wolvie666 Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 I've been dating my fiance for 6.5 years now and we're pretty much as close as two people can be. We got engaged last summer while on vacation in Colorado, but suddenly she is saying she doesn't want me around for a while. She says she needs to decide if I'm really the one for her. As you can imagine I'm not dealing with this very well and am finding it hard to stay away. We were young when we got together, she was only 15 and I was 18. Nobody ever thought we would last this long but we fell madly in love and have pretty munch spent everyday together since. We're both adults now and the flames never really died down until a couple of weeks ago. She's been going out a lot lately (she was never much of a drinker) with her friends and staying out until late at night. I was concerned because it's not typical behavior for her. When I would question her being out so much she would get mad at me, and then she finally said one night last week that she needed me to give her space for a while so she could figure out what she wants. She told me that she doesn't know if we're meant to be. I've tried my best to keep away from her, but it's not easy. I find myself instinctually calling her. I'm worried that I'm gonna lose her. Since we've been apart she's been out at bars every night! Even on weeknights when she has to work the next morning. I talked to her mother about it (they run a business together) and she said that she has not been acting like herself, and has been distant and short tempered. What the hell is going on?? I stopped by her house last Sunday and she seemed genuinely happy to see me and she laid in my arms and hugged me and kissed me and then suddenly told me I had to leave because I'm not being fair by coming over. I felt good when I left because it seemed like she missed me and seeing me made her realize it, but I stopped by again a few days later (with the excuse that I had to pick up some things of mine) and she got mad and told me to leave her alone and that I'm pushing her farther away. I don't know what kind of advice anyone can give me, but I'm lost. This is the girl I thought I was gonna marry and grow old with. Now I'm not sure. Do you think she'll miss me and realize how special what we had was if I leave her alone? Link to post Share on other sites
learnfrommymistake Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 give her her time. you cannot force her to get over this, just be the best you can be, be there for her. dont push her with quesitons like "do you still love me" or "when will it be enough time". When the time is right she will tell you. untll then just be available to her. it does help to limit contact, it allows you both time to think and grow. and yes, you need to think and grow right now too.. find something about yourself to improve, wether it is how you treat her/other people, your health, something. forcing contact will only push her further away. Take this from a man who has probably pushed his wife so far away she may never come back. Work on yourself, let the rest follow! Link to post Share on other sites
pocoestrella Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 [font=times new roman][/font] It sounds to me like your girlfriend has just got a taste of the single ADULT life and is now having second thoughts about being tied down right now... She was only 15 when the two of you met... so she didn't have a lot of life experiance then... she is now 21 (legal drinking age) she went out with her girlfriends to a club and guys were giving her attention... I'm so sorry you're in so much pain in this situation... and I really don't feel it's fair for her to expect you to be on the back burner while she goes out to see what else is out there... however, she has decided she wants her space right now and has become angry about you coming around... so at this point, no matter how hard this is for you.... you are going to have to take a step back and let her be. I know it's so cliche' but you really cannot keep someone who doesn't want to be there, nor make someone love you if they don't... Trust that she will eventually grow tired of the whole club/bar scene everyone does after awhile.... however be prepared as well to let go of her as she may or may not return to you once she is done with her new experiance... Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
rd1978 Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 im going to thru a similar situation right now not all the same but similar,, she is out having fun that she never did,, as much as it sucks you need to let her do this and stay away if she calls thats fin,, but dont call, dont find a reason to stop by,,, she is being immature and irresponsable there is no doubht,,, but you stopping by and calling and whatnot,, prob wont push her away to much but ,, what it will do remind her that you are there waiting { whether you really are or arent} and she can go do what she likes and youll be around,, {A} she is going to do something stpuid and realize how much you mean to her,,, {B} you not calling or talking is goign to lead to her missing you and realizing what you mean to her,, time is a very important issue here ,, you need to remember how young this girl was when you met, and she feels like she is missing out on something when in reality she prob isnt but she needs to find this out for herself,, the more your up her butt the more security she has to drag you around,, you have to ride a fine line you cant be mean but you cant be there every waking moment she needs you,,, you just need to keep yourself busy and keep your mind off her as much as possible,, hope everything works out i have a feeling it will she just need a little reality check,, sounds like she had a taste of fun but you cant have bolth and when the fun is over if she doesnt get her act togethor she will be by herself Link to post Share on other sites
Author wolvie666 Posted June 10, 2004 Author Share Posted June 10, 2004 I'm gonna do my best to just leave her be, I do think that she will notice if I'm not around and start to miss me. I know her better than anybody knows her so I still have hope. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied, being at work doesn't really do it, but I've been going hiking and sitting in front of this computer. Playing violent video games seems sorta therapeutic as well. Although my normal gaming partner isn't around... One thing I forgot to mention that is really driving me crazy and making it harder to stay away is that I know she's been hanging out with all of these idiot drunk dudes. It pissed her off but I checked her voice male and there were messages from like 4 different guys, I don't believe she's cheating on me but it's still an endless worry. She's a really beautiful girl and I know how much attention she gets when shes out. Oh well... Here's hoping its just some kind of weird phase that she will get over quickly because shes even treating her family different than normal. Well, I'm gonna see how long it takes for her to call me. Wish me luck. Link to post Share on other sites
HT_Nut Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 It pissed her off but I checked her voice male and there were messages from like 4 different guys Do you want this girl back, or do you want to keep putting nails in the coffin? Look, if you invade her privacy like this; it only does two things. Drives her away at a greatly accellerated pace, and drives you nuts thinking about what could be going on. During these times there is NOTHING wrong with assuming the best. Maybe start some denial thing or something. But MAN, you can't be checking her e-mail, voice mail, or even ask her where she's been. She wanted to be alone for a while because that's what she wants!! For you to do this just convinces her she made the right decision. Have you ever heard the phrase "don't ask questions you really don't want to know the answers to."? So, how do you feel now that you heard her messages? Pretty crappy huh? Now you are in a spin thinking what could be happening. How would you be if you never heard them; well, probably not nearly as upset. At least, you could live in some level of denial until the pain subsided. But if you keep going and doing crap like that, you will always pick at the scab and you'll never heal. I see sooo many posts about people hacking e-mail, voice mail, etc. Then they are bent out of shape when they find out there are things going on that they really would be happier not knowing in the first place. Then WHY DO YOU LOOK? I don't get the whole invasion of privacy thing. Do people that do that really respect the person they're pursuing? Or do they just feel the loss of a conquest? The latter has nothing to do with love, it's control. It's absolutely a bad thing to break into someone else's privacy PERIOD. For you and for them. Just my thought's. If you don't like them, I'll double the money back you paid for them. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author wolvie666 Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 It's something that we used to do to each other up until a week and a half ago. She checked my email and voice mail. Not to invade my privacy, but because that's how close we were. I understand what you're saying, but you gotta understand that I've spent practically everyday of the last 6.5 years with this girl, everything in my life has been thrown out of balance. I respect her more than any person on this earth and am waiting as paitently as I possibly can. And I only checked her voice mail 2 or 3 times, I haven't in days because I'm trying to be strong. The temptation is very real to get in my car and see where she is right now (I'm sure she's at a bar) but I just have to restrain. Stings pretty bad. I just see that smile in my head imagine my hands on her cheeks. I never treated her like anything but a princess. She was so happy when I gave her that ring (that I just finished paying off!) that she bawled for hours. This whole thing just sucks so bad I can't believe it's real. Link to post Share on other sites
HT_Nut Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 I know where you're coming from. Really, I do. But you have to restrain yourself from that in the future. Maybe you could just send her a text asking her to change her password during this tough time for you. Just tell her that you have mostly up moments; but occasionally down moments. During those down moments, you get tempted to do stuff you shouldn't. Changing her password would keep her privacy and keep you from hearing things you don't want to hear. Know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
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