throwing in the towel

[ana0pera]

i just broke up with my bf.

we've been in an LDR for two years and everything has been great until recently. It's a complicated long story that I can go into more if need be, but basically I started to question his fidelity, he assured me he was committed to me, and I promised to give him a second chance. But ever since we "kissed and made up," so to speak (about a month ago) he has been completely unresponsive. I wanted to have a serious talk about us and he has been putting it off, either not answering my emails and texts or saying that we'll talk about it tomorrow. But then tomorrow comes and he is nowhere to be found. I got frustrated when this happened again yesterday and he told me he'd be available today. Well he wasn't. He hasn't answered any of my messages (which I know he saw) so I sent a last message saying I wish he could give me closure but I guess I am not getting any, so goodbye.

 

I am devastated and fuming. I can't cry because I am so angry and stressed about the situation but I know the tears will come. This is just so weird and I can't understand why he would do this to me. Why he can't talk to me. Why he can't just say that he doesn't want to be with me (or that he does want to be with me). I hate having so many questions in my head keeping me up all night and not having answers. I hate the thought that I'll never have answers, only speculations. But I really can't speculate because so much doesn't add up.

 

I told myself to give up but part of me wants to hold on just in case I get an answer. Not because I want to get back together with him, I don't think that I can handle that, but I want to know why he doesn't have a backbone to give me an answer one way or the other; why he never does anything manipulative when we are together but then makes me wait like this for hours or days on end when we're apart.

 

I know I need to go no contact, block his emails and phone number, but it is so hard to do that, knowing that once I delete him out of my life, I will never get closure

[Samilia]

i just broke up with my bf.

we've been in an LDR for two years and everything has been great until recently. It's a complicated long story that I can go into more if need be, but basically I started to question his fidelity, he assured me he was committed to me, and I promised to give him a second chance. But ever since we "kissed and made up," so to speak (about a month ago) he has been completely unresponsive. I wanted to have a serious talk about us and he has been putting it off, either not answering my emails and texts or saying that we'll talk about it tomorrow. But then tomorrow comes and he is nowhere to be found. I got frustrated when this happened again yesterday and he told me he'd be available today. Well he wasn't. He hasn't answered any of my messages (which I know he saw) so I sent a last message saying I wish he could give me closure but I guess I am not getting any, so goodbye.

 

I am devastated and fuming. I can't cry because I am so angry and stressed about the situation but I know the tears will come. This is just so weird and I can't understand why he would do this to me. Why he can't talk to me. Why he can't just say that he doesn't want to be with me (or that he does want to be with me). I hate having so many questions in my head keeping me up all night and not having answers. I hate the thought that I'll never have answers, only speculations. But I really can't speculate because so much doesn't add up.

 

I told myself to give up but part of me wants to hold on just in case I get an answer. Not because I want to get back together with him, I don't think that I can handle that, but I want to know why he doesn't have a backbone to give me an answer one way or the other; why he never does anything manipulative when we are together but then makes me wait like this for hours or days on end when we're apart.

 

I know I need to go no contact, block his emails and phone number, but it is so hard to do that, knowing that once I delete him out of my life, I will never get closure

 

He's a coward, here is your answer. He chose to have his silence do the job.

[NoMoreJerks]

Maybe he's upset about what you accused him of .

 

But my suspicion is that your instincts were right the first time around..

[ana0pera]

so we did have a long talk about the infidelity, i found evidence that he had been flirting with other girls and confronted him about it. he didn't deny anything, said he had never done anything with them (and i believe him on that part), and that he would stop since it made me uncomfortable. there was a minor snafu that i posted about in another thread and that seemed to be resolved as well, but he has yet to follow through with deleting his online dating profile or talking to me about us in more depth. he said a lot is on his mind and maybe that's true but i have a hard time trusting him... he is not talking to me after all so i don't know if it's a lie or what. he reads my messages and doesn't respond, until i send another message calling him out for not responding. then today he just completely shut down. Perhaps he is being a coward but I can't help to feel bad about it that it's my fault. And maybe it is, I don't know what to think anymore.

Edited January 8, 2013 by ana0pera
added link to older thread

[cerridwen]

Oh, ana.

I'm sorry this happened.

I've followed you a bit in the LDR forum so your situation isn't unfamiliar to me.

 

I encourage you to let the dust settle, stop contacting him, and try your best to busy yourself with other parts of your life.

Don't close down all avenues of communication yet since it will likely keep you from moving on and may lead to you reopening them any way.

It's completely understandable that you want closure.

If you allow things to cool down a bit, he may pop his head up with an explanation.

 

I don't see where it could be your fault.

Distrust is a killer and the onus is on him to make amends, or at the very least, return your messages.

His online dating profile is still up?

He's flirting with other women?

I think you've been beyond patient.

[crashvector]

the odds of ANY relationship are 50/50 at best. Hell, even 53% of marriages end in divorce.

 

the likelihood of of a LDR working are FAR FAR worse. That's why I wouldnt even bother...but that's just me.

[MyAngel]

Ugh, he still had an online dating profile? What a knob.

 

I'm sorry he has treated you so badly. You are doing the right thing Ana.

[ana0pera]

Thanks for all of the support everyone.

 

Because the last few days have been tense, I have a feeling he actually blocked me before I sent the last message where I tell him it's over, so I don't know if he even got it... but I have more important things I should be doing than speculate.

 

Fortunately, I have a number of other distractions right now, so I think I can keep strong/busy with the no contact and not blocking him from every line of communication. It'll hurt either way, whether he says something back or not.

 

I've never had a break-up before, this was my first relationship, don't really know how to move on because I've never had to do it.

 

In hindsight, I don't know if I'd do an LDR again, unless it was with someone I'd been with for a few years before it became long distance, and there was an end in sight. Those are the only ones I've seen with a relatively high success rate. I hadn't meant to get into one in the first place, we just "clicked" so to speak.

[ana0pera]

I am really really bad at NC, but I think I am ready.

I am traveling right now and I just got to a place where I know he wants to visit in the future, so I decided to send him a picture and commented that it was nicer than I imagined. He responded that it looked beautiful and he was glad that I like it, and that when I get home we need to exchange photos from our last trip.

 

I told him that we should, and I left it at that.

 

So it looks like he didn't block me (or at least doesn't have me blocked anymore), but he's skirting around the issue I brought up still. Unless he texted me when I momentarily blocked him, which is possible.

 

Regardless, I am starting to feel better. Trying not to get false hopes that he will change. Hoping that by me being so busy this week I wont even get the chance to think about him. And when I get home, I am not going to contact him. I am promising myself that I am done, that I will not seek him out anymore. The ball is in his court, I am done waiting and begging and hoping.

 

Is it wrong for me to still want to be friends, at least? Part of me would still go back to him and give him another chance if he just did what I asked him to do to prove his commitment. Is that self-destructive?