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Almost 3 months NC. Was doing great but now I'm tempted to contact him again!


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I recently heard that the girl my ex might have been going after started dating someone else and their ''friendship'' sort of went down hill from there on out.

 

I was really happy a month or two ago, but now I'm starting to miss him... I'm tempted to contact him to see how he would respond to me. Would he be distant and cold, or was he protecting his ego this whole time and would he actually be happy to hear from me again... I'm really REALLY tempted to break NC.

 

Have any of you had a positive outcome ensue from doing so? I'm not necessarily saying ''did you get your ex back???'', but did you get some kind of closure or confirmation that you were better off the way you are?

 

Appreciate the insight!

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I'm not sure how this relates to you...but I'm just on the other side right now.

 

My ex gf broke up with me in April and I immediately went NC and tried to move on. She was really shy and takes a long time to feel comfortable with new people. I've been having a fun summer, seeing friends, a few dates, etc., but I've thought about her a lot.

 

Last month, after 3 months of NC, she texted me out of the blue. For the last few weeks, I texted her twice and we had a few great light conversations.

 

This past week we finally had a phone call. It was amazing to hear her voice and catch up. She was funny and teased me, talked about her summer since the BU. For the first hour and a half it was lighthearted and amazing.

 

She then asked about if I was dating anyone and I filled her in a bit. She mentioned how horrible the dates she's had have been. I told her that the BU was for the best, that it was healthy to do so...but afterwards thought that we could have worked on what wasn't working.

 

And then she...disagreed. Thought that we should just move forward. At this point she was crying and I could tell was emotional still. She said that the BU was really hard on her. That she thought about me everyday, missed me, and constantly told herself not to call me. She finally relented after a family crisis.

 

She told me that she knew we couldn't be just friends and didn't expect either. I think we both now that we won't be talking anytime soon.

 

It's strange, having all those emotions for me, when she said that the reason for the BU was because she doesn't feel completely at ease with me.

 

She mentioned that she cried missing me all the time and cares about me..but just doesn't think we can work. (Which doesn't make all that much sense, but I get it)

 

And you know what...I'm actually doing really well afterwards. It's not the outcome I'd like, but it really did feel like closure. I had assumed that she was relieved immediately after the BU, but hearing say that she had a rough time...I don't know, it made my feelings more real too.

 

It's back to NC for me, though. I have no intention of contacting her at all any time soon and as much as I love talking to her, we both can't be friends.

 

So sure...you might get some closure. I'd probably advise against reaching out yourself. Mine finally contacted me and I could tell she wanted to have a conversation. Yours may not and it will only lead you to feel worse.

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Simon Phoenix

I started talking to my ex again after going NC for 5-plus months and I got the appropriate amount of closure. She started short and polite with me, got more friendly and talkative through a few months, but the first time I actually asked if she wanted to get lunch and/or a drink (after hearing from a close source that she wanted to see me again), she started rehashing everything that happened with us before. And from there I gained the closure I wasn't looking for.

 

I wasn't actually looking for closure, I gained closure on my own during NC, but all of the things that I wanted to say when we broke that I didn't say I got to say. Of course, I thought it was completely stupid to be talking about said things because I had already moved forward from them, but she had not, so I said what I needed to say before and she has all the information from before and there's no grey area.

 

What does it mean for us now? Who knows, and better yet, I don't really care. Getting in contact with her again made me realize that her and I weren't as good of a match as what I thought we were and that she has some personality traits that I originally thought were just a reaction to the break (she was a bit of a forced dumper) that are really how she deals with things. And those traits annoy the hell out of me and would make us incompatible. I could be friends with her down the road, but it's not something that can happen until she lets go of the past and moves forward. Trying to be friends with her now would be a waste of my time.

 

As for your situation, you aren't ready for this step. Why? Because you are creating a thread about this. If you were ready, you would just do it and you would be cool with whatever happens. You aren't to that point. I created a thread about contacting my ex about six weeks before I actually did and I'm glad I waited that six weeks, because in that time I realized that I was on good ground and that I could handle it. And I have, as the incident I described before had little to no effect on my well-being. Had I tried it when I initially created a thread about it, I would not have been in such a secure place. I'd be kind of skittish like you are.

 

Cliffs: Settle down and relax and wait this out a bit more. If and then you are truly ready, then do it. If not, then don't.

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I'm not sure how this relates to you...but I'm just on the other side right now.

 

My ex gf broke up with me in April and I immediately went NC and tried to move on. She was really shy and takes a long time to feel comfortable with new people. I've been having a fun summer, seeing friends, a few dates, etc., but I've thought about her a lot.

 

Last month, after 3 months of NC, she texted me out of the blue. For the last few weeks, I texted her twice and we had a few great light conversations.

 

This past week we finally had a phone call. It was amazing to hear her voice and catch up. She was funny and teased me, talked about her summer since the BU. For the first hour and a half it was lighthearted and amazing.

 

She then asked about if I was dating anyone and I filled her in a bit. She mentioned how horrible the dates she's had have been. I told her that the BU was for the best, that it was healthy to do so...but afterwards thought that we could have worked on what wasn't working.

 

And then she...disagreed. Thought that we should just move forward. At this point she was crying and I could tell was emotional still. She said that the BU was really hard on her. That she thought about me everyday, missed me, and constantly told herself not to call me. She finally relented after a family crisis.

 

She told me that she knew we couldn't be just friends and didn't expect either. I think we both now that we won't be talking anytime soon.

 

It's strange, having all those emotions for me, when she said that the reason for the BU was because she doesn't feel completely at ease with me.

 

She mentioned that she cried missing me all the time and cares about me..but just doesn't think we can work. (Which doesn't make all that much sense, but I get it)

 

And you know what...I'm actually doing really well afterwards. It's not the outcome I'd like, but it really did feel like closure. I had assumed that she was relieved immediately after the BU, but hearing say that she had a rough time...I don't know, it made my feelings more real too.

 

It's back to NC for me, though. I have no intention of contacting her at all any time soon and as much as I love talking to her, we both can't be friends.

 

So sure...you might get some closure. I'd probably advise against reaching out yourself. Mine finally contacted me and I could tell she wanted to have a conversation. Yours may not and it will only lead you to feel worse.

 

You story sounds nearly ideal to me as a dumpee. I would love for such a twist to occur.

 

You're right. I would feel pretty bad if he sort of just forgot about me and never looked back.

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I started talking to my ex again after going NC for 5-plus months and I got the appropriate amount of closure. She started short and polite with me, got more friendly and talkative through a few months, but the first time I actually asked if she wanted to get lunch and/or a drink (after hearing from a close source that she wanted to see me again), she started rehashing everything that happened with us before. And from there I gained the closure I wasn't looking for.

 

I wasn't actually looking for closure, I gained closure on my own during NC, but all of the things that I wanted to say when we broke that I didn't say I got to say. Of course, I thought it was completely stupid to be talking about said things because I had already moved forward from them, but she had not, so I said what I needed to say before and she has all the information from before and there's no grey area.

 

What does it mean for us now? Who knows, and better yet, I don't really care. Getting in contact with her again made me realize that her and I weren't as good of a match as what I thought we were and that she has some personality traits that I originally thought were just a reaction to the break (she was a bit of a forced dumper) that are really how she deals with things. And those traits annoy the hell out of me and would make us incompatible. I could be friends with her down the road, but it's not something that can happen until she lets go of the past and moves forward. Trying to be friends with her now would be a waste of my time.

 

As for your situation, you aren't ready for this step. Why? Because you are creating a thread about this. If you were ready, you would just do it and you would be cool with whatever happens. You aren't to that point. I created a thread about contacting my ex about six weeks before I actually did and I'm glad I waited that six weeks, because in that time I realized that I was on good ground and that I could handle it. And I have, as the incident I described before had little to no effect on my well-being. Had I tried it when I initially created a thread about it, I would not have been in such a secure place. I'd be kind of skittish like you are.

 

Cliffs: Settle down and relax and wait this out a bit more. If and then you are truly ready, then do it. If not, then don't.

 

Thank you so much for your story!! :) How did you finally know you were ready though?

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NO. DON'T.

 

I just broke a month of solid no contact and all I got for it was a weekend's worth of panic attacks. It is so not worth it.

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NO. DON'T.

 

I just broke a month of solid no contact and all I got for it was a weekend's worth of panic attacks. It is so not worth it.

 

I take it your ex wasn't answering?

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Talk to me instead if you think you need to break NC.

 

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind if things get really bad.

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Ireallydontknow
Thank you. I'll keep that in mind if things get really bad.

 

Please do! I have moments of weakness as well, so it would be a benefit to me as well :p Just today I was DYING to talk to my ex, I sat and cried for an hour. It passed and I was better eventually. I still have my dignity and she (hopefully) is wondering when I'm going to grovel at her feet to boost her oh-so-precious ego.

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I take it your ex wasn't answering?

 

Worse: He did. And he told me way more about his new life than I wanted to hear. I mean I can look on the bright side and say it was another push to move on, but really, it has made me feel worse.

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Simon Phoenix
Thank you so much for your story!! :) How did you finally know you were ready though?

 

When I didn't feel the need to ask for advice on this forum before doing it. I was secure in what I was doing and with whatever result came from it. Also, I realized that I had a good life irregardless of whether or not she was in it and that having her would just be a bonus. I didn't "need" her anymore and I knew that I'd be OK. And in the process of talking to her, it got easier to suppress said emotions so when she started getting all rehashing with me, I was like "Really?" instead of getting all bent out of shape. But the only reason I was at that point was because I did the NC work necessary.

 

I would say once you feel like you are ready and you can handle things, wait another month to make sure that you are legitimately in that place and you aren't in just a high. If you are still fluctuating between high and low, that fluctuation will come about during that month. If you still feel the exact same or even more empowered after that month, then go for it if you still want to.

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Please do! I have moments of weakness as well, so it would be a benefit to me as well :p Just today I was DYING to talk to my ex, I sat and cried for an hour. It passed and I was better eventually. I still have my dignity and she (hopefully) is wondering when I'm going to grovel at her feet to boost her oh-so-precious ego.

 

Ugh, this is so difficult and it seems almost unreal that so many people are going through the same rollercoaster of emotions. :( Good job for not caving in.

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Worse: He did. And he told me way more about his new life than I wanted to hear. I mean I can look on the bright side and say it was another push to move on, but really, it has made me feel worse.

 

I can understand how you'd feel. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, and just because your ex may be having a good time, doesn't mean you can't have an awesome and eventful life as well.

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When I didn't feel the need to ask for advice on this forum before doing it. I was secure in what I was doing and with whatever result came from it. Also, I realized that I had a good life irregardless of whether or not she was in it and that having her would just be a bonus. I didn't "need" her anymore and I knew that I'd be OK. And in the process of talking to her, it got easier to suppress said emotions so when she started getting all rehashing with me, I was like "Really?" instead of getting all bent out of shape. But the only reason I was at that point was because I did the NC work necessary.

 

I would say once you feel like you are ready and you can handle things, wait another month to make sure that you are legitimately in that place and you aren't in just a high. If you are still fluctuating between high and low, that fluctuation will come about during that month. If you still feel the exact same or even more empowered after that month, then go for it if you still want to.

 

Okay, I see what you mean. Thanks for the advice. :)

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Simon Phoenix
Okay, I see what you mean. Thanks for the advice. :)

 

I should add that if you feel any lows during that month, then you aren't ready and you need to reset the clock. But if you get through a month without lows, then you might be in the necessary mindset to go through with contact.

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I should add that if you feel any lows during that month, then you aren't ready and you need to reset the clock. But if you get through a month without lows, then you might be in the necessary mindset to go through with contact.

 

Yikes, when you put it that way, I'm definitely not ready for this yet. :/

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Simon Phoenix
Yikes, when you put it that way, I'm definitely not ready for this yet. :/

 

There's no shot clock or time limit to NC. You do it for as long as you need to. If you are disappointed about not being ready to break it, that further confirms that you aren't ready. But yeah, I wouldn't worry too much about that.

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Worse: He did. And he told me way more about his new life than I wanted to hear. I mean I can look on the bright side and say it was another push to move on, but really, it has made me feel worse.

 

And on the flip side of things...mine told me about the couple of horrible dates she's had. Super awkward guys or guys that never called back.

 

And yet, she still didn't want to try again with me. Despite caring about me and crying as she said it...doesn't want another chance.

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And on the flip side of things...mine told me about the couple of horrible dates she's had. Super awkward guys or guys that never called back.

 

And yet, she still didn't want to try again with me. Despite caring about me and crying as she said it...doesn't want another chance.

 

That's so strange and somewhat discouraging to think that a person could literally miss the everloving s&!t out of you and still not want you back.

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