Broken relationship, what can I do?

[eduardo23]

Hi, new here and been reading a lot of threads here tonight. I really would appreciate any help and advice about my situation. I want to save my relationship so please help me out!

 

My GF and I have been together for almost 3 years as of today and we have been dealing with issues for almost 2 months, with the last year or so becoming 'boring'.

 

I am almost 25, still in school and have never dated anyone else, so I am a bit naive about relationships. She has graduated and out of school for a few months now and has not been able to get an interview for a job yet. I wanted to marry her and have that "marrying my first love" dream, and logically in my brain I know she has flaws but I accept them and don't care and still want her back.

 

Short concise version of my story :

Our relationship has gone kind of stale and boring for the last year or so, and my GF brings up she is unhappy with this about 2 months ago. So of course I love her, so I try to resolve these problems but she goes on a weekend trip out of town a month ago and comes back with the intention of being absolutely alone and never wanting to talk to me again. Regrettably I've become dependent, pathetic, and begging her to save the relationship, and shes talking to me a little more but she is very distant and seems to only talk to me to make sure I'm okay. What can I do to fix this?

 

Sorry, this is the LONG version of my story:

It is near impossible for me to speak my mind and say things outloud as I always kept things to myself, so sorry for sharing every single detail with you lovely folks here on loveshack .

So we have been growing apart the last year or so in terms of how much communication, but to me the time we spent together still made me really happy. I thought she felt the same too, but in hindsight she showed little signs of displeasure that she bottled up and eventually exploded into the situation I am in today.

 

About two months ago she went to a party that I couldn't go to due to school work, and I as always gave her my blessing and wished her to have fun. After she came back from the party she ignored me for a few days and whenever I tried to spend time with her she would say shes not in the mood. Naturally I had bad thoughts such as she cheated on me but I tried my best to give her the benefit of the doubt. We talked after a week and she told me she was not happy in the relationship, it had nothing to do with another guy, we have become stale, she wanted me to take more leadership and have more fun.

 

I tried to do more with her but it became a very up and down month with her rejecting me one day, being happy with me another, becoming angry with how nothing changed despite me trying. She said some very negative things to me, such as she didn't want to just "settle" and despite how unfair and hurtful those words were I did not say anything I would regret. Also during all of this she would be in constant communication with another guy who is kind of our mutual friend, they would talk, text each other (in front of me), go out together, bring each other lunch at work.

 

Sigh I feel like crap typing this out, and I still want her back.. Anyways things were looking good, we were talking and putting in more effort but then about a month ago she had a planned trip out of town for a weekend. I told her to have fun and I'll talk to her when she came back, and it all went downhilll from there. She came back, and was absolutely cold towards me, sending one word text replies sometimes 6 hours after I asked her something, and this was during my final week of school (projects due, exams coming up) so I was stressed out. I confronted her one night and after some pushing her she finally told me she does not care anymore, she wants to be alone from everyone, she does not think about me anymore. What the hell, we were fine before her trip and then she comes back home with this mindset?

 

So I hit rock bottom, in complete depression and moping around. I was so hurt and didn't want to do anything. So after 2-3 days I decide I have to do something really big, after brainstorming and asking my really good friends I plan a surprise in her room with a gift, candle lights, pictures of us hanging in the room, rose petals, and words hanging from the ceiling saying "Will you go out with me?". Unfortunately the day I planned this surprise she had a party, but I didn't want to change the plans and set it up anyways. Once it was all set up I thought it looked gorgeous. She comes home drunk and after a bit completely breaks down in tears saying stuff like how shes been a bad girlfriend, shes done so many bad things to me, something happened on her trip, theres so many things she wants to fix about herself, then I break down and try to tell her I want to work through this together, and I love her and I miss her so much. I'm also dying on the inside hearing her say something happened on the trip, but she never told me what happened. However we decided to sleep and the next morning we had a talk and she insisted she wanted to be alone, wanted a "break", told me I should try dating other girls, I shouldn't wait for her she might not come back, I tried to change her mind but in the end we say our good byes and I leave her house absolutely heart broken.

 

I never thought I could be so heart broken and sad. That day I just balled my eyes out like a baby. My pathetic begging side got to me though and I called her and told her I was in so much pain, I couldn't take it and she said she "felt a little pain" too and maybe we could just have a short break and try again. This was during my exams and even though we were suppose to have a short break, I let myself become a dependent begger and would text her a few times throughout the week. I think she was only talking to me though because I was having a hard time during exams, since exams have ended she has almost completely stopped talking to me. I wanted to spend time with her a few days ago and she said she was not in the mood, and when I call her she only says "are you okay?", "how are you doing?".

 

This is how things are going right now, it feels like she has completely given up and moved on, she is only talking to me to make sure I am okay. I would call her and she would tell me she is going out to dinner with a guy... She tells me it could take her a long time and she might not (to get back together). I went to go see her and she just stood there, not saying anything and not even letting me give her a peck good night. I don't know what to do to save this relationship (if there even is one). Should I go see her more? Do more caring things? Completely ignore her hoping she comes back? All I think about is what should I do, what can I do, does she even care, is she going out with someone else... I asked her to dinner again and I plan on taking her to a nice place and just trying to have a fun time. I really want to confront her and lay down the hammer but I don't think thats in my best interest.. please help me out.

[todreaminblue]

I feel for you poster I know you are having a hard time of it....i almost dont want to touch this post because it is upsetting to read, but, i wanted to show support to you in the only way i know i can.......

 

 

I could tell you this is not going to work out for you but that is not what you asked for.You asked how to save the relationship.....the only way i can see if she agrees to get counselling with you,you might be able to save it.....she isnt in a relationship mind set evident by her breaking up and making up within days of each other

 

 

you really dont deserve her treatment of you you know ,and if you love her ,and believe whole heartedly you can work on this relationship and save it, suggest counselling...if she doesnt

 

 

she hasnt got enough investment in you to last the distance.......find someone who will love you poster like you deserve to be loved.....in retrospect your question was how to save the relationship....counselling may or may not help...i feel it may be your only option without you being dragged along gravel with your heart ripped out.....dont let her take control of you or your heart........and dont let yourself be dragged along allowing her to call the shots and begging he rto give you that shot back.....best of luck poster....hugs to ya.....deb

Edited December 20, 2012 by todreaminblue

[Axee]

The only way to save this relationship is to really break up and move on...

 

Maybe, given a year or two , things will be up again, BUT only if you really move on-not move on for name sake and keep thinking at the back of your mind that you want her...Really move on and God willing a fresh start awaits..

 

But as it is, this relationship is over and this is what is called a break up ..my friend....Accept its over.. Start accepting... No ifs and buts..

 

You had a boring stale year, irrelevant, you are committed to her but she isnt committed to this relationship.. Boring stale years occur in all long term committed relationships....

[swanconnery]

I am trying my best to relate, obviously situations are different. I have tried to stay in broken relationships before, in fact I am trying to do just that right now. Let me be the one to tell you that it doesn't work. It never will. Any sight of her, mention of her name, or being near her will remind you of everything that she has done and said. She is stringing you along in case she can not find someone else. Go move on, be happy. Maybe in time you guys can reconnnect.

[Samilia]

Hi, new here and been reading a lot of threads here tonight. I really would appreciate any help and advice about my situation. I want to save my relationship so please help me out!

 

My GF and I have been together for almost 3 years as of today and we have been dealing with issues for almost 2 months, with the last year or so becoming 'boring'.

 

I am almost 25, still in school and have never dated anyone else, so I am a bit naive about relationships. She has graduated and out of school for a few months now and has not been able to get an interview for a job yet. I wanted to marry her and have that "marrying my first love" dream, and logically in my brain I know she has flaws but I accept them and don't care and still want her back.

 

Short concise version of my story :

Our relationship has gone kind of stale and boring for the last year or so, and my GF brings up she is unhappy with this about 2 months ago. So of course I love her, so I try to resolve these problems but she goes on a weekend trip out of town a month ago and comes back with the intention of being absolutely alone and never wanting to talk to me again. Regrettably I've become dependent, pathetic, and begging her to save the relationship, and shes talking to me a little more but she is very distant and seems to only talk to me to make sure I'm okay. What can I do to fix this?

 

Sorry, this is the LONG version of my story:

It is near impossible for me to speak my mind and say things outloud as I always kept things to myself, so sorry for sharing every single detail with you lovely folks here on loveshack .

So we have been growing apart the last year or so in terms of how much communication, but to me the time we spent together still made me really happy. I thought she felt the same too, but in hindsight she showed little signs of displeasure that she bottled up and eventually exploded into the situation I am in today.

 

About two months ago she went to a party that I couldn't go to due to school work, and I as always gave her my blessing and wished her to have fun. After she came back from the party she ignored me for a few days and whenever I tried to spend time with her she would say shes not in the mood. Naturally I had bad thoughts such as she cheated on me but I tried my best to give her the benefit of the doubt. We talked after a week and she told me she was not happy in the relationship, it had nothing to do with another guy, we have become stale, she wanted me to take more leadership and have more fun.

 

I tried to do more with her but it became a very up and down month with her rejecting me one day, being happy with me another, becoming angry with how nothing changed despite me trying. She said some very negative things to me, such as she didn't want to just "settle" and despite how unfair and hurtful those words were I did not say anything I would regret. Also during all of this she would be in constant communication with another guy who is kind of our mutual friend, they would talk, text each other (in front of me), go out together, bring each other lunch at work.

 

Sigh I feel like crap typing this out, and I still want her back.. Anyways things were looking good, we were talking and putting in more effort but then about a month ago she had a planned trip out of town for a weekend. I told her to have fun and I'll talk to her when she came back, and it all went downhilll from there. She came back, and was absolutely cold towards me, sending one word text replies sometimes 6 hours after I asked her something, and this was during my final week of school (projects due, exams coming up) so I was stressed out. I confronted her one night and after some pushing her she finally told me she does not care anymore, she wants to be alone from everyone, she does not think about me anymore. What the hell, we were fine before her trip and then she comes back home with this mindset?

 

So I hit rock bottom, in complete depression and moping around. I was so hurt and didn't want to do anything. So after 2-3 days I decide I have to do something really big, after brainstorming and asking my really good friends I plan a surprise in her room with a gift, candle lights, pictures of us hanging in the room, rose petals, and words hanging from the ceiling saying "Will you go out with me?". Unfortunately the day I planned this surprise she had a party, but I didn't want to change the plans and set it up anyways. Once it was all set up I thought it looked gorgeous. She comes home drunk and after a bit completely breaks down in tears saying stuff like how shes been a bad girlfriend, shes done so many bad things to me, something happened on her trip, theres so many things she wants to fix about herself, then I break down and try to tell her I want to work through this together, and I love her and I miss her so much. I'm also dying on the inside hearing her say something happened on the trip, but she never told me what happened. However we decided to sleep and the next morning we had a talk and she insisted she wanted to be alone, wanted a "break", told me I should try dating other girls, I shouldn't wait for her she might not come back, I tried to change her mind but in the end we say our good byes and I leave her house absolutely heart broken.

 

I never thought I could be so heart broken and sad. That day I just balled my eyes out like a baby. My pathetic begging side got to me though and I called her and told her I was in so much pain, I couldn't take it and she said she "felt a little pain" too and maybe we could just have a short break and try again. This was during my exams and even though we were suppose to have a short break, I let myself become a dependent begger and would text her a few times throughout the week. I think she was only talking to me though because I was having a hard time during exams, since exams have ended she has almost completely stopped talking to me. I wanted to spend time with her a few days ago and she said she was not in the mood, and when I call her she only says "are you okay?", "how are you doing?".

 

This is how things are going right now, it feels like she has completely given up and moved on, she is only talking to me to make sure I am okay. I would call her and she would tell me she is going out to dinner with a guy... She tells me it could take her a long time and she might not (to get back together). I went to go see her and she just stood there, not saying anything and not even letting me give her a peck good night. I don't know what to do to save this relationship (if there even is one). Should I go see her more? Do more caring things? Completely ignore her hoping she comes back? All I think about is what should I do, what can I do, does she even care, is she going out with someone else... I asked her to dinner again and I plan on taking her to a nice place and just trying to have a fun time. I really want to confront her and lay down the hammer but I don't think thats in my best interest.. please help me out.

 

Personally I think the relationship is dead. But anyway, to try and save your relationship I'd do the opposite of what you've been doing. Stop begging her for a bit of affection, keep your distance, don't be clingy, busy yourself with your own interests. To put it bluntly, man up.

 

I mean being nice is a quality but enough is enough, don't you think so?

[Chuck636333]

I know how you feel I'm in the same situation as we speak, 5 years with the past 1 1/2 being on and off and I'm 24, in the past I've begged and pleaded which eventually would work to get her back...but...I put the ball in her court and it never lasted more than a month or two and we were right back to here, this situation.so she left again and for the first time I'm trying no contact, it's been 2 weeks and I haven't heard from her yet, the way I figure it, it's a hit or miss situation, either she calls and misses me and the ball goes back to me and shows her I'm not desperate for her (what I want), or she moves on in which case I guess it wasn't meant to be. Take it from my expierience, even if you beg them back it never lasts and you're miserable wondering if they even care the same way you do...if she comes back you'll know for sure because she put the effort forth not you forcing the situation...you'll eventually get tired of not being loved after giving so much love, that's where I am

[eduardo23]

We had a final date and it went relatively well considering the situation. She said she wanted to talk after and she broke up with me. Thanks to all the replies and helpful advice here I was ready for it and just said my final good byes and left. I think it was too late for me to salvage the relationship as she completely checked out, and I was just stressing out about a 1 sided relationship.

 

I still think about her but I think I accept this is the only way. I haven't completely moved on as I don't think there's anyway I could see someone else right now but just going to focus on improving areas of my life that I can control.

[calgary]

this is really sad! i'm so sorry !

 

the way I see this is that she loves you so much still, but feels unworthy and guilty and she probably has that sad feeling in her gut everytime she see's you that she's been bad to you. it probably makes her feel like a really bad person to be around you, because you're a nice guy and she messed up!