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Anyone else NOT bitter at their ex?


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The sadness comes in waves, still even 10 weeks later. It's hard to shake the feeling that everything good in your life is gone. But, I can't be bitter, and I'm not resentful.

 

She had her reasons to end it, while I wasn't a bad boyfriend (never cheated, verbally abused, physically abused etc.,), I admit I could have been better, and I realize my faults. At this time, I haven't done enough to convince her that she needs me in her life. With college, my living situation, and work, I just spread myself too thin, and didn't do everything I could/should have.

 

I do however, honestly believe that she still loves me, and misses me. And even though she was the one who dumped me, I can't help but feel bad for her. I know that even though this was her decision, it wasn't an easy one.

 

She wants to be friends eventually, as do I, but we both realize it's impossible right now. She sees me and just cries and cries, but I can't be mad at her for doing what she thinks she needs to do for herself.

 

Am I the only one that feels this way? Anyone else not harboring bitterness? I know sometimes getting mad at the other person can help the healing process, and I try to occasionally, but I always fall back to this.

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Still 10 weeks later? You mean only* after 10 weeks. I hate to break it to you but 2.5 months is a relatively short period of time. People get stuck in the loop for months or years even.

 

Take things slow. Since you know your faults (which is a great thing btw), work on them and finally in your future relationship, treat the girl well :)

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I'm really good friends with my exBF. I don't really have anything to be mad at him about and I like having him in my life. I just don't want him as my BF.

 

But neither of us have went around looking for a new relationship since we broke up. If one of us gets in a relationship with someone else that may change everything.

 

I don't know.

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Still 10 weeks later? You mean only* after 10 weeks. I hate to break it to you but 2.5 months is a relatively short period of time. People get stuck in the loop for months or years even.

 

Take things slow. Since you know your faults (which is a great thing btw), work on them and finally in your future relationship, treat the girl well :)

 

Yeah, I get that. But I tend to get over things quicker than most people. Always have, hopefully always will. Like I said, still occasionally sad, but I'm back at the point to where I can live my life and be happy more often than I'm sad.

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I've said it many times Harbouring resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Good for you for having such a mature attitude.

 

My last two ex's harbour no bitterness towards me. That is not because they like me (they actually greatly dislike me) its because they are indifferent towards me. Not sure thats a healthy way to deal with the aftermath of a breakup. Stay angry until the anger fades...

 

After each breakup I initially felt anger. But when I had a chance to reflect I realised that it takes two for a relationship to break down. These days I tend to focus on my role and my failures in a relationship. That is the only way you really learn lessons from a relationship.

 

Analyzing your ex's cruel behaviour or his/her loving words just doesn't get you anywhere. it just keeps you in rut. My last two ex's were/are great girls. I over stepped the boundaries in thinking I needed to 'help' them so that they would go along with my idea of how our relationship(s) would work. Dumb eh..

 

Both showed me some cruel sides in the end, but I would rather remember the nice times and wish them well in their future relationships. I truly believe the right person brings the best out of us and not the worst. I believe the right guy for them will bring out the special side they both have and not want to change who they fundamentally are.

 

If you were close to prefect throughout the relationship and you ex was still cruel, you still need to let that bitterness go and believe the next one won't be..By doing that we deal with emotional baggage in the right way. By not doing that you are guaranteeing unforeseen problems in future relationships no matter how good the match.

 

Good attitude Love Bytes..

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Yeah, I get that. But I tend to get over things quicker than most people. Always have, hopefully always will. Like I said, still occasionally sad, but I'm back at the point to where I can live my life and be happy more often than I'm sad.

 

dude no offence but..

 

A. you just made a thread 2 days ago, with a love song you wrote for your ex which pretty much conflicts with the above sentiments.

 

B. you aren't in NC and sounds like you never have been. it's hard to reach acceptance when you remain in contact. especially if your ex hasn't found anyone new yet. try not talking to your ex for months, and realizing she actually doesn't want you in her life anymore unless as a casual friend, and see whether this changes things, b/c it seems you really haven't gone through the full extent of loss in a typical breakups yet.

 

 

i'm not trying to rain on your happiness or anything, but the truth is the truth. until you've seen her start dating a new guy, or until you're cut off from her for weeks/months, it may not hit you fully.

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dude no offence but..

 

A. you just made a thread 2 days ago, with a love song you wrote for your ex which pretty much conflicts with the above sentiments.

 

B. you aren't in NC and sounds like you never have been. it's hard to reach acceptance when you remain in contact. especially if your ex hasn't found anyone new yet. try not talking to your ex for months, and realizing she actually doesn't want you in her life anymore unless as a casual friend, and see whether this changes things, b/c it seems you really haven't gone through the full extent of loss in a typical breakups yet.

 

 

i'm not trying to rain on your happiness or anything, but the truth is the truth. until you've seen her start dating a new guy, or until you're cut off from her for weeks/months, it may not hit you fully.

 

No offense taken. I've been a writer for 17 years now, so I can always find inspiration to write. Makes me feel better. Plus, I'm working on a full-length album, so I'll draw inspiration anywhere I can. I went NC for a few weeks, and it didn't feel any different. I understand where you're coming from, trust me. She's already talking to/dating another guy, and while I don't love that idea, I can live with it.

 

I've started talking to a couple girls myself...and while I know I'm not ready to jump into any sort of relationship, the fact that I can start talking to other girls with some sort of interest, helps me feel like I'm a lot better off than I was a month ago.

 

Either way, thanks for the support.

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Not bitter, though I did exhibit some signs of bitterness during the D process, according to my best friend. I offered exW's BF a job, since he was looking for work, and I know how she is about guys earning less than their potential. Wait.... ;)

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Not bitter, though I did exhibit some signs of bitterness during the D process, according to my best friend. I offered exW's BF a job, since he was looking for work, and I know how she is about guys earning less than their potential. Wait.... ;)

 

Haha, last part made me chucke. :laugh:

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I don't really get where you're coming from. Are you still hung up on her or not? Love song then this post...you feel bad for her because she broke up with you?

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I could be wrong but It seems to me you are exhibiting too many caring feelings for her. I did this a little bit pre and post BU. I understood blah blah blah. Then i realized i was pissed at getting dumped.

 

I still understand the reasons and deep down wish her the best but i also hope she explodes. Know what i mean? You need to knock her off the pedestal and feeling sorry for her ecetera. Your caring understanding thought shouldn't be watered at this point. The emotional connection needs to be severed.

 

You need to separate yourself emotionally form her and her trials and tribulations. Maybe you have?... but i would cut her out of you life for now so you can process everything and make sure your not repressing things.

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I don't really get where you're coming from. Are you still hung up on her or not? Love song then this post...you feel bad for her because she broke up with you?

 

Oh, I mean I'm doing ok and living my life, but I'm still hung up on her..if that makes any sense. And I don't feel bad for her because she broke up with me, I feel bad because of the reasons. Again, nothing terrible, but I understand her reasons, and I should have seen the signs. I just know that unlike a lot of breakups (and I'm not 18...I've been through plenty of them), this is one where neither person is all that thrilled about it. I just know she's hurting too, and regardless of whether we're together or not, I still care about her.

 

I could be wrong but It seems to me you are exhibiting too many caring feelings for her. I did this a little bit pre and post BU. I understood blah blah blah. Then i realized i was pissed at getting dumped.

 

I still understand the reasons and deep down wish her the best but i also hope she explodes. Know what i mean? You need to knock her off the pedestal and feeling sorry for her ecetera. Your caring understanding thought shouldn't be watered at this point. The emotional connection needs to be severed.

 

You need to separate yourself emotionally form her and her trials and tribulations. Maybe you have?... but i would cut her out of you life for now so you can process everything and make sure your not repressing things.

 

Yeah I know what you mean. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I contradict myself on here as well as in my own head, and of course when you go through something traumatic, your emotions can swing you in every direction. This is just the first time a relationship of mine has ended where I still cared about the person in a non-love type way. I care about her and what she's going through like I would any one of my good friends. I understand where you're coming from, and know you're right about the separation.

 

I definitely went through the pedestal phase, where she was perfect, and I ruined everything, and how nothing she did upset me and blah blah blah, but that phase has passed, or at least diminished a LOT. I've gotten to the point to where I can recognize her faults, and how she also contributed to the end of our relationship.

 

Either way, don't mind me...I just occasionally post crap here to pass the time. Great support group here. :)

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Oh, I mean I'm doing ok and living my life, but I'm still hung up on her..if that makes any sense. And I don't feel bad for her because she broke up with me, I feel bad because of the reasons. Again, nothing terrible, but I understand her reasons, and I should have seen the signs. I just know that unlike a lot of breakups (and I'm not 18...I've been through plenty of them), this is one where neither person is all that thrilled about it. I just know she's hurting too, and regardless of whether we're together or not, I still care about her.

 

 

 

Yeah I know what you mean. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I contradict myself on here as well as in my own head, and of course when you go through something traumatic, your emotions can swing you in every direction. This is just the first time a relationship of mine has ended where I still cared about the person in a non-love type way. I care about her and what she's going through like I would any one of my good friends. I understand where you're coming from, and know you're right about the separation.

 

I definitely went through the pedestal phase, where she was perfect, and I ruined everything, and how nothing she did upset me and blah blah blah, but that phase has passed, or at least diminished a LOT. I've gotten to the point to where I can recognize her faults, and how she also contributed to the end of our relationship.

 

Either way, don't mind me...I just occasionally post crap here to pass the time. Great support group here. :)

 

 

I mean it is cool that you care about her. But bottom line she isn't your concern any more and being friends now will hamper your effort to be available for your next relationship. Be friends in 6 months or a year. Now it is too confusing and you probably have false hope even if you don't consciously realize it.

 

If you didn't love her then it is a different story and this transition could be easy. But if you did love her i think you need to try to not worry about her. Worry about you.

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I mean it is cool that you care about her. But bottom line she isn't your concern any more and being friends now will hamper your effort to be available for your next relationship. Be friends in 6 months or a year. Now it is too confusing and you probably have false hope even if you don't consciously realize it.

 

If you didn't love her then it is a different story and this transition could be easy. But if you did love her i think you need to try to not worry about her. Worry about you.

 

Yeah, I get that. I told her we can't be friends right now, and she agrees. We haven't seen each other in a while, and don't plan on it anytime soon. The occasional text pleasantry is shared, but that's as far as it's gone in over a month. No visits, no phone calls, no facebook posts...etc.,

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aliceinthebox
The sadness comes in waves, still even 10 weeks later. It's hard to shake the feeling that everything good in your life is gone. But, I can't be bitter, and I'm not resentful.

 

She had her reasons to end it, while I wasn't a bad boyfriend (never cheated, verbally abused, physically abused etc.,), I admit I could have been better, and I realize my faults. At this time, I haven't done enough to convince her that she needs me in her life. With college, my living situation, and work, I just spread myself too thin, and didn't do everything I could/should have.

 

I do however, honestly believe that she still loves me, and misses me. And even though she was the one who dumped me, I can't help but feel bad for her. I know that even though this was her decision, it wasn't an easy one.

 

She wants to be friends eventually, as do I, but we both realize it's impossible right now. She sees me and just cries and cries, but I can't be mad at her for doing what she thinks she needs to do for herself.

 

Am I the only one that feels this way? Anyone else not harboring bitterness? I know sometimes getting mad at the other person can help the healing process, and I try to occasionally, but I always fall back to this.

 

I wish this letter was from my ex. I've read your other posts and beside the ages, it's exactly the same.... You are a thoughtful guy.

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A n t h o n y

Hmmmm. I dont hate my Ex I hate the decisions she's making but she's 17 ... She's going to make mistakes, get hurt over and over and by the time she finally takes a stand, realizes she deserves better and is ready to move forward in life it will be too late for Me + Her ... It always is and that's life I suppose.

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A n t h o n y
I've said it many times Harbouring resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Good for you for having such a mature attitude.

 

My last two ex's harbour no bitterness towards me. That is not because they like me (they actually greatly dislike me) its because they are indifferent towards me. Not sure thats a healthy way to deal with the aftermath of a breakup. Stay angry until the anger fades...

 

After each breakup I initially felt anger. But when I had a chance to reflect I realised that it takes two for a relationship to break down. These days I tend to focus on my role and my failures in a relationship. That is the only way you really learn lessons from a relationship.

 

Analyzing your ex's cruel behaviour or his/her loving words just doesn't get you anywhere. it just keeps you in rut. My last two ex's were/are great girls. I over stepped the boundaries in thinking I needed to 'help' them so that they would go along with my idea of how our relationship(s) would work. Dumb eh..

 

Both showed me some cruel sides in the end, but I would rather remember the nice times and wish them well in their future relationships. I truly believe the right person brings the best out of us and not the worst. I believe the right guy for them will bring out the special side they both have and not want to change who they fundamentally are.

 

If you were close to prefect throughout the relationship and you ex was still cruel, you still need to let that bitterness go and believe the next one won't be..By doing that we deal with emotional baggage in the right way. By not doing that you are guaranteeing unforeseen problems in future relationships no matter how good the match.

 

Good attitude Love Bytes..

 

That's quite untrue honestly.

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Break ups don't need to make you bitter. Sometimes there is just sadness it didn't work, and a hope that they find love elsewhere and are happy in life

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I feel similar towards my ex. He left me in early December last year, and oh my GOD it was horrible!

 

I have gone through the typical phases of adjustment. Denial first. Trying to bargain with him, begging basically for ANYTHING he was willing to give me even if it obviously wouldn't make me happy or give me what I really needed. Then anger, questioning if he ever really loved me and how he could break up with me the way he did. Then depression (which went on a roller coaster ride with the anger). Then acceptance and soul searching and trying to settle on some peace and understanding.

 

Now it's been however many weeks...(I'm not good at adding up, ok? lol), I've been on low dose anti-depressants for about 5 weeks and have been feeling much better. More stable. I still think about him a lot, but it's always in positive terms now.

 

I actually also feel kind of bad for him. He ideally would still be with me but circumstances (of his choosing, to an extent) made it impossible, and now he's living in these circumstances that never made him happy, and he's lost me as well on top of it. The WAY he broke up with me SUCKED ROYALLY and I make no excuses or justifications for that, but I do understand. The secret to peace is understanding.

 

Hey OP, I also write songs and want to get an album made. Since my ex and I were together in early 2011, he's been my muse. I used to only write weird quirky songs about vegetables (lol), but since getting together with him, I actually was able to write love songs for the first time. SERIOUS songs. And since he left me, I have written 5 songs...all rather...sombre. Expressing the various stages in my adjustment...

 

1. Shattered Glass (3 weeks after he left) - shocked, sad song

2. Yesterday's News (4 weeks after) - angry song

3. Tell It To The Stars (4 weeks after also but I never finished it) - love song of understanding and acceptance, saying I will always love him but I can't tell him that anymore so I'll just tell it to the stars

4. Corner of the Bed (6 weeks after) - dark song about my own mind

5. Goodbye Familiar Stranger (7 weeks) - not saying goodbye to him or what we had, but goodbye to the heartache associated with it

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I feel similar towards my ex. He left me in early December last year, and oh my GOD it was horrible!

 

I have gone through the typical phases of adjustment. Denial first. Trying to bargain with him, begging basically for ANYTHING he was willing to give me even if it obviously wouldn't make me happy or give me what I really needed. Then anger, questioning if he ever really loved me and how he could break up with me the way he did. Then depression (which went on a roller coaster ride with the anger). Then acceptance and soul searching and trying to settle on some peace and understanding.

 

Now it's been however many weeks...(I'm not good at adding up, ok? lol), I've been on low dose anti-depressants for about 5 weeks and have been feeling much better. More stable. I still think about him a lot, but it's always in positive terms now.

 

I actually also feel kind of bad for him. He ideally would still be with me but circumstances (of his choosing, to an extent) made it impossible, and now he's living in these circumstances that never made him happy, and he's lost me as well on top of it. The WAY he broke up with me SUCKED ROYALLY and I make no excuses or justifications for that, but I do understand. The secret to peace is understanding.

 

Hey OP, I also write songs and want to get an album made. Since my ex and I were together in early 2011, he's been my muse. I used to only write weird quirky songs about vegetables (lol), but since getting together with him, I actually was able to write love songs for the first time. SERIOUS songs. And since he left me, I have written 5 songs...all rather...sombre. Expressing the various stages in my adjustment...

 

1. Shattered Glass (3 weeks after he left) - shocked, sad song

2. Yesterday's News (4 weeks after) - angry song

3. Tell It To The Stars (4 weeks after also but I never finished it) - love song of understanding and acceptance, saying I will always love him but I can't tell him that anymore so I'll just tell it to the stars

4. Corner of the Bed (6 weeks after) - dark song about my own mind

5. Goodbye Familiar Stranger (7 weeks) - not saying goodbye to him or what we had, but goodbye to the heartache associated with it

 

Yeah, it's rough.

 

I'd almost rather deal with a bad breakup. I've had those, and when they ended...it didn't feel great, but you can at least be pissed off...which I'm really good at. lol

 

I haven't written that much, I wrote this last one, and one about two weeks after we broke up that's kind of pathetic sounding, but you'll have that. Haha.

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Well, if you want pathetic, that's my first post-BU song, Shattered Glass. Basically it's saying I'm broken because of him and I'm now nothing more than shattered glass, and where once was my heart is now just shattered glass, and his words shattered glass, and he IS shattered glass.

 

I think I may have overdone the metaphor JUST a little! lol

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lovecutsrightthruu

Why did she break up with you? Sounds likes its 'fixable' once you get your sh*t together - right? Sounds like you still love each other.

 

Ps: Tara Maiden is probably going to chastize me as she is not a fan of second chances - sorry Tara - just asking the questions that came to mind when I read the post. :eek:

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I have passing resentful/bitter thoughts from time to time, but overall no I'm not bitter at my ex.

 

I understand why she did what she did. There is a part of her that is a great wonderful person and a part that's not so much... In the end I hope she learns and grows into that good person I know she can become.

 

I guess in my case I wasn't with a complete douchebag/b*tch so it's easier to not be bitter. I'd probably be more bitter if I was, but it would be a good lesson to learn how to avoid those kinds of people xD.

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Why did she break up with you? Sounds likes its 'fixable' once you get your sh*t together - right? Sounds like you still love each other.

 

Ps: Tara Maiden is probably going to chastize me as she is not a fan of second chances - sorry Tara - just asking the questions that came to mind when I read the post. :eek:

 

Pretty much. We've talked about it...and yeah, she still loves me, but with my current situation she just doesn't see things getting better. So as much as I'd like to think there's hope, I have to flush it away and try to move on, and if things come around, they do. If they don't, they don't. I don't expect her to wait around for me, and she doesn't expect me to wait around for her.

 

And second chances rarely work, but I can remember one of my best friend's going through a tough breakup with his gf about 7 years ago....they've been married 2.5 years now.

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