3 Months Since Breakup, 2 Months NC - Seeing Each Other All The Time, Closure?

[UJK90]

I was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years, she was the one who always initiated the ideas of marriage and made me really fall for her. Even a month before the breakup we had went on holiday and I'd treated her to a few gifts. Well, one day randomly after a stupid argument like it appears many people do she left me for someone else, a friend.

 

Really, really tore me up as I literally revolved my everything around the girl, would have did anything for her and never did a thing without considering her first. Spent every day, basically apart from say 4-5 weeks at most in the past 3 years together. Maybe it was the intensity that killed it but the relationship is now over so not really the point and I've stopped speculating. I was extremely paranoid about the situation and could see her falling for him in front of me. But she continued to feed me lies that I was the only one even texting me a day or two before to tell me how 'in love she was with me'. The relief of knowing that I wasn't paranoid and was in fact correct is such a relief but a real blow to my confidence and has greatly affected my trust. Especially with any girls i've ****ed etc since. I honestly feel like it will be a long time before I have a want for any form of relationship beyond sex/friendship with a girl after it all.

 

Anyway, it's been over 3 months since the breakup now and two months contact. In the beginning she completely shut me out, in fact since the day we broke up I haven't had a direct conversation with her. She still hasn't told me anything herself. Instead while I begged and tried to get some form of conversation I was told to **** off, etc, etc and just ignored. Eventually a few days later I caught onto myself and just went into no contact and stopped everything.

 

While it would be easy enough to continue this no contact, the issue is we both have the exact same circle of friends. Every weekend we encounter each other and I am having to deal with her and her new boyfriend. She also seems to really enjoy dancing with other guys and him and general things that while I can't be 100% sure just appears as if she is trying to get at me or annoy me. Which I think is beyond ridiculous and harsh considering the paranoia and the stress in my head caused by seeing her move to someone else was bad enough, but I understand it's common.

 

Anyway, it's creating an awkward tension for everyone as soon as we are in the same room. Also there have been times when fights have broke out, shes attacked me and the like after me making comments. But the reason for this is just my complete lack of answer or closure.

 

My question is should I just step up ask for a conversation and close this once and for all? Right now my no contact is going well, slowly starting to get used to being single and just getting to know myself better. Feeling a lot more positive in ways but this is seriously getting me down. To be honest with the way she has treated me and how I have suddenly went from soul mate to worst enemy when I've done nothing wrong makes me wonder if it would even help. But 3 months on I just really want to move on, has anyone experience? I'm completely willing to do either or, just want this moving on process to be easier. I still have a lot of anger for the person that acted like my friend for months and did this and this needs to subside too because it's just going to continue and build. This is why I don't understand why she wont provide some form of closure? So many issues could be resolved and instead the tension keeps building.

 

To be honest it's just a bit **** that I spent so much time and shared so much with this person over the past three years that I now have to look at it as a waste of my time rather than good memories. I just can't see the time as not wasted after the outcome of it all and how she has treated me.

 

TL;DR Worth keeping up no contact 3 months later if we run into each other every weekend and it's causing tension/issues. She refused to speak to me for first month and no contact from me since, not expecting her to reach out ever.

Edited December 17, 2012 by UJK90

[Chi townD]

Dude, you're not in no contact mode. No contact means NO CONTACT AT ALL!! Completely dark. No contact doesn't include hanging out with her in a group of friends. No contact doesn't include her attacking you and trying to scatch your eyes out for a comment you made.

 

No contact mean not seeing, talking, text, emailing or phoning her. No contact means not responding to her texts, emails, phonecalls and all social media.

 

So, you've only been broke up for 3 months.

[Mike_d]

No contact mean not seeing, talking, text, emailing or phoning her. Period. In any fashion. No Communication in any form, sent or received.

 

fixed that for ya

[UJK90]

Dude, you're not in no contact mode. No contact means NO CONTACT AT ALL!! Completely dark. No contact doesn't include hanging out with her in a group of friends. No contact doesn't include her attacking you and trying to scatch your eyes out for a comment you made.

 

No contact mean not seeing, talking, text, emailing or phoning her. No contact means not responding to her texts, emails, phonecalls and all social media.

 

So, you've only been broke up for 3 months.

 

Well it's as close as it can possibly get to no contact. I don't have her number, her social network profiles, nothing. But if we run into each other at a night out on the weekend it's completely unavoidable?

 

I think you've missed my point. It's this shallow 'no contact' that is the issue and I'm wondering if since it's unavoidable and nothing could be done should I step up and try and have things resolved or just leave it the way things are were every weeks something new happens because the tensions just keep building between people.

[Mike_d]

W But if we run into each other at a night out on the weekend it's completely unavoidable?

 

garbage. if you *really* wanted to avoid her you could.

 

put you and me in a room together in a social scene and I'd be able to have zero contact with you. Because I was actively trying to avoid you.

 

You can justify anything you want under the guise of "ooooh, its sooooo haaaard", but that is crap

[Chi townD]

Then, you need to change your habits. You need to find other things to occupy your time. You need to be like a recovering alcoholic that just got sober. If your friends want to go to the bar. Then, you respectfully decline until you can get to a point in your recovery where you can feel safe to be in a bar and not have or want a drink. That you can be strong enough to handle the temptation.

 

Three months is really no time to mourn and heal from the loss of the relationship. Three months is really no time to say you are completely over your Ex and when you see her all you see and feel is indifferent about her.

 

So, I think you need to distance yourself from those situations.

[willjo]

It is clear that she wants nothing more to do with this relationship. I think the best thing for you will be to move on, even though it is difficult, trying to find out what went wrong or to be obsessed over this relationship, will only mean that you will waste even more time that could be spent with someone that will appreciate you and with whom you can enjoy your time with. I also think you should avoid contact where possible, and try to meet other people and do other things that can occupy your mind.

[Samilia]

I was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years, she was the one who always initiated the ideas of marriage and made me really fall for her. Even a month before the breakup we had went on holiday and I'd treated her to a few gifts. Well, one day randomly after a stupid argument like it appears many people do she left me for someone else, a friend.

 

Really, really tore me up as I literally revolved my everything around the girl, would have did anything for her and never did a thing without considering her first. Spent every day, basically apart from say 4-5 weeks at most in the past 3 years together. Maybe it was the intensity that killed it but the relationship is now over so not really the point and I've stopped speculating. I was extremely paranoid about the situation and could see her falling for him in front of me. But she continued to feed me lies that I was the only one even texting me a day or two before to tell me how 'in love she was with me'. The relief of knowing that I wasn't paranoid and was in fact correct is such a relief but a real blow to my confidence and has greatly affected my trust. Especially with any girls i've ****ed etc since. I honestly feel like it will be a long time before I have a want for any form of relationship beyond sex/friendship with a girl after it all.

 

Anyway, it's been over 3 months since the breakup now and two months contact. In the beginning she completely shut me out, in fact since the day we broke up I haven't had a direct conversation with her. She still hasn't told me anything herself. Instead while I begged and tried to get some form of conversation I was told to **** off, etc, etc and just ignored. Eventually a few days later I caught onto myself and just went into no contact and stopped everything.

 

While it would be easy enough to continue this no contact, the issue is we both have the exact same circle of friends. Every weekend we encounter each other and I am having to deal with her and her new boyfriend. She also seems to really enjoy dancing with other guys and him and general things that while I can't be 100% sure just appears as if she is trying to get at me or annoy me. Which I think is beyond ridiculous and harsh considering the paranoia and the stress in my head caused by seeing her move to someone else was bad enough, but I understand it's common.

 

Anyway, it's creating an awkward tension for everyone as soon as we are in the same room. Also there have been times when fights have broke out, shes attacked me and the like after me making comments. But the reason for this is just my complete lack of answer or closure.

 

My question is should I just step up ask for a conversation and close this once and for all? Right now my no contact is going well, slowly starting to get used to being single and just getting to know myself better. Feeling a lot more positive in ways but this is seriously getting me down. To be honest with the way she has treated me and how I have suddenly went from soul mate to worst enemy when I've done nothing wrong makes me wonder if it would even help. But 3 months on I just really want to move on, has anyone experience? I'm completely willing to do either or, just want this moving on process to be easier. I still have a lot of anger for the person that acted like my friend for months and did this and this needs to subside too because it's just going to continue and build. This is why I don't understand why she wont provide some form of closure? So many issues could be resolved and instead the tension keeps building.

 

To be honest it's just a bit **** that I spent so much time and shared so much with this person over the past three years that I now have to look at it as a waste of my time rather than good memories. I just can't see the time as not wasted after the outcome of it all and how she has treated me.

 

TL;DR Worth keeping up no contact 3 months later if we run into each other every weekend and it's causing tension/issues. She refused to speak to me for first month and no contact from me since, not expecting her to reach out ever.

 

Sorry about the break up. I don't get why you stay in this group of friends, hanging out with your ex gf and your ex friend. That might be why she gets annoyed. I personally would get annoyed too if the ex kept showing up.

 

The way you've been handling the situation, you won't get closure that way. Not to say that what she did was right, but you need to find a new circle of friends, a circle of friends she isn't part of. Till then, you're clearly not in NC.

Edited December 18, 2012 by Samilia

[UJK90]

Just to clear up it isn't hanging around together. More so, if I'm going out to a night or party it's likely I'll run into her. I've already had to cut ties with certain people who were and were becoming good friends as a result of this, as I know it needed to be done to get on with things - and it worked.

 

It's not me following around or anything and personally after how **** I've had it all from her in the first place I see no reason to let her get the better and have me sit inside all weekend too when she is the one who messed me over. Also I've no intentions of ever returning to this girl, she messed up and it's weird how quickly you can loose attraction to a person after they've ruined their reputation like she has. It was just to sort've ease the atmosphere at places, but it's something I can deal with.

 

Thanks for advice all, not going to go for any closure and just ride it out.

[movingon12]

What closure are you looking for? She would rather date your friend than date you. That's it. That's all you need to know. She looked at you, looked at him and chose him. I suppose if you're a real masochist you could ask her to tell you all the things that he does better than you, but really, is that helpful? Will it make you feel good? Nope...