4 years.. ups and leaves. Will she come back?

[makeitright]

5 weeks ago I let my gf of 4 years go out with an ex from highschool to reconnect. He is a guy friend who I thought was married. Apparently his wife has left him but is still married. And he they have a child together.

 

2 weeks ago my gf told me she was unhappy and that she didn't feel that her heart was in it anymore. This killed me as I never saw unhappiness in her until then.

 

1 week ago she left me.

 

I blame myself for pushing her away. I was in a depression for the last year and a half and I treated her how I felt.. Like ****. I see that now there's nothing I can do but change. The breakup kicked the depression right out of me and now. We talked briefly the other day and i said my piece.. showed her the changes have already begun in my life to improve myself and become a better partner.. But she continues to say that she no longer feels like her heart is in it to work it out. I had blinders on the entire time I never realized what I was doing. I apologized for what I did.. and I promised better.

 

Her new friends at work and this old ex have been advising her if she's unhappy then to leave. Now she tells me that she's going to go on a date with her ex who's still technically married.

 

I only see that situation ending poorly as she's not ready for a child. He's rebounding off of her as they haven't seen each other in over 10-12 years.

 

She's turning 30 this week and I feel like she's making very poor and rash decisions. She's not thinking it through and she's giving up 4 years of our lives to try something new with this guy.. she claims she wants to be independent and get a place of her own. We live together in a house i purchased.

 

If I ignore her.. If i don't text or call.. Do you think she will come back to me? She is truly the love of my life.. my wife.. my soul mate. I don't know whats going on.. I don't know why she never told me she was unhappy. She says i should have seen it but i didn't and she never said.

[OJ loved Nicole]

She might but you have NO control over it. She sounds like she's made up her mind, although it might seem sudden, she's been considering this for a looooong time. People don't just wake up one day and muster the courage to utter the words "it's over" (that takes a lot, and they are 100% sure when they say it).

 

The issue isn't "she's trying something new with this guy", the real reason is: she's thought long and hard, she's made up her mind, and "she knows exactly what she's giving up in you to pursue this new guy".

 

Read my thread Getting Your Ex Back

[makeitright]

It's been hard for me to give her .. her space. But I'm going to start now. I spoke with her one the phone one last time and said my final peace.

 

 

I said starting now I’m going to give you all the space you want. I just want to say one last thing.

I understand your ex wasn’t the problem. Your decision has been coming for a while, he was just an inspiration to you as he got out of a long hurtful relationship and he’s better now that he’s single. But also find inspiration in the fact that he tried to save his marriage while he still loved her. All I ask is that you consider that while you have some love in your heart for me you give me the opportunity to change. Every relationship has periods of unhappiness, if your partner is willing to change for you and does then that relationship grows stronger. Look at our photos from the beginning when I was not depressed how happy we were. We didn’t fight, we spent every living second together, we were happy. That’s the type of change I want to give you in this time of unhappiness. All I ask is that you talk with your friends and family and take that into consideration. I’ll give you all the space you want now.

[Chi townD]

 

I said starting now I’m going to give you all the space you want. I just want to say one last thing.

I understand your ex wasn’t the problem. Your decision has been coming for a while, he was just an inspiration to you as he got out of a long hurtful relationship and he’s better now that he’s single. But also find inspiration in the fact that he tried to save his marriage while he still loved her. All I ask is that you consider that while you have some love in your heart for me you give me the opportunity to change. Every relationship has periods of unhappiness, if your partner is willing to change for you and does then that relationship grows stronger. Look at our photos from the beginning when I was not depressed how happy we were. We didn’t fight, we spent every living second together, we were happy. That’s the type of change I want to give you in this time of unhappiness. All I ask is that you talk with your friends and family and take that into consideration. I’ll give you all the space you want now.

 

 

Dude really? What with all this "follow your heart" crap? She did you WRONG! She met up with another guy and you KNEW about it! That's frickin LOW. And as soon as she got back, you're yesterdays news.

 

Okay, you weren't the boyfriend of the year. SO WHAT! None of us are! You were in a depressed state. HOW IS THAT YOUR FAULT?!?!? Did you ask yourself to be depressed? Probably not! Did you dream of being in a depressive state? PROBABLY NOT!!!! Did she stand by you through the hard times and beat it into you that you need to see someone or a Doctor about it? Okay, may be in passing, but nothing short of throwing you in a car and taking you.

 

Dude, she met up with her Ex and they hooked up. Don't kid yourself that they didn't. You don't throw away 4 years out of the blue if nothing significant didn't happen. I mean, she even told you that she's going on a date with this douche rocket. She trying to clue you in that she has already BEEN with this guy, "so, it should come as a shock to you when I'm with him". Trying to break it to you gently.

 

Look, you get better for you and you alone. She wants to be a homewrecker, then let her go. She wants to screw up a family, then that the type of girl you DON'T want.

 

The best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life. Get your sh*t together. Get the help that you need and make positive changes in your life.

 

Start NC, start to heal and move forward.

[almosteverythingx]

Although not exact same circumstances. I too have been dumped very suddenly. My boyfriend decided only after 3 weeks of unhappiness to dump me. In the scheme of things isn't a long time when we were happy before and talked constantly about our future.

 

I too blame myself, I was so mardy before we broke up with university work and just moving into a house together.

 

Okay, I think you need to tell her you ACCEPT the break up, you have a good a relationship but you accept the fact things are over (even if you don't, counter intutive) and then drop off the face of the Earth i.e N/C. There is a chance she will run back if you do this, because firstly you are ending on good terms and making it a mutual agreement. Secondly, you are giving her space to miss you.

[RebCal]

I think our situation is very similar. My gf dumped me as well, saying I didn't make her feel special and not being affectionate. Basically for the 7 months that we were together, I didn't do much but hang out with her, lacking the romance the romance part. Even after expressing my feelings and apologizing, promising that I realize that and will change. She still wants to pursue the other guy. There's nothing much you can do at this point besides cutting communication in hopes that she will miss you and decides to get back.

 

It's hard to convince her to get back, since that will just show desperation, and draw negative feelings towards you. Not a good thing, when there is another guy that's making her laugh.

 

My girl dumped me 3 weeks ago, and I've tried doing everything in the book to get her to reconsider. I do realize now that I should've just walked away, knowing that there was someone else. I'm sure her and I would still be talking, trying to work things out, if that person wasn't there. I know it hurts as heck, but be strong. I made all the mistakes of trying to get her back.

 

Like you... I never saw it coming. Being unhappy to me can be easily fixed if communicated. To let go so easily without attempting to fix the issue, just proves that she bored and this new person is bringing excitement into her life.

Edited January 4, 2013 by RebCal

[LostOne1]

I think our situation is very similar. My gf dumped me as well, saying I didn't make her feel special and not being affectionate. Basically for the 7 months that we were together, I didn't do much but hang out with her, lacking the romance the romance part. Even after expressing my feelings and apologizing, promising that I realize that and will change. She still wants to pursue the other guy. There's nothing much you can do at this point besides cutting communication in hopes that she will miss you and decides to get back.

 

It's hard to convince her to get back, since that will just show desperation, and draw negative feelings towards you. Not a good thing, when there is another guy that's making her laugh.

 

My girl dumped me 3 weeks ago, and I've tried doing everything in the book to get her to reconsider. I do realize now that I should've just walked away, knowing that there was someone else. I'm sure her and I would still be talking, trying to work things out, if that person wasn't there. I know it hurts as heck, but be strong. I made all the mistakes of trying to get her back.

 

Like you... I never saw it coming. Being unhappy to me can be easily fixed if communicated. To let go so easily without attempting to fix the issue, just proves that she bored and this new person is bringing excitement into her life.

That's the problem.. our minds don't work properly sometimes.

 

Most of the time walking away is the best thing when someone throws you away. I didn't walk away and I regret not walking away day 1 of her saying it's over. If I had done that.. I'd have healed faster and probably had her chasing me.

 

TO be honest I don't think my ex had fully let me go. Even though she said it was over.. I could tell she still felt something. But she had let go and told herself to fight her feelings off. And sure over time those feelings will die down. But sometimes a person just has to know when to walk away from the situation.

 

I might be doing it late for myself.. but I'm glad I've walked away. Have been NC for 2 months now even though the BU was 5 months ago. I've been proud of fighting the urge to contact her off. I just remind myself walking away is the best decision at this point.

[Treasa]

Lecturing her won't win her back. She knows what she's getting into, or will soon find out. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. The first thing I would be doing if I were you, though, is calling a locksmith or getting your key back. I hope she isn't living with you while screwing someone else.