Can't get over the humiliation

[SadHumiliated]

So I "dated" a guy I met in my grad program about 5 months. I say "dated" because he would never make us official. It turned out he was highly emotionally unavailable(pining hardcore for an ex), disrespectful, and it ended up being a pretty big net loss for me emotionally(on top of the stress of our grad program).

Our contact outside of school had always been erratic but because we saw eachother everyday at school and spent a lot of time together I was kind of oblivious at how little he tried to see me outside of our program(we can be there up to 14 hours everyday for work/classes). When I tried to push for more alone time with him outside of school he balked and the excuses started.

 

We have the same workload(me moreso because I'm lead on one of our projects) but he always seemed to be too busy to hangout or go on proper dates. It turns out he was hanging out a lot with other people from our program when I thought he was at home/studying.

 

It's such a small program that I have to see him everyday, as our work areas are literally across from one another. I dumped him in late January when it seemed apparent that the relationship wasn't going anywhere. I did one week no contact but then he wanted to try again properly. I gave him a second chance and it turns out he had been dating another girl in the program for about a month and a half as well while with me. I confronted her, she confessed(she knew we had been dating...I told her as much before all this), and I confronted him. I dumped him again and went NC immediately. I have stayed strong to that. It's been about a month now since I've spoken with him. He still tries to say hello to me and goodbye if we ever pass each other alone. I ignore him. I do not have to actively work with him so we don't ever speak.

 

I made a lot of mistakes with this...but it had been a while since I was in a relationship and was really happy to find someone who shared a lot of my life experiences, interests, and at first, values.

 

It turns out all he wanted was a **** and dump and said as much to other people in our class. He told me differently. I haven't actively discussed this with anyone but things are getting back to me about some of the stuff he has been saying and I realized that he had been instrumental in excluding me from a lot of outside hangouts and social engagements. Our grad class is very small and tight knit. I'm about a semester from graduating(not too bad) but the stress is piling up.

 

I feel socially isolated and humiliated and don't really know how to handle this. I think he still talks to the other girl, I have to see her everyday as well and as far as I know they aren't together anymore(I'm not mad at her...but maybe I did lose respect). I have no respect for him and I feel a lot of bitterness and anger at how I was treated. I haven't talked badly about him and no one has directly asked about what went down.

Everytime I see him I have this sick feeling in my gut.

I dunno...the humiliation is something I've never dealt with before after a break-up. Like you thought it was one thing and they were some other person and it turns out to be totally wrong.

[0hellogoodbye0]

I guess its easy to say just don't worry about it but it never turns out that way. Honestly though, in the grand scheme of things this doesn't really matter. You are an intelligent and obviously ambitious individual. You will have no problem finding a sincere, educated man who will prove this dirt bag gave up so much in treating you this way. I'm sure the talk and what not will die down just as quickly as they came up. So brush it off, focus on finishing that degree, and come to terms with what happened. As soon as you accept it and lose the shame no one can use it against you! Goodluck dear!

[TaraMaiden]

OP, your forum name says it all....

 

Tell me, in an ideal world, what would YOU like to see happen here? What do you wish could happen?

[JustALittleBit]

I logged in just to write back to this because I really felt for you... I think a lot of women internalise things and start to blame themselves, eg. you feeling humiliated, when really none of this has anything to do with you... your pseudo ex is a huge mother****** and particularly the part where he was talking about you behind your back is just disgusting.

 

Hold your head high, get through the rest of the semester (block things out for now if you need to, if you need to pretend none of it happened then do so, because you need to get through the semester) and I can guarantee that the other people in your small group do not have a particularly good view of him. No one would. So hold your head high because all things end up coming out, and soon it will be really clear what sort of a guy he is and that it was no comment on you.

 

I hate when these sorts of things happen though, and the only advantage to you is that now you will understand how it feels when it happens to someone else... and maybe try explore why you went for an unavailable guy, take this as the final straw and the last bad relationship you will let yourself get involved in. And from here - onwards and upwards!

 

Many hugs from afar!

 

 

Edited to add: I wouldn't respect that other girl either. Be civil to her, but really you don't date someone if you know they are dating someone else and that other person doesn't know. Possibly she DIDN'T know (he could have lied to her too) but more likely she was also a bit screwed up and trying to find love, or simply liked him and did just what she wanted without consideration to you.... but no, regardless she doesn't sound like the sort of girl I would want as a friend.

Edited May 11, 2013 by JustALittleBit

[SadHumiliated]

OP, your forum name says it all....

 

Tell me, in an ideal world, what would YOU like to see happen here? What do you wish could happen?

 

I dunno really. I guess I just want to move on. I'm not really a vengeful person and I don't like wishing people ill will. I just want them both to fade to the background. Eventually I want to get to the point where I don't even remember who he is. I know that takes time. I'm not the kind of person to try out rebound relationships or casual encounters.

 

I want to come out of this with as much dignity and with as much as a good reputation as I can.

 

I really want that sick anxious feeling in my gut to fade so it's easier to concentrate on my work.

 

Thank you all though. I think because most of my friends in our class are also connected to him in some way(projects social activities other friends) I can't really vent the way I need to so it was nice to do that here.

 

I did really internalize this. I keep thinking "how could I be so stupid not to see it for what it was initially??"

 

It's really him though. Before I went NC he said I was a good girlfriend, that I was sweet and loving. He also said that if he had met me a year later that he would have been in a better position to date me the way I needed. I think, that if he had not cheated I might have considered it, and considered a friendship in the future. But I can't be friends with someone I do not trust and I have no trust or respect left for him. So maybe I'm mourning three things, a lost relationship, a lost friendship, and a lost colleague.

 

On one level that makes me feel good because I didn't hurt him in any way, and on another level it makes me feel like bad because this is a total loss.

 

Most of my other ex's have faded naturally out of my life and I don't really have a lot of bad feelings towards them. This is really the first hardline push I've made to get someone out of my life. It's a really uncomfortable place to be.

 

So yea I guess time :\

 

Thanks all.