Jump to content

depressed and can't work, money low


Recommended Posts

destroyed4sho

I have posted before and wrote about how I have been LC for 5 months and about a month of NC with ex. They have not contacted me either. I can't seem to move on, and I work from home and cant seem to motivate myself for the past 5 months. My work has been suffering and financial situation has not been good at all, late on rent. Each month keeps going by too fast and I can't keep up. I cry everyday morning and night. I cant live like this anymore. I know my ex will not come back ever, I have recently accepted that. I know they will contact me out of guilt or whatever at some point and I will be tempted to be very harsh...I really have noone to talk to because even my friends have gotten sick of it. Has anyone been this way for this long?

Link to post
Share on other sites

hey, sorry to hear your going through rough times. Its not easy going through the amount of hurt that comes with a break up and its easy to say "man up and do what you have to do" but saying it and doing it are two different things. I always find it funny on here when people say things like "its been a month and a half of no contact and i feel so much better"......I'm jealous if that is true, because for me in my past i broke up a 4 and a 5 month relationship and it took me at least 4 months to really start making significant progress. Now I am working on getting over an 8 month relationship with a girl who I truly did love and said she loved me back.....its been about 3 months and 2 months NC .....it hurts like hell!! everyday I think about her, I love this girl, we were always making fun plans, plans to travel, and now i its in the past, the ONLY THING i can do is work on myself, I go to the gym everyday, I signed up for classes and I read a lot of inspirational books .......go look up Wayne Dyer and see if that helps at all, I find his ways of thinking and logical viewpoints help me cope and eases the pain. Well I hope this helped and Just try to stay strong.......YOU WILL SEE BETTER DAYS!! have to go through the sh*t times to enjoy the incredible times. keep up the talking and posting though....we're all dealing with heartbreak,the pain a woman can inflict hurts more than anything else in the world. Sometimes you just have to laugh and wonder how things can get so crazy and emotional sometimes.....its amazing! sincerely, your friend.......the shark

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
destroyed4sho

yes, I feel that way as well. I cant get on anti-depressants because of medical reasons. I have been trying to take a natural route but still depressed.

 

Yes, shark, I dont get how people get over it so quick. It must of been not a very deep relationship in the first place.I feel better hearing there are others that are going through the same and Im not the only one. I loved my ex and still do. But even if my ex contacted me again asking for me back, I am not sure I would do it because this has been too painful to do-over again and they have hurt me so much. The only way that I would get back with them would be after some long profusive apology for everything they have ever done to me that hurt me. The trust would take a lot of effort to build back and at this point it may be impossible. After someone breaks up with you, it kinda like a point of no return. Because I see it as inside of them, their love wasn't strong enough and they supposedly loved me with the possibility of breaking up with me. However, for me, I loved them so much that breaking up was not even a possibility! In other words, I had Real Love for them and they didn't. They may have been "in love" with me but it wasn't Real Love. Real Love is what keeps a marriage together for decades, not being "in love".

I guess what hurts most is knowing that I felt Real Love for this person and I thought it was reciprocated. I don't trust myself anymore. Its going to be hard to trust someone when they say they "love you" because you don't know what they mean until the relationship is broken.

I am ashamed of myself and feel down about how this has affected all aspects of my life. I feel like I am worthless in some ways because I let things affect me and go to far.

I just want this to stop. I don't want to think of them anymore. God knows they are not thinking of me, and I'm sure they are hopping around having a good time with others while I am counting my NC days. I know that the answer is to preoccupy myself etc...its hard to do and swallow the pain and pick myself up most days.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My girlfriend broke up with me beginning of November and I'm still in your same boat. I cry everyday and can barely keep up with work, school, etc. I know what you mean about love, because she is already dating some other guy and seems to be having the best time of her life. I've only been NC for about 2 1/2 weeks because we had got 2 dogs together and she has been wanting to see them and take them on walks etc. I know I did some things wrong but I feel like if she had ever really loved me she would have tried to work on things instead of just leaving me, we lived together for two years too. When she dumped me she was like "I've been feeling this way a long time, almost a year" and I'm like who the hell goes a whole year saying nothing. She also blamed the whole thing on me and I took it to heart and have been beating myself up continuously. I really don't know what to do because in my heart I want her back but I know it probably will never happen and even if it did I don't know if I could trust her ever again. Good luck man!

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Yes, shark, I dont get how people get over it so quick. It must of been not a very deep relationship in the first place.

 

I know you are hurting but this is an unfair judgement.

 

Its a combination of different things that help, or not help, you get over someone.

 

3 years ago i was in a bad relationship for four months, he was controlling and ruined my self esteem. He absolutely broke my heart and i felt so low i wanted to die. It took a hell of a long time to build up my self esteem and to this day its something i am still working on. I made him my whole world and when he was gone he left me with nothing else in my life.

 

Two days ago the most wonderful man i think i have ever been in a relationship with finished with me after three months. I was devastated once again, but this time there was absolutley no way i was going to go back to that low place 3 years ago. I respect myself too much for that now. i cared very deeply for him but i didnt make him my whole world this time, so whilst i feel a part of life is empty, not my whole life is. Ive amazed myself how strong ive been.

 

I have been in longer relationships but these were good examples as both were similar length of time and different reactions to BU.

 

Just because i have handled this BU better doesnt mean i cared less for him than the first guy, infact i would say the opposite as this guy has done nothing but treat me with respect and kindness. Its just that i am mentally in a different place right now and have the strength to handle it. I think its also harder to get over someone if trust was broken or you were betrayed. Doesnt mean you cared more deeply about them, it just means it hurts more.

 

It sounds like you are in such a place right now that you are not going to be able to get out of it alone. Not trusting yourself and the negative thinking is a sign of low self esteem and depression so whilst you cant take anti depressants i really think you need to seek professional help in another form.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
destroyed4sho

Yep, I felt a change with my exes personality since a year ago. More distant, less calls, hours before they texted back, not inviting me to hang out often, etc....I thought maybe they just wanted some space, thats all, and I understood because I don't like crowding people. So I let it go at that.

Never, never did I think they wanted to break up and were getting mentally ready to do so. It's not fair because I suffered in this time and they were using this time to prepare themselves for a break up while I was racking my head thinking how can this relationship be fixed. My ex hurt me so bad at this time and treated me horribly, yelled at me for little things, overreacting to everything, and accusing me of things I never did. My ex never told me why they acted like this and whenever I tried to ask, they would refuse to talk about it. She didn't want to talk about it because she didn't want to fix it. And when they don't want to fix it, then they simply don't want the relationship. But I don't get why anyone wouldn't want a relationship with someone that they still claim to love?

 

I believe that when 2 people really love each other they can reconcile and fix anything. Even if I did something wrong, she could of told me about it and I would have corrected the problem, no matter what it was!

 

It was a waste of time and now even after, I am still not over it. I feel very deceived and that is what hurts the most.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Most the time the person ending the relationship has had longer to prepare. Normally when they have got to the point they have made their decision, they see that it is no longer resolvable. You may think it can be resolved and if they had discussed it sooner then maybe it could have been but at the time of BU it is too far gone.

 

I had this exact discussion tonight with the man that finished with me on wednesday. I thought the root cause was resolvable. He didn't. We will never know either way but in his heart he made his decision and doesn't want to try anymore. I cant argue with that and i have to accept it and move on.

 

People are funny creatures. We often cant understand our own emotions and reactions never mind figure out someone elses. Just because a relationship has ended doesn't meant they didn't love you. It doesnt mean they don't love you but its not the right kind of love.

 

All you are doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who deserves your love and can return it back whole heartedly.

 

My mum said tonight, my dad has never made her cry the way i have cried this past few days. They have been married 35 years and for someone to make me cry like this is clearly not the right person for me and i deserve better. I want to meet the man that doesn't make me cry like this. It will take time but if i don't move on then how will it ever happen.

 

Not trying to make this about me, just trying to put a different perspective to you

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
destroyed4sho

I think you are on to something here. But how could they think it was resolvable at one time but then at the time of break up it was no longer resolvable? If they thought it was resolvable before the break up, then why didn't they try to resolve it then?

 

I agree, by the time of the BU, they are not 'in love' with you anymore and they are over you. They may say they still love you, but it is a weak love that they feel for you as a person, not the type of love it once was or the type that you want.

Edited by destroyed4sho
Link to post
Share on other sites

Probably because little things add up, you don't pay attention to it, then it snowballs into something bigger. Keep also in mind that the dating phase is meant to know someone.

 

I too think that if you're that much of a train wreck right now you should seek help. Nothing wrong with that. However don't put your financial situation in jeopardy, it's not going to do any good. It's not going to make your ex fish you up out of a bad situation.

 

I also feel that writing here is a good thing for you, keeping all those feelings inside isn't a good thing. Share them here or in counseling, either way it can only help you get back on your feet.

Link to post
Share on other sites
FailedFirstLove

Yes :( it's so weird how one person cause this much trouble. Argh need uni to start cause I'm just so depressed. I can't even drive properly. Ran a red light today. Can't concentrate. My minds on him all the time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think you are on to something here. But how could they think it was resolvable at one time but then at the time of break up it was no longer resolvable? If they thought it was resolvable before the break up, then why didn't they try to resolve it then?

 

 

maybe because if the issue is making them confused about whether they want to be with you or not, they arent going to mention it until they know for sure? If they mention it before they are ready, then they risk losing you. Selfish, yes but i can understand why.

 

Edit to add: i think they may also want to try and figure it out alone and hope it gets sorted without needing to discuss with OH.

Edited by Amelia81
To add another comment
Link to post
Share on other sites

Its been 8 months and I too struggle every day. Crying twice a day, check. Can't focus for ****, check. Anxiety, Check. Back in theraphy and hoping for drugs this time. Not any way to live. Life is too short.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, you remind me so much of me, I broke up with my boyfriend in early November, I was the one to break up with him, it was hard to do, simply because I still loved him very very much, in fact I was totally in love with him, so much so that I felt like it was him that broke up with me, not going to go into the details of the whys, etc. but up until last week, I was finding it very hard to cope with everything, a friend (the only one who is still bothering to listen to my whinnings) kept pushing me to try meditation, to wind down and stuff, was finding it very hard to switch off my brain, I laughed at the idea at the start and after three or four attempts decided that it wasn't for me, I just couldn't relax, she said to me to try it again and on the fifth attempt I'm hooked, it now totally relax's me, I'm far from over this past relationship but I'm on the first few steps of not having it nagging in my brain ALL THE TIME, try it and see will it work for you, it just might, I hope you find some peace with your situation soon :):)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quest4_TheLost

I completley understand what all of you are going through. The problem is it truly is a vicous cycle. You get up feel like crap do nothing and that makes you feel even more like crap.

 

So lets start with trying to get you feeling better. Vitamin C- releases dopamine into your body. Dopamine is what keeps us feeling happy. Eat fruit and veggies packed with vitamin C. Oranges,Broccoli, Cauliflower, Brussels Sprouts,Kiwi Fruits, Papayas , Strawberries,Red and Green Hot Chili Peppers. These foods have the highest source of vitamin C.

 

 

Also pls get yourself a Vitamin C supplement. Multi vitamins or just the vitamin C itself can help you feeling better. You can also look into natural anti depressants and ask your Dr. if that is somthing you are able to take. Vitamin D- is also somthing that is being proven to help depression and other illnesses The flesh of fatty fish (such as salmon, tuna, and mackerel) and fish liver oils are among the best sources.

 

 

 

Camomile, drink as much camomile as you can stand. I found this especially good because when your this depressed for "me" and a lot of others, your appetite is severly supressed. Camomile will help relax you it helps with stress and anxiety, its also been known to help with upset stomach. STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL AND DRUGS!! It makes you feel better at the time but stops your body from producing the amount of dopamine that you need in the long run.

 

Also CHOCOLATE- my absolute weekness in life. They have found chocolate to be good for your heart, full of antioxidants which helps your bodies ammune system. They also have recognized how ppl eat much more choclate when depressed. I'm sure you have seen it on tv. Chick dumped, goes out and gets a tub of tripple fudge ice cream or the biggest box of chocolate they can find. I am a firm beleiver your body craves what it needs and it has always helped me for a quick fix. I'm not telling you to stuff your face with it, especially if your over weight. For a lot of ppl that don't have much of an appetite and have lost so much weight because of depression, the extra calories won't make much of a diffrence.

 

Now for the physical things. When you get up and force yourself out of bed SHOWER!- no matter how lazy you feel how clean you are!! Feeling fresh is always a mood lifter.

Sunshine- force yourself to get outside, you don't have to go anywhere even 10 mins of sunshine a day can really start to help your depression. It's the best source for vitamin D!! Finally excercise- this one might take a bit to work up too. But if you could just get yourself moving for atleast 30 mins a day walking around the house around the block you will see a major improvement in your mood. Meditation is also a great stress and anxiety reducer!

 

Friends and family are great for support and making you feel better. But I myself have suffered through depression for a long time. The longer your depressed, the more ppl usually drop off and don't even want to be around you. Who wants a emotional negative lump, leeching on them for happiness all the time. You're so depressed anyway, you would rather be alone and most of the time don't even bother trying to catch up with friends and family. The hardest part was for me to realize no one can get me out of the depression but me. So you have to start taking steps for yourself.

 

Don't be afraid to try therapy or counselling. There are many, MANY things you can do for yourself. If you have trouble sleeping, getting up, eating.

I have had it all and tried it all. First thing, is first you need to get serious about wanting to get better. I truly do feel for you, I know this depression is completley disabling. You get to the point somtimes where you don't even care if you wake up tomorrow. This is a very serious illness that a lot of people don't understand. Wether it be somthing you have always suffered from or somthing brought on by a break up or loss in your life. It dosen't make it any easier to go through. If you need someone to talk to I will gladly volunteer. I have skype, messenger and email.

 

Please start taking care of yourself!!

Edited by Quest4_TheLost
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
destroyed4sho

Thanks everyone for the great advice and posts.

I am still at this depression stage and hit a plateau and I keep having meltdowns so often. I am taking vitamins, St. Johns wort and some other natural homeopathic remedies. I have been exercising and I don't know if I can do meditation bc I think if I totally concentrate on my thoughts, my real thoughts, my brain is going to explode. I am scared.

It has been 5 months LC and over a month NC. Does someone know the amount of months where the thoughts start to fade? Is it like 6 months? I still fantasize that she will call me back and apologize and want me back and tell me she made a HUGE mistake. That she takes it all back and will never hurt me again...etc...it is a fantasy but the chances that will happen are close to 0%.

Anyway, when does it start to feel better? One of my friends said having sex with many people and smoking. Neither appeal to me. I can't wait any longer, my work is going downhill, my friends are sick of me and I am sick of me too.

 

I just want her to become that really insignificant silly ex whose name takes time to remember. Help.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quest4_TheLost

There isn't a set time on when thoughts will start to fade. For everyone its diffrent and depends on how long you were with the person, how much time you spent with them, and mostly on you. Its not easy but if you read about meditation its not about thinking its about stopping your brain from thinking. Your suppose to completley clear your mind of everything let it go blank and you focus on one thing. You can listen to your breathing focus on a land scape but the point of this excercise is not to think.

 

You go into a state of mind where your alseep while awake but not in the dreaming stages. This is somthing that is not easy to do and can take a long time to master. You learn how to control your thoughts which is vital for things like depression. Being in a slump all the negative thoughts pouring in just makes everything worse. Once you start learning how to control these thoughts and clear your mind, you can begin learning how to only let the positive ones in and the negative ones will affect you less and less.

 

When I started meditating it took atleast a week, 3 times a day or more of trying before I could finally get my mind and thoughts to shut up. Once I finally got to that point and I could do it longer and longer. Even with 15 mins of silence and focusing just on feeling positive, when coming back from that it was so refreshing. Felt a lot like a vacation from my head. Also once getting to that point of being able to control my thoughts it was so much easier to stop the ones I no longer wanted to pop up. Even though somtimes they still would it was so easy to make them go away with out feeling much emotion to them.

Also once coming back from this, all the stress I was previously feeling was completley gone like it never exsisted. I would do this mostly when I was stressed out or feeling sad. It really does work wonders and is completley worth it.

Edited by Quest4_TheLost
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ive been on my own for 6 weeks now at the end of a 23 year relationship.

At my age of 42 you would of expected to of gone through a few heartbreaks and know how to deal with them, but this is my first. To say i have been shocked by how difficult i hav efound it is an understatement.

I have always been happy with my life and my now ex girlfriend. I loved her for every day of our time together.

Now i am severely depressed, on anti depressants, off sick from work and lost a ton of weight. Im normally fit and active and cycle a lot. Now i wake up agetr a few hours fitful sleep, lie in bed for a few more hours, then manage to somehow get dressed. Then as its winter i feel cold as im run down and ill so i go back to bed and stare at the wall. This is nearly every day. It doesnt get any easier for me. I cannot imagine how i now move on with my life without her.

One of my problems is she wasnt just my lover and partner. She was my best friend and 95% of my social time was spent with her. We chatted every evening and were still very passionate after 23 years together. The hole in my life is massive and i havent got a clue how to fill it. Ive aged 10 years this past 6 weeks and look terrible..i cant look at myself inthe mirror as im shocked at how much its taken out of me. I just hope it gets easier soon

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
destroyed4sho
Ive been on my own for 6 weeks now at the end of a 23 year relationship.

At my age of 42 you would of expected to of gone through a few heartbreaks and know how to deal with them, but this is my first. To say i have been shocked by how difficult i hav efound it is an understatement.

I have always been happy with my life and my now ex girlfriend. I loved her for every day of our time together.

Now i am severely depressed, on anti depressants, off sick from work and lost a ton of weight. Im normally fit and active and cycle a lot. Now i wake up agetr a few hours fitful sleep, lie in bed for a few more hours, then manage to somehow get dressed. Then as its winter i feel cold as im run down and ill so i go back to bed and stare at the wall. This is nearly every day. It doesnt get any easier for me. I cannot imagine how i now move on with my life without her.

One of my problems is she wasnt just my lover and partner. She was my best friend and 95% of my social time was spent with her. We chatted every evening and were still very passionate after 23 years together. The hole in my life is massive and i havent got a clue how to fill it. Ive aged 10 years this past 6 weeks and look terrible..i cant look at myself inthe mirror as im shocked at how much its taken out of me. I just hope it gets easier soon

 

I feel you. I havent improved much yet....its been tough. If you can get on antidepressents maybe that could help. ive been doing the natural route and it does calm my nerves. I heard it takes 3 months of NC to get over someone. Hopefully....

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...