becks77 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Just curious...has anyone found it easier to move on when you find out your ex has moved on to someone else? I'm really struggling to get rid of that last piece of hope that my ex is gone forever - obviously it would be terrible to hear that they have met someone but does it help you move on quicker in the long run...? Link to post Share on other sites
gonefishin Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Hard to know ... A lot of people's on here worst nightmare To find that out ... But maybe it hits like a truck and its the final nail in the coffin When you hear this and decide to move on!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I never found this out for myself, but I've had people tell me it makes you want them more. because you know that they are gone. You know that they aren't yours anymore, so you miss them and feel worse. Then you start comparing yourself to the person they are dating and say to yourself "How could he/she be with him/her! I am so much better than they are because x y and z! How could they be so stupid!" Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 In my personal experience, I think maybe. A few years ago the girl I'd been dating (which brought me to this site) broke up with me saying she needed to figure herself out and be single for a while. Whether through naivety or denial, I took her at her word, and I thought that her reasons left the door open for us in the future. I found out later that she'd been seeing someone new all along. And while either way I was going to be heartbroken, at least if I'd known she was with someone else I'd have been able to mentally and emotionally close the door on a future with her. I'd have been able to start moving on earlier. And it was for that reason, the fact that I had wasted so much time pining for her rather than the deception itself, that I resented her for so long. What I think is helpful though is taking some control over a situation which seems to be out of your hands. Part of what makes breakups hard to get over for those who've been dumped is the sense of powerlessness that comes with it. The other person opted to have you out of his or her life, and your hands were tied. And while it may not be true that you can change what happened, you do have some say in the future. You can still make a decision regarding your relationship. You can decide that because of what happened, you will not consider taking them back, should that ever happen. So regardless of whether or not you find out your ex is dating someone new, it doesn't really matter, because the choice to come back to you is not something that's open to them anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
H3Drvr Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I find much easier to move on once I find out they are with someone else. In fact, I've often kept ex's as friends on FB but as soon as I saw them with someone else, I'd cut bait and move on. They only exception I've made is with my last ex. I recently de friended her although i don't believe shes with anyone right now; i think i would lose it if i saw her with someone else. So instead of waiting to see this, I've made a pre-emptive strike to erase her from my life. For myself, if they remain single I always have this stupid idea in my head that "why would they want to be single when they could be with me?!?!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author becks77 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 I never found this out for myself, but I've had people tell me it makes you want them more. because you know that they are gone. You know that they aren't yours anymore, so you miss them and feel worse. Then you start comparing yourself to the person they are dating and say to yourself "How could he/she be with him/her! I am so much better than they are because x y and z! How could they be so stupid!" That's what I'd be afraid of - part of me thinks it would help me move on, as upset as I would be, but then part of me doesn't want that definite answer that will then make me think about him with someone - even though I do that already! In my personal experience, I think maybe. A few years ago the girl I'd been dating (which brought me to this site) broke up with me saying she needed to figure herself out and be single for a while. Whether through naivety or denial, I took her at her word, and I thought that her reasons left the door open for us in the future. I found out later that she'd been seeing someone new all along. And while either way I was going to be heartbroken, at least if I'd known she was with someone else I'd have been able to mentally and emotionally close the door on a future with her. I'd have been able to start moving on earlier. And it was for that reason, the fact that I had wasted so much time pining for her rather than the deception itself, that I resented her for so long. What I think is helpful though is taking some control over a situation which seems to be out of your hands. Part of what makes breakups hard to get over for those who've been dumped is the sense of powerlessness that comes with it. The other person opted to have you out of his or her life, and your hands were tied. And while it may not be true that you can change what happened, you do have some say in the future. You can still make a decision regarding your relationship. You can decide that because of what happened, you will not consider taking them back, should that ever happen. So regardless of whether or not you find out your ex is dating someone new, it doesn't really matter, because the choice to come back to you is not something that's open to them anyway. You've got a good way of looking at things - I have days where I feel like I wouldn't want him back and then other days I'd do anything to have another chance - it doesn't really matter, because the choice to come back to you is not something that's open to them anyway - oh I wish I could think like this and mean it! I find much easier to move on once I find out they are with someone else. In fact, I've often kept ex's as friends on FB but as soon as I saw them with someone else, I'd cut bait and move on. They only exception I've made is with my last ex. I recently de friended her although i don't believe shes with anyone right now; i think i would lose it if i saw her with someone else. So instead of waiting to see this, I've made a pre-emptive strike to erase her from my life. For myself, if they remain single I always have this stupid idea in my head that "why would they want to be single when they could be with me?!?!" Yeah I'm struggling with that thought - I keep thinking that if he's single maybe there's a chance for me - I'm so torn! I definitely don't think I could cope with knowing that he's with someone - but it would kill that hope... Link to post Share on other sites
316 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 So far its been much easier for me to move on after I found out she's interested in a new guy. I refuse to make someone a priority when they only see me as an option. I wish more people on this site could have the same mentality. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Derpderpleton Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I've seen my ex posting to a couple of different guys on social media, giving them her number and whatnot. Making herself look desperate and lonely. This certainly changed my mentality from sadness to angry/motivated. I want to make her regret what she's doing to me right now. I guess that's not going to help me 'get over' her in the long run, but this is just what I'm feeling right now after seeing these posts. We have to work with each other and our families are pretty close, so getting over her is going to be hard enough as it is. I'll be taking this anger and motivation to the gym from now on. I don't think I've ever been so eager to start lifting in my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
its a lifestyle Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I knew it was going to happen, I'd already drilled it into my head before I found out... I'm optimistic about positive things which could happen, but I'm very pessimistic about negative things which could happen... I always accept the worst of a bad situation before it even happens, that way if it does happen... I'm never taken by surprise and given more than I can handle. I told myself... she's F'ing another guy already, I know it, I had no information that she was, I'm just not stupid... we've broken up, it's for real this time, she's single, she's completely free to F whoever she wants, and she's probably, definitely making use of that fact. No more than 5 weeks later... I find out she's seeing a new guy. It didn't hurt because I already has that installed in my head... It didn't make moving on "easier", but it certainly made it "realer" and killed off any remaining shreds of hope. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 hence why NC is such a godsend. sometimes i panic about him being with someone else. sometimes i toss my hair and think, screw you for throwing away the best thing you ever had, you must be chuffing miserable mate. either way i just don't know. and that's the best way to keep me sane! Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Just curious...has anyone found it easier to move on when you find out your ex has moved on to someone else? I'm really struggling to get rid of that last piece of hope that my ex is gone forever - obviously it would be terrible to hear that they have met someone but does it help you move on quicker in the long run...? ye si think it does help to accept it, I think it is in itself a form of closure......when an ex has a partner and another person is in the picture and that person you accept them as being part of your exes life, its time to close the book..and you can open another one whether the last book had a sad ending happy ending pathetic ending....its been read....deb Link to post Share on other sites
LeliiMarie612 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 It does indeed, because it's basically a sign that they have moved on to a point where they're interested in some one else. You will feel some type of way because you were interested in them and it's painful when you realize that you are no longer the person they want, but in the end you'll see it as away to have moved on, because you are now sure how they feel about you. The only exception is of course, rebound relationships. And those are the most obvious ones. Link to post Share on other sites
H3Drvr Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Yeah I'm struggling with that thought - I keep thinking that if he's single maybe there's a chance for me - I'm so torn! I definitely don't think I could cope with knowing that he's with someone - but it would kill that hope... Maybe the perceived finality of our ex's being with someone else is a good thing. With all hope destroyed, it can give/force us the motivation to let go and finally move on...to better things! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author becks77 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 hence why NC is such a godsend. sometimes i panic about him being with someone else. sometimes i toss my hair and think, screw you for throwing away the best thing you ever had, you must be chuffing miserable mate. either way i just don't know. and that's the best way to keep me sane! I think I agree with you - as much as I think it might help closure, it might not and I don't want to take that chance - too painful! I'm pretty sure my ex is seeing someone but I don't know for sure so I guess I can just about deal with that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author becks77 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Maybe the perceived finality of our ex's being with someone else is a good thing. With all hope destroyed, it can give/force us the motivation to let go and finally move on...to better things! I want to believe that this would help me - but I have a very vivid imagination and knowing who he was seeing would be such a headf**k! Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Dammit this thread is making me want to find out if my ex is dating someone or not! You all bring up great points lol. I just don't want to feel that hurt when I find out. and if I find out she's single, I'll want to reach out to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author becks77 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Dammit this thread is making me want to find out if my ex is dating someone or not! You all bring up great points lol. I just don't want to feel that hurt when I find out. and if I find out she's single, I'll want to reach out to her. I know! It's such a hard decision! In some ways it might help me move on quicker but then what if it doesn't? what if it sets me off fixating on what he's doing with 'her' - at least the not knowing means I don't have anything concrete to focus on - grrr! it's a tough decision though! Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I know! It's such a hard decision! In some ways it might help me move on quicker but then what if it doesn't? what if it sets me off fixating on what he's doing with 'her' - at least the not knowing means I don't have anything concrete to focus on - grrr! it's a tough decision though! There is no decision. I struggled with this before and the logic is faulty. I almost snooped on my ex to find out if she was with still with new guy..so i could move on even more..if i knew this would help me....WRONG... In the end i decided this was just another trick my mind was playing on me to convince me to break NC This idea is soooooo stupid. Ill answer. YES they are with someone else. And if they aren't then they are tying to find someone who isn't us. We are ancient history. DONT GO DOWN THIS PATH. IT IS YOUR BRAIN TRICKING YOU. Cav 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I've found that not knowing what is going on with him has been the best thing for me... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
A n t h o n y Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Made it worse for me but that's only because i just recently found out she went back to her douche ex that beat her among other things. People never learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Just curious...has anyone found it easier to move on when you find out your ex has moved on to someone else? I'm really struggling to get rid of that last piece of hope that my ex is gone forever - obviously it would be terrible to hear that they have met someone but does it help you move on quicker in the long run...? I think its completely immaterial to be honest. It really doesn't matter what your ex does or doesn't do. My last ex had something lined up as she was disconnecting for me. Some people do that. Good luck to them. Moving on in a healthy way from a relationship comes down to one person and one person alone... YOU... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NoLeafClover Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 My ex thinks I am dating a previous ex after she broke my heart which is not the case at all. I still think of her everyday but I know better to stay NC. I think at first she got very upset when she started to think I was with my ex ex and started to conctact me throwing me breadcrumbs. Now she has stopped. It's been close to three weeks I haven't heard anything. I'd say that yes, in her case it is easier to move on after finding out your ex has someone else in the picture already. In my case, I wouldn't be surprised if she already has a fwb, bf or one of her ex's back in the picture. I wouldn't take her back even if she was to get on her knees in front of my door - "Noone messes with this heart" Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Just curious...has anyone found it easier to move on when you find out your ex has moved on to someone else? I'm really struggling to get rid of that last piece of hope that my ex is gone forever - obviously it would be terrible to hear that they have met someone but does it help you move on quicker in the long run...? no, because then you'll just start comparing yourself to the new person and figuring out why you're better. that could then lead to you trying to convince your ex that you are better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Addison312 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I'd rather not know, and in my situation, he is essentially a loner and has the hardest time letting anyone in. I'm pretty sure I will start dating before him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author becks77 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 There is no decision. I struggled with this before and the logic is faulty. I almost snooped on my ex to find out if she was with still with new guy..so i could move on even more..if i knew this would help me....WRONG... In the end i decided this was just another trick my mind was playing on me to convince me to break NC This idea is soooooo stupid. Ill answer. YES they are with someone else. And if they aren't then they are tying to find someone who isn't us. We are ancient history. DONT GO DOWN THIS PATH. IT IS YOUR BRAIN TRICKING YOU. Cav You are right of course - my brain is great at the tricks - one day I'll think I'm kicking this heartbreak's ass and the next I feel low as low can be - but as much as I want to move on quick, I don;t think knowing my ex's current dating sitch will help at all - thanks Cav Link to post Share on other sites
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