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7 year relationship finalized by a text message?!


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RaidDolEm78

Hi,first time poster here but I have been reading a bunch of other peoples stories on here lately to try and help myself heal or see if anyone else has a similar story as I am having such a hard time dealing with this breakup.

 

Some background info...my fiancé and I were together for seven years. A little bumpy in the beginning of the relationship as we bumped heads a lot and dealt with a lot of trying times back then,but we eventually began seeing eye to eye and things became great, wonderful even. Things progressed, we were looking to buy a house, we got engaged, long story short, we were happy. The house fell though. We took on more debt. I had to work two jobs to help pay the debt down. But we were still happy, and still made time for each other and enjoyed each others company.

 

Fastfoward to the beginning of June of this year......he tells me, out of the blue, he needs some space to figure things out, he loves me but he isn't in love with me any more, we have different things we want out of life, the list goes on and on.....I have NO IDEA where this came from.....NONE WHATSOEVER....so I gave him his space for two weeks, I didn't call him, text him, stop by his house/job...nothing...then on fathers day I went to the bank(joint bank account but my pay check is direct deposited in there) to take out money to take my grandfather out for dinner, and I notice there is less money in there than there should be. I politely text him and asked him "what gives? Im not good enough to talk to, but good enough to use my money? I just want to know what's going on?" Hourse later he finally texted back saying that "he needed some time to see if things had changed and they hadn't. He wants to be friends in the future because im a cool person, but because of my anger from my last text(huh?what anger?) he thinks its too soon." Some more bs, and then he ends it with, "DO NOT CALL ME I WILL NOT ANSWER" like I did something wrong. Still I never once called him. Like once a week I text him because there are financial things we need to split up and I ask if we can talk about those things, but he never answers. His sister still talks to me, and she wants to meet up, at some point I do want to because her and I were friends before my ex and I got together, but she asked that I do not ask her about him. That tells me that she knows something she doesn't want to discuss and that makes me uncomfortable. I have no idea where this all came from. We were in love, planning a wedding,planning our future, and now seven years is gone and it feels like it was for nothing. I for some reason feel like a fool. I am having a VERY hard time with this breakup.

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Philosoraptor

He wasn't being open with things during the relationship and once it all built up the bubble popped. Your text was his way of flipping the situation, taking the guilt off himself, and blaming you for why things couldn't work out.

 

Right now you'd be best at severing any ties and starting the process of moving on.

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RaidDolEm78

Thank you for responding, Philosoraptor. I have been trying to move on. I've been seeing a therapist for the last four weeks. Its the severing of joint things that holds me back. I treat others as I wish to be treated, and I would not like to be surprised if my cell phone has been turned off, or pulled over and my car insurance is no longer good (things that have to be split). I also realize that he has had no consideration for me and my feelings. This is why I am torn. Plus, I can't stop my mind from thinking about everything. I mean, constantly. I feel like I am going crazy. I talk to friends, family members,etc but its when I am alone it gets like this.

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unexpectedlyhere

I agree with the Philosoraptor

 

I just wanted to add: the sister doesn't necessarily "know something". She may be just trying to avoid an area of potential awkwardness between you and her because she wants the friendship to survive this. Take it easy on starting hanging out with mutual friends, only put yourself in situations you can walk out of if it gets uncomfortable.

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RaidDolEm78

Thank you,unexpectedlyhere...I didn't think of it that way. Strong possibility that may be the case. While I am not ready to hang out with any mutual friends yet, I will definitely be mindful of the situations, as I do expect at least the first times to be awkward at the least

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unexpectedlyhere

The closer these people are to your ex, the clearer you'll want to make the boundary.

 

I am avoiding face-to-face with mutual friends for a while because whilst it's easy "not to talk about him" it may be harder not to talk about you - and lying about how you are just for propping up the friendship will make it ring false very quickly.

 

Take your time and be clear. When you don't want to see mutual acquaintances but want to maintain the friendship, suggest another way to stay in touch until you're out of it from the other side.

 

We can do it! :)

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he tells me, out of the blue, he needs some space to figure things out, he loves me but he isn't in love with me any more

 

 

Right there! The "ILYBINILWY" speech is CLASSIC, text book perfect for someone that's cheating. I don't know why they ALL say this, but they do.

 

Sorry, But 9 times out of 10, when someone says this, they're cheating.

 

 

There's someone else in the picture and the missing money kinda solidifies it for me. I promise you that.

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RaidDolEm78

I believe that is what my subconscience is telling me also....but,on the other hand, I think that I am crazy and just trying to make up some sort of a definite reason, since he never gave me one.

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Your story is just like mine, albeit change 7 to 10 years, and I'm the bf and she was the dumper.

 

We moved in, all was fine, 4 weeks later I'm away for the weekend and she texts me to say 'I can't do us anymore'. I drive 150 miles home, collect a bag of stuff, move out. She refuses to see me for a week, then meets me to tell me a load of cliched bullcrap that sounds just like yours.

 

It really hurts, because after all I have done and sacrificed (there's a whole background to me moving jobs, cities etc) she couldn't even talk to me face to face.

 

And I must add, that although you are slightly ahead of me in the process, use the damn pathetic way of splitting up as a way to move on. Seriously, what kind of people are our exes to treat us like crap?

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how sticky is the financial stuff you need to work through with him? That would be my biggest concern behind taking care of your personal boundries. You need to be in survial mode!!!

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RaidDolEm78

 

And I must add, that although you are slightly ahead of me in the process, use the damn pathetic way of splitting up as a way to move on. Seriously, what kind of people are our exes to treat us like crap?

 

 

Ugh, I agree......I'm sorry to hear that you're going through pretty much the same thing.....like you, it just gets to me the amount of effort I put in to the relationship, to have this disrespect at the end, like it all meant nothing. I hope things get better for you as well.

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RaidDolEm78
how sticky is the financial stuff you need to work through with him? That would be my biggest concern behind taking care of your personal boundries. You need to be in survial mode!!!

 

The biggest thing is my car is in both of our names, and then the little things like the cell phones (joint) and car insurance(joint).....all things that can be split......I just don't want to play the sneaky game and do things behind his back.....but, like I said earlier, I realize that he hasn't been concerned about my feelings, why should I be concerned about his? This is where I am torn.

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The biggest thing is my car is in both of our names, and then the little things like the cell phones (joint) and car insurance(joint).....all things that can be split......I just don't want to play the sneaky game and do things behind his back.....but, like I said earlier, I realize that he hasn't been concerned about my feelings, why should I be concerned about his? This is where I am torn.

 

 

You have to look at it this way. He made the choice to have you out of his life. So, you're giving him exactly what he's asking for. You need to open your own account and have your paycheck direct deposited into that account. I still believe that there's someone else and you shouldn't have to help finance his affair. Get him off the cell plan, insurance....all of it. If there's money in the joint accounts, take half of it (or the amount you believe to be yours) and then get your name off those accounts. See what you can do to get him off the title of the car without contacting him.

 

There's nothing sneaky about it. You're getting your life in order and that's a life that doesn't include him (by his own choosing, I might add).

 

And if you dislodging yourself from his life is an inconvenience to him; oh well, tough sh*t! Time for him to open up a can of man and suck it up!

 

 

And if he realizes that YOUR money is gone and that his cell isn't working anymore, he may try to contact you and try to figure out what you're doing. IGNORE IT ALL!!! Remember, he texted you, "DO NOT CALL ME, I WILL NOT ANSWER IT!" Well, you're just honoring his wishes not to communicate with him.

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RaidDolEm78

You're right. I have to stop thinking so emotionally. I have to put my own needs first here. As hard as it will be, im going to start to do that.

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You have to look at it this way. He made the choice to have you out of his life. So, you're giving him exactly what he's asking for. You need to open your own account and have your paycheck direct deposited into that account. I still believe that there's someone else and you shouldn't have to help finance his affair. Get him off the cell plan, insurance....all of it. If there's money in the joint accounts, take half of it (or the amount you believe to be yours) and then get your name off those accounts. See what you can do to get him off the title of the car without contacting him.

 

There's nothing sneaky about it. You're getting your life in order and that's a life that doesn't include him (by his own choosing, I might add).

 

And if you dislodging yourself from his life is an inconvenience to him; oh well, tough sh*t! Time for him to open up a can of man and suck it up!

 

 

And if he realizes that YOUR money is gone and that his cell isn't working anymore, he may try to contact you and try to figure out what you're doing. IGNORE IT ALL!!! Remember, he texted you, "DO NOT CALL ME, I WILL NOT ANSWER IT!" Well, you're just honoring his wishes not to communicate with him.

 

 

To add on to this, text him once and say "I have tried to contact you about the splitting of assets. You have failed to reply and thus I have been forced to do it by myself. I have done X, Y, Z. Hope you are well. Goodbye."

 

Send this AFTER you have already split everything up, and send it from the ****ing phone store where you get them to block his number.

 

This guy is not normal. I know it sucks and hurts to hear and you're wondering where the love of your life went - but you need to end all contact with him right now, for a while.

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To add on to this, text him once and say "I have tried to contact you about the splitting of assets. You have failed to reply and thus I have been forced to do it by myself. I have done X, Y, Z. Hope you are well. Goodbye." Send this AFTER you have already split everything up, and send it from the ****ing phone store where you get them to block his number.

 

I just wanted to emphasise this part. Don't give him the opportunity to be petty by sabotaging things before you have managed to split them (somehow to me, he seems like he could be that kind of person, from what you've described).

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RaidDolEm78

Thank you all for your responses and for sharing your knowledge/suggestions. ....maybe possibly someone might know the answer to my next question. ....since we were engaged, there is obviously a ring involved. In my case, does it get returned or do I get to keep it? Is it considered a gift?

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Well, I don't know. I'm a guy. So, I think a girl should answer that question as to what the protocol is on that.

 

Personally, I would pawn it and use the money to go on vacation. Go somewhere nice! He GAVE you that ring as a contract. And that contract was a promise of marriage. Well, he broke that promise. He broke the contract. So, that contract is void and so is the ring.

 

That's just my opinion. I believe the courts would consider it a gift. So, I wouldn't worry about it.

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WordvAction
Thank you all for your responses and for sharing your knowledge/suggestions. ....maybe possibly someone might know the answer to my next question. ....since we were engaged, there is obviously a ring involved. In my case, does it get returned or do I get to keep it? Is it considered a gift?

 

If you have the ring, you keep it. Possession is 9/10ths of the law and there is no way for him to prove it is exclusively his especially if you two had a joint bank account.

 

FYI, not a lawyer, just someone who had studied the law.

 

P.S. Congrats on dodging a bullet. This dude sounds like a psycho

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It-is-what-it-is.
Thank you all for your responses and for sharing your knowledge/suggestions. ....maybe possibly someone might know the answer to my next question. ....since we were engaged, there is obviously a ring involved. In my case, does it get returned or do I get to keep it? Is it considered a gift?

 

Yes it's a gift, yours to keep, hock or whatever. Don't give it back unless he asks, everything else is signed sealed and delivered and you are feeing gracious.

You will be out the money he is taking from your account now anyway.

 

Split up all your bills ASAP. Keep track of any money missing since he went AWOL.

 

If you are keeping the car with his his name you need to see if you can refinance and then get him to sign it over, but that needs to be secondary to opening a new account, email, and changing the bills etc.

 

I would stop texting him in any way, if you need something have one of your family call him, or call his sister or have a lawyer send a letter.

 

The sister knows he's cheating, and doesn't want to say.

 

I am so sorry for your pain.

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RaidDolEm78
Yes it's a gift, yours to keep, hock or whatever. Don't give it back unless he asks, everything else is signed sealed and delivered and you are feeing gracious.

You will be out the money he is taking from your account now anyway.

 

Split up all your bills ASAP. Keep track of any money missing since he went AWOL.

 

If you are keeping the car with his his name you need to see if you can refinance and then get him to sign it over, but that needs to be secondary to opening a new account, email, and changing the bills etc.

 

I would stop texting him in any way, if you need something have one of your family call him, or call his sister or have a lawyer send a letter.

 

The sister knows he's cheating, and doesn't want to say.

 

I am so sorry for your pain.

 

 

Thank you.....this has been one hard lesson learned

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RaidDolEm78
Yes it's a gift, yours to keep, hock or whatever. Don't give it back unless he asks, everything else is signed sealed and delivered and you are feeing gracious.

You will be out the money he is taking from your account now anyway.

 

Split up all your bills ASAP. Keep track of any money missing since he went AWOL.

 

If you are keeping the car with his his name you need to see if you can refinance and then get him to sign it over, but that needs to be secondary to opening a new account, email, and changing the bills etc.

 

I would stop texting him in any way, if you need something have one of your family call him, or call his sister or have a lawyer send a letter.

 

The sister knows he's cheating, and doesn't want to say.

 

 

I am so sorry for your pain.

 

Its sad...I guess I really didn't know him as well as I thought I did after 7 years

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It-is-what-it-is.

Yes it is...just keep remembering this. He is showing you who he is...not who you thought right?

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Hi,first time poster here but I have been reading a bunch of other peoples stories on here lately to try and help myself heal or see if anyone else has a similar story as I am having such a hard time dealing with this breakup.

 

Some background info...my fiancé and I were together for seven years. A little bumpy in the beginning of the relationship as we bumped heads a lot and dealt with a lot of trying times back then,but we eventually began seeing eye to eye and things became great, wonderful even. Things progressed, we were looking to buy a house, we got engaged, long story short, we were happy. The house fell though. We took on more debt. I had to work two jobs to help pay the debt down. But we were still happy, and still made time for each other and enjoyed each others company.

 

Fastfoward to the beginning of June of this year......he tells me, out of the blue, he needs some space to figure things out, he loves me but he isn't in love with me any more, we have different things we want out of life, the list goes on and on.....I have NO IDEA where this came from.....NONE WHATSOEVER....so I gave him his space for two weeks, I didn't call him, text him, stop by his house/job...nothing...then on fathers day I went to the bank(joint bank account but my pay check is direct deposited in there) to take out money to take my grandfather out for dinner, and I notice there is less money in there than there should be. I politely text him and asked him "what gives? Im not good enough to talk to, but good enough to use my money? I just want to know what's going on?" Hourse later he finally texted back saying that "he needed some time to see if things had changed and they hadn't. He wants to be friends in the future because im a cool person, but because of my anger from my last text(huh?what anger?) he thinks its too soon." Some more bs, and then he ends it with, "DO NOT CALL ME I WILL NOT ANSWER" like I did something wrong. Still I never once called him. Like once a week I text him because there are financial things we need to split up and I ask if we can talk about those things, but he never answers. His sister still talks to me, and she wants to meet up, at some point I do want to because her and I were friends before my ex and I got together, but she asked that I do not ask her about him. That tells me that she knows something she doesn't want to discuss and that makes me uncomfortable. I have no idea where this all came from. We were in love, planning a wedding,planning our future, and now seven years is gone and it feels like it was for nothing. I for some reason feel like a fool. I am having a VERY hard time with this breakup.

 

 

Were you living together when the breakup occurred?

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RaidDolEm78
Were you living together when the breakup occurred?

 

No, the house we were in the process of buying fell through because it was a short sale and the banks counter offer was higher than we were willing to go....I guess that is one thing to be thankful for because that would have been even more of a headache...

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