6 year relationship, 1 year broken up/low contact, 3 days no contact

[Used2KnowU]

first off hi everyone and thank you in advance. wont write it all but just what i need to vent. i've been on this site quite frequently but have never posted so here goes, bear with me.

 

we were together for 6 years with ups and downs like any relationship but we worked at it. we both cheated early on but love prevailed and i taught we put that aside. our families loved the other person and we were both accepted as a son and a daughter respectively. about a year ago i was laid off and became extremely depressed(mid life crisis in my opinion). things just wasn't going my way and we became distant, passion died but we still stuck through it. then one day i was at my lowest and she was to busy to allow me to vent which really hurt. i asked her for a few days just to sort myself out. well after that weekend of low contact she told me those dreaded words 'i love you but i'm not in love with you'. i was heart broken and fell right back into a depression. 6 years down the drain and to top it off after the breakup 4 weeks she already had another at her families annual memorial day bbq. personally i believe he was there before our break up hence why she began giving me the cold shoulder.

 

i did all the wrong things, i begged i pleaded sent flowers, surprised visit her and of course all it did was dig myself into a deeper depression. then i finally distant myself for a few months and she started contacting me. we started back talking she always loved venting to me and of course i always listened and gave advice. coming to the end of last year she broke it off with the other guy and we went on a few dates. then in january she informed me that he came over and they slept together and she wanted to give him a try cause she only broke up with him because she was scared to get hurt. still i stayed around being that friend.( yes i'm a fool for doing that i know this now so don't bother mentioning that) what can i say i don't love often but when i do ill go to hell and back for that person and she was the one in my eyes. **** after 6 years how could she not be the one right? anyway fast forward to recently we were at low-contact she called me crying and me being mister nice sat with her on the phone for hours dealign with it only to get a thank you and goodbye.(felt used and like a real jackass after that conversation, she vents to me and then goes home to the other guy since she doesn't vent family issues to him)

 

before i go any further let me say i loved this girl with all my heart and i have never been a quitter in anything i do. i hate giving up, i didn't get this far in life by giving up and that made it so much more difficult with this relationship. so i decided i would do one last thing before i go full no contact(thanks caliguy and tara maiden - that thread is a damn life saver). i waited for her to contact me which i know she would when she had a bad day and i informed her i can't do it anymore and that i wanted more than a friendship(yes i know bad move, but i needed to be straight forward with her, to many close friends in common). well this led to hear saying that she doesn't think she can ever trust me again and brought up an incident from 4 years ago(i honestly taught we were over that but i guess she wasn't or that was just an excuse). anyway it all sounded like a bunch of excuses to me like she herself is still confused with what she wants in life. she ended by saying she doesn't want us to be enemies and she hopes we can be great friends someday and if we are meant to be it will be. personally i feel as if she has just been stringing me along all this time trying to keep me as a backup and i the hopeless romantic fool took the bait.

 

so any we came off the phone that day after i stated trust can be rebuilt and we can work on it and all those wasted words. cant work on it if she doesn't want to and i regret tagging along for so long. didn't do me any good. today is day 3 no contact but i've been feeling so much better recently after our conversation, i told her how i feel and its not on my chest anymore. still a bit down at times, but really focusing on myself. started studying for my Microsoft windows 7 certification and finally started going out with friends again. i think the biggest problem here is that i fell out of love with myself because of her. i felt like i wasn't worth it since after all i did she didn't want to be with me. made me question myself. that was until an old friend from high school days spoke to me and really gave me a boost of confidence, she also has been my probation officer. making sure i have no contact with my ex and focus solely on me. i am even getting closer to my mom which is a great thing as we have always been kind of distant in each others life. so i cant say it has been all bad just kind of screwed up how it had to go.

 

part of me still has a faint sense of hope for us but i know myself to well, once i get back on my feet the way i want to be i know i will never allow her back into my life not even as a friend. she doesn't deserve that from me. i've never called much people 'friend' because that means a lot to me, n i don't turn my back on my friends no matter how bad the situation. anyway sorry for the post story-line kind of jumping but i just really wanted to post something hear because all the stories i read truly helped me in one way or another.

 

i would love to hear your guys opinion and feel free to ask questions of anything i left out that you may find pertinent. i will say one thing though, it does get easier in time, i just wish i didn't keeping fighting for so long but that just me. it isn't over until the fat lady sings

[denxnis]

The relationship you guys had is tainted, cheating from the start, sleeping with others. Do both of you a favor and move-on.

 

This crap you guys are going through and everything you put each other through will constantly pop its ugly head up if you ever, and that's a big ever, got back together.

 

Time for a fresh start and a clean slate with someone else.

[Used2KnowU]

denxnis - thanks for the input and i agree with u 100%. we have hurt each other to much in the past. time heals all people always say and i do believe in true love in all its greatness but i have put my life on hold for too long depressing myself over her. i have only recently begun full no contact so i am on the right path.

 

on the fresh start with someone else, as much as i would love that not its not even on my mind. decided to focus strictly on myself, not getting any younger here and i am soon to hit the big 30. when the time is right i believe someone worth my time will come into my life. i am grateful for the things i have learnt in my last relationship but i still just have this slight pain of she walked away from me when i needed her the most. that left a bitter taste in my mouth which pisses me off cause i still care for her. damned if u do, damned if you don't. but i am feeling better i must say. slowly but surely.