mach3 Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 Not sure that's a good subject, but I have a question for you all. My ex and I have seen each other several times since the break up, which I am still very upset over. But I'm beginning to feel as if she uses me and wants me around when it's convenient. I'm not trying to play a game or force a hand here, but I'm at the point where I want to say: Look you either want to be with me or you don't. If you do great, you are the love of my life. If not, please let me be. Will this backfire on me? Again - I think it's more for my own sanity than anything else. I can't continue the way things are, being pseudo together. And I don't want to stay friends, because I could never look at her as just a friend. Comments appreciated - thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 If by backfire you mean that you might lose her all together, then yes. That's a possibility. But it sounds like what you want is resolution of the situation one way or the other. If this is what you want to do, then do it. You do have a right to be able to define your relationships and decide for yourself what kind of relationship you will or won't put up with. Just make sure that you're fully prepared for the fact that she might let you be. I don't really look at this as an ultimatum, per se. It's not like you are saying do this or else. You are giving her options. Be with me or don't, but please just let me know what you want one way or the other. I think you are well within your rights to do this. Again, just be sure you are prepared for and ready to accept the potential consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Blah Toolz Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 I think you shouldn't give her an ultimatum like that which seems like a threat... I don't know the details of your break-up, but I think what would be better to say in an instance like this is: "I love you, and I want you to do what you feel you need to do... but I'm going on with my life." I think this will make her realize that she won't be able to just have you for her convenience... and would make it seem like you are about her wants as well. I know you just want to say straight up to her, "WTF, either you want to be with me again, or stop stringing me along," but sometimes it's not black and white like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 I agree with girlie. Also, you could stop being always avaliable to her when she wants you around. *Show* her with actions that your being there at request is a previlege reserved to your *girlfriend*! She won't get back together with you if you treat her like she was your fiancee -or even better than that. Show her that if she wants to be your priority, she had better make a commitment again before you change your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 if i hear one more thing about ultimatems iam going to...... couldn't help it! but i agree with blah- if you are going to say it, them try not to make it sound like a blame and try to keep from criticizing. let her know that you need some sort of definative label or explanation of the relationship you two still have. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 I agree with girlie. This is not an ultimatum. This doesn't have to be confrontational or cirtical and by no means should you bring up the past. You need to move on with your life and what you're doing now is putting yourself in limbo. Just tell her that you still have feelings for here and hanging around just as friends is hurting you too much. However, it does sound to me that you're not ready to move on. Otherwise why would you ask if this could back fire on you? What do you mean by that? It's entirely probable that she thinks she has already let you go. What you're dealing with is the dreaded "maintaining contact just as friends" thing and for the person on the wrong side of the break up this is never easy. If you're going to ask her to decide to come back to you or to leave you alone then you have to be prepared that she'll leave you alone. And, more importantly, you have to be preapred to leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mach3 Posted May 7, 2004 Author Share Posted May 7, 2004 Thanks for the advice. Blah - I think you are right on - and I will have to try to keep it "nice". I am really feeling used and when I ask for some sort of resolution, she says I'm too pushy... I feel the need to do this, cause if I don't, she'll still call every few days and such, but we won't see each other much. It's just kind of a BS limbo IMO, where she keeps me around just in case. Link to post Share on other sites
meanttolive4ever Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 hmm i duno what to tell you Link to post Share on other sites
Meso Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 Mach 3 this is exactly what im going through right now.... Its driving me insane.... Should i tell her i need some kind of answer and risk pushing her away or should i play it cool for a while and hope she comes to her senses? Ugh I cant take it much longer but i just cant let go... Every night i say ok im gonna not go online and talk to her...I wanna make myself unavailable to her for once but i cant...shes my only freind i need someone to talk to... And every time i see her it is like starting over I need some help here too Link to post Share on other sites
meanttolive4ever Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 Originally posted by Meso Mach 3 this is exactly what im going through right now.... Its driving me insane.... Should i tell her i need some kind of answer and risk pushing her away or should i play it cool for a while and hope she comes to her senses? Ugh I cant take it much longer but i just cant let go... Every night i say ok im gonna not go online and talk to her...I wanna make myself unavailable to her for once but i cant...shes my only freind i need someone to talk to... And every time i see her it is like starting over I need some help here too its the same way for me..i was fine with not talking to my ex..it was like 2 weeks that i hadnt called him or seen him..then BAM he walks into my work with his sister all trying to flirt with me and everything...grrr at guys Link to post Share on other sites
Author mach3 Posted May 10, 2004 Author Share Posted May 10, 2004 Yeah it sucks for all of us. I am the same way, I will always love her, even if I am not with her. It's just the way I am, once you're in, you're in. I think, unfortunately, she knows this and takes advantage of it. But I cannot just sit around, waiting for her to come back. If it was up to her, she would keep up contact, insist she was never seeing anyone else outside of friends and keep me around just in case. I think it's best to tell them straight up, I can't be just friends with you. I'm not trying to be an ass, but don't contact me anymore. Man that day will suck. Link to post Share on other sites
meanttolive4ever Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 yea i think the next time i get an unknown caller im picking it up lo..i seriously think its him Link to post Share on other sites
MESO Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 I kno what yo mean mach...when that day comes it is going to suck For now im going to try to be strong not contact her at all....if she contacts me either im not gonna respond or at least im not going to sound so needy and hurt...so far everytime weve been together ive wanted to be strong but i just break down and start asking her questions about where we are at and stuff...i have to remain strong because i kno its just going to drive her away if i keep this up... Im hoping this will work but ill probably have to tell her that this just has to stop. In the back of my head i think if i keep my distance for a while maybe shell miss me but maybe the distance is just best for me regardless of how it will make her feel well if my "limited contact" dont work then this is going to get harder Link to post Share on other sites
2ndConfusedfemale Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 Generally I don't like ultimatums, so I guess it'll depends on the kind of person that she is, and what she thinks of you. If she likes to string you along, then all she's going to say is some ambiguous statement like "yes I want to be with you but I need time." Or "yes, we should be together, but not if you will smother me, etc." It will definitely be better if you approach her in a "nice way" but at the same time if she knows that she can get you whenever she wants, she'll just humor your question/statement. I think that you should give yourself an ultimatum. You should tell her how he behavior makes you feel, and how where you want the relationship to go, blah, blah, blah...And if she doesn't straighten up by whatever date you set for YOURSELF you should leave her alone. Either that or remove her from the emotional pedestal you have her on, that way you won't be "bothered" by her actions...Put her in the "humoring" category, which is basically the "yea right" category. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mach3 Posted May 11, 2004 Author Share Posted May 11, 2004 Meso You've got to fight every instinct you have to hold on - I'm the same way. But the reality is, they don't feel the same way about us as we feel about them. I know I treated her like gold and there are dozens of girls out there that would be thankful everyday for someone like me. But at the same time, I miss her every single day. I miss the life we had together. I miss the life we were going to have together. But I know she is just not feeling the same way right now. I want to call, write - fight for it - but you can't. And I'm not a gameplayer - people in here will tell you to go with the no contact rule. It seems completely silly to me, but in some ways it works. I got so pissed at her the other day, I told myself I was never going to answer the damn phone again. Sure enough, after 3 or 4 calls over a few days, I get the "I hope you're not doing anything rash" line. It's so easy for me to tell you all this, yet I should read my post over and over again and apply it to my own case, which I am trying to do. Just hang tough, get rid of the things that remind you of her. Put yourself in a good place and focus on the things that make you - you. I've been reading like crazy, working like crazy, working out, I try and fill every second of my day. But I still can barely sleep and wake up several times a night with her on my mind. People like us don't love easily, and we don't unlove easily. But if it's meant to be, it will work out. And if they're putting us through so much pain, it's probably not meant to be. Good luck - know there are lots of people here feeling just like you. Link to post Share on other sites
MESO Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 thanks alot for the advice... it really helps to know that you are going through something very similar i cant sleep either i sleep a little and wake up and my mind instantly goes to her and when i sleep i dream of her...its so weird when we were together i never dreamed of her...now she is everywhere Link to post Share on other sites
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