shiningbrighteyess Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Hey everyone, I'm in a very tough situation and I hope I can get some advice. I'm sure a lot of you have had an "almost lover" at some point - that's what I'm dealing with now. Someone you loved, but never officially had. I met this guy last year, our freshman year of college. We lived on the same hall in our dorm and that's how we met. A week after meeting each other and hanging out a bit, we danced together at a club when our whole dorm went out for a night. He started kissing me while dancing. After that night, neither of us said anything about the kiss. But as the weeks went on, we became closer and closer. We started hanging out almost all the time with two other friends, as a group. We'd all hang out well into the night, and usually, him and I would stay up past everyone else and talk even until the early morning. We'd literally have all nighters almost all the time, just staying up and talking. Eventually we started cuddling a bit too when we'd stay up with each other. He would sometimes say things to me such as "I want you to be mine" etc and then when I'd look confused he'd go "Just kidding". I had heard him say to another friend that he didn't want a girlfriend, and I had also heard him say to someone else that we were just friends. So I didn't know what on earth to think, but I knew I liked him. One thing that I didn't like is that he would pick on me VERY often while hanging out - like calling me names, telling me to shut up, trying to order me around, etc and then if I got upset he'd say he was just kidding. A few months later we kissed again, this time with more making out and touching etc. We still hung out frequently with our friends group, and would then stay up talking, and then end up making out until 6 or 7 am. This continued on for several months. Finally I told him I had strong feelings for him one night and he said he basically felt the same way but didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship right now. The worst thing about him is how emotionally closed off he is; I believe he has a personality disorder (possibly narcissistic?) and it literally TERRIFIES him to open up to others emotionally. He also had a bad experience with his last serious relationship (she cheated, she lied, something like that) which has made him wary about relationships and girls in general. More months pass. We tried to stop hooking up but it just continued. Eventually we had sex; it was my first time. The next time we had a conversation about our feelings, I brought it up, and he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. He said he didn't want to emotionally open up to someone and be committed. We still continued to hook up. Keep in mind, we'd usually be hanging out and talking for hours before we hooked up; our time together wasn't strictly hooking up. Fast forward, he told me he did really care for me (even told me he loved me) but he couldn't be in a relationship with anybody because of his emotional/commitment issues. We spent the summer apart, and when we came back, he texted me wondering why I hadn't contacted him yet. We hung out and ended up having sex. This year we've had sex a LOT. I thought it might bring us closer or something since we'd usually talk before and after sex, cuddle, sometimes he'd stay the night. And he'd tell me how pretty he thought I was, how he cared for me etc. I confessed my feelings to him, again, last week, telling him I was still in love with him. He basically told me he thought of me as a 'good friend' who he really cared for. And he told me he couldn't be in a relationship. I'm just having so much trouble getting over this. One of the things that bothers me the most is his ex. Their relationship ended 3 years ago, they dated for 2. I keep thinking, why did she get him and I didn't? What was so special about her that made him commit to her? Why wasn't I good enough? It's gotten so bad that I've stalked her Facebook often, trying to figure out what's better about her. Even though they've been broken up for years, I know they're still friends and they talk on the occasion. She even has a boyfriend now but I still feel insanely jealous of her. My friends think he really did and does care for me, but he has so many emotional issues that he can't commit to anyone. He's very wishy washy with his feelings and constantly changes his mind. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am in love with him, surely, but I need to get over him. Thinking about him and our past this much is unhealthy for me. I keep trying to figure out where it went wrong and why we never dated. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 You never dated because you had no boundaries. You been gave him sex outside of an established relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
fungusamungus Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) The ambiguous college hook up. We've all been there. My first bit of advice is to not pick apart why he committed to his ex and will not commit to you. Relationships change people. The person he was when he first started dating his ex is different than the person he is now. I don't think that he is being dishonest, or trying to play you or anything and I don't mean for this to sound harsh... but he may just not like you enough for it to get past the baggage that he has clearly carried over from his last relationship (which is not a slight, that is a lot of baggage to put up with). Obviously he likes you and cares about you, but he needs to sort out those commitment issues before he can be with anyone. What you guys are currently doing is not doing anyone any favors. You are not getting what you want out of the relationship, and he isn't really trying to resolve his issues. You guys want different things, there's nothing wrong with that. But don't wait around for him to be ready to commit. That's something that only he can change, not you. It happens to all of us when we're young and don't know what we want. Edited January 24, 2013 by fungusamungus 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 "i don't want to be in a relationship with anyone" = i don't want to be in a relationship with you. saying he doesn't want to date you doesn't make him narcissistic. Link to post Share on other sites
CptSaveAho Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 i dont want a relationship with anyone can mean i dont want a relationship with anyone.... its college Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 i dont want a relationship with anyone can mean i dont want a relationship with anyone.... its college Agreed, but the "you" is inherent in "anyone" IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daydreams Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 He told you from the beginning; you didn't believe him. Unfortunately, when it comes to "getting over" folks, it's all about time. During that time, take time to learn a little more about yourself so you'll be ready and can "hear" what the next person may have to say. We, especially women, tend to "hear" what we want to hear, even if it's being broadcast from the hills and then we make up the excuses, for the way he reacts, that makes US feel better with the outcome. The next time a guy tells you he's not interested in a relationship, please believe that and act accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shiningbrighteyess Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 You never dated because you had no boundaries. You been gave him sex outside of an established relationship. I didn't have sex with him until 6 months after getting to know him + becoming really close to him + caring about each other etc. I really don't think it's a case of "you slept with him too fast". "i don't want to be in a relationship with anyone" = i don't want to be in a relationship with you. saying he doesn't want to date you doesn't make him narcissistic. I don't believe he's a narcissistic because he didn't want to date me. If you want me to go into details... He would often tell me how he loved himself, how he loved the way he looked, how he could get pretty much anything he wanted with his looks, and would full on TELL me he had narcissistic qualities. He would also often ask me for my opinion on things regarding his looks or personality; like he was seeking confirmation from me that he was, in fact, great. During sex he told me he cares more about the fact that it's him pleasuring the girl than the girl actually being pleasured - he wants to be a sex god, and he's called himself one before. If I ever called him out on anything, criticized him, etc, he would get very defensive. Sometimes criticizing the simplest thing would set him off and he'd be really angry with me. He also refused to tell me some of his deepest insecurities because opening up terrifies him. Narcissistic people are often the most insecure people - they use false confidence to cover up their insecurities. He's very impulsive, doing things based on how he feels that day rather than logic. He's very pleasure seeking for himself. He has also openly told me he manipulates people to get what he wants, he lies, he can persuade people to do anything, etc. Another narcissistic trait. Finally, he drinks a lot and smokes pot a lot. Narcissistic people usually have addictive personalities when it comes to drugs. Sorry, but it ticks me off a little bit that you think I'm claiming he's narcissistic just because we didn't date---no, it's because he has shown a LOT of evidence that he is one, or that he has another personality disorder (he's also told me he thinks he may be bipolar). Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 I didn't have sex with him until 6 months after getting to know him + becoming really close to him + caring about each other etc. I really don't think it's a case of "you slept with him too fast". I don't believe he's a narcissistic because he didn't want to date me. If you want me to go into details... He would often tell me how he loved himself, how he loved the way he looked, how he could get pretty much anything he wanted with his looks, and would full on TELL me he had narcissistic qualities. He would also often ask me for my opinion on things regarding his looks or personality; like he was seeking confirmation from me that he was, in fact, great. During sex he told me he cares more about the fact that it's him pleasuring the girl than the girl actually being pleasured - he wants to be a sex god, and he's called himself one before. If I ever called him out on anything, criticized him, etc, he would get very defensive. Sometimes criticizing the simplest thing would set him off and he'd be really angry with me. He also refused to tell me some of his deepest insecurities because opening up terrifies him. Narcissistic people are often the most insecure people - they use false confidence to cover up their insecurities. He's very impulsive, doing things based on how he feels that day rather than logic. He's very pleasure seeking for himself. He has also openly told me he manipulates people to get what he wants, he lies, he can persuade people to do anything, etc. Another narcissistic trait. Finally, he drinks a lot and smokes pot a lot. Narcissistic people usually have addictive personalities when it comes to drugs. Sorry, but it ticks me off a little bit that you think I'm claiming he's narcissistic just because we didn't date---no, it's because he has shown a LOT of evidence that he is one, or that he has another personality disorder (he's also told me he thinks he may be bipolar). and if he is narcissistic, what does that change with what happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Samilia Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 IMO you were friends then became Friends with benefits. He might have felt something at some point but it went away just as fast as it came over him. I do agree that by putting out without a real commitment you sent the wrong message. Now that he got the milk without buying the cow you bet he probably won't change his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
morichu Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 I didn't have sex with him until 6 months after getting to know him + becoming really close to him + caring about each other etc. I really don't think it's a case of "you slept with him too fast". "Girls fake orgasms for relationships, guys fake relationships for orgasms" Ok, not all the time, but you get the idea. First off, I'm a guy, a little bit older than you, but I've been a college freshman and I know how we like to think. In early college years, a lot of us just want sex without the commitment while girls are always focused on being in a relationship. The problem is that you strung him along and kept giving him what he wanted without him giving you what you want (a relationship). When a guy simply won't commit, it's time to either see other people or make him think you're seeing other people. Make up a story like "I was walking to the rec earlier and all these guys were staring at me!" or "There's this guy in the study lounge area who never will leave me alone. What do I do?" Plant the seed in his head that you're desired by other people. Then he will be forced to make a move if he wants to keep you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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