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Dumper has more difficult time to move on?


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My ex for 7 years (including LDR, ON and OFF) broke up with me by saying that "I love you but not in love with you" 3 months ago. I was so hurt, but I accepted and respect his decision. He asked me if we can be friends but I denied because we have so strong intimacy to each other. But my ex convinced me to stay friends and I finally accepted.

 

We were pretty good after the breakup. I thought I would go NC for a while, but my ex wanted to see me within a week after the breakup, so sifted to LC instead of NC. We started exchanging short emails, then IM, and started hanging out. That soon became regular basis because we are so comfortable to be together. This is one of our issues. We had broken up several times before, but we easily fall back this on and off routine.

 

Anyway we enjoyed the gray relationship this 3 months. I thought it wasn't right, but OK for me as a transition because I was able to increase distance from my ex during this period.

 

Then, a week ago, my ex told me that he needs NC at least 3 months to be friends with me. I couldn't understand.

 

He is the dumper, wanted friendship with me, initiated contacting within a week after the breakup, wanted hanging out, talking, freedom, and hookups with me without any pressure and the responsibility of a relationship.

I gave him what he wanted. I didn't push him, and also didn't ask him to take me back. I assumed he had everything as he wished.

 

Does dumper have more difficult time to move on?

I feel like I'm the dumper.

 

In the last conversation, he looked very confused and sounded like a contradiction. I think he has GIGS and commitment phobia too.

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Difficult one. Sounds like he wants to be single but also have you in reserve which isn't acceptable...it keeps you hanging and doesn't allow you to move on healthily.

 

As a dumper, I know that it's hard to let someone go and I have been guilty of remaining in contact. I think you need to let him know that he either wants to be with you or he needs to let you go. Simple as that.

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Just had relationship like this.

 

Ex broke up with me but still wanted to go out to eat & was still sleeping with me til September when he got into a relationship. He then began to be rude & I wasn't having it so I went NC which only worked like 3 weeks because he then contacted me. Since that day in October we hooked up at least 3 times (once a month including once this month). Any how, after this last time he said he can't get over me but HAS to for this young lady's sake. I told him I would be going NC & he said it's what's best for him because he has been trying since July to get over me.

 

What I believe is this is a case of GIGS & the fact that he just can't seem to commit to anyone longer than 8 months. Idk if he gets bored or afraid but I've noticed since middle school (now in college) he has had this dating pattern. I really don't think it's me anymore. I think he is just trying to "live" & maybe we were getting too serious.

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Of course he wanted to stay friends with you after the break-up! Having you around is comforting for him so as not to have to go without you cold turkey. Now that he has had you around long enough as a friend and is feeling stronger, he is ready to do NC...which leaves you out cold in the process.

 

You should have cut him off immediately after the breakup and let him know what it's like to REALLY be without you. I say you give him the NC now. Sooner or later he will contact you again to be friends whenever he starts missing you or gets weak. At that point you can tell him sorry...you cant just have me whenever you want.

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Typical dumper's "I want to have my cake and eat it too." I would never contact my dumper. EVER. Too much self-respect (though I did beg a few times, for him to take me back, but never after I realized he had been serious about the break-up rather than just trying to blackmail me). I will not contact him unless he initiates contact, and even then, it depends on what he says and what I think his intentions are. I may or may not respond. I probably will, if he's nice enough and isn't obviously looking for a booty call. It also depends on how soon after the break-up he contacts me. If very soon, I would still be latching on to hope that we might get together, so I would probably respond.

 

I don't know if they actually really feel "bad" most of the time. I think it's more of a feeling of discomfort that you get when you stop doing the things you were used to. Routine does that to you. Sure, he misses your company and the sex, but not because of who you are and what you mean to him. He just misses the idea of having a companion.

 

In the conversation we had when he dumped me, my ex told me that the reason he had called me every day in the month prior to dumping me was that he had been missing me while away from home for work, because he usually feels worse when away from home. I asked him if he still missed me now that he was back home (we were in a LDR).. He said "I will miss all the little things." He never said he would miss me, so why would I not take his word for it?

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I know he has GIGS, because he have broken up with me to seek a relationship with "a friend" before, in almost same situation as this time.

 

At that time, we were unofficial yet and I wanted to make it official, then he got upset, told me that he is not ready to be in a serious relationship yet, and also many conflicted excuses. (He must be commitment phobia)

Then, out of nowhere, he suddenly picked up a girl from him circle, told me he wants to see if a relationship with the girl go anywhere. Even though, he only had talked the girl a week, and he didn't know if he liked the girl yet. (GIGS)

 

This time is almost same. I wanted him to commit the relationship with me, and he got upset, broke up with me. (it was the original BU 3 months ago)

a week before the second BU (2 weeks ago), he met a girl online and started talking to her. Then he again said me that he wants to see if a relationship with the girl go anywhere. I asked him if he liked the girl, he answered he doesn't know because they only talked online for a week. He doesn't even know if she likes him or not yet. (he is fantasizing...GIGS!)

 

He also told me that she would come to see him in spring, or maybe Feb or Jan (the girl lives overseas). Though, he is not sure.

 

He tends to think someone flirting or giving complements him romantically interested in him. (What a narcissist...)

 

I noticed that he was not worth to get back while I'm writing this post...

 

This time is the first time to cut all contacts with him, first time for him to live a life without me. I hope he notices his over-confidence and he can be more mature by this experience.

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he is not ready to be in a serious relationship yet

 

"I love you but not in love with you"

 

He is the dumper, wanted friendship with me, initiated contacting within a week after the breakup, wanted hanging out, talking, freedom, and hookups with me without any pressure and the responsibility of a relationship.

 

What the ****? Were you dating my ex??

 

It's crazy how my ex said the EXACT same stuff, and did the SAME stuff... :confused:

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He tends to think someone flirting or giving complements him romantically interested in him.

Yup. Mine thought that any woman who talked to him or flirted with him wanted to go to bed with him or date him... He even told me about girls flirting with him and wanting sex, and him "turning them down"... :laugh::lmao:

 

He once told me that he was with his co-worker in a hotel in Turkey, and this woman had forgotten her hotel card on the table in the lounge. He claimed she deliberately did that so that his co-worker would go after her and go to her room... His co-worker apparently took the card and left the lounge, and he claimed that he was probably going around the rooms, checking which room the card was for... (he probably did no such thing, probably just took it to the reception desk !)... :rolleyes:

 

For him, it was all about women flirting with him and wanting sex with him. :rolleyes::sick:

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Yeah, my ex is totally same as your ex...

My ex likes "ideas" dislike "real". He had had a fiancee overseas once before. (Because of this, he never admit that he is a commitment phobia) Though, from my point of view, it wasn't real because they were engaged but he asked his fiancee to live with him in his country on a STUDENT VISA! Not fiancee visa or marriage visa even they were engaged for many years (most of their relationship was LDR and they barely met each other twice a year). Sounds crazy doesn't it?

 

And he is kind of living in a fairly tall. So, he believes love is magical stuff like a romance movie. Ugh, he is kind a creepy... actually.

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Yeah, my ex is totally same as your ex...

My ex likes "ideas" dislike "real". He had had a fiancee overseas once before. (Because of this, he never admit that he is a commitment phobia) Though, from my point of view, it wasn't real because they were engaged but he asked his fiancee to live with him in his country on a STUDENT VISA! Not fiancee visa or marriage visa even they were engaged for many years (most of their relationship was LDR and they barely met each other twice a year). Sounds crazy doesn't it?

 

And he is kind of living in a fairly tall. So, he believes love is magical stuff like a romance movie. Ugh, he is kind a creepy... actually.

Ironic that these people , a lot of the time, end up doing LDR.. it's of course easier to manage a non-relationship/pseudo-relationship when you can keep someone away from you and can go with the "out of sight , out of mind" logic. Out of sight = no sex. => out of mind, since he doesn't want more than the sex and your physical presence/companionship and once he doesn't have EITHER, why should he think about you? My ex even told me (while we were still together) that he didn't want to think about me all the time. It's like, to him, it was all a chore.. except when it came to doing enough to get me to have sex with him, when he was in my country for work.

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I think so. the dumper has a choice, the dumpee doesn't.

 

The dumper May realise later they made the wrong choice.

 

My friend dumped her bf 20 years ago. She regrets it everyday......

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I think he picked up the new girl living overseas to have an unrealistic fantasy relationship which works for him not wanting to commit to anyone. It seems very useful for him because he doesn't have any pressure and still can have a freedom to play around. Actually I was a great GF in the relationship, anyone can see me as a good wife for a guy. I think this was the true reason of him breaking up with me. He actually had no excuse to breakup with me, had been on the right truck to a marriage. So that get him scared to be with me because he cannot find any reason to escape from the commitment.

 

His excuses of breaking up were contradiction and there were actually no particular reason to breakup. So he picked up an unbelievable reason to blame me to break up at the last conversation.

 

The last day, I was at his place. He was very busy for his work, so I offered him chores like dishes, cooking for dinner and doing laundries. After doing them, I got home and got a phone call from him.

He told me that he is appreciate my companionship... then almost yelled "DON'T THINK THESE ACTIONS GET US BACK TOGETHER!!" What a rude jerk!

He sounded like I'm the one who chasing and pushing him. Though, actually the situation looked totally opposite. I think he got upset because I didn't pursue him and his pride got hurt by that. So he tried to dump me again with such a ridiculous reason.

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he believes love is magical stuff like a romance movie. Ugh, he is kind a creepy... actually.

 

 

I believe love like that is REAL...and beautiful.

 

I know...i felt it. I HAD it at one time recently.

 

Does that make me creepy, too?

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I think so. the dumper has a choice, the dumpee doesn't.

 

The dumper May realise later they made the wrong choice.

 

My friend dumped her bf 20 years ago. She regrets it everyday......

 

So why doesnt she do something about it?

 

If she loved him so much that she has regretted leaving him for two DECADES, why doesnt she try..at least TRY...to contact him?

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I believe love like that is REAL...and beautiful.

 

I know...i felt it. I HAD it at one time recently.

 

Does that make me creepy, too?

 

 

Unfortunately, I have never felt such a beautiful love in my life. That is good to have beautiful magical love in your life. Though I personally think that these kind of love is very fragile and not suit a marriage because marriage is not a fairly tall. I wouldn't have cared about my ex living in a fairly tall world if we didn't have a rough life.

 

I didn't mention... but actually my ex has huge debt and no job. There is only reality and no fairly tall life for him at this point, I guess.

So for me, my ex is kind of creepy because he totally ignore the real and pursues a romantic magical love which solves all problems and he can live happily ever after.

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Unfortunately, I have never felt such a beautiful love in my life. That is good to have beautiful magical love in your life. Though I personally think that these kind of love is very fragile and not suit a marriage because marriage is not a fairly tall. I wouldn't have cared about my ex living in a fairly tall world if we didn't have a rough life.

 

I didn't mention... but actually my ex has huge debt and no job. There is only reality and no fairly tall life for him at this point, I guess.

So for me, my ex is kind of creepy because he totally ignore the real and pursues a romantic magical love which solves all problems and he can live happily ever after.

 

 

Real, true love...endures all.

 

Doesnt mean you bury your head in the sand and ignore reality, but it means that you can always come back to your relationship...your love...for comfort during difficult times.

 

Take me for example: I'm a nurse...a full-time student...and a single dad.

 

Life was HARD. Part of the reason I took on so much was that I was TRYING to plan for the future with the woman I was going on marry in 5 months, and i wanted to make SURE our financial future was secure.

 

I went to university Mon-Fri and worked 16 hour shifts Sat and Sun. For her...for US.

 

Still, when we found time to be together (more frequent than my schedule would suggest), I would totally lose myself in the love I felt for her.

 

It was kind of a respite for me..a calm place I could be until I had to walk out my front door and face another day of hard work and stress....on too little sleep.

 

I really DO believe in "fairy tale love". I wouldn't be myself if I didnt. It's beautiful, and I refuse to believe it does not exist because for the past 5 years, I had it in the palm of my hand.

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Too late.

 

They moved on are in different countries and he's married now.

 

 

Jesus. Oh man, that's like my WORST nightmare right there.

 

I'm more afraid of that happening to me than anything else on this earth.

 

What a horrible thing to have to live with. :(

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Jesus. Oh man, that's like my WORST nightmare right there.

 

I'm more afraid of that happening to me than anything else on this earth.

 

What a horrible thing to have to live with. :(

 

I hope my dumper lives to regret it.........

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Real, true love...endures all.

 

Doesnt mean you bury your head in the sand and ignore reality, but it means that you can always come back to your relationship...your love...for comfort during difficult times.

 

Take me for example: I'm a nurse...a full-time student...and a single dad.

 

Life was HARD. Part of the reason I took on so much was that I was TRYING to plan for the future with the woman I was going on marry in 5 months, and i wanted to make SURE our financial future was secure.

 

I went to university Mon-Fri and worked 16 hour shifts Sat and Sun. For her...for US.

 

Still, when we found time to be together (more frequent than my schedule would suggest), I would totally lose myself in the love I felt for her.

 

It was kind of a respite for me..a calm place I could be until I had to walk out my front door and face another day of hard work and stress....on too little sleep.

 

I really DO believe in "fairy tale love". I wouldn't be myself if I didnt. It's beautiful, and I refuse to believe it does not exist because for the past 5 years, I had it in the palm of my hand.

 

Actually, What you did is similar what I did for him. I moved to his country to go to a school to get a visa and future job in the country, I was full-time student and worker at the same time.

I couldn't have any social life because of that, but I was satisfied because I was able to be with him. What is a fairy tale love?

For me, it was very tough and rough realistic life and love.

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Actually, What you did is similar what I did for him. I moved to his country to go to a school to get a visa and future job in the country, I was full-time student and worker at the same time.

I couldn't have any social life because of that, but I was satisfied because I was able to be with him. What is a fairy tale love?

For me, it was very tough and rough realistic life and love.

 

That's part of the reason I wasn't able to make any friends here either...

 

I was always either at school, at work, or with her.

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Funniest thing is my ex decided to get someone who was younger than me, still in high school, with no car, & hung around kids her age. He didn't have to see her often & he gets that "butterfly in the stomach" effect when they do finally get the chance to hang out. With me we were planning for our future & going to class, doing work together, being each others support system financially & emotionally. I think they need something like the movies depict. Something where they can escape reality. I know often my ex would text,me & say reality is fighting him & winning. That's why he had to go NC because I was like a big mistake that he couldn't face anymore.

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I feel that the dumped has a harder time moving on. The dumper knows what they're doing and checks out early. The dumped is under the impression everything is fine, and then one day. BAM! Their world changes and they go from really happy to really depressed, angry and confused.

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Actually, What you did is similar what I did for him. I moved to his country to go to a school to get a visa and future job in the country, I was full-time student and worker at the same time.

I couldn't have any social life because of that, but I was satisfied because I was able to be with him. What is a fairy tale love?

For me, it was very tough and rough realistic life and love.

 

I find that's the hardest part of life these days. We get so busy with work and school.. we aren't able to have a proper social life.

 

And the only way it works is we get into a relationship. But then when the relationship ends we break down. I found it tough to balance things out with my and she just wanted too much out of me.

 

I don't know about other people, but my ex expected we would talk EVERY night for 3-5 hrs on the PC through webcam or chat. I'll be honest after awhile I just couldn't do it anymore.

 

I see so many people these days investing their life with someone else. Then out of no where it ends and they are left broken inside thinking why they made all these sacrifices for a dream that now won't come true......

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