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The Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED


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winstonsdreams

perfect nice work Tara. i cannot recommend this enough! it gets easier each time, i have gone NC many times and i know now it's the only true way to heal, with time of course. i like the amendments, Tara you are wise!

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But as a whole, the thing absolutely, definitely works, but only if people absolutely definitely implement it.

 

For any heartbroken, recently-dumped new member:

Copy and paste the above, into a word.doc.

 

Then, print off as many copies as you need, to completely cover every available bit of wall-space you have.

 

Hang a copy in the bathroom - always worth having a good read while you 'sit and think'.

 

Make sure you have a copy in your pocket, bag or wallet, at all times.

 

Put one in your desk drawer, at work.

 

Remember: Caliguy - the original work's author - actually worked in the same building, under the same roof, for the same company, as the woman who dumped him. Contact was unavoidable - but by implementing the main rules, he controlled the situation to his complete advantage, and healed far more quickly than he ever thought possible.

 

It can be done.

it has been done.

And you too - can do it.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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perfect nice work Tara. i cannot recommend this enough! it gets easier each time, i have gone NC many times and i know now it's the only true way to heal, with time of course. i like the amendments, Tara you are wise!

 

The credit goes to CaliGuy btw!

But indeed he is very wise!

 

I still read the topic everyday to not forget why I'm trying NC! I never did NC before but I will recommended to everyone and hope that I don't have to go true a lot of break-ups

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I was considering requesting this thread be pinned, but frankly, because it undergoes changes, and so many people have it in their signature, I think it gets around better this way.....

 

Edit Note:

I've just noticed a Moderator fixed my typo.

Thank you so much, I am very grateful. :)

Edited by TaraMaiden
Thanks, Moderator!
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sad part is he (caliguy) chased his ex for 6+ years

 

he didnt follow his own advice... his last post on this forum was him looking at her fb account... YEARS later... yawn!

Edited by CptSaveAho
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From tough experience I fully agree with NC especially the first 3 months. However, after I have had time to evaluate the breakup and the relationship as a whole, I would break NC (probably with a letter). Maybe its selfish, but for me it would be about achieving my own personal closure and obtaining inner peace. As long as you are being honest with yourself and what your motives truly are, then I feel its ok to break NC for the reasons I mentioned above..

 

Also TM life is not always black and white. While I fully agree with the guide from a logical perspective, I can guarantee you that there have been various scenarios where NC was broke and couples have gotten back together. Could be a relationship mis-communication whatever, but it has happened.

 

While NC is the logical right thing to do (no doubt about that) while the dust settles from a Relationship fallout, it still doesn't take away from what the heart wants and craves. You can print as many NC guides as you want, the vast majority of people will still break NC. I am pretty sure you know the reason why. Hope......

 

Sure the vast majority of times its it vain and it sets us back but for those small few they clung onto hope, sometimes miracles do happen and thats what makes life so great. If we all did what we are supposed to do it would be a boring world..

Edited by Mack05
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sad part is he (caliguy) chased his ex for 6+ years

 

he didnt follow his own advice... his last post on this forum was him looking at her fb account... YEARS later... yawn!

 

Er... no - his last post on this forum was about having sold his truck...

 

Are we talking about the same man? :confused:

Could you give reference?

 

Thanks..........

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It says to ignore anything but the "I WANT YOU BACK" from the ex. What i struggle with is the notion that someone would just come flat out and say this. Like this rule applies to all situations? It cant. There are too many variables. IF you wanted someone back and you left them and had been NC for awhile wouldnt you test the waters a bit first...?

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They do, and they have.

The thing is, if an ex wants you back in their lives, romantically, because they made a mistake, they will say so.

 

They will find a way of - in one way or another - sending you a clear message that they 'made a mistake'.

 

Until you get that message - clear as a foghorn - everything else is just breadcrumbs.

 

Some exes will even selfishly 'test the waters' to see how far over them you are, by sending vague hints, or dangling carrots.... this gets your hopes up and makes you feel there might be another chance - then, they go silent again, or say they're confused, don't know what they want, but don't want to hurt you....

 

Again.

 

Believe me - one look at the 'second Chances' forum will tell you how rare they are....

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A Word to the wise: ABRIDGED Post from This Thread:

 

gotta vent...

 

I pretty much ripped out all the stitches on my wound and now feels like I have to start all over again.

3 months ago was my break up. I went NC as soon as I came across this forum, devastated, heart broken, depressed as **** and lowest I've ever been in life.

 

...........I started my path to recovery.

 

Dated 3 girls in the last 3 months and also got physical with 2.

 

....I started feeling guilty because I knew I was using these girls as rebounds and I dont consider myself to be that kind of person so I broke it off.

 

Ex texted me 2 days before christmas telling me that she is in a relationship and even though I was furious, I kept my calm and told her I am happy for her.

 

The next day she is texting me non stop, crying, and begging and saying things like she misses me and she messed up on every decision blah blah blah...

 

Me being the nice guy asked to meet up with her. .. She tells me that she felt lonely so that is the only reason she is in a relationship with this new guy. She said she does not see a future with him and its just a fling.

 

We made plans to go to dinner....she then breaks down and tells me that she wants me back, she is not happy at all and going insane. I entertained the idea and told her that I have to think about this because I practically removed every hope of us being together.

 

....

..We met up 2 days ago for lunch and my heart was beating so hard that it was hard to converse. Later that day she tells me "I love you" and I said the same thing back to her. Feeling more remorse and ****ty.

 

My stupid ass got on her facebook on a friends account and just cried all night last night. She is playing me and also her new "BF".

 

Now I am going back to NC with her. I am not going to be a #2 option. Ready to become an ******* again and protect myself.

 

My reply:

 

......So even if they do come back with the "I'm sorry, I made a bad mistake, I love you, I want you back and will do anything to prove it to you!" - they might be yanking your chain.....?

 

I guess this goes to show that even if this DOES happen, you should take it with a pinch of salt, proceed very cautiously - and let the Actions speak Louder than the Words!

 

She might have SAID all of that - but her Actions revealed her to be a liar!

 

I've been accused of being harsh, bitter and negative.

That I have no empathy and that I'm pessimistic....

 

But sadly, time and time again, the poor dumped person finds out the hard way that there can be NO going back.

Never go back.

 

 

If you try on a pair of shoes, and although they look and feel great at first, but after a while, they pinch your toes, make the balls of your feet ache, give you heel blisters and just don't fit - would you in all honesty, keep wearing them - ?!

 

No! You wouldn't deliberately cripple yourself in the hope that after a while this would all go away - would you - !?

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The credit goes to CaliGuy btw!

But indeed he is very wise!

 

I still read the topic everyday to not forget why I'm trying NC! I never did NC before but I will recommended to everyone and hope that I don't have to go true a lot of break-ups

 

Glad you are and thank you.

 

sad part is he (caliguy) chased his ex for 6+ years

 

he didnt follow his own advice... his last post on this forum was him looking at her fb account... YEARS later... yawn!

 

You have no idea what you're talking about.

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Remember: Caliguy - the original work's author - actually worked in the same building, under the same roof, for the same company, as the woman who dumped him. Contact was unavoidable - but by implementing the main rules, he controlled the situation to his complete advantage, and healed far more quickly than he ever thought possible.

 

Yes and that was not the same ex "Cap" is referring to. He apparently can't keep my posts straight ;)

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Wow. Never thought id see a post form CaliGuy here on the BU forum. Your guide was a life saver. I didn't know what NC was and paid the price. Now I'm 3 plus months NC and holding strong. Thanks!

 

PS Yeah I agree VA (Leesburg) is boring. I'm here in Fairfax and it is just as cookie cutter if not more so.

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Wow. Never thought id see a post form CaliGuy here on the BU forum. Your guide was a life saver. I didn't know what NC was and paid the price. Now I'm 3 plus months NC and holding strong. Thanks!

 

Yeah, I love it when Caliguy pops in... feel it's all worthwhile....:cool:

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Ok consider this scenario: what happens if you've been hurt so much, and have accepted you're never going to see your ex again. But want to send them a devastating message about how much you've been hurt, so that it hurts them? I mean a proper burning-bridges, f-you message, to hurt them like they've hurt you?

 

I'm considering breaking NC to do this, as I know my ex is sensitive to such issues and it will really hit home what a bitch she's been.

 

Talk me out of it, but I can only see it being good as I am dying inside because of her. I want her to feel some hurt too.

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Mind if I help you with that?

 

Want to really burn the bridge? Want to really stick it to them? Want to SHOW them instead of telling them that you don't want to put up with the way that they treated you? Don't say anything! Leave them the f*ck alone. We are all little kids at heart and want to get the last word. Well... they had the last laugh in all of this. Here we are. Heart broken. and what are they doing? are they pining over us to call? Are they hoping that we are okay? NOPE! They're doing them. They're living their life. They're meeting new people that they like better than us because God knows how great they are! right?

 

No. not right. Screw them. A message from you saying that will do what to her? Do you really think it will "hurt" her? She'll read it, have a nice laugh at it with her girlfriends and delete it. Sure maybe she'll respond and say how "sorry she is that you're hurt" Your ex will take it as more of an insult that you show her you don't need the "all amazing, super nice, super great" her in your life. It will be more of an insult if you improve yourself without her and enjoy life without her than if you try to stick around and say "wahh wahh you hurt me you bitch! wahh wahh i'm miserable, i want you to be miserable! i'm really desperate for attention! please take me back!"

 

Don't do it dude. It does nothing for you.

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Ok consider this scenario: what happens if you've been hurt so much, and have accepted you're never going to see your ex again. But want to send them a devastating message about how much you've been hurt, so that it hurts them? I mean a proper burning-bridges, f-you message, to hurt them like they've hurt you?

 

I'm considering breaking NC to do this, as I know my ex is sensitive to such issues and it will really hit home what a bitch she's been.

 

Talk me out of it, but I can only see it being good as I am dying inside because of her. I want her to feel some hurt too.

The really sad - almost inhuman - thing about this, is that it will have one of two effects on her:

She will either look down on you in scorn and superiority, for basically being "Ugh, what an idiot! He sounds soooo..... childish!" - or she will pity you and think you've lost the spine she once credited you with having, and will think you're just pathetic and sad.

 

That's the tragedy; whatever our intention, they never quite hit the mark - and indeed, may even serve to do precisely the opposite of what we intend.

 

I thank na49 for posting his response.

He went through his own hellish torment to get to where he is today.

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You make a valid point but why should we disappear nice quietly to give them an easier life? I can't see it. I've been hurt so badly now, dropped coldly and want her to feel some of it to.

 

I know vengeance is a terrible thing but what is the best way to get one over them? Showing you don't give a f?

 

I'd like to think what goes around comes around but I'm in a massively bad place compared to her, and she has so much help and support, good life etc to help her get through like its a piece of piss. It makes my blood

Boil, it's pathetic I know. About the only thing she is intimidated by is beautiful women, but she's never gonna be around to see it if I am lucky enough to land another gf.

 

There are circumstances which mean I'm not going to meet anyone for a while due to my antisocial working hours, living alone, being in and out of hospital etc She's out sh*gging already due to being massively popular, at university and having a great social life and group of friends. I ruminate too much and think about her life as its so much better at the moment.

 

Sorry for the rant going through an absolutely terrible day today, it's not getting any easier, my anxiety and depression is difficult at moment.

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You make a valid point but why should we disappear nice quietly to give them an easier life? I can't see it. I've been hurt so badly now, dropped coldly and want her to feel some of it to.

 

I know vengeance is a terrible thing but what is the best way to get one over them? Showing you don't give a f?

 

I don't understand how sending her an email shows her you don't give an f about her... It shows that you aren't over her and need to get the last word like a child.

 

I'd like to think what goes around comes around but I'm in a massively bad place compared to her, and she has so much help and support, good life etc to help her get through like its a piece of piss. It makes my blood

Boil, it's pathetic I know. About the only thing she is intimidated by is beautiful women, but she's never gonna be around to see it if I am lucky enough to land another gf.

 

There are circumstances which mean I'm not going to meet anyone for a while due to my antisocial working hours, living alone, being in and out of hospital etc She's out sh*gging already due to being massively popular, at university and having a great social life and group of friends. I ruminate too much and think about her life as its so much better at the moment.

 

What goes around does come around. You'll never know it though. I know how you feel. My ex knows the entire freaking campus already and we just started going there last semester. Meanwhile, I'm your typical shy, antisocial kid who lacks the confidence to go up to someone I don't know and introduce myself. So I have maybe one real friend and I've been going to school there for a semester. I relied completely on her. Having her was good enough for me. Now I don't have her... F*ck

 

I also ruminate (what does that mean?) too much and think of her life because it is probably better than mine right now and she probably is happier now than she was when she was with me. It sucks. It's not fair. but there's nothing we can do about it.

 

Sorry for the rant going through an absolutely terrible day today, it's not getting any easier, my anxiety and depression is difficult at moment.

 

I've been going through an absolutely terrible month, so don't worry about it. :laugh:

 

but seriously. don't send her anything.

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You make a valid point but why should we disappear nice quietly to give them an easier life? I can't see it. I've been hurt so badly now, dropped coldly and want her to feel some of it to.

You don't get it.

you don't disappear for them. You disappear for you.

Time, and time, and time and time again, the dumper contacts the dumpee to throw them breadcrumbs and yank their chain - and all it does is merely trumpet "Notice me! I dumped you, but I'm damned if I'm going to go quietly or let you forget me!"

The whole nub of the NC guide turns on these points: The dumper's insistence on still being in your life for as long as possible, in order to make themselves feel good about things.

 

The best way to deny them the spotlight is to close it down and refuse to throw that switch.

There's only one thing a dumper hates more, than being pestered.

And that's not being noticed.

 

I know vengeance is a terrible thing but what is the best way to get one over them? Showing you don't give a f?

To live life well, as if there's nothing you give a damn schytt about.

"You dumped me? Hah!! Your loss! I am so much better without you! Look at me, I'm still laughing - you tried to knock me for six, but dammit, Not out, not by a long shot! Suck it up and weep - I'm a happy gal/guy - and you've lost me for good!" Tchah-tchah!

 

I'd like to think what goes around comes around but I'm in a massively bad place compared to her, and she has so much help and support, good life etc to help her get through like its a piece of piss.

 

Now this is classic self-defeating and self-sabotaging talk.

There are remedies to this - you just have to put your 'phukkit' positive hat-attitude on, and go get it.

It's all very well wallowing for a while - hell, even I've done it - but at some point, you have to say to yourself, "Bugger this for a game of soldiers - I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired - and it's ME doing it to ME!! I gotta quit this crap and man up!"

 

It makes my blood Boil, it's pathetic I know. About the only thing she is intimidated by is beautiful women, but she's never gonna be around to see it if I am lucky enough to land another gf.

 

There are circumstances which mean I'm not going to meet anyone for a while due to my antisocial working hours, living alone, being in and out of hospital etc She's out sh*gging already due to being massively popular, at university and having a great social life and group of friends. I ruminate too much and think about her life as its so much better at the moment.

 

Sorry for the rant going through an absolutely terrible day today, it's not getting any easier, my anxiety and depression is difficult at moment.

 

Do whatever you need to do, do whatever it takes to help yourself out of this.

The superhuman effort, sadly, has to be generated and propelled by you.

Life is a choice.

There is always a choice.

Weigh in your heart the bitter feelings of anger, resentment and hatred, against the nourishing feelings of peace, empathy and love.

 

Now?

 

Choose.

 

Which would you rather fill your life with?

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portableversion
You don't get it.

 

There's only one thing a dumper hates more, than being pestered.

And that's not being noticed.

 

 

Which would you rather fill your life with?

 

 

Geez this is so bizarre, its just gonna be like church just dont understand but forget it go thru the steps and somehow it all works out.

 

YThis does sound like my ex to the T but dang we were together for 17 yrs, ill go no contact and she gets pushy, i sent her a letter telling her she cant be coming over here unannounced and we ended up being onthe phone for 4 hrs she was crying, telling me she misses me and the new guy just really isnt doing ti for her. So insane, .....killing me softly with her words.

 

i can tell she dont like it when i avoid her or dont make eye contact when i pick up the kids, ive done a lot of the nc stuff, and shes putting up stiff resistance for sure, this stinks i never wanted the divorce and i believe it to be a moral crime, we made a vow in church theres gotta be some serious consequences to this, crap i still love her, and my boys want me back in the house, its just so wrong so wrong. But i can agree each day that goes by seems to help where i didnt see her or talk to her.

 

i told her the other day i was ignoring her calls and she looked like she was about to cry over it. it really shook me to my foundation. i told her dont worry about me focus on ur boyfriend in from the army, she got so aggressive to give me a hug, i ended up barricading myself in my bathroom and we played tug of war with the door.

 

it hurt alot i love her so much, we made a vow until death do us part and she broke the law to get it done super fast.

one time i told her i was no longer going to reach out to her since she was going to alaska to shag this guy, she got furious and told me repeated to f off and hung up on me

 

i just dont get it all, its beyond me.....oh well more therapy, more church, more aa, more time, more prayers........man this stuff hurts so bad, its unreal how bad it hurts, the pain is surreal

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