Javabear Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Two months ago my boyfriend left me out of the blue after three years because he developed feelings for someone else. He's 21 and I'm 22. I was his first girlfriend and although I had dated a few guys during high school, he was my first serious relationship. We did everything together... met each other's families, went on numerous vacations...We talked all the time about getting married someday but then suddenly he seemed to doubt our relationship. When he broke up with me he gave me so many mixed signals like, "I know that I need to be with you, but I don't know how to want you right now" and "I like this other girl but I don't want to because I love you and I want to be with you." Although I'm a little bit skeptical about giving this a label, it does seem to fit with the "Grass is Greener Syndrome." We had a horrible breakup that lasted a good month because I refused to believe it was actually happening. Eventually I just gave up trying to fight for our relationship because he was clearly unwilling to fight for it too. We haven't spoken in three weeks. I know that I deserve someone better. My ex didn't always appreciate the great lengths I went to to make him happy. I consistently went out of my way for him and it was only towards the end of the three years we were together that he started really reciprocating. I don't mean to give the impression that he was unappreciative throughout our whole relationship... it's just that I always seemed to do more for him than he did for me. I don't want to put him on a pedestal because I know that someone who truly loved me would not have left me, but I really do think that we belong together. All of his friends think he's a fool for leaving me and everyone was just as shocked as I was when it happened. I wish I could understand why he left. I think he's young and dumb and part of the reason for the breakup was because he is afraid of growing up (we're graduating this year and had plans to move to a new city together). I miss him. Everyday. Well... I miss who he was when he was the sweet, kind boy I fell in love with. I keep having dreams that he has come back to me. I'm being strong and I know not to initiate any contact... it's just so painful. How unfortunate it is that the heart has such a hard time letting go. Link to post Share on other sites
Sav Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 90% of the time I think it's the ego at work. The ego hates it when someone dumps you. But then again 3 years is no short amount of time. Try not to focus on him but focus on the relationship as a whole. See what you have to improve on. At the very least, take something with you, so the 3 years would not be a waste of time. You might not forget him but you will find someone else that loves you and that you love. You're still young and I'm sure loads of potential bfs/husbands are out there waiting to be picked Link to post Share on other sites
LoveHurts88 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 I think its because we genuinely loved them. Not saying they dont love u back but maybe the feelings gone. Also rejection who likes the feeling of getting rejected? No one, sometimes you may not even like the person but u want them back because u feel rejected. Thats what i thought at first but as time went by i knew i loved her Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 You might want to read Ivan Pavlov's work on conditioned reflex and reflex system work in general. IMO, the capacity we assign to others to hurt us is directly related to reflex training. I've noted this markedly in past unhealthy relationships with women, markedly during the emotional tampon era. Fortunately, I also studied psychology in college and over time came to see my own foibles and propensities in such matters. My solution was to care less. It might not be healthy for another individual but has worked markedly well for myself. 'Care less' is along a range of care, down from unhealthily caring 'too much' for individual psychological health, to being completely detached emotionally. I see the evidence of this range in daily interactions with other people and, over time, formed the conclusion that, indeed, caring too much was fundamental in the overt hurt felt during periods of abandonment or conflict. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
LostOne1 Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 You might want to read Ivan Pavlov's work on conditioned reflex and reflex system work in general. IMO, the capacity we assign to others to hurt us is directly related to reflex training. I've noted this markedly in past unhealthy relationships with women, markedly during the emotional tampon era. Fortunately, I also studied psychology in college and over time came to see my own foibles and propensities in such matters. My solution was to care less. It might not be healthy for another individual but has worked markedly well for myself. 'Care less' is along a range of care, down from unhealthily caring 'too much' for individual psychological health, to being completely detached emotionally. I see the evidence of this range in daily interactions with other people and, over time, formed the conclusion that, indeed, caring too much was fundamental in the overt hurt felt during periods of abandonment or conflict. Good luck. ahh you wan't to dumb that down? So my way of seeing it is that we are hurt more depending on the amount of care we put into a person? Meaning we if go to great lengths all the time to do something for them, then it hurts much more when we lose them? Which seems odd, because my ex went towards more great lengths than me and she was the one that left. I still believe she loved me inside, but was to hurt to say it. I mean everything she has done with me for the most part was NEVER done with anyone else. She's never introduced a guy to her family before. She only did it with me, because for once she was 100% sure I was the guy she wanted. Then 3 yrs and she changes her mind most likely, because of her trip away and our communication being cut off for a week or 2. I guess based off what you are saying.. that I would assume if she put more care into me. Then shouldn't it be harder for that person to let go? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 We miss the people that hurt us the most because we dared to love them so much that they were given that great place in our hearts where they were able to hurt us. It's good that you have a huge propensity to love so deeply. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOne1 Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 We miss the people that hurt us the most because we dared to love them so much that they were given that great place in our hearts where they were able to hurt us. It's good that you have a huge propensity to love so deeply. well said I was about to say the same. It's because we let them get so close to us.. and that when we lose them it hurts. Why? because we let them get close.... Think about other people or things we don't value as much. It doesn't hurt as much to lose those things. But losing something that's so near you and always on your mind and always something you spend time with... well it hurts to lose it. We let people in and when they want out or they find a way out.. well it hurts to know we let them in and now they just leave just so easily like that.... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 well said I was about to say the same. It's because we let them get so close to us.. and that when we lose them it hurts. Why? because we let them get close.... Think about other people or things we don't value as much. It doesn't hurt as much to lose those things. But losing something that's so near you and always on your mind and always something you spend time with... well it hurts to lose it. We let people in and when they want out or they find a way out.. well it hurts to know we let them in and now they just leave just so easily like that.... They may leave easily but true love never dies. If there's that deep love then you have a special place in your heart for that person. And them for you. Forever. Link to post Share on other sites
boblet Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 We miss the people that hurt us the most because we dared to love them so much that they were given that great place in our hearts where they were able to hurt us. It's good that you have a huge propensity to love so deeply. That's an interesting stance to take. Sometimes I can't help but wonder though, what is the advantage of loving someone so deeply if they end up not valuing it or reciprocating it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Javabear Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 I just think it's unfortunate that deep love is not always returned and those of us who love unconditionally end up suffering for it when the relationship ends. I'd like to believe that my boyfriend is still as broken up about the end of our relationship as I am, but as he so selfishly told me, it was easier for him to move on because he was not as invested. Now, whether or not that's actually the truth, who knows... but I have a feeling that he's not the one losing sleep and losing weight and missing me. I don't think this should prevent us from loving with everything we have, though. Yes, it can lead to the most unbearable pain the world, but it can also lead to the most unbelievable joy. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 They can only have hurt us if we have bonded with them and we miss them because, well, of the same thing. The more significant we believe that person to be to us, the more we believe them to be necessary in our lives, and the more it hurts when they offend us or are absent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Sometimes I can't help but wonder though, what is the advantage of loving someone so deeply if they end up not valuing it or reciprocating it? Love changes over time. Sometimes it grows deeper still and other times it changes from passionate love to a more mild type of caring. The advantage of daring to love deeply is that sometimes it is reciprocated. And you will miss that if you don't ever dare to go there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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