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So this is why I will never get closure from her...


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what type of closure are you looking for?

 

It's really simple, its over... process this on your own and move forward

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SimonSerenade

Thanks so much for this man, actually brought me to tears reading it as its my situation right now, my ex would be mean for no reason at all and justify it, my ex wouldn't see what she did wrong when she did and instead of consoling me and asking for forgiveness she would blame me for it instead and accuse me of x y and z.

 

I went through some pretty bad stuff when I was with her, I would of really loved for her to have been there for me through it all, sadly she wasn't there, she wasn't supportive, she wasn't sweet, just added to it almost as if she wanted my pain to be focused solely on her.

 

At least now I don't have to ask and beg for apologies, all the simple things turned so complex with her, every mistake she made she would make again and again all the while thinking she wasn't doing wrong, she dumped me over a text and that was the last I heard of her, I should of seen the signs and walked away a long time a go, it was red flag after red flag, she even resented me for asking her to marry me in the first place, such a beautiful thing turned to crap but I saw who she really was underneath and couldnt walk away from that wonderful person.

 

I truly hope she one day recognises her problems and gets help and support for it, she's such a wonderful amazing sensetive person underneath, I truly believe if she can open herself up and be honest with her emotions she can learn about the nature of her actions and one day have all the special things inside her to make a special relationship work out for her.

 

It feels so good to talk about it and let it out, thanks man.

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marqueemoon4

Yeah, Tara Palmatier writes a lot of articles on this.. I tried to do phone counseling with her due to my situation with my crazy ex wife, unfortunately she doesn't take insurance and charges something like $150hr.

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You are welcome

 

I was simply sharing this as I have been a wreck as to how she could go from loving my so much to just doing a ninja act on me.

 

It's been 1 month now and it gets easier a little bit over time.. but I am like a yoyo at times... up and down.

 

Reading that kinda made me feel a bit better... knowing that it's not something personal.. it's just the way she is because of BPD. doesn't mean it's excusable.. but at least I know why.

 

I hope mine too gets the help she needs and doesn't continue to abuse prescription drugs and her body.

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SimonSerenade

That too was one of the hardest things for me to accept, last time I saw her we had a great day together, sparks of love flying everywhere, next thing her feelings for me change once again and I'm out on my ass, as simple as that, its emotionally exhausting not knowing what you mean to someone on a daily basis let alone feeling their going to walk out of your life at any moment.

 

It was hell, there was no excusing it but when your emotionally abused like that you stick around hoping they'll heal you because their the only ones who can.

 

Under normal circumstances I'd hate someone like that but I know under the surface it isn't who she is and that takes away all the hate and fills the void with sadness instead, it's sad to know I'll never know what I meant to her and I'll never see or hear from her again unless she initiates it, she just ignored my calls and texts like I didn't even exist, I'm a wreck but like you, it gets better after time has passed but still very much like a yoyo, up and down all the time.

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That too was one of the hardest things for me to accept, last time I saw her we had a great day together, sparks of love flying everywhere, next thing her feelings for me change once again and I'm out on my ass, as simple as that, its emotionally exhausting not knowing what you mean to someone on a daily basis let alone feeling their going to walk out of your life at any moment.

 

It was hell, there was no excusing it but when your emotionally abused like that you stick around hoping they'll heal you because their the only ones who can.

 

Under normal circumstances I'd hate someone like that but I know under the surface it isn't who she is and that takes away all the hate and fills the void with sadness instead, it's sad to know I'll never know what I meant to her and I'll never see or hear from her again unless she initiates it, she just ignored my calls and texts like I didn't even exist, I'm a wreck but like you, it gets better after time has passed but still very much like a yoyo, up and down all the time.

 

 

yeah know how that feels...

 

she had sent me a text 3 days prior telling me that she loved me and would hold my hand during future ****storms... 3 days later... she shut me out.

closure to a bpd is Ego death.

 

makes us feel ****... not even a goodbye? what was all that unconditional love talk?

a trap...

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yeah know how that feels...

 

she had sent me a text 3 days prior telling me that she loved me and would hold my hand during future ****storms... 3 days later... she shut me out.

closure to a bpd is Ego death.

 

what was all that unconditional love talk?

a trap...

 

It wasn't a trap. She felt it, but she has the emotional maturity of a child. She is ignorant to what real love is. She is ignorant on how to build a real lasting happy relationship from the foundations up. Life has never thought her these skills. She has never experienced it growing up, she has bounded from one unstable relationship to another because of childhood and life circumstances, living her life in a state of denial.

 

She is like a child, dreaming of unattianable dreams. There is an incredible innocence and naviety about these girls. Despite all the setbacks they still believe in this 'perfect' love that is coming their way. What they feel to recognise is nothing good in life comes without hard work and sacrifice. They haven't truly put the hard personal work into themselves (REALLY turning it inwards), so because of this they will automatically attract emotionally unhealthy men. Emotionally unhealthy men will tell these girls what they went to hear. It's like a manipulation tactic to make them stay.

 

Even with hard work and sacrifice relationships require commitment and skill (communication being a huge one) to flourish. Two qualities they sadly lack, especially when life gets hard. When life gets hard the dream is no longer perfect, they will start to get uncomfortable, uneasy. In my case I was depending on two people who were never going to be dependable..

 

She feel for you so hard, because for a brief time she thought she could have all those dreams with you. There is nothing real in this bond. It's a bond based on fantasy not reality. A bond based fiction, not on foundation. It's two people showing the other a 'facade' and two people falling in love with the facade and not the real person behind the facade.

 

I went through the EXACT same process you are going through now. As of RIGHT now you have to try not to get to hung up on the BPD thing. I agree with posters who say none of us are professionals. I like the extreme emotional instability. I think it's a term that covers the behaviours of these kind of women.

 

A book I recommend is How to break your addiction to a person. Not sure if you are codependent but 'codependency no more' is a great book too. If you are spiritual 'the power of now' is a good read. Just don't bother reading up on BPD anymore. You know her issues and it is comforting when you gain an understanding of what went on, except you never truly will. You are not meant to understand her thought process's. Think of yourselves like two different waves on an oscilloscope that never cross. You can't help her. Only she can help herself and whether she does or not is no longer your business.

 

Right now you are doing the EXACT time thing I did. All your focus is on her (and behaviours you will never understand) and not on you. You know what happened me in the same scenario. I ran right into another woman who suffered from extreme emotional instability.

 

The two back to back toxic relationships combined forced me to reevaluate. I took 18 months off the dating the scene. The whole time still struggling to let go of both crazy relationships. There is a reason for that and understanding that reason has helped me become a far more emotionally rounded person. Right now you are as bad as she is and unless you acknowledge that and do something about that your life will be no different to hers. At endless quest to find something you ain't ever going to find. Toxic relationship and toxic relationship.

 

Here are two more articles on BPD. Please let these be the last articles you read on the topic. Instead go to therapy. Find out what is REALLY wrong with you and fix it. You have to start the process of letting this go. I couldn't and its cost me two years of potentially meeting the right girl. I ain't young either..Is that what you want? It's the reason I post on these threads and will always try to. DONT make the same mistakes as me..If you remember one line from this post let this be it. FOCUS ON YOU...Drill it in still it stays in..

 

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.

T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York

Edited by Mack05
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From my Main man Downtown....

 

"until a BPDer learns how to trust herself, she is incapable of trusting anyone else for an extended period. It took me 15 years to learn that, when a person is unable to trust ME, I can never really trust HER -- because she can turn on me at any time (and certainly will eventually). This means there is no basis on which to build a friendship because -- as Dreaming explained -- trust is the foundation on which all friendships must be built"

 

From my main girl Susan Elliot..(getting past your breakup)

 

"2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours".

Edited by Mack05
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I think the key to conquer this successfully is to accept her perspective as valid. She is the way she is and she won't change for you. It doesn't make her a bad person, just the kind you can't have a stable relationship with. Once I accepted this I stopped struggling with it.

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It wasn't a trap. She felt it, but she has the emotional maturity of a child. She is ignorant to what real love is. She is ignorant on how to build a real lasting happy relationship from the foundations up. Life has never thought her these skills. She has never experienced it growing up, she has bounded from one unstable relationship to another because of childhood and life circumstances, living her life in a state of denial.

 

She is like a child, dreaming of unattianable dreams. There is an incredible innocence and naviety about these girls. Despite all the setbacks they still believe in this 'perfect' love that is coming their way. What they feel to recognise is nothing good in life comes without hard work and sacrifice. They haven't truly put the hard personal work into themselves (REALLY turning it inwards), so because of this they will automatically attract emotionally unhealthy men. Emotionally unhealthy men will tell these girls what they went to hear. It's like a manipulation tactic to make them stay.

 

Even with hard work and sacrifice relationships require commitment and skill (communication being a huge one) to flourish. Two qualities they sadly lack, especially when life gets hard. When life gets hard the dream is no longer perfect, they will start to get uncomfortable, uneasy. In my case I was depending on two people who were never going to be dependable..

 

She feel for you so hard, because for a brief time she thought she could have all those dreams with you. There is nothing real in this bond. It's a bond based on fantasy not reality. A bond based fiction, not on foundation. It's two people showing the other a 'facade' and two people falling in love with the facade and not the real person behind the facade.

 

I went through the EXACT same process you are going through now. As of RIGHT now you have to try not to get to hung up on the BPD thing. I agree with posters who say none of us are professionals. I like the extreme emotional instability. I think it's a term that covers the behaviours of these kind of women.

 

A book I recommend is How to break your addiction to a person. Not sure if you are codependent but 'codependency no more' is a great book too. If you are spiritual 'the power of now' is a good read. Just don't bother reading up on BPD anymore. You know her issues and it is comforting when you gain an understanding of what went on, except you never truly will. You are not meant to understand her thought process's. Think of yourselves like two different waves on an oscilloscope that never cross. You can't help her. Only she can help herself and whether she does or not is no longer your business.

 

Right now you are doing the EXACT time thing I did. All your focus is on her (and behaviours you will never understand) and not on you. You know what happened me in the same scenario. I ran right into another woman who suffered from extreme emotional instability.

 

The two back to back toxic relationships combined forced me to reevaluate. I took 18 months off the dating the scene. The whole time still struggling to let go of both crazy relationships. There is a reason for that and understanding that reason has helped me become a far more emotionally rounded person. Right now you are as bad as she is and unless you acknowledge that and do something about that your life will be no different to hers. At endless quest to find something you ain't ever going to find. Toxic relationship and toxic relationship.

 

Here are two more articles on BPD. Please let these be the last articles you read on the topic. Instead go to therapy. Find out what is REALLY wrong with you and fix it. You have to start the process of letting this go. I couldn't and its cost me two years of potentially meeting the right girl. I ain't young either..Is that what you want? It's the reason I post on these threads and will always try to. DONT make the same mistakes as me..If you remember one line from this post let this be it. FOCUS ON YOU...Drill it in still it stays in..

 

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.

T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York

 

 

You are 100% right. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge on these relationships and women.

 

I'm going to take a break from dating. after reading that article.. I now realise she was just filling a void in me during the idealization stage as I was very receptive to it at that stage in my life... after every break up.. I was hoping to return to that.

 

sigh...

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I think the key to conquer this successfully is to accept her perspective as valid. She is the way she is and she won't change for you. It doesn't make her a bad person, just the kind you can't have a stable relationship with. Once I accepted this I stopped struggling with it.

 

That is a good point Emilia but when you heart is hurting it's hard not to think of your ex as a bad person, especially when you look back at the horrible treatment, verbal and emotional abuse dished out. Their ways of defending such behaviour his hard to tolerate as well.

 

I know my ex's have great sides to their persona's and I know they are not bad people, but I could only come to that conclusion once I finally forgave them. I spoke about forgiveness during my recovery from these experiences, but getting past the anger towards forgiveness for sure took longer than I thought (for a variety of different reasons).

 

The article above is very true. I will always be 'bad' to them. I know I am going on the right path when despite the fact I dislike both girls, I really want both to be happy and I thank them for helping me grow as a person. However good luck to the next woman who even remotely attempts to fire abuse at me..:D

Edited by Mack05
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That is a good point Emilia but when you heart is hurting it's hard not to think of your ex as a bad person, especially when you look back at the horrible treatment, verbal and emotional abuse dished out. Their ways of defending such behaviour his hard to tolerate as well.

 

I know my ex's have great sides to their persona's and I know they are not bad people, but I could only come to that conclusion once I finally forgave them. I spoke about forgiveness during my recovery from these experiences, but getting past the anger towards forgiveness for sure took longer than I thought (for a variety of different reasons).

 

The article above is very true. I will always be 'bad' to them. I know I am going on the right path when despite the fact I dislike both girls, I really want both to be happy and I thank them for helping me grow as a person. However good luck to the next woman who even remotely attempts to fire abuse at me..:D

 

I think it's more about understanding what they project on you. My ex doesn't hate me, maybe he will one day but I know he currently doesn't. I do however understand what he projects on me and why he gets distressed - which in turn helps me take the negative emotions out of it. ie there are no fights and no arguments. It does take two after all to fight.

 

Agree with the bolded part. I'm way more alert to BS than used to be :D

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I think it's more about understanding what they project on you. My ex doesn't hate me, maybe he will one day but I know he currently doesn't. I do however understand what he projects on me and why he gets distressed - which in turn helps me take the negative emotions out of it. ie there are no fights and no arguments. It does take two after all to fight.

 

Agree with the bolded part. I'm way more alert to BS than used to be :D

 

For sure and I will NEVER describe myself as an angel in both relationships. Indeed at times I was a total douche. No excuses. I was the guy who couldn't cash the cheques he printed and that was very disappointing. That just can't happen again, simple as.

 

I understand and accept that there is no way there could ever be a friendship or even some goodwill with either girl and A LOT of that has to do with me.

 

I think the OP needs to do what I did. Write out a list of the mistakes he made in the relationshiop and try to understand why he made the mistake instead of saying "it won't happen again"..

 

I think what happens too much on this site and I was as guilty as anyone was people list a barrage of things about their ex's. They get support and the ex is portrayed as a villian in a bad movie. There are two sides to every story and people in glass houses (and all that)..

 

I feel once you get the intial support after a heartbreak, there needs to come a time where the focus gets turned inwards to the mistakes the dumpee's made in the relationship. By learning and growing froma breakup you make yourself more desireable to the next potential partner. I find it hard to see how the op and many other posters can do this when they know so much about there ex's behaviour and so little about their own.

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I think the OP needs to do what I did. Write out a list of the mistakes he made in the relationshiop and try to understand why he made the mistake instead of saying "it won't happen again"..

 

I think what happens too much on this site and I was as guilty as anyone was people list a barrage of things about their ex's. They get support and the ex is portrayed as a villian in a bad movie. There are two sides to every story and people in glass houses (and all that)..

 

I feel once you get the intial support after a heartbreak, there needs to come a time where the focus gets turned inwards to the mistakes the dumpee's made in the relationship. By learning and growing froma breakup you make yourself more desireable to the next potential partner. I find it hard to see how the op and many other posters can do this when they know so much about there ex's behaviour and so little about their own.

 

Yes I agree with you 100%, which is of course why you are able to put a stop to having these kinds of relationships while others keep dating the same type over and over again.

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jabbz I think from the article above if you take one thing from it then her comment below is so very true...It's like this woman met my ex and then wrote an article about her..Just focus on the bolded line when you find yourself obsessing..

 

"For these women, finding a new boyfriend/husband/emotional punching bag is the equivalent of the “geographic cure” described in Alcoholics Anonymous—it’s their attempt to get a fresh start with a new partner. However, like the AA saying states, “Wherever you go, there you are.” In others words, they will continue to take the same problems, behaviors and craziness into each new relationship because they are the primary source of their relationship problems, not their most recent ex.

I know it’s difficult to accept that all the time and energy you wasted on this woman was to no avail, but that’s just the way it is. If you had a car that kept breaking down all the time, would you continue to pay for repairs for 20 years in the hopes that it would suddenly become a reliable car or would you figure out it’s a lemon and sell it for scrap metal? It’s kind of the same thing"

 

Or if you are hoping the 'truth' will enlighten her and set her free...

 

"The truth is like shark repellent or shining a light on a cockroach to these women–they scatter pretty quickly. They “can’t handle the truth” to the point where it causes them somatic pain. That’s how primitive and powerful their defenses are. Hearing the truth is experienced as a physical blow.

 

For a healthy person, hearing and/or speaking the truth is freeing—even if it’s something you don’t want to acknowledge at first because it’s painful. Speaking the truth takes away the fear of whatever your imagined worst consequence is. For an emotionally abusive NPD and/or BPD woman, the truth coming out is the worst thing that could happen"

Edited by Mack05
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Another classic example of LS counselling in progress.

 

It wouldnt be that 'simple' if it happpened to you, would it now ?

 

Hint: Next time, show a little bit empathy!

 

Thank you!

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jabbz I think from the article above if you take one thing from it then her comment below is so very true...It's like this woman met my ex and then wrote an article about her..Just focus on the bolded line when you find yourself obsessing..

 

"For these women, finding a new boyfriend/husband/emotional punching bag is the equivalent of the “geographic cure” described in Alcoholics Anonymous—it’s their attempt to get a fresh start with a new partner. However, like the AA saying states, “Wherever you go, there you are.” In others words, they will continue to take the same problems, behaviors and craziness into each new relationship because they are the primary source of their relationship problems, not their most recent ex.

I know it’s difficult to accept that all the time and energy you wasted on this woman was to no avail, but that’s just the way it is. If you had a car that kept breaking down all the time, would you continue to pay for repairs for 20 years in the hopes that it would suddenly become a reliable car or would you figure out it’s a lemon and sell it for scrap metal? It’s kind of the same thing"

 

Or if you are hoping the 'truth' will enlighten her and set her free...

 

"The truth is like shark repellent or shining a light on a cockroach to these women–they scatter pretty quickly. They “can’t handle the truth” to the point where it causes them somatic pain. That’s how primitive and powerful their defenses are. Hearing the truth is experienced as a physical blow.

 

For a healthy person, hearing and/or speaking the truth is freeing—even if it’s something you don’t want to acknowledge at first because it’s painful. Speaking the truth takes away the fear of whatever your imagined worst consequence is. For an emotionally abusive NPD and/or BPD woman, the truth coming out is the worst thing that could happen"

 

yeah she used to blame all the bad things that happened to her on the town she lived... I told her that whereever she moves.. she takes her mind with her... which will always be the problem. I know I will come out of this wiser and stronger. It will take time and hard work on my part!

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It will take time and hard work on my part!

 

Ata Boy! That's the spirit. You ever need to chat going forward PM me..it gets worse before it gets better but you'll get there..

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appreciate it.

 

if I ever get a real low down day. I will pm you.

 

again, thanks for the support. A little empathy (WITHOUT SUGARCOATING) goes a long long way for me.

 

:)

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avelonia2013

Thank for posting that link jabby. One of the stories mentioned constantly being told "there you go putting it all back on me" and "it's always about you." Wow! My ex used to say that to me on a regular basis. I used to think how can he say that when it was always about him. He was only interested in what I had to say when he was losing me and was doing it to suck me back in again. When I pointed out an issue with him I was always accused of putting things on him. What a crock of bull! I would sit there for hours listening to his monologues, so how on earth was it "always about me?" I could barely get a word in edge wise and when I tried it was usually invalidated immediately.

 

It's funny though because I'm pretty sure he would never admit this and would turn it around and accuse me of having BPD or NPD. I definitely DO NOT. I have my issues at times, but a personality disorder is definitely not one of them.

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SimonSerenade
yeah know how that feels...

 

she had sent me a text 3 days prior telling me that she loved me and would hold my hand during future ****storms... 3 days later... she shut me out.

closure to a bpd is Ego death.

 

makes us feel ****... not even a goodbye? what was all that unconditional love talk?

a trap...

 

That's so weird, exact same thing for me, before she left she was saying how much she loved me, how sorry she was for a few things in the past and said she would be there for me through everything from now on, made me cry reading it a the time, a few days later it's back to not being happy again, not being in love with me anymore, i think subconsciously she got her kicks out of playing on my insecurities, she said a lot things I felt she knew would play on my mind and never once did she feel guilty for that and try to take them back, I think accepting what she said is one of the hardest things to get over, I feel it'll be hard to trust and feel comfortable with someone again, I really opened myself with her and gave her my heart, I wish she would of cherished that.

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SimonSerenade

Maybe some professional counselling would help in situations like this, I've recently self refered myself for some as I've been with 2 of these kind of women, one was officially diagnosed with bpd (the mother of my child), the other I knew suffered some form of degree of this condition but would be in and out of admiting it and I think it's just taken its toll on me.

 

The mother of my child was very unstable, would lash out with more than words, literally the littlest thing would set her off, she terrified me, often times the look on her face suggested she was going to kill me, she would push me, pin me up to a wall, she would scream and shout the house down, I think the emotional abuse was the worst though, she didn't feel good about herself unless I felt bad about myself, that was one thing she once admitted to me, I stood by her until she did her damage and left.

 

My recent ex showed all the emotional instability and attitude traits that hallmark this and similar conditions, she was like a stone at times and we all know the saying about getting blood from a stone, I was scared of seeing her at times as i felt if she was in one of her moods she might get physically violent like my ex did, I tried being there for her and I tried to understand her feelings but sometimes it was so unbearable that I had to put up a strong emotional wall just to protect myself from her attitude.

 

I don't know what it is that attracts these women to me and indeed what attracts me to these women, maybe I just need to feel needed and I think in the end I will be loved and thanked for all my efforts and standing by them, maybe it's as much about me as it is about them, I accepted being treated in a poor unstable way there for fuelling the fire, I think in these relationships you have to expect to lose a lot emotionally, you have to cut back yor expectations so you can't be let down by them, they lack the emotional maturity to see what it is that makes a serious relationship work, time and time again I questioned myself "why am I asking for something that I should never have to ask for?", my answer, these people have no sense of right or wrong, they only have a sense of them being right, you could have all the facts, figures and everything that suggests otherwise infront of them but to them Paris will always be the capital of Japan, simple things will never be just that to these people.

 

It's hard to accept and it's hard to understand as you naturally assume they're doing this just to be cruel when in reality, they just don't know any better and one day you come to accept that and learn its not about you, it's them, just like it was all throughout your time with them, don't waste your life hoping for guilt or remorse on their part because its never going to happen, after all, can you recall a time when they showed those emotions?, probably not.

Edited by SimonSerenade
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Simon a lot of what you just said is correct and is stated in the article that Jabbzy attached to his first post on this thread.

 

 

"Attempting to obtain closure with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic and/or borderline woman is always a maddening exercise in futility. You will never get closure with this kind of woman. NEVER. First, she doesn’t meet the three most important prerequisites for giving and receiving closure:

  1. A reasonable degree of sanity.
  2. A foothold in reality.
  3. Empathy.

Being able to give an ex closure means you’re able to accept your responsibility for the demise of the relationship and when has your BPD and/or NPD ex ever taken responsibility for her behavior, especially when she was clearly in the wrong? Don’t you remember how she would rewrite ancient and recent history when you were together by portraying herself as the long suffering heroine and you as the terrible ogre, after every nasty blow-up, attack or cold shoulder episode that she initiated? Do you really think she’s going to admit to any of the relationship atrocities she committed during the relationship now that it’s over?

 

I hate to break it to you, but if you’re waiting for this to happen or, heaven forbid, an apology from this woman; IT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. If you try to get closure from your NPD and/or BPD ex by detailing the many ways she hurt and tortured you, she’s not going to acknowledge what she did. Instead, she’ll puff herself up, look at you like you’re the crazy one, and mystifyingly tell you, “I was a wonderful and loving wife or girlfriend. How dare you say these things to me? You must be crazy or someone’s brainwashed you. Don’t you remember how good I was to you and the many things I did for you?”

 

Reading that was not news for me. My ex before last gave me closure so that leads me to believe whatever her emotional issues are, I don't believe (anymore) it to be BPD, but honestly I would just be guessing. I just don't know. She is an extremely bright girl. I think she absorbs information like a spounge and I honestly feel that she is going to figure out how to be happy one way or another. I know (whether she realises this or not) that she has learnt a VAST amount from me. I used to take comfort in that, but now I coudn't care less, just hope she is happy and doing well.

 

My last ex I view differently. I know that article was written about her and women like her. She never gave me/us closure despite quite a few attempts to make peace. Now do you think she could recognise those VERY obvious behaviours in herself? Not a chance. I lost count how many times I tried to show her that she was never accountable. I was convinced I would be the guy to open her eyes, that made her realise why things happened they way they happened in her life. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck, has a beak and feathers like a duck then its usually a duck!

 

She did what the article said she would. Launched a complex defense mechanism (involving projection, gaslighting and denial) and tried to convince me I was the looney one. Articles like the one Jabbyz attached and this one here -> Will My Emotionally Abusive Girlfriend or Wife Be Different With the New Guy? | A Shrink for Men tell me what path she is headed towards. I feel for her and always will. I feel for her cause she never had the great life I had. I don't believe her patterns will ever change. Cest La vie.

 

I finally let go, understanding in the end I won't be the guy that opens her eyes. She hates me more than anyone, because I know the 'real' her. She gets this too in some ways. I can't see how its possible she gets emotionally healthy and self aware to the extent of her issues. The damage is done and it appears to be irreversible. In layman's terms she is a total fruitloop and you can't have an adult conversation with a fruitloop. I mean if you see a guy on the street screaming and roaring at himself are you going to go over and try talk some sense into him? No, trying to talk sense to these girls is the same futile effort (i.e it's pointess).

 

I can't fix her, but I can fix me. I know why I was attracted to her, why she was attacted to me and my ex before her. I know all the signs and I know how to go about the process of finding a healthy partner and trying to maintain a healthy relationship. Sure some might say I am naive. I don't agree. I learnt the hard way and have become a better, stronger more knowledgeable person in the process. You say you are not sure why you fell for these girls. That is the next step..To know exactly why. Once you know that you will see the red flags a mile off in the future..

Edited by Mack05
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so..

 

i got a red light at triffick today.

 

i wanted to turn left so bad to my ex's house..

 

but I was strong and chose to turn right.

 

It's hard... but turning right is the road to recovery!

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