He loves me but doesn't want sex

[beepbeepbop]

Hi all, I'm hoping for some insight into my strange relationship. I met this man, who is quite frankly the love of my life, when I was 27 and he was 23. Now I'm 32 and he's 28. During our first 2 years together we had great sex and we loved each other, but he broke up with me 4 times. Each time it was because I wanted to settle down and he wasn't ready. We'd hit a breaking point and he'd say I can't do this yet, and we'd break up.

 

The 4th time, we were apart 1.5 years. He slept with a ton of women. He did debaucherous things, lived out any and every fantasy he's ever had. I on the other hand was mourning and celebate. Then I met someone new, who was normal, kind, and good to me. The new guy was wonderful and sweet, but nowhere near as brilliant and intellectual as my ex. That's a huge thing for me. While dating the new guy, my ex came back and told me I was the one and that he wanted to spend his life with. Long story short, I broke up with the new guy and got back together with my ex, but I was so angry with him I broke it off and got back together with the new guy, and completely broke my ex's heart over it.

 

He was devastated. Things ended with the new guy (I knew it wasn't going anywhere), and my ex and I got back together. That was one year ago. We love each other, but the sex has been pretty intermittent. 6 weeks ago it stopped altogether. He's running his own company and has immersed himself in work, and just avoids my advances and then we fight about it when I get upset. Yesterday he told me he's not turned on by me, but he loves me so much he would go years without sex just to keep me around. He said he's sexually frustrated, but sex to him has less meaning, and he would feel more comfortable having a one night stand than trying to have sex with me. I don't understand what to make of this.

 

I suggested therapy and he refuses. Meanwhile I'm so sexually frustrated. I work out and he doesn't, he smokes pot and does his IT work. Do I need to get in even better shape or what can I do? This is a pickle...

Edited August 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JDPT]

Something very similar occurred to me many years ago while in a relationship. I met this woman, at the beginning used to have sex all the time then it diminished for some reason. We then decided to move in together and we essentially had zero sex life together. I however was still attracted to other women and had zero sexual interest on my girlfriend. Needless to say I ended up cheating on my girlfriend as I had sexual desires but not with her. And we ended the relationship. I just like your boyfriend used to use anything and everything as an excuse to not have sex with her, it was terrible and so uncomfortable at times. Now I'm not saying that this is what's happening to your boyfriend but rather than argue with him about it (which is what my ex girl used to do) talk to him and try to get to the bottom of it, I understand you have sexual need we all do but if you keep arguing with him about it, it will only exacerbate the situation. I would suggest to back off for a little while, however, be adamant about going to counseling.

[templeofmax]

Whoa, so you have broken up like 6 times already. Doesn't sound too healthy. I thought my relationship was complicated. I would talk to him, but if he prefers one-night stands, I don't think he is a keeper cause he will cheat on you, plus what is a relationship without sex?. He basically loves you, but its not in love with you. Basically he is looking in you what he can't get from whores or like-whores, but looking in them what he doesn't feel for you. If you don't attract him like that, why would you put yourself in that position? I know you guys must love each other after so many break-ups, but if he is refusing to go to therapy and basically have you as his little plushy bear without working for it, why would you want to put yourself in that position? If you say you are physical active and haven't let go of your appearance, then the problems rests in him. You should be with someone who loves you AND is attracted to you on an emotional & physical level AND respects you. This guy is not.

[coffeebean201]

It is hard to drag them to counselling.

Sounds like something else has his attention.

You leaving/dating someone else openly may help spark his attention and he can decide if he really wants the relationship to work or not.

But his ego sounds like it crushes the love you have/had for him. He just completely ignores your needs in favour of his own pursuits.

Some couples live very separate lives. Is that what you want? Totally separate lives, but married together?

[beepbeepbop]

It's odd...he said the other day that he thinks either he tainted his view of sex with all these one night stands, and he can't treat me like a "sport f-ck" (those were his words) but he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. I need to have a partner who loves me and wants me. I've realized the bringing it up or being super mopey around him is only making it worse, but I just feel so depressed by it. He tells me I'm the love of his life, and he is not the type to say stuff like that lightly. He's a moody Taurus, and he is honest with his emotions. I just don't get it. He also said "I just know every single curve of your body, it's not new anymore". Maybe after all this effort, it's a losing battle.

[Eddie Edirol]

He's told you every reason he doesnt want to have sex with you anymore. This is no pickle, its pretty straight forward. He has no interest in you physically.

 

 

• He doesnt see your body as new anymore,
  
• one night stands tainted his view of sex
  
• Hes not turned on by you (Ouch!)
  
• he would feel more comfortable having a one night stand
  
• he wont go to therapy
  

Sounds to me your only choices are to play games to try to make him jealous or just tell him youre ready to leave. Games could backfire because he could easily have one night stands.

 

 

What are you doing to make him interested in sex? Are you just nagging him every chance you get, or are you making it scarce? If you seem like you dont need it, he might get curious eventually. It looks to me like he is getting his sex elsewhere, while getting the rest of his needs met by you, but it only works when you let it work.

 

 

 

Honestly, all of my suggestions are just too much trouble for a guy who has told you straight up that he isnt interested. You need attraction for a relationship to work, and you really should work on finding a guy that will be attracted to you. It would be hard and would take a while, but the alternative is that you stay with this guy until you arent physically desirable anymore, but still wanting, and youre stuck.

[Lei Ping]

He's told you every reason he doesnt want to have sex with you anymore. This is no pickle, its pretty straight forward. He has no interest in you physically.

 

 

• He doesnt see your body as new anymore,
  
• one night stands tainted his view of sex
  
• Hes not turned on by you (Ouch!)
  
• he would feel more comfortable having a one night stand
  
• he wont go to therapy
  

Sounds to me your only choices are to play games to try to make him jealous or just tell him youre ready to leave. Games could backfire because he could easily have one night stands.

 

 

What are you doing to make him interested in sex? Are you just nagging him every chance you get, or are you making it scarce? If you seem like you dont need it, he might get curious eventually. It looks to me like he is getting his sex elsewhere, while getting the rest of his needs met by you, but it only works when you let it work.

 

 

 

Honestly, all of my suggestions are just too much trouble for a guy who has told you straight up that he isnt interested. You need attraction for a relationship to work, and you really should work on finding a guy that will be attracted to you. It would be hard and would take a while, but the alternative is that you stay with this guy until you arent physically desirable anymore, but still wanting, and youre stuck.

 

Emotional Ping-Pong is well known to kill the lust in an otherwise loving relationship.

 

There isn't much that OP can do. A 28 year old who doesn't want to have sex (with her) isn't much use. She should go out and find a 58 year old to date and have terrific sex with, then come back home and show that young whippersnapper how it's done....or not come back at all.....

[LostInTheWild]

A Taurus, huh?

 

This is easy -- make him jealous (harmlessly flirt). You are a possession to him. A Taurus does not like having their possessions taken away and desire them more when their presence is threatened.

 

Work it girl. You've got sex appeal, I'm sure. If he doesn't see that then I'm sure another guy will -- and hey, if flirting with someone else in front of him doesn't work then it's TRULY not worth it anymore.

 

When something like this happens, try to play your cards -- I'm not one to play games if I don't feel it's necessary, but I will rise to the occasion when it feels like I've lost anyway.

[Emilia]

Hi all, I'm hoping for some insight into my strange relationship. I met this man, who is quite frankly the love of my life, when I was 27 and he was 23. Now I'm 32 and he's 28. During our first 2 years together we had great sex and we loved each other, but he broke up with me 4 times. Each time it was because I wanted to settle down and he wasn't ready. We'd hit a breaking point and he'd say I can't do this yet, and we'd break up.

 

The 4th time, we were apart 1.5 years. He slept with a ton of women. He did debaucherous things, lived out any and every fantasy he's ever had. I on the other hand was mourning and celebate. Then I met someone new, who was normal, kind, and good to me. The new guy was wonderful and sweet, but nowhere near as brilliant and intellectual as my ex. That's a huge thing for me. While dating the new guy, my ex came back and told me I was the one and that he wanted to spend his life with. Long story short, I broke up with the new guy and got back together with my ex, but I was so angry with him I broke it off and got back together with the new guy, and completely broke my ex's heart over it.

 

He was devastated. Things ended with the new guy (I knew it wasn't going anywhere), and my ex and I got back together. That was one year ago. We love each other, but the sex has been pretty intermittent. 6 weeks ago it stopped altogether. He's running his own company and has immersed himself in work, and just avoids my advances and then we fight about it when I get upset. Yesterday he told me he's not turned on by me, but he loves me so much he would go years without sex just to keep me around. He said he's sexually frustrated, but sex to him has less meaning, and he would feel more comfortable having a one night stand than trying to have sex with me. I don't understand what to make of this.

 

I suggested therapy and he refuses. Meanwhile I'm so sexually frustrated. I work out and he doesn't, he smokes pot and does his IT work. Do I need to get in even better shape or what can I do? This is a pickle...

This guy is your choice as the 'love of your life', huh? That's really sad.

 

How about re-reading your post as if your best friend had posted it and critically evaluate the dysfunction, drama and emotional unavailability in it? Throw in some doormat behaviour on your part.