 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
  • 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  • 7. Low self esteem;
  • 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;
  • 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  • 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  • 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  • 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  • 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  • 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  • 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  • 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  • 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  • 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
James, I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means that everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits the traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most BPD traits at a moderate to strong level. I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn how to spot the nine red flags if you take time to read about the warning signs. Hence, if most of the behaviors listed above sound very familiar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them at Crazy I think but I love her anyway. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, James.
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Old 25th August 2013, 5:12 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Downtown View Post
James, the behaviors you describe in your other threads -- i.e., clinginess, neediness, cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, black-white thinking, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Of course, you cannot determine whether your exGF's BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis.

You nonetheless are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD. There is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. I therefore ask whether you've seen strong occurrences of most of the following 18 behaviors:
  • 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;
  • 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  • 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  • 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude (e.g., not appreciating all the 3-hour trips you made to see her for two years) and a double standard ;
  • 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
  • 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  • 7. Low self esteem;
  • 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;
  • 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  • 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  • 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  • 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  • 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  • 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  • 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  • 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  • 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  • 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
James, I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means that everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits the traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most BPD traits at a moderate to strong level. I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn how to spot the nine red flags if you take time to read about the warning signs. Hence, if most of the behaviors listed above sound very familiar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them at Crazy I think but I love her anyway. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, James.


Wow I am pretty sure she fit most of those
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Old 25th August 2013, 5:18 PM   #11
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A lot of people would have given in to their ex. I guess this means you are pretty much over her?

If you treated your ex how they deserved to be treated at the time, I think eventually they realise what they had and now missed. There are a lot of jerks out there, both men and women and there's a good chance they will experience a jerk in their life. If you did your best and treated them well it will be hard for other guys/girls to live up to what you did, but eventually they will realise what they once had.

Like i said it brought back a flood of emotions. I would like to think that I am completely over her, but I cant say that's 100% true or I most likely wouldn't be posting here right? It is still bothering me a little bit, and it was pretty hard to be rude to her, but I didn't know how else to react.

For the second part of your response. I made my fair share of mistakes in the relationship, but yes overall I think I treated her the best I could, including driving home 3 hours EVERY weekend from college to spend time with her. Some people just need time away to see what they had I guess. Its really a shame.
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Old 25th August 2013, 5:24 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by xanitus View Post
wow. you are the man.

and she never bothered to contact you in all these months? If she was in love i would have thought she would make more effort.
She text me from time to time, but they are all really vague.
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