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Ireallydontknow

I've been posting a lot I think I'm going to keep it consolidated in one post for my own venting purposes and to view my progress. I also one day would love to show my ex all the hurt she put me through when she speaks to me again. Anywho it has been 5 days since the break up, 5 days NC.

 

Today I left Kentucky. I watched the beautiful blue skies all along the way. It made me miss her, everything made me miss her. I kept thinking how I would be in the back seat with her now, cuddling, my hand on her thigh, whispering "I love yous", and taking a nap on one another.

 

I did none of that. I sat and rode a roller coaster of emotions which traveled as fast as the car did. One moment I was so pissed off. "How could she!""She never wanted to work!" and so on. It would eventually just shift into a full blown depression. After I woke up from a nap, it was worst. I didn't dream about her, but it's that simple realization of everything wrong hitting you at once.

 

My last hour was of me sitting in total silence. I only answered with very low monotones responses. I would teeter to the edge of fully losing it. I went on OkCupid, it cheered me up strangely enough. It cheered me up that I was starting to find other women pretty and "worthy." I arrived at my future house and everything hit me. It was surreal, I know knew this was happening.

 

I lost it, I had to go into my new bedroom and cry for 30 minutes. My phone dinging rapidly from a friend on Facebook attempting to cheer me up. Everywhere I went today the ghost of my ex was there. I could hear her, I could see her, I could almost feel her. It was an empty feeling, sickening even. The rest of my night was basically filled with tears.

 

Here I was, new life, I'm living in a frikking mansion! I was given a free notebook computer, I was given expensive toothpaste to whiten my teeth, a new car is in my future, I'm going to a weight loss spa in the country,and all kinds of other possibilities and opportunities. I sincerely would of went back to the poverty I left behind to be with my ex. I would trade this all in to have her back in my life as a better, trusting person. I would go back to sitting on a grimy, dirty floor in a house not even big enough for 2 people but is housing 5.

 

How does one so selfless end up with one so selfish, I thought. It was something that kept running through my mind over and over. "How could she?" was the theme. The image running through my head is "someone right now is having sex with the woman I loved." It was borderline voyeurism as I felt like I could see this image, burned into my mind, torturing me.

 

Now I am here, laying down. I'm calmer. None of the girls on Okcupid were interested in me. I'm about to work out, shower, use this expensive toothpaste and go to bed. I have another long day ahead of me, another day of forgetting that I love you.

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I 'm sorry. Breaking up is very hard especially when you feel the person you loved didn't love you the same way. It's crushing, I know....but the only way to move on is to force yourself to stay busy and avoid being alone with your thoughts. I cried for a several days...it's the process unfortunately! It sucks but you need to protect your heart and your sanity. Call an old friend and hang out with new people. New possibilities will soon come around and you will eventually fell foolish wasting so much time thinking about your ex. This shall pass....you may long for her from time to time but it will get easier with time. Good luck!

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Ireallydontknow

It has almost been a week. I feel like I am progressively getting worst. I think I had a dream about her last night but it was very fuzzy when I woke up. I often wonder when the morning will get easier. It's the hardest part still. I cried in bed for a couple minutes then went into my moms room. There I showed her the engagement ring she never got to see. I ran my fingers over it, caressing it, thinking about the things that could be, but will never be. I cried again.

 

I was very depressed for the majority of the day. I went out shopping to get some things and walked around the outdoor mall alone. It felt incredibly lonely. I remember being able to chime in on my surroundings, point out things I found funny, and have a hand to hold. I did nothing but internally struggle. I just kept thinking about the past and how I missed having her around me. I saw a happy couple walking by, the male playfully spanked on his girlfriend, then they walked side by side, arms around each other. This made me so sad...It reminded me of the old us. Now you are doing that with another...

 

During lunch my exes cousin called me. We are still good friends and I'd like to remain good friends. She was having problems with her boyfriend and needed advice. I was happy to help and tried guiding her especially since I am dealing with a bad break up. My best advice is "Don't cheat!" and "Tell them if there is someone else." The conversation naturally shifted towards my ex. She still has yet to tell any of her friends what she is doing beyond a facebook update. She has been out of the house everyday with her new boyfriend since she left me. I told her how much it hurt to have someone do this to me after 5 years and she said one of the most profound things I've heard yet "You were only in a relationship for 4 years."

 

It hurt to hear, but as soon as I heard it anger swelled up inside of me, festering. I ranted in the car to my mother about how I was used from the start, which looking back now it's pretty obvious I would of never got with her If I didn't have what she needed. I stayed angry for a short period of time until I had the strangest mood shift.

 

A well to do family member took me out and bought me four pairs of brand new shoes. I had been wearing nasty crocs for a couple years now. I told them "I knew I was comfortable with my relationship because I could wear those out in public." I got depressed thinking about how I couldn't call her up. "___I just got new shoes!" I imagined her telling me how cute they look on me and loving them. Such a sad existence, why must you plague every thought I have? Mundane or not?

 

The depression carried on. I kept imagining her here with my family, us all laughing, her just being herself and wild. She was really a great girl with a mean streak that would come out every so often. When the mean streak was contained she was a blast.

 

I talked to an ex I dated 10 years ago. That somehow cheered me up. I was also talking to a cute girl on Okcupid who abruptly stopped communication with me. Soon I'll do my routine and go to bed. Please stay out of my dreams, it's too soon right now. I don't want to love you but I do.

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Tropi_cali510

MAN UP, first of all it know it hurts, but tell yourself its her loss, if its not meant to be its not meant to be. There will be a better greater girl out there for you, just be patient , dont act desperate, and do you, focus on you, learn from this experience so the next time u meet and love a girl, youll know what you did wrong from the last one and realize how much better you have to treat the new one. my opinion.

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Ireallydontknow

haha man up? Come on. I'm trying to feel my emotions, that's the only way to move on. Yes, I was too good for her. Yes, she was manipulative, deceiving, and a user. Still though, I had an immense connection with her and when it was good it was GOOD. I cannot help to feel the way that I do. I'm just trying to put them down so others can feel my pain, and not feel alone.

 

I'm doing everything positive right now, while she is out starting a shotgun relationship with someone. In time our happiness will shift. I will be healthier, toner, and working on a career. She will more than likely wonder where her time went, and then finally will have to feel her loneliness. Well maybe, she might check out emotionally again and groom another boyfriend. One day, karma will catch up to her. Hopefully I'll be setting off on the cruise we always talked about with a girl who DESERVES it and HELPS me get to that point. Not a selfish brat who doesn't want to work for anything.

 

All in all thank you for reading. Thats my .02 cent.

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Man, don't go to dating sites right now!!! You can't take more rejection, even from girls you don't know!!! Nothing good can come from this. And even if you meet someone, how unfair to her.

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I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing, and I know that you are helping yourself and others by posting here. The whole point of this forum is to find camaraderie in others and for all of us to help each other get through this difficult time in our lives. I think venting here is healthy; not only are you not suppressing your feelings (which would NOT be healthy) but you are venting here instead of trying to contact your ex, which is one of the worst things you can possibly do, and you are not expressing hope for reconciliation, you are trying to move on. My ex and I broke up a month ago, but had had communication and saw each, but we then decided that wasn't a good idea. We have had no contact officially for a week today, and it has been very difficult. We were together for 1 1/2 years and lived together. I , too, feel what you are feeling. Sometimes I am excited at the thought of meeting somebody new, with better attributes than he had, and other times I get sad when I think of the happy times we shared. I get sad when I see happy couples, and all, I mean ALL, of my close friends are in relationships, so it is really difficult for me to spend time with them. I am a roller coaster of emotions. I am happy, then miserable, in literally less than 5 minutes from each other. As time goes on, I thought I would be getting stronger, but sometimes I feel like I am reverting. It's all a process, the important thing to remember is that it's ok to feel whatever you are feeling, if you suppress it, you won't be able to get over it.

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Ireallydontknow

Today I had my first dream about my old love. In my dream she told me that she made a mistake, the new guy was possessive of her, his friends treated her like garbage, and it just wasn't what she thought it was. I told her I wanted to be with her still, but we couldn't live together, because I was working on bettering myself. She agreed to having a LDR thing going on and then we had sex. Afterwards in the dream I caught up with her other guy and then went to town on him with a baseball bat.

 

I woke up from this with ultra confused feelings, "Was this really happening?" "Was this a premonition? Am I going to be hearing from her soon saying all the same things? "Am I strong enough to not let her into my heart only to dismantle it from within slowly again?" I couldn't answer these questions. I just did not know. At this point I would probably take her back but remain living a state away. I'm pathetic. My self esteem is just non existent.

 

I also noticed this was the day, one year ago, that she emotionally cheated on me. It was a day where you woke up and thought everything was going to be cool. I'm going to watch some TV, play a video game, make a good ass dinner, but instead you are getting a call from a rambling fiance saying "How we need to break up, I don't feel right, etc, etc." This is when I found out she was telling the guy she dumped me for she loved him. Ironically enough he was already playing another girl while telling her that. I think people get too caught up in the hunt for their next perfect soul mate. Ignoring the once perfect one before them.

 

It was almost like a biological clock going off in her. "I have to get with this guy, so unhappy!" Two weeks ago you told me how much my love meant to you, how much you loved me...How can one be so fickle?

 

I'm trying to not let this effect me. I had a semi-decent day yesterday. I did TWO walks instead of one! I feel sore, but one of my shirts fit really nice today. It's good to see. I feel selfish because I want my ex to see me one day and be like "Damn, why did I let THAT go." I don't know what to think right now, maybe I just shouldn't.

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Ireallydontknow

Yesterday was tough, I just could not get out of the slump. I cried, cried, and cried some more. I didn't even watch Breaking Bad because of the emotional tie involved. I'm going to have to watch it today, to dull myself to the pain.

 

Something amazing did happen yesterday though. I went out to eat at a chinese fusion restaurant and I saw THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IVE SEEN IN A LONG TIME. Omgosh! I couldn't quite finish my lunch. Every time she walked by I would just stare at her, my heart fluttering softly. She was perfect! I wished she was my waitress so I could muster up the courage to talk to her. I think I'm going to go back. I'm so shy I don't know what I could say to her. I'm not very good with girls most of my relationships started online...

 

I also had to go back through facebook and delete some mutual friends of ours. I sent one of her best friends a message letting her know that she cheated on me and ran off with another guy. I apologized if our friendship together started off rocky. I asked that she keeps an eye on my ex and that she does well in college and in life. I was told the letter was very mature and it just shows what a great person I am. I just didn't want her to feel offended that I'd remove her out of spite. I'm too considerate of others and too harsh on myself...oh well therapy soon! Please, I hope it helps...

 

This morning I woke up and the flood happened. The flood of all the feelings, emotions, and hurt just rush into my head. It makes me not want to wake up. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to wake up. I checked my phone, I was expecting something from my ex. I was sad when I didn't get it. I just want to hear her say "I love you, I miss you! I'm sorry I did this!" I keep having the fantasy that one day we'll meet later down in life and restart our relationship...why am I doing this?

 

I need to keep working on myself. I'm going to walk right now, and then call up some therapists. I'm going to set a date for the weight loss spa and come out of there hopefully 50 pounds lighter! Once I start doing all this stuff how can I show my ex? Why should I show her? While I'm working on my problems, she is just off screwing someone else, rushing into living in his apartment, like she did me. I shouldn't care but I do. I spent the last 5 years of my life looking out for this girl. Maybe I should start worrying about looking out for myself...it's hard, oddly enough.

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Ireallydontknow

Another dream, another ripped seam. I dreamt that I had a day to impress her so we could stay together. The first thing she that happened was a friend of ours, who I'm not really fond of, wanted to get drunk. She wanted to do that and I hesitated. I normally did in our relationship. I didn't want to go out a lot of the time with our friends, because they weren't the greatest people. She complained most of the time, and I felt hopeless. I felt that same sinking feeling I got when I knew the end was near.

 

I remember the feeling. I got clingy to her, like I knew this might be the end of days, my last moments of holding her. My self esteem plummeted, my self worth along with it. I felt like a scared child holding on for dear life. Maybe that pushed her away? I doubt it, her mind was made up. She was going to leave me for another. But why would you propose a break? You had premeditated what you were going to do to me.

 

It was just not a good day yesterday. I kept having memories pop up. As we were breaking up we did our "special kiss." We told each other that we will never share it with another person. Our break up was bitter sweet. We held each other and kissed for a long time. I knew this was my last time to hold the woman I loved. I told her it was time for me to leave and I was going to bow out of her life graciously. She went in for a hug and I told her "I couldn't."

 

I also found out that waitress had a boyfriend! She didn't really seem my type either...sadly, I was using this girl as a distraction. I had planned on losing 50 pounds and going in there and striking small talk. I was excited at the thought of a possible date, but it's all no more. It made me go to bed crying, crying at how alone I felt. While I'm alone, my ex is being pampered during her honey moon phase. Everyone assures me she is going to get hers, maybe even get her heart broken.

 

The rest of my day consists of charity work. I don't feel like doing it, but was signed up to do it. I just don't feel like being around people right now. I don't feel like I could make anyone's day brighter. I just want to crawl under a rock and slowly perish. I feel broken right now, it's only been 10 days but it is so hard. I keep awaiting to here from you...what would that do? I need to move on, I HAVE to move on.

 

Stay strong LS, stay strong for me right now because I feel so weak.

Edited by Ireallydontknow
Wrong title!
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Today is officially day 10 NC for me as well. Yesterday was really hard for me. Cried, fell asleep, woke up, cried some more, and just stayed in bed all day. I miss my best friend and all the good things we used to have. It's hard,but I'm holding on to faith that it will all get better, it has to.

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We here can be your strength. You continue to write as long as it helps you heal. I can feel your pain in every word, it mirrors the exact situation I am in. No words can comfort you i know, just allow yourself to continue to release these feelings and your inner self will become stronger.

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Ireallydontknow

Two weeks.

Two weeks.

 

I'm better, but I'm not. I'm healing, yet i'm not. It's a back and forth power struggle as my mind and heart try to mend itself back whole. I see her every now and then on facebook, time to delete another friend. I hate seeing your picture, I hate seeing you going on as if you didn't betray someone who cared about you, your selfish nature always has a way of showing itself doesn't it?

 

I hate you, but I love you. I go from one extreme to the next. I just hate how easy it was to sleep with someone else. All the broken promises, the broken vows. I'm glad you weren't wearing our ring when you screwed him. You already tainted it enough. Used it as leverage against someone so in love with you.

 

Textbook definition. You're a narcissist. I'm reading a psychology book. Your picture should be in it. It was always about you. Your ugly mask will come off some day. You hate yourself so much that you mow down others to protect yourself. I hope you pay for what you've done. Your fickleness and inability to face your own demons. It's so easy to throw everything away as long as you can keep running.

 

Victory. I've been working out HARD. I see results. I have A LOT of work to do. I've made it up a hill ironically called "heartbreak hill." It took a week of slowly walking up it, but I finally got up there. My heart is still broken. Why? Why do I care so much? You obviously don't. Your in a new relationship, a relationship you started while we were still committed to each other. So go ahead, commit again, it means nothing.

 

Confused. I feel confused. I'm talking to an old ex. I feel like I still have a place for her. It's been 10 years. I'm not doing anything stupid. Part of me wants to say something. The other part just accepts the friendship we have right now. I don't want to do anything stupid. She is helping me so much. When I'm about to cry, she shows me songs, funny videos. She'll call my ex names and share stories of her crazy ex boyfriend. It helps so much. She is such a cool person. I was never bored of talking to her and we would always do the quirkiest stuff together. I miss that in someone. Did I mention she is absolutely gorgeous? I should stop.

 

Tomorrow I leave for a month. I won't be able to update this. I won't be able to go to LS. I won't be able to talk to my friends. When I come back I hope to be 50 pounds lighter. Wish me luck. This is my first huge step. When I return I'll have a new car and I'll be going back to college. I cannot wait for you to see me make it on top when you are still eating out of the dumpster. Screw you, you were never worth my time. Yet I still think about you all of the time. Sweet, sweet irony.

 

Stay strong LS.

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Ireallydontknow

Three weeks. Three weeks NC.

 

The bumpy road that is my break up continues to bounce me to and fro'. I have been a wreck the past few days. I have been crying my eyes out. "I miss her!" Is the anthem to my tears. Thoughts of her betrayal creep in at the worst of times. I keep thinking about how it was so easy for her to throw our 5 years away, our engagement, for greener grass. I hear she is so much happier and having so much fun! Yuck, she doesn't deserve it. I am going through intense pain all because someone wanted a little fun. Because someone didn't want to contribute into a relationship, work, build, put effort into it. All you wanted to do is sit on your ass and smoke weed. All you wanted to do was spend my money I went out and worked for. Vent, vent, vent.

 

You were such a terrible partner at times, why do I miss you so? How can I only think of our best memories as you use our worst to justify your actions? Why do I cry, while you get to laugh? Why do I feel pain, while she feels pleasure? How does one move on from their first love like it never happened? To jump into a random relationship with someone you don't know? How disposable was I? I was lead on the whole year, hopes, and dreams brought to such a high level. I was to finalize our wedding next year.

 

Now here I am, starting tomorrow I will truly be alone. I am in the Tennessee mountains. At a fitness spa. I've lost a lot of weight and the I've used this intense pain as a motivator. I continue to try and funnel it to channel it. I keep thinking how one day "I'll show her." Is it right to think that way? I just want her to suffer as I am doing. Will it all hit her someday? That she never mourned the loss of us? Or is she really that cold to emotions? I guess I'll never know since I have her cut out from my life. Bits and pieces of her seem to pop up from time to time but I finally feel like she is fully eradicated.

 

Only time will tell, when does this all get easier?

 

Stay strong LS. Stay strong because I can't always stay strong.

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wow i can feel you exactly....

 

some advise...

 

we must understand that these girls(our exs) burned our dreams shadowed our love our selfless parts. our kind parts... though they kept eating good energy from us and that good part of us never had slyness never had evil never had demons we just made them idol they just agreed and promised in a way and in the end what they did to us?

 

 

THEY BETRAIED US, WE WERE OBJECTS

 

we deserve way better man... lets just learn from it.. just learn

 

for anything you want we are here 24/7..

 

keep up we go through the same you are not alone

 

Three weeks. Three weeks NC.

 

The bumpy road that is my break up continues to bounce me to and fro'. I have been a wreck the past few days. I have been crying my eyes out. "I miss her!" Is the anthem to my tears. Thoughts of her betrayal creep in at the worst of times. I keep thinking about how it was so easy for her to throw our 5 years away, our engagement, for greener grass. I hear she is so much happier and having so much fun! Yuck, she doesn't deserve it. I am going through intense pain all because someone wanted a little fun. Because someone didn't want to contribute into a relationship, work, build, put effort into it. All you wanted to do is sit on your ass and smoke weed. All you wanted to do was spend my money I went out and worked for. Vent, vent, vent.

 

You were such a terrible partner at times, why do I miss you so? How can I only think of our best memories as you use our worst to justify your actions? Why do I cry, while you get to laugh? Why do I feel pain, while she feels pleasure? How does one move on from their first love like it never happened? To jump into a random relationship with someone you don't know? How disposable was I? I was lead on the whole year, hopes, and dreams brought to such a high level. I was to finalize our wedding next year.

 

Now here I am, starting tomorrow I will truly be alone. I am in the Tennessee mountains. At a fitness spa. I've lost a lot of weight and the I've used this intense pain as a motivator. I continue to try and funnel it to channel it. I keep thinking how one day "I'll show her." Is it right to think that way? I just want her to suffer as I am doing. Will it all hit her someday? That she never mourned the loss of us? Or is she really that cold to emotions? I guess I'll never know since I have her cut out from my life. Bits and pieces of her seem to pop up from time to time but I finally feel like she is fully eradicated.

 

Only time will tell, when does this all get easier?

 

Stay strong LS. Stay strong because I can't always stay strong.

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  • 3 weeks later...
send_me_flowers

i know it hurts theres so much hate for the ones we love :o i was engaged if you read some of my posts it explains my stroy. its amazing how someone can just leave without a thought for our feelings,

 

but you know it says alot about who they truly are, selfish self centred and heartless do we really want them when they dont want us no we dont.

 

we want someone who will give us what we can give them a whole heartly relationship. but we need to look stiaght ahead because we are to special to be waiting my the phone for a call that MAY NEVER HAPPEN. as much as we pray we can have them the fact remains they dont want us. my ex fiance got a tattoo of another womans name on his arm while we was still together had the cheek to come back and than left me its actually 6 weeeks today i havent heard from him. yes we miss them and it hurts with you having imanges of your ex having sex, my ex is actually doing it im long gone to him and i have to and you have to pick ourselves up and get on with our lives

 

i see as our exs as the RATS LEAVE THE SINKING SHIP!!!!

 

good luck to you remember its her loss and you will find your special person :)

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