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! "Grass is greener" or something else?


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I'll start with a small disclaimer about this being a long post. I'll try to break it into readable paragraphs. Also, English is not my native language, so please excuse any writing mistakes. :lmao:

 

So, I'm going through a very painful breakup at the moment and I'm not sure what to make of it. Basically, I've been with this girl for 3 years and 7 months and we've known eachother for about 5 years. We've met on a social networking site and started chatting casually about things, which lead to us meeting in person, becoming friends, best friends and finally lovers. There was no instant attraction between us or anything like that (at least I don't think there was), we just enjoyed each other's company a lot at the beginning.

 

She's 4 years younger than me (I'm 25 now, she's 21) and was still in high school when we met, while I was in college. It was a partially long distance relationship, since we only met in weekends or on vacations. After some time, when we we're both sure we were best friends and needed each other in our lives, we started talking about the idea of being together and wondered if our friendship was possible if one of us weren't at least a bit attracted to the other.

 

Now, we've both had never been in a serious relationship before and we were both just fantasizing about being with some people we actually had crushes on. Eventually, we reached a point where she said let's try being together. It was awkward, mainly because of me since I was suddenly scared of ruining it and she had to end it shortly, saying it's not going to work and she can't see me as anything more than a friend.

 

Fast forward 4-5 months, we were still best friends, but I wasn't over it, knowing it was my fault it didn't work out. She still had an occasional fling with some guys, but nothing serious. Eventually I had told her I can't take it no more. I was too in love with her and as much as I wanted to be her friend, I couldn't keep things going like that. She was devastated, she said she didn't want to lose me, but that she can't see me as anything more than a friend. After a couple of days, she said she'll do anything to help me get over it and that I was just too shy for her, that's why she thought it wouldn't work out.

 

One month later, she started behaving differently, holding my hand when we were walking, suggesting stuff, calling me all kinds of romantic nicknames and suddenly we were making out and she was happy with the idea of being lovers. The next year was all honeymoon, we were both happy and she was telling me how wrong she was to think she couldn't see me as anything more than a friend. And I'm sure she wasn't faking it. She was sending me all kinds of small gifts and doing stuff to make me happy. And she was happy.

 

About 1 year and a half me moved in together with some of my friends since she had come to college. Things were good, but were gradually getting worse. We started arguing over all kinds of stupid things, I got a stressful job which caused me to be exhausted and even depressed on some days. But things were working out.

 

2 and a half years into the relationship, we had a talk about us. She said again that she was seeing me just as a friend and that she wasn't in love anymore. We talked, I begged and so on, until we got past it. I kept asking her if things were ok, she said yes, seemed happy, said all her future plans had me in them and it was a mini honeymoon again. I must mention that she had a summer job during that time when we had the "talk", which she was very happy about and it seemed to give her a lot of confidence.

 

The next year, I had to move out, was done with college and I was only staying in this town for her, since my job wasn't really enough of a motivation. (I didn't get a different one because it paid well, the people were nice and in my country it's very HARD to find even a job like the one I had) I had a serious talk with her and asked her to think it through. Did she want to move in with me? I couldn't afford to pay the rent and everything on my own, but was willing to make an effort with the help of my parents until she got a job and could contribute too. I asked her to think really good about this since it was a big decision and I didn't want her to do it just for my sake or to bail out a couple of months later. She thought about it and said that she had no doubts she wanted it and that she would get a job as soon as possible, even though I told her to focus on college and not rush into it.

 

We then moved in together into an apartment which she was very excited about and even got a job soon after. Now, 3 months after she got that job, I started noticing that she behaved weird. She wasn't all that affectionate anymore, she kept picking fights over silly things, sex was close to non existent and whenever I complained about these things she would say she was sorry and it was just that she was tired dealing with the job and college at the same time. I even told her she doesn't love me anymore to which she replied that it's not true.

 

Eventually she went to her company's Christmas party and we had some arguments that night over her not answering the phone and stuff. I freaked out when I probably shouldn't have.

 

Four days later, she's acting cold again and I stop talking to her, being sick of her recent behavior, but actually expecting to have a talk about the problems. She then drops the bomb:

 

"I'm moving out. I don't love you anymore. I like someone else."

 

It was a workmate and it seemed she said she kissed him that night when she didn't answer and that she wanted to be with him, although he wasn't sure he wanted to be with her. She said she cares so little about me that she ended up cheating, which she never thought possible and that it wasn't my fault.

 

Now, that's not right. I'm now aware I had become insecure, needy and didn't hide my jealousy, even though I didn't actually accuse her of stuff or restrict her into hanging out with anyone but the people who I knew for sure wanted to break us up and sleep with her. I realize I've made a lot of mistakes which probably pushed her away from me and made her lose attraction, but she was actually emotionally cheating on me for some time I think.

 

My reaction was unexpected even for me, I begged, cried, told her I can get over anything, tried to convince her I could change and all that stuff. She stayed one more night with me, she kissed me, hugged me, told me she was sorry but I had to accept it was over. She even cried and told me she didn't regret anything, it was just that she's 21 and she doesn't feel like she is 21 and that our relationship was never enough for her. That she doesn't feel butterflies anymore. (remember this was about 6 months after I asked her for sure if she wanted to move in with me and I could count on her on the long run.)

 

I'm now doing a sort of NC, (about a week into it), but it will have to end in a week or two since she has to pick up her stuff from my place. I'm not sure what to do.

 

Is this a GIG? Or something more? I don't think she is with that guy right now, but she said she really wants to. Please help me!

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It sounds like she has moved on. From day 1 she was unsure of her feelings for you so now, it shouldn't be that much of a surprise. I'm sorry that the wasn't upfront with you about it when she started having feelings for the other guy but I think she has made it pretty clear that she wants out. I think you should let her go and do what she wants. If she comes back, I would be cautious about it.

 

I hope that when she comes to get her stuff you can get some closure.

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yeah man, sad to say but those warning signs were there from the beginning. it sounds like you were the "friend with benefits". you made a good fake-boyfriend to help her through life and keep her company, but she always made it clear many many times that she did not feel in love with you, but only regarded you as a friend.

 

you cannot change her feelings, and as hard as it will be, it is best you just let her go. she made that choice a long time ago my friend.

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I have thought about this too. But I'm pretty sure there were times when she was actually happy to be with me and she did some things which I doubt she would have done if she didn't love me.

 

Now I'm confused. She did actually stay with me for 3 and a half years, can one really do that if she doesn't feel love?

 

Again, I must point out that I did become a less attractive person during our relationship and was having a pretty negative view on life. I'm still thinking that maybe it pushed her away.

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So she called me today asking when she could pick up her stuff and if I was going to give it back to her. I told her I'm disappointed that she would even think about me not giving her stuff back. Then she asked me how I was, what I had done on NYE and she told me what she had done. It was a bit awkward, but I don't know what to make of it.

 

Does she still care at least a bit? It's not that I'm having any hope. I have accepted the idea of letting her go, since that's what she wants, but I can't accept that we won't ever talk again. I'm sure there will come a time where I will be ok with just being friends with her.

 

Until now she hasn't completely cut off contact with me. I removed her from FB afraid that I would see painful things on her profile, but she still has me on yahoo. She's now doing a sort of NC herself and I'm sure it would be a complete NC if she didn't have to pick up her stuff from my place.

 

I don't get this? Why is she so cold? Why didn't she even try to suggest we remain friends? I know I would have refused at the time being, but why didn't she even try? I can't understand why she would want me completely out of her life after all that we've been through together.

 

I'm losing all hope in mankind and I'm seriously wishing that something puts me out of my misery.

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I have thought about this too. But I'm pretty sure there were times when she was actually happy to be with me and she did some things which I doubt she would have done if she didn't love me.

 

Now I'm confused. She did actually stay with me for 3 and a half years, can one really do that if she doesn't feel love?

 

Again, I must point out that I did become a less attractive person during our relationship and was having a pretty negative view on life. I'm still thinking that maybe it pushed her away.

 

it doesn't really mean she didn't feel "love" at some point, but it just means she doesn't anymore, or at least not enough to want to stay.

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  • 3 weeks later...

 

I don't get this? Why is she so cold? Why didn't she even try to suggest we remain friends? I know I would have refused at the time being, but why didn't she even try? I can't understand why she would want me completely out of her life after all that we've been through together.

 

I'm losing all hope in mankind and I'm seriously wishing that something puts me out of my misery.

 

Woman like this are immature and do not understand loyalty, or at least not yet.

 

She wants whatever feels good now and isn't thinking long term like you and I.

 

In all honesty she is probably having a blast with her new boy toy, boyfriend, whatever; however I can almost guarantee you she will end up going through a divorce if she doesn't spend most of her time hopping from one guy to another.

 

Look at it from my perspective.

 

Would you have her come back knowing that you'd get married and later find out she is cheating on you when you're 35? I'll tell you one thing is for sure, it's a bit more difficult picking up cute young girls at that age. You and I still have a lot of energy/youth in us at 24 and I think getting out of a relationship with our attention craving exes now saved us a lot of heartache in the future.

 

It's going to suck for a few months, maybe even longer, but going through this heartache and loneliness now will pay off in the future. Continue to focus on your career/schooling and building a bright future for yourself. Nothing is more attractive to a woman than a good looking guy who knows what he wants in life.

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She cheated on you, why would you want to be back with a woman like that?

 

Think about life, your life. Look ahead, think about how many years and years you have of life, how many wonderful things you could be achieving, think about children and grandchildren and all the joy that brings.

 

Now come back to this moment in time. Think about all the time you are wasting on this one chick who has shoved you aside and gone with someone else.

 

Why are you allowing her to steal your precious time of joy?

 

Have you cheated on her? No.

 

You may have been "negative" in the relationship but that doesn't excuse cheating does it. Would you hurt her in this manner. No?

 

So why would you want someone who when she was flirting, then kissing and having sex with this other guy shoved you so far out of her thoughts you didn't matter?

 

Don't let her come to your place and pick up her stuff, pack her stuff up right now, take it to her work or whatever and dump it there, say goodbye and be gone.

 

No phone calls, no texts, remove her from yahoo, remove her from your life and move on. Time to start enjoying life again.

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She cheated on you, why would you want to be back with a woman like that?

 

Think about life, your life. Look ahead, think about how many years and years you have of life, how many wonderful things you could be achieving, think about children and grandchildren and all the joy that brings.

 

Now come back to this moment in time. Think about all the time you are wasting on this one chick who has shoved you aside and gone with someone else.

 

Why are you allowing her to steal your precious time of joy?

 

Have you cheated on her? No.

 

You may have been "negative" in the relationship but that doesn't excuse cheating does it. Would you hurt her in this manner. No?

 

So why would you want someone who when she was flirting, then kissing and having sex with this other guy shoved you so far out of her thoughts you didn't matter?

 

Don't let her come to your place and pick up her stuff, pack her stuff up right now, take it to her work or whatever and dump it there, say goodbye and be gone.

 

No phone calls, no texts, remove her from yahoo, remove her from your life and move on. Time to start enjoying life again.

 

exactly this ^^^^^^^^^^

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Sorry dude. It MAY be GIGS but whats a for sure thing is that she cheated on you.

 

She's valuing someone else more than you right now. And I don't buy that it was just a kiss at the Christmas Party, it was more than that. So, don't kid yourself.Time to let her go and move on with your life. And, to me, it sounds like you're ready to do just that.

 

Start looking for a new job in a new city (you said you were miserable at your current one). You said the only thing keeping you there was her. So, now that she wants you out of her life, you have no excuse to move on to something better for yourself.

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Well, I'm struggling with NC right now. I actually ran into her accidentally today. I smiled, she smiled, said hellos, asked what I was doing and then she went on her merry way. I know I have to move on and I don't see any way I could be back together with her. But I still end up thinking of her most of the time. It bothers me that I can't really figure out what she's thinking right now and I know it shouldn't bother me. I just can't understand how people can change so much or hide their true self so much, if that's what she did. I know I didn't treat the relationship properly most of the time because of my insecurity, but I would have never turned on her and I wouldn't turn on her ever, even after what she's done.

 

I did end up saying some harsh words the last time we met, but we ended up having a nice, serious conversation afterwards where she explained everything that didn't work and told me she is sure we'll talk again one day. I thought that was the closure I needed, but it seems you can never get enough closure. :laugh:

 

In the end, I can say I have really learned a lot from this breakup. I know how I should handle relationships and breakups from now on. I read a lot about why women cheat and what types of girls and behaviors to avoid. I learned that I need to address my insecurity and increase my confidence, that I shouldn't depend on others to make me happy, that I suffer from something called "fear of abandonment" which also needs addressing and that having a positive view on things can make the whole difference between success and failure.

 

I delayed quitting my job at the moment, since I received an incredible amount of support from the people there. They've all acted like true friends and did all they could for me. Even my boss was worried and called me when he heard about the breakup. It seems he can see himself when he looks at me and understands my suffering. It really moved me to see someone as arrogant and dismissive as him really caring about me and my breakup.

 

I'll wait until summer to see how things work out and then I'll probably have to make a serious decision about my future.

 

Thank you all for the support. I know what the right thing to do is, it's just hard to accept that I could love so much a person capable of doing the things she did. I do believe we people have it too easy these days since we allow so much drama and BS to unfold from relationships. We never seem happy with what we have and nothing can satisfy us. Good luck getting married and holding onto that marriage these days.

Edited by jcd07
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She's 21, she probably wants to see a bit of the world right now. Beside, she cheated, that would say a lot about you if you took her back so easily. If she decided to run back to safety. She'd probably run off again.

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I agree that she's young and wants to experience different stuff. She admitted that she doesn't know who she is and what she wants from life and she needs to find it out on her own. If only it had meant something different than "someone else".

 

The cheating part hurts the most. She could have been kinder to my feelings, especially since she knew that I considered being cheated on the worst thing in the world. I have always tried to be good to her, not to gain stuff, but because that is my nature. I'm not being good to get approval or attention. I'm good to people because it feels right. I have always supported her, always been there for her, I was the perfect lame ass nice guy that chicks don't feel attracted to, for her. And it backfired big time.

 

Now I know I can't have her back and even if I could, I shouldn't. I know what taking back a cheater so easily says about me, but I know why I was inclined to do so at first. Like I said earlier, I seem to suffer from "fear of abandonment". I recently stumbled on an article about it and what I was reading felt awfully familiar. I started digging deeper and about an hour later, I was able to trace it way back to my childhood and a hundred bells started ringing through my mind as I remembered things from my past and behaviors I never understood. That was the reason I panicked, cried, begged and was unable to see my life going on when she broke up with me. It was my worst nightmare, my biggest fear taking shape before my eyes. Now I feel nothing but shame and regret for my behavior, but at least I know I have a problem that I need to fix if I want to have healthy relationships from now on. And I will fix it, as hard as it may be.

Edited by jcd07
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