Scared I've lost the love of my life for good

[fabi20]

I'm looking for some encouraging words for my situation. My bf of 2 years broke up with me two months ago and I can't seem to let go, it hurts so much, I've been through break ups in the past, but this one is so hard to accept because he's the love of my life.

 

During the course of our two year relationship we had our share of arguments and misunderstandings, something that was mostly due to me not being very good at knowing how to be in a loving and understanding relationship.

 

Our fights sometimes led to break ups but nothing serious, the break ups lasted only a day or two and they were usually brought on from frustration in both our parts. Even though we had a lot of rough patches, we continued to make things work, but it seemed like every time we took a step forward we would take two steps back, eventually, my boyfriend grew tired and decided two years is enough to try and he said he had to make the decision to move on based on his own unhappiness.

 

I feel like I'm largely to blame because I didn't give him my 100 percent. Before we started dating I had gotten out of a 5 year relationship with someone who never showed me affection or took my feelings seriously, now looking back I see I mimicked some of the treatment my ex showed me onto this guy. I feel horrible, I didn't realize just how bad I sabotaged our relationship. These two months I've done a lot of reflecting and realized so many of my mistakes, a lot of it breaks my heart bc I didn't realize what I was doing at the time when my attitude towards him was really hurting him.

 

I know he didn't feel appreciated, and he didn't feel like our relationship was ever going to reach it's full potential, I understand it was hard for him to stay in something that no longer made him feel good about himself or about the relationship.

 

Before we broke up we got into another stupid argument, I didn't realize that would've been the breaking point. After our fight we told each other we would talk about it and finally reach a solution to our problems. He had said some pretty mean things to me so instead of acting mature and realizing the seriousness of the situation, I pushed him away even more. He asked me, "can we please just respect eachother, not judge each others character, and act like a real couple, it will be different but I think it's the root of our problems," he was giving it one last shot and being genuine, but instead I told him, "I don't know if it's possible," and continued being difficult and not understanding. This kills me bc if I had been more understanding we would probably still be together.

 

After that, we agreed to talk the next day but neither of us called the other. The day after, I found out my manger had passed away and I was devastated, I texted him that night and told him I was feeling very sad about my manager's passing and he did not get back to me until the next day with a simple, "i'm sorry to hear that." The next day I asked him if we were not suppose to talk, and he replied saying he was busy and I needed to relax. During this time I just thought we were giving each other space before our talk, I didn't think for a second it was over. He called me the next day and broke it off with me saying he was done and we were not getting back together. He said things are just too different and things have changed for him, he does not feel the same way and he thinks two years is enough to try. He was also hurt because I hadn't introduced him to my family and said that it made him feel like I thought he wasn't good enough.

 

I pleaded with him and said things would really change and that during those days of not talking I realized so much. He said it was too late and there was nothing I could do. He agreed to still talk and be there for me when I needed but did not want me to get any false hope, during the next couple of weeks my communication with him was all over the place, I tried to accept the break up and remain clam with him, keeping my messages to him friendly and light, and he would reply, then I would go back to asking for another chance, he would still reply but just keep telling me the same things.

 

The second month (december) that we were broken up I tried to see him in person bc I needed to tell him things in person and he didn't give me the benefit of breaking up with me in person, I would ask him to meet up and he would reply with a simple, "i'm working that weekend, then going to my moms house" or "i'm going out of town that week." After two weeks of him avoiding the face to face I sent him another message, politely and nicely asking telling him that I'm not sure if he needed more time, or if he was indeed never going to meet up with me, to please let me know if he would like me to stop asking him,"... he ignored this message and several other messages that followed the next week.

 

Yesterday was his birthday, so I texted him a simple happy bday and happy new year, he responded to that, saying thank you happy new year to you too, hope all is well. I feel like he's pushing me to the side and doesn't care what I think bc he ignored everything else, but he replies with "hope all is well"! I don't understand how he can be acting this way towards me when we agreed to be in friendly terms, especially with someone who he talked about marriage with and had long term plans with.

 

Some back ground on us- We are both in our late twenties, known each other since middle school. We dated in middle school (child crush) and then again when we were both 18 (nothing serious, just for three weeks, then he broke up with me) We've remained friends until two yrs ago when we started talking a lot more and started dating. I told him I had my reservations of entering a relationship with him bc of his past history with relationships (doesn't trust women easily, is very picky, wants things to always be perfect) he told me he only trusted me, and if things wouldn't work with me, then he thinks it wouldn't work with anyone, he seemed very serious about us and his desires to be together and apologized for not giving us a try back when we were younger. I also had reservations bc I was not in a good place to have a relationship, nevertheless, we did start a relationship, and now we are here.

 

He's the love of my life and if he gave us another chance it would be completely different, people sometimes have to get a wake up call to snap put of their bad habits. I feel like it's too late though and he's pushing me further and further away He was always so sweet to me, the best bf I've ever had, so genuine and caring, he loved me dearly, I don't understand how I mean nothing to him now. I know my mistakes and I blame myself for a lot of our problems, I think I was afraid to be happy so I pushed away something that was so great.

 

I feel like if he saw me or heard my voice he would see that maybe he made a mistake. Why is he avoiding even a telephone call, but replies to my messages when I text him other things? I just want to see him and see if he's totally over me, or just avoiding me bc he knows it will make it harder if we see each other.

 

Should I continue trying to meet up? Give up? I'm so hurt, as most of you know, this is painful

Edited January 4, 2013 by fabi20

[Bluem]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like he tried to reconcile and give it his all and you simply pushed him away, right? Now, he's enjoying all this attention you're giving him because you didn't actually expect to break up.

 

Be honest with yourself: are you really ready for a relationship at this point? Maybe you need some time to be single, to learn about yourself, to be independent.

 

If you feel like you're ready, and 100% ready to commit, and 100% sure he's the one (and this isn't just some kind of thing where you don't want to lose him), I guess you could try to reconcile. Show him how you have grown - be confident, kind, understanding, etc. Explain why you were acting the way you were and how you're going to change that.

 

Also, yes, he is probably avoiding you on purpose and trying to get over you. There are a lot of things that went wrong here and he seems hurt. How can you have dated someone for two years and they're not significant enough to meet your family? It took you two years to realize this guy was important enough for you to put in the effort? If you were him - wouldn't you have given up too?

[fabi20]

Bluem, he did try his hardest in the end to make things work, I didn't know things had gotten so bad, or maybe I did but didn't know how to handle it, was paralyzed by the situation in a sense. Sometimes, I force myself to learn the hard way.

 

I truly love him, and I KNOW we can be happy again, I wouldn't want to try so bad if I knew it wasn't worth it. I've always had a place for him in my heart, since middle school, and what I feel for him now after losing him is unbearable bc I know it's my fault. I want to fix things to be like they were suppose to be.

 

In terms of my family, I only have my mom and uncle who live with me, and I told him the relationship with my mom isn't very open, and due to my last bf (her hating him) I was never used to opening up to her about my relationships, but I should've known this guy didn't deserve to be ousted from my life that way, it hurts that I did that.

 

I have family out of the country (dad, sister, brother, aunts, uncles), and I had asked him to come with me when I visited them but he wasn't able to, I don't know if that helped at all.

 

I want to pour my heart to him and let him know all that I realized, but I want to do it in person or on the phone, he avoids this at all costs...I don't want to seem desperate to him and push him further away, but I'm willing to do anything, even sky dive for him to believe me that I've changed

[fabi20]

If he told me when he was breaking up that he didn't want to give me any false hopes that's why we couldn't jump into being friends right away, and seemed pretty firm on his decision, could it mean that he really is totally over it and the reason he ignores my requests to meet in person or talk on the phone is bc he indeed doesn't want to give me false hope of any kind? or could it be that he doesn't want to make it harder on him?

 

I just don't know why he wouldn't tell me that he's not planning on meeting up with me when I asked him if he needed more time or if he wanted me to stop asking him...why ignore that and not ignore other messages?

 

why not tell me if he really wanted me to stop requesting to meet up?

[fabi20]

texted him yesterday asking if i could call him when he's free sometime, and still no reply...

 

 

why he would reply to my bday text two days ago and not this one is killing me...it's killing me that he ignores me like i don't have feelings

 

why can't he tell me, yes or no?