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GF of 5 years married someone else a month later.?.


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wellthereyago

so I wanted to get some feedback from the community on my situation.

so here is my story in a nutshell:

 

 

i have been dating a girl for the last 5 years and everything seemed to be great. we communicated well and had been friends for another 3 years before we started dating. we never really fought except a couple of times when i just refused to talk to her while she was overreacting. even then i suggested she calm down and then we would talk - which only happened twice and both times we calmly talked things out after she composed herself.

 

 

well back in November of 2012 i left my executive position to start my own business. also her dad has been very sick with terminal cancer and on my last day of work she called and said i needed to get to the hospital quickly (about 1 1/2 hours away). so when i got there they gave us the news that he only had 2 to 3 days to live. so once we got back home and got him settled her mother had her dad make her promise to move in with her mother and take care of her (emotionally and financially) after he died.

 

 

i didn't really want to upset her even more by discussing this during this emotional time. so i just accepted that things would be tense until after he passed and then we would figure things out from there. well 6 months of living with her mother and very stressful work environment she just snaps. she shows up at my house and attempts to break things off. we talked about it and we decided i was just going to give her some time and space. over the next 2 weeks we talked and texted but she kept telling me she would get very worked up with anxiety when i called or she tried to call me. so finally i told her i would just back completely off (No Contact) but i was still going to be there if she needed me.

 

 

2 weeks later i found out that she got married the day before. basically my sister (that didn't know we were having problems) saw pictures on the internet of her at a wedding. so as i was explaining the situation to my sister and i get a phone call from my girlfriend's phone. so i answered it and it was her 5 year old daughter saying first she missed me and wanted to come to my house. then she said "mommy got a new wife yesterday" then the 9 year old daughter said "mommy got married to .... yesterday so we won't ever come back to my house -- i'm sorry". when i asked to speak to their mother and when they told her i wanted to talk to her she hung up on me. i called back once and she sent me to voicemail. so the next day she changed her number but then gave it to 2 of our friends.

 

 

3 weeks ago (after 30 days of No Contact) I sent her a text about getting personal belongings back and also needed to know when she was going to take care of a bank loan that I had signed for her a week before this all started. she acted insulted that I couldn't trust her to keep paying it for the next 2 years. I didn't argue and just asked her to take care of it (which she still hasn't done.)

 

 

she was a drama queen before we started dating but i thought she had grown out of that over the years.

btw the guy she married works with her mother and is 15 years older than her (she is 30).

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I'm not the best person to comment or give out advice but I just wanted to say that I feel for you. It's clear she is going through a really really difficult time and getting married after a month does sound really erratic.

 

So yeah, I'm not sure what to say other than that it would probably be smart to keep contact as low as possible. Also though I know this might be difficult and hurt; if her children call again, I would not ask to pass the telephone to your ex. It seems kind of odd and I think it would be better to just try and explain that they cannot call you again... again I'm really sorry that this happened to you.

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JustAReformedGirl

What happened to you truly sucks, but I don't think there's really much that can be done, now.

 

As far as belongings go, get that out of the way, and then I'd say go NC. You were with her for five years, and despite all the strife she was going through, that is no excuse for her doing what she did. She didn't officially break up with you, she didn't give you any explanation...she just went ahead, and got married to someone else.

 

Therefore, you don't owe her anything. It hurts, and it sucks...but, I think the best thing to do is grieve, and move on.

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wtf.

 

i think you may win best story i've read so far.

 

but yeah, i mean, what even could you do at this point? if your belongings aren't replaceable, get them, if not...forget them. and the bank loan...be prepared for it to fall back on you because she likely isn't going to handle it. people can be surprising though, and handle their responsibilities like that after a breakup, but i would prepare for that NOT to happen.

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HOLY. CRAP.

 

I have no good advice.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

Please don't let this burn you for future women.

 

Sorry, just can't stop thinking "HOLY COW."

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wellthereyago

yea pretty messed up huh... I am trying to move on with my life but honestly after 5 years together and never a doubt in my mind that we would get married one day is difficult to get a new routine to say the least. I have mostly moved past wondering if she will contact me at some point to say she made a mistake and wanting to come back home but it does still pop up in my mind on occasion. It has been 3 weeks today since the last text messages about the loan and even though she is paying it at this point I don't suspect her to keep that up for much longer. I appreciate the feedback and comments on my situation.

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I have heard that people are doing strange things at their grieving but this is totally incomprehensible.

I cannot think that for some reason:

1. he preferred him for emotional support over you

2. her deceased father or her mother want her to be married with him

3. she had an affair with him before breaking up with you.

 

well you cannot do a lot of things and I am really sorry.

The drama queen you mentioned sums everything up. These kind of people, are always unhappy. No matter how happy a situation is, they always end up to subconsciously do the thing that will hurt them the most. They cannot live without drama. At some point in future she might realized that she did mistake and because this will feed her dramatic needs, she will feel guilty and if you have moved on, then she will chase you like crazy. Yes the fact that she got married doesn't seem to count a lot.

 

Well for the time being don't do anything and even if she comes back my opinion is to move on. It is totally different thing to find someone else (which I wouldn't forgive either but let's say it was acceptable) than to marry him.

 

Just contact her for your personal belongings or make a common friend to go and ask for them

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A little confused....

 

You stated that the daughter told you that, " Mommy got a new wife"

 

I'm thinking, "Okay, dealing with a lesbian relationship here."

 

But, you finish the post with this GUY is 15 years her senior.

 

So, I'm a little confused here.....

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no offense but how is she a winner/marriage material in the first place?

 

she was a drama queen

2 kids that were not yours

obviously dates losers

 

sounds like you saved yourself from being a future member of the separation and divorce forums... i'd take being a member of the breakup forums anyday over that forum

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wellthereyago

You made some points that actually fit even though i didnt post some of the details.

The guy she married has worked with her mother for years (he is 15 years older) and he has known their family since she was a kid. He is recently divorced (less than a year) and her mother just thinks he hung the moon. Her mother is emotionally abusive towards my ex and uses religion to guilt her into whatever she wants. Her mother and i have had words over how she talked to ex (but that was never a problem when she needed me to pay their bills every month.)

Now her dad is still alive and i personally think her mother set up the marriage so quickly so that her dad could see her get mrried before he passes away. I think she used the whole Gods plan thing to convince her this was what she needed to do. And im sure i got mentioned that if i hadnt married her in 5 years then i wsnt going to happen.

Now lastly we were both agnostic when all this started and now all of a sudden she is super christian wife/mother. Telling our friends that God just put him in her life. Nothing wrong with making a religious change but it seems pretty drastic considering how she was so adiment just a few weeks ago about tht part of her life.

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wellthereyago

lol no not a lesbian relationship that is just what she said to me. She is only 5 and doesnt understand why she cant see me anymore

 

Agreed this seems crazy at this point but the entire time we were together was good. I wish i could turn it off but that is easier said than done. Belive me i understand logically i dodged a bullet by not getting married to her but it still hurts to be used and tossed away.

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  • 1 month later...
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wellthereyago

I don't know if anyone is still following this thread but here is a quick update.

so recently I got a call from someone that has talked to my ex a couple of times lately and it seems there is more to the story now... basically there was talk for raging hormones and a lot of hints (body language) that she is pregnant. if that is the case then it actually explains a lot. all the depression and anxiety (especially if she was cheating) and all the getting sick during the day right after all this started. honestly if it is true it kind of gives me some closure to the situation that I really didn't have before. I had really accepted that I would probably not ever know why she really left but now it kind of makes sense.

anyway I also wanted to add time does heal all and I honestly feel worlds better than I did even 2 months ago when I last posted. so anyone going thru a similar or lesser situation please know that eventually you will heal you just have to just keep pushing thru all the pain.

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Like almost everything in life, it's all about perspective. Here I was mulling over my situation, reading the forums to "bond" with a bunch of caring strangers over not being alone in how I feel when I read YOUR story... All of a sudden I get a new perspective. Everyone's pain is the worst in the world to them but yours dude, I cannot imagine. All of a sudden I realized how much worst some people have and how small my problems are in comparison. And to hear you say that you are better after 2 months just proves that time does heal it all. I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to send some positive vibes your way man. You are obviously strong so keep hanging in there. I don't know you but I'm proud of you for not losing you sh*t over this. A lot of people would.

Edited by drdre
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wellthereyago

I had someone tell me one time that the only difference between all problems is that I have to go home and deal with mine at the end of the day. I think that is true and have thought of that many times as I have heard this is an extreme situation from many of my friends and from these online communities. I appreciate your kind words and we are lucky to live in an age where we have such great communities of understanding and sympathetic people to help us all on our journey and I am very thankful for that each and every day.

I am a firm believer that if it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger and honestly after my divorce I set out to be a partner that only an idiot would leave. that journey had many benefits for not only her, the kids, and me but each of our families, my ex wife and her family, co-workers etc. so I can't just quit now. I can't say some days aren't rough or that I'm completely over everything yet but I can say I do see some light up ahead and the really dark places seem less scary now.

I don't know your situation and believe me I understand and appreciate it is probably the worst thing you have been thru but just know it gets better if you become better. Again thank you for your reply and I wish you all the best as you move forward.

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Thank that same God friend, you dodged a bullet, she's his problem now. Things can be replaced, go crickets on her, you can do so much better than her. Your better off alone than with someone as shallow as her.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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wellthereyago

well her dad passed away a couple of days ago. after a lot of thought on the situation I didn't see any good coming out of me going to the visitation or the funeral so I didn't attend either... I hope that isn't something I regret later

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I think you were right not to go to the funeral or visitation. My grandmother just passed away, and I didn't tell my ex about any of the arrangements. We had still been in LC, and I did tell him she had died but only because he made a point to visit her after we had gotten the news her cancer was terminal. That was 3 weeks before she died, and I did appreciate him doing that.

 

We had been together 3 years, so he was pretty close with my family. I just felt it would be inappropriate for him to be at the funeral because emotions are already high at that time. He never asked when it was, and I never offered the information. It's just a sad fact that when you break up, you go your separate ways with all things. It seems like another reminder that someone who was once such a part of your life is now not even a friend. He was the dumper by the way.

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  • 1 month later...
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wellthereyago

I don't know if anyone is still following this thread but I did want to update it and get some feedback on my current thoughts and feelings. Before anyone posts "just get over it" please understand I really thought this woman and I would be together the rest of our lives and also after much inner reflection I have accepted that I need to feel like I have some understanding of what happened so I can continue healing from this and move on. I really wish I could just forget her and move on but even after 5 months I still have days where it bothers me more than others but overall I do feel I have made a lot of progress considering everything that has happened.

 

A couple of days ago I ran into my ex gf, her new husband, and a friend of hers at a local eatery. We were just picking up dinner and as I opened the door I noticed the friend and honestly thought she was there with her nephew but it was actually my ex (she now has her hair cut very short and looks like a young boy and she had her back to me) but as soon as I saw it was my ex I backed out and we went and sat in the car until they paid and left. I really didn't see her husband until they came outside and began looking around (i'm sure the friend saw me and said something to her).

 

I didn't feel like I was ready to see her face to face so I chose to avoid for the time being. I still feel like I made the right decision for me and how I currently feel. I do admit I didn't have an appetite after that and yesterday was still kind of rough until I got to the gym and really took out some aggression but today I actually feel much better about the whole thing.

 

Anyway later that night I just kept thinking "what kind of person does it take to do a complete 180 degree on being so in love and happy to marrying someone else" so I began Google-ing some of her behavior to try and understand. The more I read the more I am now leaning towards her having a borderline personality disorder (BPD). Now I am not trying to put blame off of myself at all but I just can't think of anything I did to make her act or react the way she did. So after reading a lot on the BPD issue it started to make more and more sense to me. Considering her work stress (not getting along with her co-workers), her father's terminal cancer, and me leaving my high paying job (yes I gain a lot of my identity from my work) I think she began to lose respect and desire for me and our relationship.

 

Couple all of that with the manipulative mother (did a lot of reading on that subject too and it was very eye opening) pushing her to get married and take care of her after her dad's death everything seemed more clear to me.

With all that said I think the way I process things like this is to learn as much about it as I can and try to learn from the situation but it also keeps me in the cycle of "over thinking" everything that has happened. This is what really helped me get thru my divorce and ultimately it hurt a lot more in the beginning but I also feel I'm so much better off and better prepared after that process.

 

Anyway I just wanted to get this out of my system and like I said maybe get some feedback from the community here. Thanks in advance and I look forward to your responses.

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Wellthereyago:

Actually I don't think anyone is just going to say "Get over it." This situation was ended with such finality and without any closure so it is understandable that you are having trouble coming to terms with everything.

I agree that there was probably something with her personality, and I would also like to add to that if she is a fundamentalist Christian with parents who "guilted" her into things, she could have been very pliable to their demands. Many people in unhealthy religious homes are molded and brainwashed into thinking that dogmas and ideologies are the cornerstone of personal and sociological choices.

This is a process. You weren't in a relationship for five months or a couple of years, but five years. You are going to be fine. You will come out of it with the knowledge that this relationship's demise was irrational and has no real reasoning behind it. This was chaos, a weakness of her character and family dynamics that you had no control over.

Please give yourself whatever time you need but know that you may never get any reason or closure on the matter. Now, you have to figure out how to heal from this break-up without it.

In Support,

Grumps

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I think you dodged a bullet!

 

She was interested as long as you made good money? What the heck is that about? Certainly not love, honor or respect!

 

She's proven she's not to be trusted! What is attractive about that?

 

And 5 years with her? Don't you think you would have married her by now IF you couldn't live without her? But that wasn't the case.

 

 

And she has 2 kids from other men at a young age? Choose wiser for yourself! She's BPD and drama? And a controlling mother and 2 kids? NO, NO, NO!

 

Sheez, get busy being grateful someone ELSE married her!

 

But make her get that loan switched over! Or else file a lawsuit against her.

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Uhm... about you thinking she has BPD.... Don't go down that road. One of mine actualy had it, diagnosed and all. Bottom line is you can't fix it, no matter how hard you try. I found out the hard way......

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