Missing my EX a lot today

[Samms22]

Hey guys,

 

The last 3 weeks have been a roller coaster ride and today is difficult. I went out on a date yesterday with a lovely young lady but... she wasn't my ex. I found myself feeling depressed because, while I didn't think of her DURING the date, certain things about the girl reminded me of my ex-girlfriend.

 

It's been 4 weeks since the break-up and some days I've felt like "meh who needs her" and some days I've felt like I miss her more than anything. Today is one of those days. Although NC has been working, I saw her 2 days ago to get my house key back and wrap up a few other loose ends. Am I back to missing her because I broke NC by seeing her?

 

When we met two days ago, she looked unhappy. We went over the aspects of our relationship again and took a little walk. She cheated on me and lied about it and is now in a honeymoon phase with a far inferior guy, but I forgave her for all of this. We mended the harsh words that were said at the break-up. I asked her, legitimately, "Are you happy?" she said "Only when I'm not thinking about you because when I do I realize what I've lost."

 

I still miss her. This post is about getting strength from you guys. I did want to ask something though, to people who might know: Can someone be in a relationship with another person (her case, another guy that she likes) and still regret/rue a break up and/or love their ex? Or was she just BSING me?

Edited December 1, 2012 by Samms22

[tatbubba]

Probably she does still care about you, that would depend on how long you were together. But she probably has an attraction for this other guy and she has to try it out. Some people are very impulsive. I know if I felt I had a strong attraction to someone, even if I was in a relationship I would be tempted to act on it. I think anyway it would be best that you don't see her, sounds like she is missing you, maybe she'll come around. But do you want to wait for her?

[Samms22]

Probably she does still care about you, that would depend on how long you were together. But she probably has an attraction for this other guy and she has to try it out. Some people are very impulsive. I know if I felt I had a strong attraction to someone, even if I was in a relationship I would be tempted to act on it. I think anyway it would be best that you don't see her, sounds like she is missing you, maybe she'll come around. But do you want to wait for her?

 

Thanks for the response. No, I don't think so. I want to improve myself and move on. I just miss her presence sometimes but it's getting better. Even if she came back after this guy inevitably breaks her heart, I wouldn't take her back.

 

You know that feeling of wanting someone because they don't want you? It's become an ego thing, I guess, and my options are limited because even though I'm a decent looking guy, I dismantled my whole social life to be with her. We were together for 9 months, fyi.

[imstatic]

To me, the key word is "cheated".

 

Do you really want her back after she cheated on you? What happened once can happen again. If you take her back, you're only stating you can put up with her being unfaithful.

[tatbubba]

You sound just like me! I was with a guy for 9 months, but it was never official official because of various situations. Now he's with another girl and from what I've seen they're very into each other. You're lucky, at least she gave you a chance to talk face to face, I got ditched gracelessly over the phone. And thanks to him I have fallen out with a lot of my friends, A. because they said I neglected them while I was with him, and B. because they are friends with him too, have met his new girl etc and the whole thing is just too much for me to handle. I'm a pretty girl but I don't meet a lot of people I like and I'm reserved if I don't know people well. But at the moment I'm enjoying my own company and having more time for me.

[Samms22]

To me, the key word is "cheated".

 

Do you really want her back after she cheated on you? What happened once can happen again. If you take her back, you're only stating you can put up with her being unfaithful.

 

It's true -- and I don't think I want her back. I miss what I thought she was. It just hurts some days. And cheated on another guy before me, but I chalked it up to immaturity and she had a good excuse. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend but I think I treated her right. She came up with the classic excuses: "When I turned 20 I realized I wanted to party... I found the man I want to marry 5 years too soon..." etc.

 

The question that I want answered, if possible, is: Will I receive a phone call in 2, 5 , 8 months from now after she realizes what she has done asking for reconciliation?

[Samms22]

You sound just like me! I was with a guy for 9 months, but it was never official official because of various situations. Now he's with another girl and from what I've seen they're very into each other. You're lucky, at least she gave you a chance to talk face to face, I got ditched gracelessly over the phone. And thanks to him I have fallen out with a lot of my friends, A. because they said I neglected them while I was with him, and B. because they are friends with him too, have met his new girl etc and the whole thing is just too much for me to handle. I'm a pretty girl but I don't meet a lot of people I like and I'm reserved if I don't know people well. But at the moment I'm enjoying my own company and having more time for me.

 

Yeah, this is pretty much spot on. My ex internalized everything and sprung all of our problems on me at the last minute after I found out she was cheating. I handled the break-up very badly but we've since mended fences and ways. She was the type of girl who was very, very obsessed and infatuated with me and I stuck around because I liked the attention and figured she'd settle down... but once the honeymoon phase ended in her world, despite all of the times she said "I want to be with you forever" and "why are you with me you're so attractive" blah blah she ended up leaving me for a really ugly, loser guy.

 

And yes, I stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends and lost most of them. I'm trying to rebuild and meet new people, but I didn't have a slew of woman to go and get with mostly because I cut off ties with all of them because I was trying to be respectful to my girlfriend. So, now I'm left at basically square one. Luckily I have tons of friends in foreign countries so I guess I can go visit them, right?

 

Sadly, when I found out she was cheating we had just moved into a beautiful apartment and I basically said "eff it" and moved out back into my parents house. So now she's stuck with a loser guy and 1,000 dollars rent when she makes 1500~ a month. It's almost funny if it wasn't so tragic.

[LostOne1]

I know the feeling.. 3 yrs here for me with my ex. Gave up all my friends, time, and other stuff. Kinda feels like it all went in vain.

 

As for taking her back I'm glad you wouldn't. I don't think a person should be allowed to leave you on an impulse and then expect they can come back. If they leave us and make us suffer for awhile, then they should suffer later on if they regret the decision. At the end of the day THEY made the decision and that's the downside of breaking up with someone. That you can realize you made a mistake, but can't go back and change it now.

[na49]

I know how it feels. I hate when I have those days where I am really missing my ex. (The way she used to be). It is usually when I am feeling lonely that I feel this. I also know how you feel about giving up friends for her. I did the same thing, none of that was her fault and all of it was my own. It is just frustrating to think that I did so much to try to keep her around and it still wasn't enough. I'm having a hard time getting myself to block her number because I don't want to let her go even though she's already let me go.

[LostOne1]

Yeah, this is pretty much spot on. My ex internalized everything and sprung all of our problems on me at the last minute after I found out she was cheating. I handled the break-up very badly but we've since mended fences and ways. She was the type of girl who was very, very obsessed and infatuated with me and I stuck around because I liked the attention and figured she'd settle down... but once the honeymoon phase ended in her world, despite all of the times she said "I want to be with you forever" and "why are you with me you're so attractive" blah blah she ended up leaving me for a really ugly, loser guy.

 

And yes, I stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends and lost most of them. I'm trying to rebuild and meet new people, but I didn't have a slew of woman to go and get with mostly because I cut off ties with all of them because I was trying to be respectful to my girlfriend. So, now I'm left at basically square one. Luckily I have tons of friends in foreign countries so I guess I can go visit them, right?

 

Sadly, when I found out she was cheating we had just moved into a beautiful apartment and I basically said "eff it" and moved out back into my parents house. So now she's stuck with a loser guy and 1,000 dollars rent when she makes 1500~ a month. It's almost funny if it wasn't so tragic.

You know that sounds scary because it sounds like my ex. We had 3 yrs and our honeymoon phase went away. We even said we act like some old couple already and were in year 2.5.... partly my mistake though NOT trying to spice things up. I do partly take the blame, because I was always a creative guy and could've come up with something cool to do.

 

But she did the same as your ex.. after she BU she would always PIN the blame on me for everything, it was as if I was this evil person. Made me think how she loved me, if I'm such a bad person. I guess it's so she can justify being in another relationship right after BU with me. It makes her feel less guilty doing it and enforces why it;s okay to BU with someone just to be with someone else.

 

I've never know fully if she did cheat on me, but many signs point to it. I just haven't had ANY valid proof to say for sure besides the way she acted.

 

And like you I took the BU VERY badly... to a point where I can't see us talking ever again. Which is why I kinda wish I could go back and just not talk to her after she BU and let it be.

 

But at the end of the day.. it is what it is.. I DO believe I could've prevented my ex from being with someone else. I basically stopped paying enough attention and someone else gave it to her... and well I guess that won her over.

 

Which is what makes me feel better about the BU, because if a girl can leave me over attention.. then how is she worth it?

[Samms22]

You know that sounds scary because it sounds like my ex. We had 3 yrs and our honeymoon phase went away. We even said we act like some old couple already and were in year 2.5.... partly my mistake though NOT trying to spice things up. I do partly take the blame, because I was always a creative guy and could've come up with something cool to do.

 

But she did the same as your ex.. after she BU she would always PIN the blame on me for everything, it was as if I was this evil person. Made me think how she loved me, if I'm such a bad person. I guess it's so she can justify being in another relationship right after BU with me. It makes her feel less guilty doing it and enforces why it;s okay to BU with someone just to be with someone else.

 

I've never know fully if she did cheat on me, but many signs point to it. I just haven't had ANY valid proof to say for sure besides the way she acted.

 

And like you I took the BU VERY badly... to a point where I can't see us talking ever again. Which is why I kinda wish I could go back and just not talk to her after she BU and let it be.

 

But at the end of the day.. it is what it is.. I DO believe I could've prevented my ex from being with someone else. I basically stopped paying enough attention and someone else gave it to her... and well I guess that won her over.

 

Which is what makes me feel better about the BU, because if a girl can leave me over attention.. then how is she worth it?

 

It's very true. LostOne, check out this thread. Navy's responses were fkin amazing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/359680-does-infatuation-ever-last

 

He is dead on. There is a pathology that some woman take where instead of discussing the problems of the relationship, another guy gives them the slightest bit of attention and they jump on it and either cheat or move on. It's interesting. And we have the same exact experience... we were an old-couple and I could have spiced things up a bit, but didn't. She never told me anything was wrong though and kept telling me things were "perfect."

[na49]

It's very true. LostOne, check out this thread. Navy's responses were fkin amazing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/359680-does-infatuation-ever-last

 

He is dead on. There is a pathology that some woman take where instead of discussing the problems of the relationship, another guy gives them the slightest bit of attention and they jump on it and either cheat or move on. It's interesting. And we have the same exact experience... we were an old-couple and I could have spiced things up a bit, but didn't. She never told me anything was wrong though and kept telling me things were "perfect."

 

I had the exact same thing happen with my ex. I guess it's more normal then we think.

[Samms22]

It could be normal. What was your story? What did he/she do?

[newmoon]

imo when we break up it's actually the relationship stuff we miss and cry over and agonize over and not really the person. because, honestly, any other person who is compatible with us can bring back those feelings of happiness, optimism, joy, etc. that an ex helped create. focus on moving on... the break in NC ruined it a bit, so get back on track :-)

[Mer91]

If she was really in love, any attraction to the other person would be overpowered by her love for you.

 

Noone wants to be the standby guy.

[LostOne1]

It's very true. LostOne, check out this thread. Navy's responses were fkin amazing: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/359680-does-infatuation-ever-last

 

He is dead on. There is a pathology that some woman take where instead of discussing the problems of the relationship, another guy gives them the slightest bit of attention and they jump on it and either cheat or move on. It's interesting. And we have the same exact experience... we were an old-couple and I could have spiced things up a bit, but didn't. She never told me anything was wrong though and kept telling me things were "perfect."

well I guess the only difference between us is that my ex didn't say it was perfect. She did many times complain about certain things, which I tried to fix up as much as I could.

 

All she told me was after the BU, that over and over I always pushed her away some how. Makes me feel like she wanted to say I pushed her away to someone else and that it's all my fault.

 

But like I said.. so far I have no proof that she cheated. All I have is stories going back and forth from her saying she did to saying she didn't. But no valid proof ever to say she did for sure.

 

But I think it's true. My ex I guess was a bit needy and finally for once another guy did things for her, and gave her lots of attention and she slowly fell for it I think over time. The problem is that she was 4 hrs away in another city for 2 months. So I couldn't do anything really and I didn't even have the damn address or I;'d have made a trip to surprise her. So I guess in my absense she found a replacement.

 

To be honest I don't know how I;d have taken her back when she got back in town and if she had wanted to get back. Because I really would have no way of knowing if anything happened.

 

My guess is that a BU allowed her to officially see the other guy without feeling guilty. And since they lived in the same house.. well they had daily interactions, ate dinner together etc.. And there is nothing I could really do.

 

Well there was one thing.. she did say I shouldn't have stopped talking to her on MSN via webcam. Because when I stopped for a week, I think it gave her free time and since she got this new guys attention she liked it.

 

Funny how she met him 1st and hated him and now they seem close.

[LostOne1]

If she was really in love, any attraction to the other person would be overpowered by her love for you.

 

Noone wants to be the standby guy.

that's the thing... my ex did show signs later that she loved me, but was too hurt to show it or accept me back. Basically saying I have no idea what I put her through.. which makes no sense unless things happened on her trip, which she didn't tell me about, and I didn't ask.

 

But that's why I dislike her a lot, because I TRUSTED her on this trip. I know if she loves me and she did.. that I wouldn't have to worry about the guy. But after the BU I panicked bad and wish I didn't.

[Samms22]

I agree LostOne. I think our break-up and small "fights" just provided an excuse for my ex to get her jollies with the new guy. She was planning on breaking it off and just cheated, like a coward, instead of telling me.

 

I have you beat. I freaked out SO much that I had lost the one person who gave me the most "affection" (although now I know it was fake) that I basically begged, pleaded, and went to her parents house at 3AM looking for her after she stood me up even AFTER I caught her cheating with the guy. She'd done the same things to me (called me 100 times, looked for me) that I felt I could do it to her.

 

On the plus side, everything in life is a learning experience. I went NC with her and it's been good. I wish I had just cut all ties with her in the beginning when she said she wanted "space" etc. It would have been better, BUT on the other hand I got incontrovertible proof that she was cheating on me (looked in her phone, SAW HER with the guy) and I got a real look into her psyche and soul.

 

I got CLOSURE that I wouldn't have gotten if I was "sane" or "normal" after the break-up. The best thing I can say for this is next time when I see the same signs I'll be able to walk away knowing what the girl is doing and saying instead of wondering.

 

In your case it might be harder since you don't have "proof"... but you know. Trust your gut. Intuition is POWERFUL. I didn't trust mine.

[LostOne1]

I agree LostOne. I think our break-up and small "fights" just provided an excuse for my ex to get her jollies with the new guy. She was planning on breaking it off and just cheated, like a coward, instead of telling me.

 

I have you beat. I freaked out SO much that I had lost the one person who gave me the most "affection" (although now I know it was fake) that I basically begged, pleaded, and went to her parents house at 3AM looking for her after she stood me up even AFTER I caught her cheating with the guy. She'd done the same things to me (called me 100 times, looked for me) that I felt I could do it to her.

 

On the plus side, everything in life is a learning experience. I went NC with her and it's been good. I wish I had just cut all ties with her in the beginning when she said she wanted "space" etc. It would have been better, BUT on the other hand I got incontrovertible proof that she was cheating on me (looked in her phone, SAW HER with the guy) and I got a real look into her psyche and soul.

 

I got CLOSURE that I wouldn't have gotten if I was "sane" or "normal" after the break-up. The best thing I can say for this is next time when I see the same signs I'll be able to walk away knowing what the girl is doing and saying instead of wondering.

 

In your case it might be harder since you don't have "proof"... but you know. Trust your gut. Intuition is POWERFUL. I didn't trust mine.

oh no man I freaked out badly too. except I was screwed man.. she was 4 hours away in another city. I can't do jack **** to see her in person and talk. I have no address so I can't even go see her myself.

 

I called literally everyday and at one point i texted so much she called and bitched me out on the phone. Then the next day apologized. Then she gets back and I bug her to meet up since she promised me she would when she got back. Well she didn't all she ever said was that "I'm not yours anymore". No idea what that means.. my guess was that it measn im not yours, but someone else's now. But some girl online told me it could also mean that your not part of her life and have no business to ask her to meet up.

 

From then on I sent a card, I made a video.. I was going to visit her house, but I didn't want to scare her parents. I then finally ended it when I left all the cards and anniversary gifts she gave me. Her parents ended up opening the package instead of her and I guess her dad doesn't fully know about me, he met me as a friend once. So I guess he might have given her a bitching either on cheating or just dating. I'm not sure..

 

In some ways if she's cheating well now she will look worse in front of her parents. Because she goes from one guy shes been with for 3 yrs to another within a month or less. So I did feel bad her parents must have been hurt, but now I don't feel bad. I kinda think she got what she deserved.

 

Honestly I would be surprised if she did cheat on me. I mean the other guy is NOT the type of guy she would ever date. I mean he works at KFC, he's immigrated here recently, he has a criminal record already, some old lady stalks the guy too.

 

So if she wants to get involved with him.. good luck. I think she is in for more troubles. The guy is so stupid he doesn't know the difference between sushi and a bubble tea drink LOL....

 

So if it does come down to her cheating on me.. its sad. Least she could do is date someone I can look at and say yes.. this guy has many things I don't... He was just smart. he knew my ex was having fights with me.. he knew she was vulnerable and he knew he could sleep with her easily. So he charmed her by cooking dinner every night, and driving her out all the time. Probably entering her room and always checking up on her and to allow her to let him in anytime.

 

I gotta give it to the guy though... he played it well. My loss is that I was at the wrong place and the wrong time.. or maybe he was at the right place and the right time. I had NO control,. because I was so far away from her. That's why I partly chalk it up to life and fate.. that I was meant to lose her. I had no way of winning. Maybe if I had kept better contact.. then maybe,. because then when she would get home she would webcam me and I;d get to spend the night with her.... which would mean she can't spend it with him.

 

Well.. that's how it is I guess....