Hurting

[LostGirl11]

Broke up on the 1st January. He told me that he isn't going to start dating again for a long while. Just found him on a dating site. One that we met on. Most of you will say that I'm stupid for looking and that it's my own fault. So hurt right now, guess he is well and truly over me. I must have been a really **** girlfriend.

[LostGirl11]

I know he can do what he likes now. Seeing his profile was the most sickening feeling. Feel like I could actually puke.

[mutant]

I know he can do what he likes now. Seeing his profile was the most sickening feeling. Feel like I could actually puke.

 

You really shouldn't rub salt in fresh wounds, more often than not the information that we may unearth on-line is more than we can handle.

[Own Worst Enemy]

More likely he will go on a few cr.ap dates and get bored. He might even realise that other girls make him look at himself in a less positive light than your love.

 

But... Who cares? He's someone else's problem now. This is what you have to keep remembering, through the times when it comes easily and the times when you want to rip out your own heart to stop it hurting.

 

Exactly this happened to me when we first split up some 18 months ago (don't do the "friend" sh.it like I did!). It nearly killed me, although he did come off it again at the time. I'm sure he is back on it right now, but I've learned not to look, and I'll never look. You can do the same: take this pain and remember if next time you are tempted...

[ak8o8]

Just because someone is not with you doesn't mean you were a ****ty girlfriend. I don't know your situation but he might have been the ****ty boyfriend and not know what he is missing out on. I was dumped by my gf in December but I never felt I was the ****ty boyfriend...I know that I was the committed one in our relationship.

[geegirl]

I must have been a really **** girlfriend.

 

This type of attitude will get you nowhere.

 

I keep saying stop beating yourself up and to start looking at the reality of who he really is. But you keep idealizing him and devaluing yourself.

 

He's dating, not because you were a "****ty" girlfriend but because the relationship has ended and he wasn't invested. Why does everything have to be about you and how unworthy you are?

 

Stop.

[LostGirl11]

This type of attitude will get you nowhere.

 

I keep saying stop beating yourself up and to start looking at the reality of who he really is. But you keep idealizing him and devaluing yourself.

 

He's dating, not because you were a "****ty" girlfriend but because the relationship has ended and he wasn't invested. Why does everything have to be about you and how unworthy you are?

 

Stop.

 

I must have been. He ended it with me. He wants to replace me asap, says quite a lot about me really. I'm obviously crap.

[Njeanne]

dumpers often jump into a new relationship quickly because they can't stand being alone. 99% of the relationships so soon after a long term relationship won't work out, and it's not that he is on a dating site that he will be actively searching for someone or find so quickly.

[LostGirl11]

More likely he will go on a few cr.ap dates and get bored. He might even realise that other girls make him look at himself in a less positive light than your love.

 

But... Who cares? He's someone else's problem now. This is what you have to keep remembering, through the times when it comes easily and the times when you want to rip out your own heart to stop it hurting.

 

Exactly this happened to me when we first split up some 18 months ago (don't do the "friend" sh.it like I did!). It nearly killed me, although he did come off it again at the time. I'm sure he is back on it right now, but I've learned not to look, and I'll never look. You can do the same: take this pain and remember if next time you are tempted...

 

What do you mean? Less positive light than my love?

 

We're not friends. Never will be.

[geegirl]

I must have been. He ended it with me. He wants to replace me asap, says quite a lot about me really. I'm obviously crap.

 

So all the things you PM'd me about him were untrue. All the things you said about his character justified him leaving you because you were the problem?

 

He is on a dating site because the relationship is over and he's moving on for his own reasons. You can be the BEST girlfriend in the world and men will leave you. Maybe he was so emotionally stunted and unavailable in the R that he could not appreciate what he had with you. Maybe he was too selfish (based on what you have told me) to know how to have a healthy relationship with someone.

 

He "replaced" you not because you were crap. It's because he was not invested. A relationship DOES NOT guarantee "forever". People leave, whether you are good or bad.

[LostGirl11]

So all the things you PM'd me about him were untrue. All the things you said about his character justified him leaving you because you were the problem?

 

He is on a dating site because the relationship is over and he's moving on for his own reasons. You can be the BEST girlfriend in the world and men will leave you. Maybe he was so emotionally stunted and unavailable in the R that he could not appreciate what he had with you. Maybe he was too selfish (based on what you have told me) to know how to have a healthy relationship with someone.

 

He "replaced" you not because you were crap. It's because he was not invested. A relationship DOES NOT guarantee "forever". People leave, whether you are good or bad.

 

It was all true. I can't remember what I told you, remind me?

 

I feel stupid for falling for his empty words 'I can see you being my wife' 'If things don't work out with you then I'll be done with relationships' Yes, ok, so you're on the site that we met on only a few weeks after breaking up with me. Talk about bad form.

[geegirl]

It was all true. I can't remember what I told you, remind me?

 

I feel stupid for falling for his empty words 'I can see you being my wife' 'If things don't work out with you then I'll be done with relationships' Yes, ok, so you're on the site that we met on only a few weeks after breaking up with me. Talk about bad form.

 

No, go back and read what you said and write it down on a pad and REMIND YOURSELF everytime you feel this way. Stop the self-loathing. If you want to get out of this you have to do the work yourself.

 

Words mean absolutely nothing. I've been promised all sorts only for them to cheat. You're not the exception. You believe the words because you feel they come from a good place, but anyone can say anything. Look at their actions.

[LostGirl11]

No, go back and read what you said and write it down on a pad and REMIND YOURSELF everytime you feel this way. Stop the self-loathing. If you want to get out of this you have to do the work yourself.

 

Words mean absolutely nothing. I've been promised all sorts only for them to cheat. You're not the exception. You believe the words because you feel they come from a good place, but anyone can say anything. Look at their actions.

 

I did try but the PM layout on here is crap. Can only see the last message you sent. Sorry.

 

I don't think I'll ever get over him. I've never been this bad over past break up's. I will end up dating just for the sake of it and I won't believe anything any man tells me.

 

I'll probably end up being the cat lady. Smelling of cats piss.

[geegirl]

I did try but the PM layout on here is crap. Can only see the last message you sent. Sorry.

 

I don't think I'll ever get over him. I've never been this bad over past break up's. I will end up dating just for the sake of it and I won't believe anything any man tells me.

 

I'll probably end up being the cat lady. Smelling of cats piss.

 

I will send you the PM that you sent me about how he treated you. Make your list about the realities of him.

 

You've only invested 2-3 weeks of NC. Stay away from dating and work on yourself. There is clearly a lack of self-love and self-esteem in your posts.

 

If after putting in work and effort into your self-development and you still want to be a cat lady and smell of cat piss, then have a piss party and be content with life. But if you keep self-loathing and woe is me all the time, you will never give yourself a chance to better yourself.

 

Throwing your life away for some man that could not even give you a hug or hold your hand when you cried about your sick pet, instead carried on with his chess and completely ignored you?! Aim higher for yourself. I understand your pain and feelings of loss, but when you start to see the reality of what a douchebag he was, then you'll see all this devaluing that you are doing to yourself was just not worth it.

[Own Worst Enemy]

That if you gave him everything, when he goes out with other girls who don't cream their pants over him, he might start to see himself in a less flattering light and realise what you gave him.

 

Or he might not.

 

The point is, you have to stop caring. I know it's hard. I wouldn't be here if it were easy! But I'm trying and so must you.

 

As for the self pitying, well. We could all blame ourselves for all of it. But that kind of self loathing isn't healthy. Are you lucky enough to have your mum? I lost mine a couple of years ago, but if her baby girl read something like that out about herself, she'd have been devastated and disappointed in me. Think of someone you love and imagine them seeing you give in like that... No way!!

[LostGirl11]

That if you gave him everything, when he goes out with other girls who don't cream their pants over him, he might start to see himself in a less flattering light and realise what you gave him.

 

Or he might not.

 

The point is, you have to stop caring. I know it's hard. I wouldn't be here if it were easy! But I'm trying and so must you.

 

As for the self pitying, well. We could all blame ourselves for all of it. But that kind of self loathing isn't healthy. Are you lucky enough to have your mum? I lost mine a couple of years ago, but if her baby girl read something like that out about herself, she'd have been devastated and disappointed in me. Think of someone you love and imagine them seeing you give in like that... No way!!

 

I kind of know that nobody will ever love him like I did. He might realise that one day, but he probably won't.

 

Yes, I have my mum and I feel terrible for letting her see me like this. She doesn't need it. I think she's getting pissed of with it. I should be looking after her now. I'm sorry about your mum

[Own Worst Enemy]

Just remember that there are people in your life who love you unconditionally and rely on that for a bit - but also use it to remember your self worth x

[LostGirl11]

Just remember that there are people in your life who love you unconditionally and rely on that for a bit - but also use it to remember your self worth x

 

I know, Of course she loves me but it's different isn't it...

[Own Worst Enemy]

But she is soooooooo much more important than he is, and she will be there for you long after he is just a memory that you can laugh at from time to time.

 

Just keep thinking it every time he pops into your head, and eventually you'll believe it for 30 seconds. Then 35... And so on...

[Own Worst Enemy]

He is irrelevant. Soon it will feel that way, if you stay strong.

[LostGirl11]

But she is soooooooo much more important than he is, and she will be there for you long after he is just a memory that you can laugh at from time to time.

 

Just keep thinking it every time he pops into your head, and eventually you'll believe it for 30 seconds. Then 35... And so on...

 

I really am sorry about your mum. I hope you have plenty of friends that are helping you though your break up. Please don't settle for 'just firends'

[Own Worst Enemy]

It does put it into perspective when I am going crazy over this douche. I ask myself logically whether he is worth a single tear compared to my MUM and the answer is always no. And I don't cry for her every day, so I'm damned if I'm crying over him!

 

The ex told me once that I should be over it by now because it has been a couple of years and apparently everyone else can just get over it... Nice huh?!?

 

The thing is, we let these guys make us feel that our life is over without them. But the truth is, it's not. We have so many amazing other people around. We just need to accept that we are going to feel like death for a bit, then miserable for a bit longer and then..... We'll be ok. And the other amazing people will still be there for us.

[LostGirl11]

It does put it into perspective when I am going crazy over this douche. I ask myself logically whether he is worth a single tear compared to my MUM and the answer is always no. And I don't cry for her every day, so I'm damned if I'm crying over him!

 

The ex told me once that I should be over it by now because it has been a couple of years and apparently everyone else can just get over it... Nice huh?!?

 

The thing is, we let these guys make us feel that our life is over without them. But the truth is, it's not. We have so many amazing other people around. We just need to accept that we are going to feel like death for a bit, then miserable for a bit longer and then..... We'll be ok. And the other amazing people will still be there for us.

 

He said that about your mum?! Also read that he called you fat. What a dick. How long have you been NC?

 

I've cried pretty much everyday since the 1st Jan!

[Own Worst Enemy]

And whoring it up around south America even as we speak!

 

Almost 6 weeks NC after 2 years of every day contact hurts a lot. But much better than panicking because he is out and I have no idea what he is doing. It sucks that they have let us go, but ignorance really is bliss.

 

You need to treat yourself I think. Even something small like a manicure. Also tell us a few things about him and what he was really like and let us kick a few holes in his image!

[LostGirl11]

And whoring it up around south America even as we speak!

 

Almost 6 weeks NC after 2 years of every day contact hurts a lot. But much better than panicking because he is out and I have no idea what he is doing. It sucks that they have let us go, but ignorance really is bliss.

 

You need to treat yourself I think. Even something small like a manicure. Also tell us a few things about him and what he was really like and let us kick a few holes in his image!

 

Keep it up. Has he contacted you? Really, he sounds horrible. I should treat myself yes, but a shower is a treat for me at the moment! I can't find any joy in anything. It's almost like I'm punishing myself!

 

He is perfect to me right now! Why is it when they dump us we see them as some kind of pissing hero!

 

He has zero empathy. Like your ex. I once thought my dog had stopped breathing. She hadn't, was just in a deep sleep but she is old and isn't in good health. This obviously scared the life out of me so I went upstairs to tell him. Started crying. You know what he done? Nothing. Just sat there playing his chess game. A hug would have been nice.