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"Too serious" relationship - she got back with her ex


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nomoreshallwepart

The story's a bit long here, but please stay with me. I really need your opinion on what I should do right now and what are the chances of me and my ex getting back together.

 

In November 2011 I've met a girl. We really liked each other and started a 2-month period of 'courtship': at first we mostly wrote with each other (long, witty e-mails every day) and then started dating.

In the end of January 2013 we became a couple and stayed so until two weeks ago.

We both treated this relationship very seriously. Soon after we got together my gf was hit by a car and I got to the hospital in the middle of the night, staying with her and helping her as I could. You may call it a 'I know I can rely on you moment'.

 

We took our time with getting intimate to each other and managed to make it something really meaningful. We both got great along with each other's parents and siblings. Both her and my friends were really happy for us.

We were planning our future: kids, living together, marriage.

 

When we met I was still taking my depression medication. As I was feeling so great, I stopped taking it after 4 months of our relationship. After a while all of my insecurities (mostly the fear about being dumped) started to surface. Sometimes I've cried, sometimes we argued because of my mood swings.

Last November I got back on medication and started a therapy - I wanted to fix this thing of mine finally - partly for myself, partly for her and for sake of our relationship. At first my symptoms became even worse, but in a month or so the situation has started to improve.

 

At the end of March my gf have met a couple of times with her ex, who dumped her two times before and (her own quote from the time after our breakup) "made her feel like ****".

Around April the 20th she told me that she has cheated on me with him. That what we had was ideal and she screwed it up and she couldn't stay with me. She said that she loves us both and that we should split. She also said that she felt like if she got married too young and now wasn't sure if she wants to stay that way. She said that I got addicted to her.

 

I maintained strict NC. 10 days later she got back to her ex. A week later she met me to tell me that in person "because she knew that it would hurt me even more if I came to know by seeing them somewhere together".

 

Three days after our breakup she told our common friends that I'm the ideal guy for her and she knows that she'll probably get hurt by the guy she came back to.

 

I know that what she did to me was cruel at best - but I still want us to get back together again. What do you think about it? What should I do?

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Chi townD

RUN FOREST, RUN!!!!!!

 

Dude, you have to see that she isn't right for you. I mean, she told you that you were ideal for her and she knows she's going to get hurt by this guy again. YET, SHE KICKS YOU TO THE CURB!!!! Really?!?!?

 

Dude, you deserve better. You deserve a girl that wants to be with you because there's no other place in the world she would rather be.

 

Time to start making positive changes in your life. New haircut, new clothes. Be totally styling and profiling.

 

Go to the gym and work off all that stress and frustrations. Plus, you be working on that rick hard bod that girls are going to notice.

 

Get new hobbies, join different clubs in your area. Travel! Go see something new. STAY BUSY!!!!!

 

Eat right, drink plenty of water and get some good sleep.

 

You need to be NC with her. Completely dark. Don't respond to anything she sends you. Remember, she values this douche rocket more than you. That was her choice, not yours. There are consquences to her actions. She either has 100% or nothing at all.

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nomoreshallwepart

@Chi townD

The thing is, I think it's the GIGS syndrome. She's 5 years younger than me (in her early twenties) and the douche she came back with is... well, a "bit" different than me. I'm a PhD candidate in the field my ex is studying and the other guy is taking a break from doing his BA because he wants to party for his parents' money and play World of Warcraft. See the pattern?

 

I've started working out, got myself new clothes and generally started taking care of myself. But I don't want anyone other - not after what we had together.

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Chi townD

Okay...well, GIGS or not. She decided that she doesn't want to be with you (I know that's not what you wanted to hear). And she's probably making a big mistake. But, that's a mistake that she has to live with because you don't have to.

 

Dude, I'm not saying to go out and date every girl out there. You need to take some time and heal from this. You're certainly not ready to date. So, just enjoy being single right now. Reward yourself and set yourself up with goals and rewards! I have my doctorate (you wouldn't think by the way I write). But, I set myself up with goals and rewards. When I defended my dissertation and got the thumbs up, I took a trip to the Florida Keys. After my Hooding Ceremony, I took a trip to Norway. Little things that I will ALWAYS remember. I've been around the world and back. My Ex probably never left the tri-state area. Give yourself something to be motivated about. And put yourself out there. See different things! You never know who you'll meet along the way! I always say that you may be one heartbreak away from the girl you're truely meant to be with.

 

The best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life.

 

Wouldn't it be cool if one day your Ex got curious and looked you up on Facebook and see's a pic of you scuba diving off of the Great Barrier Reef in Austrailia and there's of pic of you and your dive partner that happens a stunning blonde hair, blue eyed Auzzie girl that looks absolutely FANTASIC in a wet suit? Meanwhile, she looked this up sitting on the couch with the douche rocket who can't be bothered because he's engrossed in WoW.

Edited by Chi townD
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Yes, definitely stay away from her. I know you love her and want her but she's not good for you right now. She even admits that she's messing things up! My ex is doing the same crap to me, talking/sleeping with other girls and knowing what he's lost with me. It's totally GIGS but what can I do about that? Trust me she knows her loss and the best thing to do is to go out and have fun. You need this time to know that you can have a good time without her and to know you are accomplishing your own goals. It's also good to have this time to realize you want someone who is going to love you and not hurt you in such a way.

 

I'm leaving for Cancun on Sunday and am already thinking of my next trip. You sound like a successful guy going places. I think it's important you show that to yourself and learn that the right person wouldn't treat you this way. And at the end of the day, she has some self-esteem, insecurity issue or something. You guys aren't a good match right now. If she came running back, it's a long road of finding that trust and love again. Give yourself some space and treat yourself to having fun. I'm sure she'll look back and wonder what the hell she was thinking, and in the meantime you'll gain better perspective about your own life and how she fits into it.

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cinta_satu
Wouldn't it be cool if one day your Ex got curious and looked you up on Facebook and see's a pic of you scuba diving off of the Great Barrier Reef in Austrailia and there's of pic of you and your dive partner that happens a stunning blonde hair, blue eyed Auzzie girl that looks absolutely FANTASIC in a wet suit? Meanwhile, she looked this up sitting on the couch with the douche rocket who can't be bothered because he's engrossed in WoW.

 

^ THIS.

 

People who dump their partners who are perfectly compatible, loving, and genuine usually end up realizing they made a mistake.

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sounds like even though she knows you are the ideal guy for her she unfortunately is in love with him...sigh what a dummy, but what can you do.

 

You don't want to be with someone that you know loves someone else. Horrible feeling.

 

You sound like an awesome guy, there are tons of girls to come into your life that you will love and that will love in return!

 

You are young, life is young! It hurts, i'm not saying it wont. But every storm passes.

 

Unfortunately chasing after someone who doesn't feel the same way is a mistake we ALL have to make in life.

 

You will live wonderful moments with someone else and that girl will be worth it.

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nomoreshallwepart

Thanks for all the replies! I think I'll stick with the image from Chi townD post (this one really made me smile, thanks! :) ) - I know that there are other girls out there, but like I said... I haven't given up on her.

 

It has been only three days since she told me she got back with that guy and getting NC again has been hard. Especially as two days ago her youngest sister (11 yo) has sent me an invitation on facebook (she had an account for quite a while before) and it hit me like a ton of bricks... I just felt like if my own kid told me that she's sad to see me go away from them.

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@Chi townD

The thing is, I think it's the GIGS syndrome. She's 5 years younger than me (in her early twenties) and the douche she came back with is... well, a "bit" different than me. I'm a PhD candidate in the field my ex is studying and the other guy is taking a break from doing his BA because he wants to party for his parents' money and play World of Warcraft. See the pattern?

 

I've started working out, got myself new clothes and generally started taking care of myself. But I don't want anyone other - not after what we had together.

 

This isn't GIGS at all. She has a history with her ex, far longer than what you and her have...which is just mere days over 3 months long.

 

You were the person she got with when she was trying to move on from her ex, but it's really clear she still carries a torch for him despite what she's said about him.

 

The heart loves who it loves. So even though you look good on paper, you just don't give her the feelings that her ex gives her. That story is not done. They have to explore and either remain together or finally shut the door on that for good.

 

Either way, she's not available to you emotionally. Her heart and mind is with him. Time to move on.

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CelticGibson

The opposite to love is not hate, it's indifference. When someone says they love or hate their ex, it means they still have feelings regardless of whether they are loving or not.

 

When they say they hate their ex, what they really mean is that they hate not having the chance to still be with the ex because the ex doesn't want them.

 

KatZee is right. This is a rebound and her heart is firmly stuck on the EX. There is nothing you can do to ever change this.

 

While she is emotionally attached to the EX then she is off limits to you or anyone else. She needs to work through this on her own and in the meantime you need to stop seeing her and move on.

Edited by CelticGibson
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Chi townD

Hey, no one said NC was ever easy. It sucks and it's hard as hell. Especially if they try to contact you. It's hard to ignore. But here's the rub, they shouldn't be contacting you at all if they wanted you out of their life in the first place. That's them being cruel.

 

You state that you haven't given up on her. Okay....but, what you have to realize is she's given up on you. Why would you want to try and get with a person that doesn't want to be with you? You have to start looking at things with your brain and not your heart. She threw you under the bus for a guy that values a video game more than an education. That values the party lifestyle instead of putting in the WORK that's required to give you a good start in life.

 

And why would you want a girl that can toss you away sooo quickly. She cheated on you and then dumped you. 10 days into NC she tells you that she's now in a relationship with him and she thought that she owed it to you to tell you herself. Which tells me that she was cheating on you since March all the way up to the break up. Why would you want to be with someone that would treat you like this?!?! Makes no damn sense. Remember, BRAIN; not HEART! You need to make those positive changes because I'm starting to think that you have very little to no self esteem.

 

And don't take what I said earlier as an "image". GO DO IT!!! Find that motivation from that image. It doesn't have to be Australia. Pick a place that you've ALWAYS dreamed of seeing and go do it! If you've always wanted to see the eiffel tower in Paris, go see it. Or the cliffs of Dover in England, go see it. Or deep sea fishing in the Florida Keys, go do it! Or you picture yourself standing in ankle deep water on white sandy beaches in the Bahamas with a Margarita in one hand and a Seniorita in the other while your wearing a straw hat, go do it! Take a friend with you if you don't want to do it alone. Set up a plan for yourself. You want to go somewhere warm in the winter, okay then you plan for Feburary. It's summertime in Australia then! You research the cost of a diving package. $2500 dollars. Okay! Then research flights. $1500 okay! So, you know you'll need to come up with 4 grand from now until Feburary plus spending money. That 9 months from now. Plan your adventures and do them!

 

You literally have the world at your fingertips and nothing holding you back now.

Edited by Chi townD
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nomoreshallwepart
This isn't GIGS at all. She has a history with her ex, far longer than what you and her have...which is just mere days over 3 months long.

 

You were the person she got with when she was trying to move on from her ex, but it's really clear she still carries a torch for him despite what she's said about him.

 

There was an error in the first post: we became a couple in January 2012, so we were together for 15 months, not 3. And she was with him 3 years ago for 6 months.

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There was an error in the first post: we became a couple in January 2012, so we were together for 15 months, not 3. And she was with him 3 years ago for 6 months.

 

Well... either way... she still has something for him if she left you after 15 months and ran right back to him, a guy of only 6 months. It's not GIGS. That I can tell you. I don't think she was ever over him to be honest, and they probably started talking again... and this is what happened.

 

If you were her first choice, she never would have run back to him. Never be someone's back up plan.

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nomoreshallwepart

Today she posted something on Facebook - a song which actually boils down to "how good my sex life is atm". I'm kind of stretched between being friggin' angry at her and pitying her, especially after I heard how her life looks like right now.

Here's one of the most intelligent, witty and kind women I've ever met - and all she's concerned about right now is partying, getting drunk and getting f*cked by this dumbass.

It's kind of sad to see her trying to provoke some reaction from me (still NC) and/or repeat to herself that's she's doing so great.

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CelticGibson

If you can see her posts, you are not in No Contact. She did get a reaction from you. You are here posting about it. This is setting you back. Think about it.

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nomoreshallwepart

Thanks for that remark, CelticGibson! I've hidden her in my facebook feed and will do my best not to keep tabs on her. Guess it's necessary at this point.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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nomoreshallwepart

Bumped into her today in front of the faculty at which we both study. It was really weird. We were both in a rush, but a "Hi!" - "Hi!" "conversation" seems really awkward after all we've been through.

 

I've been doing NC for more than two weeks now, I wonder if I should treat that as a setback.

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itto ogami

Friend, you need to DELETE her from your FB.

 

It's silly and counter-productive to have her attached to your life even on FB.

 

And trust me, unfriending her will give her pause as to how much you value yourself. Yo shouldn't be concerned about getting back together, but if you want that, NO CONTACT is your best bet.

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nomoreshallwepart
Friend, you need to DELETE her from your FB.

 

It's silly and counter-productive to have her attached to your life even on FB.

 

And trust me, unfriending her will give her pause as to how much you value yourself. Yo shouldn't be concerned about getting back together, but if you want that, NO CONTACT is your best bet.

 

I hid her, I don't look at her profile, nada. I have her three sisters and a lot of mutual friends on my fb - deleting her wouldn't bring me any good at this point.

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CelticGibson

You need to block and delete. I had to do this myself because I KNEW I would either look or something would pop up on my feed due to mutual friends and what not. Be very careful when mutual friends are connecting you. You may have her hidden but what if one of her sisters posts a photo of her with her new bf all happy and wonderful? What then? Be careful...

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itto ogami

HIDING her is not the same thing AT ALL.

 

Look at it metaphorically - would you rather have a monster HIDING under you bed or NOT BE THERE AT ALL?

 

It's about cutting a psychic cord that you still seem reluctant to do.

 

Look at it this way: you've hidden all traces of her but showing her that she's still worth having as a public friend. Why? For whose benefit?

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nomoreshallwepart

1. Deleting and/or blocking her would just be childish at this point. I'm not going to contact her, but I'm not going to burn the bridges either. Period.

 

2. As for mutual friends and things popping up in my feed... I have already written that, but I'll do it again: not likely to happen, as all of those friends consider the guy she came back to to be a total as*hole.

They knowthat he scarred her pretty badly after they came apart in high school, that he treated her badly after that (drunken calls in the middle of the night etc.) and - that's the most important part - he probably hit on almost all of her female friends. Need I say that they didn't like it?

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itto ogami

"Deleting and/or blocking her would just be childish at this point. I'm not going to contact her, but I'm not going to burn the bridges either. Period."

 

Then you're thinking about how SHE would perceive you.

 

And I've said before, if you think her not being on FB will prevent you from being friends down the road, you have a lot more invested in FB.

 

Friendships will happen regardless of social media. True friendships.

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nomoreshallwepart

OK, so first her new-old bf becomes my friggin' doppleganger (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/396443-what-new-bf-my-ex-mimicking-me) - and now this:

 

After over three weeks of NC she messaged me today, asking to borrow some textbooks for the upcoming exam. She apologized twice for just contacting me, but said she 'had no other option'. I agreed, but the whole situation still seems ridiculous... those textbooks are available in every single damn library in the city where we live.

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  • 10 months later...
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nomoreshallwepart

Sorry for the thread necromancy, but almost a year after that break up some things happened and I just wanted to share.

 

So, a year ago my ex cheated on me and left me for another man. Today I am in a happy and caring relationship, my professional career is better than ever, I've picked up some new hobbies and greatly improved my looks (indoor climbing for the win!).

 

After I came back from the trip overseas last week, a common friend said that he wanted to tell me something "so I won't be shocked if I meet my ex on the street". It seems that she's having an unplanned baby with the man she cheated on me with, they're both unemployed and due to having to take care of the baby she'll have to drop out from college.

 

And that, kids, is how the laser-guided karma works :)

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