The ( she / he ) never cared thread.

[seahawker64]

I bet we have all had this thought of...how could they? How were we together like we were and they did what they did. Doesn't our time together mean anything?

 

This is a questions I struggle with everyday. The only comfort I get ( it's very little ) is that so many of the things we did were unique to us. She may do them again but we went there or did that with me first. ( Not talking sex ) either.

 

I have gone no contact for 2 months today I think it is. I haven't heard a peep out of her. I do suspect she has someone in her life now and did pretty rapidly after we broke up and possibly before. I'd rather not know and NC helps with that.

 

I just struggle that possibly she thinks our relationship was nothing but a joke and places we went and things we did meant nothing to her. It really bother's me and after all is said and done, I still have that haunting question.

 

Anyone else?

[aisuru]

What a bonehead post.

 

People can feel very strongly for somebody who they realize or decide they don't want to spend the rest of their life with. It does not mean they stop caring. It does not mean they never cared.

 

It just means that for whatever reason, the relationship is no longer working for them. It can often be very difficult for somebody to acknowledge it no longer works because they don't want to hurt somebody they care deeply for.

 

You are doing yourself, and others, by saying/believing otherwise.

 

Life is about experiences. Including relationships that don't work out.

 

That's just life.

[BustedUpInside]

I really feel for you in this post. I completely know what you mean. The person went from including you in their every move in life to completely shutting you out and now you have no idea what they are doing. Don't they care? Don't they miss me? Aren't they miserable without me?

 

I used to struggle with this all the time. My self esteem was very tied to the fact that I was thinking about them all the time and assumed that they had this wonderful new life filled with rainbows and unicorns and never ever thought about me, and if somebody brought me up, they would just laugh and say that it was all a big mistake and now they were soooooo much happier.

 

When you read it from someone else, it sounds really ridiculous, right? I was talking about this to a mutual friend of me and my ex a couple of weeks ago and he gave me the best advice I have heard in awhile. He explained that my ex broke up with me for both of us. He wasn't happy, he could see that he was making me unhappy and he didn't want us to both be miserable for the next twenty years when there was a chance that i would find somebody more compatible. That my ex still loved me and so wouldn't be talking to me anymore. Not because he wanted to make me feel bad, but because he didn't want to change his mind. He believed that this was the best move, and he didn't want both of us pining over something that wasn't going to happen. No Contact is for both parties. The dumpers miss the dumpees too. How could they not? It's just that there is no reason to keep extending the hurt feelings when nothing is going to change.

 

Hopefully, you will be able to move on and realize that your ex does care about you and miss you, but that is not enough to fix a relationship that had gone bad and both of you deserve to be with people that are in it for the long run.

[Skipper888]

LDR are the worst! trust me !

[Leigh 87]

Like they said^^^

 

You can totally love and adore someone, without wanting to spend the rest of your life with them.

 

People are not robots! Most people are not heartless!!

 

For example: you do not go form living together and spending every day with a person, and being everything to each other ( at he time) - to NOT caring AT ALL.

 

Really, only sociopaths, narcissists, and people with serious mental or personality disorders would be capable of feeling intense love or feelings towards another person, only to STOP caring.

 

It is not so black and white; my ex obviously does not love me enough to get through our issues and fix the relationship, so he left.

 

He definitely loved and adored me though, and he cares SO much; but not enough to want to be with me every day and commit to me for life.

 

Please do not be so harsh on yourself!

[cinta_satu]

Struggle with this everyday. My ex used to need me everyday and she couldn't go a day without talking to me. When she woke up the first thing she did was reach her phone and text me good morning.

 

And now nothing. She started seeing someone else 2 months after the BU and I can't help thinking that she's replacing every memory of me day by day.

 

But the truth is I don't think she will ever be able to. I know what we had and we were each other first loves. And the way I treated her like she was the most amazing and special girl in the world - she definitely won't be able to forget that.

[StraylightRun24]

Beautifully stated Metal Chick and aisuru!

 

I struggle with the same self defeating attitude as seahawker a lot of days and I was the one who asked my ex not to reach out to me!

 

You know what though, she has respected my wishes and it's not because she doesn't care. It's because she does!

[treezy]

I don't think they can truly not care unless they tell you straight up like mine did.

[crazy1234]

I bet we have all had this thought of...how could they? How were we together like we were and they did what they did. Doesn't our time together mean anything?

 

This is a questions I struggle with everyday. The only comfort I get ( it's very little ) is that so many of the things we did were unique to us. She may do them again but we went there or did that with me first. ( Not talking sex ) either.

 

I have gone no contact for 2 months today I think it is. I haven't heard a peep out of her. I do suspect she has someone in her life now and did pretty rapidly after we broke up and possibly before. I'd rather not know and NC helps with that.

 

I just struggle that possibly she thinks our relationship was nothing but a joke and places we went and things we did meant nothing to her. It really bother's me and after all is said and done, I still have that haunting question.

 

Anyone else?

it really doesnt matter what they feel or not..but ofcourse we all go through this(still going through this)phase.But does it really matter if they care or not?they left cuz they had to.i feel it everyday and every morning that i wake up with the same question'how could he?'..bt you know what?they can..and they did..its okay to have such questions..it'll pass..and this question will seem less and less important or hearltess each day that passes.

[Noma]

I don't think they can truly not care unless they tell you straight up like mine did.

 

And even then, I've had a past ex write me an apology about 2 years later. We had been together about 3 years. He told me I meant nothing to him, and at the time e meant it. 2 years later, apology.

[CelticGibson]

They may have cared but they didn't care enough. It's that simple. It doesn't matter how the relationship was or how great it felt. All that matters is when the time came to solve the issues, they bailed because they didn't care enough.

[crederer]

I felt that way for a while. I think it is just part of the phase of getting over it. I don't feel that way anymore at all.

[BC1980]

That's what hurt me the most. Our issues weren't that big, but my ex wasn't willing to work on them. I feel that he thought what we had didn't mean enough to work on. If you are together a short period, it's different. You may just not be compatible.

[forgetmenot75]

Aisuru and metal chick, great posts, very thoughtful.

 

I was remembering when I dumped my first boyfriend, though. The first weeks I allowed him to see me. We hanged out like friends, and spent a good time. Until one night he wanted to kiss me. We were in his car, he approached to me, and I felt so disgusted I said no, left the car and decided not to see him again. I as the dumper, started NC. He begged, he called me thousand times, I never picked up the phone. I NEVER regretted dumping him.

I cared for him, yes, but I didn't love him. This was a 6 year relationship, and we lived together for 4 years.

 

I never contacted him again, even though he stopped trying to call me after 2 weeks or so, and until today I feel very relieved he's not in my life anymore.

 

It is like it is. Sometimes we care but we do not love, sometimes we don't want that person in our lives anymore, and yes, sometimes we don't want to see that person anymore. Never again.

[tinker683]

I beg to differ, if they cared about you, they wouldnt have left.

 

Its so easy to say sth is not working and let go of it and then get a new one. A relationship isnt a set of disposable razors. Its a bit more than that. You work on the relation and try to patch up things.

 

In all probability, the ones who leave are the ones who cared the least. Lets not get delusional and start thinking that 'life is about experiences'. The best experiences are the ones where we solve a problem and become better individuals.

 

They may have cared but they didn't care enough. It's that simple. It doesn't matter how the relationship was or how great it felt. All that matters is when the time came to solve the issues, they bailed because they didn't care enough.

 

I agree with both of these posts.

 

OP, I often feel the same way as you did from time to time. She asked me for a committment and a few weeks after I agreed, she started treating me like I was a leper.

 

As time goes on, my anger slowly fades with it but ultimately I still feel like that at the end of the day, she's the one who chose not to invest anymore into the relationship and that's why it ultimately failed. The only difference between the time I broke up with her and now is that now I don't think that it's any reflection of my value.

 

Her decision to stop participating in the relationship is, was, and forever will be HER choice. I would have gone the distance with her but she decided it wasn't worth it to her ultimately.

 

Whether that works out good or ill for her is on her. My life is my own again and I'm free to find someone who DOES think it's worth it for me.

[forgetmenot75]

That practically means you dont care, read your own words once again. You said he called a thousand times and u never picked up - would you do that to someone you care about! for whatever reason, you stopped caring and loving him - have the balls to admit that.

 

 

I have no problem whatsoever to admit I didn't love him. However, I considered that answering his calls was not good for him, because I didnt want him to think I felt the same. THAT is caring. I did care for him, so i decided not to engage in any game.

I stopped loving, yet I cared. Do you see the difference?

[na49]

They don't want to be with you anymore = / = They never cared about you

[andre84]

I believe you can care for someone that you stopped loving. This is basically the reason my EX broke up with me a few months ago... She got to a point where she just didn't see it working out.

 

I'm still hurt because it took 3 years and a move across country for her to figure it out... But last year we did have a rough year and our RS suffered a lot from it. I think deep down she still cares about me as a person or at least she eventually will. But her words were "I just don't see it working out" and I could not convince her otherwise... and I shouldn't have to convince someone of something like that.

 

Anyways, it hurts and sucks to be on the receiving end of a BU where you wanted to keep working at it and your SO decided they've had enough. But I know that eventually I will probably be grateful this happend because I will meet someone even better.

[forgetmenot75]

sorry, I dont see the difference. You did what you thought was good for you and now you are projecting that it was good for him. not the same

 

 

I'm sorry you can't see the difference

[mtnbiker3000]

Her decision to stop participating in the relationship is, was, and forever will be HER choice. I would have gone the distance with her but she decided it wasn't worth it to her ultimately.

 

Whether that works out good or ill for her is on her. My life is my own again and I'm free to find someone who DOES think it's worth it for me.

 

Yes. I can really relate to this ^^ I was 'pot committed' (for you poker players). I was all in. I was willing to go for broke. First time in my life I felt this way. At least I know I am capable!! And, as you said, she will have to live with her decision. I know I gave it my all, nothing more, nothing less...

[seahawker64]

All a bunch of great responses and definitely some things to think about that I hadn't really considered before.

 

I think for me I just struggle in the fact that we left it so open ended. We never really did say Goodbye. Matter of fact, last thing she said to me as she was getting out of my car was "we need to talk about this more" next thing you know there's pictures all over FB of her and some spare dude. I blocked her immediately at that point. I don't wanna see that stuff and there's no point in seeing it. I went NC at that point, so there were no answers and I'm finding closure on my own. It's tough, but it's the way it's gotta be. Maybe it's the GIGS thing with her, I don't know. I honestly believe it's better not to know.

 

Still hurts like a knife in the back though.

[OzHeartache]

 

Her decision to stop participating in the relationship is, was, and forever will be HER choice. I would have gone the distance with her but she decided it wasn't worth it to her ultimately.

 

Whether that works out good or ill for her is on her. My life is my own again and I'm free to find someone who DOES think it's worth it for me.

 

Very well said

[OzHeartache]

Yes. I can really relate to this ^^ I was 'pot committed' (for you poker players). I was all in. I was willing to go for broke. First time in my life I felt this way. At least I know I am capable!! And, as you said, she will have to live with her decision. I know I gave it my all, nothing more, nothing less...

 

 

Same here mate..........Sucks but my conscious is clear, I gave it a good crack but she didn't want what I had to offer.......... Hard not to take it personally and feel worthless but I know I shouldn't

 

Her decision in the end, Just have to hope there is someone worthy out there (although in the early stages I'm struggling to see that happening but hope that fades with time and it becomes reality )

[all_cats_rgray]

I have to get through everyday; and the thought that my ex is the antichrist gets me through the day.

 

The thought that my ex does not care about me gets me through the day. It drives me to do better, it drives me to get mad. Mad that he lead me on for so long, and used me when he really thought very little of me.

 

I do not see what's wrong with your thoughts. They are not true, the ex may still care for you, ext ext.

 

BUT you have to live here and now. What truth do you want to believe! What truth will make you stronger.

 

Truth ONE: My ex care's for me, but has fallen out of love with me. No longer sees me as the ONE. ( for me this truth has done nothing for me, its made me sit on my ass and think "He says he still loves me" aka hope)

 

Truth TWO: He does not love me. He does not care for me the way i thought. He DOES NOT CARE. He is selfish, immature and not the person I thought he was.

 

Reality Two makes me feel better. It is the reality I HAVE TO LIVE IN. Because I have to make it to tomorrow. I have to believe that if you love someone you fight for them. And if you don't love them, you walk away. ..

 

 

Oh, and when they do the special things together, that only the two of you guys did. If you think about it, they are just trying to recreate the fun they had with you... and btw it never adds up. I never do things that I did with me ex, I try to explore new places and different actives. I have done things that i did with a ex with a new guy, and it just makes me miss the past.

 

And if they are doing the things you did together with a new person. (Thats really messed up, aka, they are kind of messed up) They are either really detected from you and don't feel anything about you. Why would you want to be with someone that feels that way about you.

 

Or they could be doing these old things with this new person and be thinking ( I'm so happy its with this person, they are so much better..) AGAIN why would you want to be with someone like that.

 

AGAIN, I believe a lot of this "they still care" is bull****, bull**** that doesn't make they look better then they really are. No they are not monsters, but ... actions speak louder then words. They action of leaving you says; I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU.

Edited May 22, 2013 by all_cats_rgray

[ddlovexx]

I'm currently struggling with this. One year later and after marriage talk (not long enough, I'm aware, but still), we break up, and one week later he has a new girlfriend and has completely cut me out.

 

Thinking "he cares" would just be lying to myself. You don't leave and give up on someone you love, you try to work it out. And you sure as hell don't go "Okay well so anyway here's the new girl. Who was that old girl again?" And he also hid it from me, as though our friends wouldn't tell me...hah.

 

Spending an entire year together, closely, telling me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him... to pretending I don't exist? There's no way he cares.