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Breaking up, NC vs The Notebook


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My dilemma. My girlfriend of 8 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago. She wouldn't move to my city and that was pretty much it. SHe later said that she needs to work on herself and can't bring anything to a relationship. So I was talking to a friend of mine who got married over the summer. She is younger than her husband by 11 years as was my girlfriend. She told me the story of how for months, her husband wrote love letters to her. Kept after her and finally he invited her to Florida for vacation for a month and her mother, encouraged her to go. Well, that was that. It immediately sounded like the story from the move Notebook. So my question is, how do I know if my girlfriend(ex) needs me to reinforce my feelings for her over a long break in our relationship or if I just need to maintain no contact, chalk it up to getting crapped on again and dealling with all this hurt. You have to consider though, the reason I would do the notebook bit is because I had planned on asking her to marry me in May of this year on our 1 year anniversary. I already have the ring. :( What do you all think? Let her go forever or try beating my head against a wall? Personally, I need the beating.

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"1 year anniversary"..Marry her?...Dude I was with my ex ex for 6 years and never got to marriage and I was with her everyday of my life. Actually all my relationships were over 1 1/2 years and marriage never crossed my mind not because I didn't want to but because it's still too soon. There are others on here that got out of a relationship after 10+ years without being married.

What I am trying to say is that perhaps you should evaluate when to get serious with someone after such a short time. Not even 1 year and she walked out on you? 1 year in a relationship could still be the honey moon phase to some.

I don't see much details on 'Why' things ended and 'How' but I'd be re-evaluating my decision about being serious with someone who just ups and leaves. At least put marriage on hold for 2 more years with her she you two end up getting back together..

 

About the Notebook - I think too much television got you chasing dreams.

Edited by NoLeafClover
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Well, it's not like she was the first girl in my life. There have been plenty. Difference was that she was the first girl to make me feel like that, to go out and actually buy a freaking ring. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing. I thought long and hard about it. I wanted her. I wanted her to be with me and build a family. But you're probably dead on with the television sap! Guess the happy endings only happen in the movies.

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SHe later said that she needs to work on herself and can't bring anything to a relationship.

That's got to be my favorite break up line.

 

It's just a movie. She broke up in the real world where begging and pleading won't make you look good. Beside if at 8 months you knew if she was marriage material or not, it was still too soon to buy the ring.

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Well, it's not like she was the first girl in my life. There have been plenty. Difference was that she was the first girl to make me feel like that, to go out and actually buy a freaking ring. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing. I thought long and hard about it. I wanted her. I wanted her to be with me and build a family. But you're probably dead on with the television sap! Guess the happy endings only happen in the movies.

It makes perfect sense and I am sure it's very hard on you my friend.

 

I would say it does depend on the relationship you guys had and how she is. Some girls might take it as creepy, some might truly see it for what it's worth.

 

I had a similar experience when I dated a girl my junior year in college (we ended up being together for 1yr 3-4 months) We ended up BU once (we were in our 8 months or so) then got back together shortly after. From what I remember, she was the one to break things off but once we got back together she then told me she was waiting on me to show up at her doorstep with a ring so she could take me back. Even after we got back together, she'd always comment about how she liked a guy coming back to her with a ring after they broke things off. I am not sure what triggers some dumpers to think it's okay for the dumpee to show up with a ring on their footstep after breaking dumpees heart.

 

She also liked the notebook and had a big NB poster hanging on her wall.

 

I hope you're not getting any ideas, but I guess there are girls out there that would consider getting back after such gestures.

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It makes perfect sense and I am sure it's very hard on you my friend.

 

I would say it does depend on the relationship you guys had and how she is. Some girls might take it as creepy, some might truly see it for what it's worth.

 

I had a similar experience when I dated a girl my junior year in college (we ended up being together for 1yr 3-4 months) We ended up BU once (we were in our 8 months or so) then got back together shortly after. From what I remember, she was the one to break things off but once we got back together she then told me she was waiting on me to show up at her doorstep with a ring so she could take me back. Even after we got back together, she'd always comment about how she liked a guy coming back to her with a ring after they broke things off. I am not sure what triggers some dumpers to think it's okay for the dumpee to show up with a ring on their footstep after breaking dumpees heart.

 

She also liked the notebook and had a big NB poster hanging on her wall.

 

I hope you're not getting any ideas, but I guess there are girls out there that would consider getting back after such gestures.

 

I love a good romantic comedy ("zack and miri make a porno" being my favorite ever) but I keep in mind that it's just a movie.

 

Thinking about it, I have never successfully been back with a guy I had broken with.. if we tried again after some time went under the bridge, it was to find ourselves calling it again within months or weeks. It's over for a reason, no amount of pleading is going to make me change my mind.

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No I will not be showing up with a ring asking her to take me back and be my wife. No way. It's an event that I have thought about how it should happen and how it will go down and it will be a joyous moment (if it ever happens). But I won't be doing any of that nonesense. She left me. She wouldn't move 3 hours away from her social network...for me. It's over. The only way it couldn't be over is if she showed up on my doorstep with a suitcase. Unfortunately, it hurts like hell and I'm depressed as I once was. Thus, me writing here. I didn't break no contact though in an email this morning. So back to square one.

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Yeah, movies are to entertain. They aren't meant to be factual accounts about how life works.

 

 

A few years ago I was here because my first girlfriend after divorce ended up cheating on me with one of my co-workers. I went into the toilet. THis time. I'm not in the toilet completely. I'm sitting on the edge. I'm gripping the bottom of the bowl hoping not to fall in. Because it took me 2 years to get out. I fell hard. I almost ended it. But I recovered. I didn't date. I didn't do anything but work, hang with friends, workout and hang with my kids. Then out of the blue a friend of a friend contacts me on facebook and lightening struck. I was cautious. I looked for red flags and found a few. I confronted her on these. We worked through it. Then on New Years, she left. It was too much. She wouldn't live with me and nothing I could do would make it happen. But now, I"m back to drinking....a lot! I don't eat. I sleep ok. But I rarely eat. I actually recalled the email I sent her this morning so hopefully I"m still no contact and it's 3 days. I want to vomit. This girl sought me out, through one of the roughest times of her life and now....I'm not worth moving for. F that. But it's so hard because she was so attractive. So much passion. So much of everythying I"ve looked for in a woman. F me.

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A few years ago I was here because my first girlfriend after divorce ended up cheating on me with one of my co-workers. I went into the toilet. THis time. I'm not in the toilet completely. I'm sitting on the edge. I'm gripping the bottom of the bowl hoping not to fall in. Because it took me 2 years to get out. I fell hard. I almost ended it. But I recovered. I didn't date. I didn't do anything but work, hang with friends, workout and hang with my kids. Then out of the blue a friend of a friend contacts me on facebook and lightening struck. I was cautious. I looked for red flags and found a few. I confronted her on these. We worked through it. Then on New Years, she left. It was too much. She wouldn't live with me and nothing I could do would make it happen. But now, I"m back to drinking....a lot! I don't eat. I sleep ok. But I rarely eat. I actually recalled the email I sent her this morning so hopefully I"m still no contact and it's 3 days. I want to vomit. This girl sought me out, through one of the roughest times of her life and now....I'm not worth moving for. F that. But it's so hard because she was so attractive. So much passion. So much of everythying I"ve looked for in a woman. F me.

 

You seem to be moving way too fast emotionally wise. And to be taking break ups way too hard when they occur. I'd work on this aspect of your personality before stepping in another relationship, with a professional.

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It's a character flaw. All my life I've sought out the compassion and love of others to promote positive self worth feelings. I've sought all my life for love and to love. I rush to love in some feeble attempt to capture it before it fades out and leaves, only to actually be pushing it out the door in reality. I do not throw myself at just anyone though. I'm selective. I'm picky. And when I find someone that meets most of the things I look for in a woman, I go all in. I don't want the fairytale but rather the comfort and stability of knowing I'm not going through this life alone, with no help. I want help with kids, finances, activities, events, hobbies. I don't freaking want to be alone doing all these things and because of all that I'm not happy being single! Right now I'm emotionally bent. I forced myself to cry ONCE about this break up. I forced it because I needed it. But why can't I cry over losing a love? But I hurt like there is no tomorrow? How can a doctor fix that? How can a professional fix how much of myself I give away in the hopes of having a significant other? I mean, I realize I need help, but how does that translate into something concrete to fix me?

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Today I feel so sick to my stomach. Its my brain trying to flush all this negativity out of me. It's my brain saying you don't need this hurt anymore. If there is a God and I were to be able to speak to him I would only have one question: Why do you hold back the one true thing that I need to be happy in this life? It's not money or material possessions. It's not a career. It's freaking love. Did my parents give me love as a kid. Sort of. Is this an off-shoot of the horrible self esteem issues I had growing up? Yes. Of course. So why, now that I'm 42 years old, is love the only single thing I've ever craved like water, kept from me and how do I not want it anymore?!!!!!!!

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Today I feel so sick to my stomach. Its my brain trying to flush all this negativity out of me. It's my brain saying you don't need this hurt anymore. If there is a God and I were to be able to speak to him I would only have one question: Why do you hold back the one true thing that I need to be happy in this life? It's not money or material possessions. It's not a career. It's freaking love. Did my parents give me love as a kid. Sort of. Is this an off-shoot of the horrible self esteem issues I had growing up? Yes. Of course. So why, now that I'm 42 years old, is love the only single thing I've ever craved like water, kept from me and how do I not want it anymore?!!!!!!!

 

You seem to know the answers already. You will always feel lonely and alone if you cannot love yourself. Low self esteem and abandonment issues are exactly the two things to rob you of self-love, which leads you to come crashing down when a relationship fails. You have no self-support system, no self-love to fall back on.

 

I'm working on the exact same issue at the moment, with the help of an excellent therapist :love: every day I try to remind myself that there is one person who will never leave me, never hurt me, never promise me the earth then abandon me, to whom I will always be the top priority, who will always love me... Can you guess who it is?

 

My ex!!

 

Jokes. ME, of course. Or at least, that's the goal. To be my own hero, my own best friend. Once you have that, you will never truly be alone or lonely.

 

I can't recommend a good therapist enough. I think it's time to start the process, it's never too early or too late to start the one thing that will truly help you become the best person you can be. You seem to have a lot of love to give, why not spare a bit for yourself eh.

 

Big hugs x

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