Why Can't I Move On?

[umineko]

Okay, so I'm stuck in a painful situation and have no idea what to do, and really want to talk to someone, but have no one.

Basically, I still love my ex after a year of being broken up. We went through... A LOT together and... I can't seem to get over him. At all. And it's ruining every relationship I try to start.

A bit of background: We met my junior year, his senior year. We went out for a few weeks and then he dumped me. Yeah. I had NO idea what I got into. His schizo ex was pregnant. (Faking so he wouldn't go out with me). I convinced him to date me without telling anyone, and every time he let it slip to her that we were still talking, she made him dump me again. This happened 4 times. I kept coming back. If not to be together, it would be to help him.

The last two breakups were the worst. The second to last, he called saying he cheated on me. With his ex. Hey, she was already pregnant, why not bareback her some more, right? I didn't know what to do, and made him call me later that night and we figured it out.

The last was even worse. He had trouble at home, VERY overprotective parents. (I can't stress this enough. They wouldn't let him go to school. He wasn't allowed friends. If he wanted to do something, it had to be as a family. Yeah...if he was caught texting, he'd lose his phone for 6 months. And he isn't allowed to have any account where they don't know his password. And trust me, they make sure they can access it.) Communication was hard, but I wouldn't let up. But one night I had been at his house (some family event he talked his mother into inviting me to...) and left fairly late. This was just after one of his "caught texting" episodes, and he lost his phone for good, and had bought another one... a monthly no-term phone. He said he would text me his new number closer to when I got home. 2 minutes before I get home, I get his text. "This is my new number. Don't contact me anymore." *IT* was going to pick him up to leave home. I was heart-broken, but trusted him. The next morning, his mother texted me from his old phone. "Where is he?" She thought I had him. She called, screaming at me until I broke into tears and said he was with *it.* At first she didn't believe me, but I guess 5 minutes of straight sobbing changed her mind. Later, at work (of course), he calls. "You told. I trusted you and you told. If this is how it's going to be, then I can't do this anymore." He planned to run away with her. For the baby, he convinced me. They'd take a train to Chicago, buy some horses, and live off the land. Yeah. Sure. (They're both blonde...and taught by dumb as **** parents) After *it* had the baby, he'd "somehow make it back." But I wasn't allowed to talk to him for some-odd years until he wanted to.

...I know this all sounds ridiculous, but I still stayed. I still waited. And we tried. Again.

*It* went off to college and got out of the picture and I thought we were happy. Apparently, he didn't. We lasted somewhere around 8 months in all. Then he got his yearly bout of seasonal depression, and cut me off. It just ended. Like that. I'm unhappy the entire goddamn ****ing relationship, and stay. He's unhappy for a week, not even my fault, and it has to end. I was tired. I let him have his way. I was sick of feeling used and thrown away when things became too hard. Of course, I didn't figure all that out until recently. It kinda became clear why I didn't try again the last time.

I gave him space like he asked. He stopped talking completely, and I rebounded. (I need a lot of attention and he couldn't do it anymore). I met some other guy and tried with him. Things went great until my first freakout... and then he told me I was "needing a ridiculous amount of attention" and that I was "abnormal and inhuman"... Then he proceeded to blackmail me with threats of "finding me" after I moved...and forcing me to "figure out what's wrong with me." I went through a slew of other guys, until I met one that seemed to like me... until I freaked out and he called the cops. I spent the night in the "Behavioral ER" and then the day in psych ward with no way to contact anyone and no one knowing where I was. That....was terrifying.

But anyway, bunch of bad relationships later, ex comes back. After months of talking, he says he's "desperate." He wants sex. No ability to leave the house and 19 years old. I still loved him and couldn't say no. I even got into it, as well, saying I wanted it as much as he did. We finally got to meet up and after a few times of that, he took it. It meant a lot to me. Not so much to him. Not that sex in a movie theater party room is all that romantic in the first place... Basically told me I took too long and needed to leave. ...thanks.

The second time we were able to...was about a week ago. It broke. We didn't know until after everything. We panicked. Both relieved when nature kicked in. He told me the truth... that if I had gotten pregnant he wouldn't see me anymore. He couldn't look at me "knowing it was his." ...thanks again.

So at this point, we aren't together, we're fwb, and it can end as soon as one of us wants it to.

And last night, he told me he wanted it to end. (He hasn't seen me since the...scare...and I think that has something to do with it). He met someone else. Hasn't started dating or anything, but I'm supposed to wait. Wait and be put second in case this doesn't work for him. And if it does, I'm supposed to move one because that'll make him happy.

I feel so ****ing used and now...being put second, but still loving him so much...I can't deal with it. It's not like I'd end my life or anything...but I want so much to move on or be with him. And neither seems like an option. I was fine...or as close to fine as I could've been...until he got this years seasonal depression and it made me think that maybe last year when he ended it...maybe it was just depression...maybe still some hope.

 

Logically, I know that isn't how it works. I know there's no hope for me unless I move on. And I've been trying. But no guy wants...this.

Logically, I know he's been lying to me. More than he should. He lost most of my trust.

Logically, I know he's a ****ing douchebag. He's probably mentally abusive. He takes his frustrations out on me. He's just using me.

Illogically, I still love him. After everything. And would give anything to go back and try again. That won't happen... But that lost trust is so easily gained back.

 

My brain is drained and my body is at the point of physical exhaustion. I wake up in the morning and retch, barely able to stand, late for work every day by over an hour. I have no energy left, barely enough to talk, and don't know what to do. Cutting him off isn't an option, I've become dependent on him for stability, so that'll just hurt me more than anything else, and he won't be affected. He won't care. I could be dead for months before he noticed...if he ever even notices.

 

Does anyone have the time and enough effort to help a girl with more baggage than she can carry?

[creighton0123]

Advice? Absolutely no contact. Ever. He seems to be sucking more and more energy from you every time you have encountered one another. Change your phone number. Block him on all forms of social media. Don't go to places you know he hangs out.

 

There is too much damage in this relationship and he is all over the place. It is not healthy for either of you to still remain in contact.

 

If you don't, you are going to get fired from your job, push away your family and friends, and end up in a cycle of failed relationships.

 

You can absolutely cut him out of your life. It will suck. It will most definitely suck. However, the amount of suck will become smaller and smaller every day until you'll wake up one day and realize you're an individual again whose identity isn't based on someone else's opinion or treatment of you.

 

I'd recommend practicing some mental rewinding. Picture yourself before you met him and return, as best you can, to that mindset.