LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

So this is why I will never get closure from her...


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree25Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 17th June 2013, 6:33 AM   #16
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,008
jabbz I think from the article above if you take one thing from it then her comment below is so very true...It's like this woman met my ex and then wrote an article about her..Just focus on the bolded line when you find yourself obsessing..

"For these women, finding a new boyfriend/husband/emotional punching bag is the equivalent of the “geographic cure” described in Alcoholics Anonymous—it’s their attempt to get a fresh start with a new partner. However, like the AA saying states, “Wherever you go, there you are.” In others words, they will continue to take the same problems, behaviors and craziness into each new relationship because they are the primary source of their relationship problems, not their most recent ex.
I know it’s difficult to accept that all the time and energy you wasted on this woman was to no avail, but that’s just the way it is. If you had a car that kept breaking down all the time, would you continue to pay for repairs for 20 years in the hopes that it would suddenly become a reliable car or would you figure out it’s a lemon and sell it for scrap metal? It’s kind of the same thing"

Or if you are hoping the 'truth' will enlighten her and set her free...

"The truth is like shark repellent or shining a light on a cockroach to these women–they scatter pretty quickly. They “can’t handle the truth” to the point where it causes them somatic pain. That’s how primitive and powerful their defenses are. Hearing the truth is experienced as a physical blow.

For a healthy person, hearing and/or speaking the truth is freeing—even if it’s something you don’t want to acknowledge at first because it’s painful. Speaking the truth takes away the fear of whatever your imagined worst consequence is. For an emotionally abusive NPD and/or BPD woman, the truth coming out is the worst thing that could happen"
jabbzy64 likes this.

Last edited by Mack05; 17th June 2013 at 7:01 AM..
Mack05 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2013, 7:27 AM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by mutantswordfish View Post
Another classic example of LS counselling in progress.

It wouldnt be that 'simple' if it happpened to you, would it now ?

Hint: Next time, show a little bit empathy!
Thank you!
jabbzy64 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2013, 7:31 AM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mack05 View Post
jabbz I think from the article above if you take one thing from it then her comment below is so very true...It's like this woman met my ex and then wrote an article about her..Just focus on the bolded line when you find yourself obsessing..

"For these women, finding a new boyfriend/husband/emotional punching bag is the equivalent of the “geographic cure” described in Alcoholics Anonymous—it’s their attempt to get a fresh start with a new partner. However, like the AA saying states, “Wherever you go, there you are.” In others words, they will continue to take the same problems, behaviors and craziness into each new relationship because they are the primary source of their relationship problems, not their most recent ex.
I know it’s difficult to accept that all the time and energy you wasted on this woman was to no avail, but that’s just the way it is. If you had a car that kept breaking down all the time, would you continue to pay for repairs for 20 years in the hopes that it would suddenly become a reliable car or would you figure out it’s a lemon and sell it for scrap metal? It’s kind of the same thing"

Or if you are hoping the 'truth' will enlighten her and set her free...

"The truth is like shark repellent or shining a light on a cockroach to these women–they scatter pretty quickly. They “can’t handle the truth” to the point where it causes them somatic pain. That’s how primitive and powerful their defenses are. Hearing the truth is experienced as a physical blow.

For a healthy person, hearing and/or speaking the truth is freeing—even if it’s something you don’t want to acknowledge at first because it’s painful. Speaking the truth takes away the fear of whatever your imagined worst consequence is. For an emotionally abusive NPD and/or BPD woman, the truth coming out is the worst thing that could happen"
yeah she used to blame all the bad things that happened to her on the town she lived... I told her that whereever she moves.. she takes her mind with her... which will always be the problem. I know I will come out of this wiser and stronger. It will take time and hard work on my part!
Emilia and Mack05 like this.
jabbzy64 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2013, 7:36 AM   #19
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,008
Quote:
Originally Posted by jabbzy64 View Post
It will take time and hard work on my part!
Ata Boy! That's the spirit. You ever need to chat going forward PM me..it gets worse before it gets better but you'll get there..
Emilia and jabbzy64 like this.
Mack05 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2013, 7:58 AM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 62
appreciate it.

if I ever get a real low down day. I will pm you.

again, thanks for the support. A little empathy (WITHOUT SUGARCOATING) goes a long long way for me.

Emilia and Mack05 like this.
jabbzy64 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2013, 8:16 AM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 98
Thank for posting that link jabby. One of the stories mentioned constantly being told "there you go putting it all back on me" and "it's always about you." Wow! My ex used to say that to me on a regular basis. I used to think how can he say that when it was always about him. He was only interested in what I had to say when he was losing me and was doing it to suck me back in again. When I pointed out an issue with him I was always accused of putting things on him. What a crock of bull! I would sit there for hours listening to his monologues, so how on earth was it "always about me?" I could barely get a word in edge wise and when I tried it was usually invalidated immediately.

It's funny though because I'm pretty sure he would never admit this and would turn it around and accuse me of having BPD or NPD. I definitely DO NOT. I have my issues at times, but a personality disorder is definitely not one of them.
avelonia2013 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2013, 10:10 AM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 951
Quote:
Originally Posted by jabbzy64 View Post
yeah know how that feels...

she had sent me a text 3 days prior telling me that she loved me and would hold my hand during future ****storms... 3 days later... she shut me out.
closure to a bpd is Ego death.

makes us feel ****... not even a goodbye? what was all that unconditional love talk?
a trap...
That's so weird, exact same thing for me, before she left she was saying how much she loved me, how sorry she was for a few things in the past and said she would be there for me through everything from now on, made me cry reading it a the time, a few days later it's back to not being happy again, not being in love with me anymore, i think subconsciously she got her kicks out of playing on my insecurities, she said a lot things I felt she knew would play on my mind and never once did she feel guilty for that and try to take them back, I think accepting what she said is one of the hardest things to get over, I feel it'll be hard to trust and feel comfortable with someone again, I really opened myself with her and gave her my heart, I wish she would of cherished that.
SimonSerenade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2013, 11:47 AM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 951
Maybe some professional counselling would help in situations like this, I've recently self refered myself for some as I've been with 2 of these kind of women, one was officially diagnosed with bpd (the mother of my child), the other I knew suffered some form of degree of this condition but would be in and out of admiting it and I think it's just taken its toll on me.

The mother of my child was very unstable, would lash out with more than words, literally the littlest thing would set her off, she terrified me, often times the look on her face suggested she was going to kill me, she would push me, pin me up to a wall, she would scream and shout the house down, I think the emotional abuse was the worst though, she didn't feel good about herself unless I felt bad about myself, that was one thing she once admitted to me, I stood by her until she did her damage and left.

My recent ex showed all the emotional instability and attitude traits that hallmark this and similar conditions, she was like a stone at times and we all know the saying about getting blood from a stone, I was scared of seeing her at times as i felt if she was in one of her moods she might get physically violent like my ex did, I tried being there for her and I tried to understand her feelings but sometimes it was so unbearable that I had to put up a strong emotional wall just to protect myself from her attitude.

I don't know what it is that attracts these women to me and indeed what attracts me to these women, maybe I just need to feel needed and I think in the end I will be loved and thanked for all my efforts and standing by them, maybe it's as much about me as it is about them, I accepted being treated in a poor unstable way there for fuelling the fire, I think in these relationships you have to expect to lose a lot emotionally, you have to cut back yor expectations so you can't be let down by them, they lack the emotional maturity to see what it is that makes a serious relationship work, time and time again I questioned myself "why am I asking for something that I should never have to ask for?", my answer, these people have no sense of right or wrong, they only have a sense of them being right, you could have all the facts, figures and everything that suggests otherwise infront of them but to them Paris will always be the capital of Japan, simple things will never be just that to these people.

It's hard to accept and it's hard to understand as you naturally assume they're doing this just to be cruel when in reality, they just don't know any better and one day you come to accept that and learn its not about you, it's them, just like it was all throughout your time with them, don't waste your life hoping for guilt or remorse on their part because its never going to happen, after all, can you recall a time when they showed those emotions?, probably not.

Last edited by SimonSerenade; 17th June 2013 at 11:51 AM..
SimonSerenade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th June 2013, 12:09 PM   #24
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,008
Simon a lot of what you just said is correct and is stated in the article that Jabbzy attached to his first post on this thread.


"Attempting to obtain closure with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic and/or borderline woman is always a maddening exercise in futility. You will never get closure with this kind of woman. NEVER. First, she doesn’t meet the three most important prerequisites for giving and receiving closure:
  1. A reasonable degree of sanity.
  2. A foothold in reality.
  3. Empathy.
Being able to give an ex closure means you’re able to accept your responsibility for the demise of the relationship and when has your BPD and/or NPD ex ever taken responsibility for her behavior, especially when she was clearly in the wrong? Don’t you remember how she would rewrite ancient and recent history when you were together by portraying herself as the long suffering heroine and you as the terrible ogre, after every nasty blow-up, attack or cold shoulder episode that she initiated? Do you really think she’s going to admit to any of the relationship atrocities she committed during the relationship now that it’s over?

I hate to break it to you, but if you’re waiting for this to happen or, heaven forbid, an apology from this woman; IT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. If you try to get closure from your NPD and/or BPD ex by detailing the many ways she hurt and tortured you, she’s not going to acknowledge what she did. Instead, she’ll puff herself up, look at you like you’re the crazy one, and mystifyingly tell you, “I was a wonderful and loving wife or girlfriend. How dare you say these things to me? You must be crazy or someone’s brainwashed you. Don’t you remember how good I was to you and the many things I did for you?”

Reading that was not news for me. My ex before last gave me closure so that leads me to believe whatever her emotional issues are, I don't believe (anymore) it to be BPD, but honestly I would just be guessing. I just don't know. She is an extremely bright girl. I think she absorbs information like a spounge and I honestly feel that she is going to figure out how to be happy one way or another. I know (whether she realises this or not) that she has learnt a VAST amount from me. I used to take comfort in that, but now I coudn't care less, just hope she is happy and doing well.

My last ex I view differently. I know that article was written about her and women like her. She never gave me/us closure despite quite a few attempts to make peace. Now do you think she could recognise those VERY obvious behaviours in herself? Not a chance. I lost count how many times I tried to show her that she was never accountable. I was convinced I would be the guy to open her eyes, that made her realise why things happened they way they happened in her life. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, has a beak and feathers like a duck then its usually a duck!

She did what the article said she would. Launched a complex defense mechanism (involving projection, gaslighting and denial) and tried to convince me I was the looney one. Articles like the one Jabbyz attached and this one here -> Will My Emotionally Abusive Girlfriend or Wife Be Different With the New Guy? | A Shrink for Men tell me what path she is headed towards. I feel for her and always will. I feel for her cause she never had the great life I had. I don't believe her patterns will ever change. Cest La vie.

I finally let go, understanding in the end I won't be the guy that opens her eyes. She hates me more than anyone, because I know the 'real' her. She gets this too in some ways. I can't see how its possible she gets emotionally healthy and self aware to the extent of her issues. The damage is done and it appears to be irreversible. In layman's terms she is a total fruitloop and you can't have an adult conversation with a fruitloop. I mean if you see a guy on the street screaming and roaring at himself are you going to go over and try talk some sense into him? No, trying to talk sense to these girls is the same futile effort (i.e it's pointess).

I can't fix her, but I can fix me. I know why I was attracted to her, why she was attacted to me and my ex before her. I know all the signs and I know how to go about the process of finding a healthy partner and trying to maintain a healthy relationship. Sure some might say I am naive. I don't agree. I learnt the hard way and have become a better, stronger more knowledgeable person in the process. You say you are not sure why you fell for these girls. That is the next step..To know exactly why. Once you know that you will see the red flags a mile off in the future..

Last edited by Mack05; 17th June 2013 at 12:39 PM..
Mack05 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2013, 2:53 AM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 62
so..

i got a red light at triffick today.

i wanted to turn left so bad to my ex's house..

but I was strong and chose to turn right.

It's hard... but turning right is the road to recovery!
Emilia and Mack05 like this.
jabbzy64 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Could this be closure? PandorasBox General Relationship Discussion 3 18th November 2010 12:33 PM
Closure? LostInLimbo Breaks and Breaking Up 1 16th June 2010 2:31 AM
Here I am again or closure? wheelwright The Other Man / Woman 167 23rd May 2010 12:02 AM
Getting Closure trippi1432 Separation and Divorce 58 1st May 2010 5:32 PM
Do I have a right to closure? Guest Dating 11 13th March 2007 5:06 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:01 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.