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Has anyone dated someone who contributed nothing to the relationship?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 1st November 2012, 12:15 AM   #1
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Has anyone dated someone who contributed nothing to the relationship?

I still have some anger towards my ex. He claimed that he loved me, yet completely ignored me whenever I tried to talk to him about things that bothered me. Then when I became depressed about him not listening he would suddenly get worried and want to know what's wrong even though I just explained very bluntly and frankly to his face while looking him in the eye why I am unhappy. In other words, he's dense.

One major issue we had was that he brought nothing to the table. I didn't really notice this until we moved in together. Before that he was able to make me laugh and was a great listener (when it came to other things). But he had no life skills. He didn't help with the cleaning even though we agreed ahead of time that we would split them. That would have been okay if he had done something else to make up for it, like done a bunch of handywork, or fixed the computers, or paid for the groceries each week, or something. But no. He does not understand computers. He was always asking me to help him with his. He doesn't know how to do any handywork; he couldnt' even hang something on the wall unless I showed him how, which resulted in an argument usually. I guess he felt emasculated but it's not my fault. If he wants to learn how so badly he could have asked one of his friends but not once did he ask any of his male friends to teach him something useful. He made more money than me at one point, yet would still borrow it from me because he can't handle it. He would rather spend it all on more hats when he owned like 40 already (not exaggerating: we counted them) than be able to pay for necessities or even to save up for trips that we were trying to go on together. He had more time than me (I was going to school while working) yet he rarely cooked dinner or did much of anything EVEN THOUGH we had agreed ahead of time that I would be very busy with school and that I might need his help with stuff like that. He had agreed, yet when the time came to help he didn't really. Whenever he did, he would complain about it pretty quickly.

Then the sex. He wasn't good at it. I thought if we practiced more and communicated, that we could have fun getting better at it together. But no. If I tried to tell him what I liked he would get upset and not want to do anything anymore.THen he'd complain about me not sleeping with him.

Basically it was like living with a little kid, except he's older and wants to sleep with me. No amount of talking helped. I begged and pleaded with him to please help me because I can't run the relationship by myself. I felt like he wasn't my partner. He just needed my help all the time for EVERYTHING but when I needed help he would say "I don't know how" or he would complain about it. On the rare occasions when he did something useful he would brag about it to everyone about what a great boyfriend he is to me. Yeah right!!

I thought a boyfriend is supposed to be your partner in crime but he wasn't at all. He just dragged me down and made my life harder.
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Old 1st November 2012, 12:47 AM   #2
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Be glad you're out of that relationship..at least you won't be wasting your time anymore with somebody who sounds like a loser.

You gave him chances and he blew it. Once you're in the arms of a better man you won't feel angry with him anymore, you'll just feel pity for his sorry selfish ass.

A man who truly loves you will be considerate, show effort and not just take and take. Charge this to experience and know you can do better
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Old 1st November 2012, 7:28 AM   #3
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He really wasn't mature enough to be in a relationship, sounds like he gave nothing.

What a complete waste of your time, and you didn't even get sexually satisfied.

Hope you didn't waste too much time with him.
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Old 1st November 2012, 8:07 AM   #4
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I admire you for having the strength to get out. Much of what you write sounds like my g/f. She contributes negatively financially (!) in that I pay all the mortgage, bills, for all our holidays, and give her an allowance (as she works "only" 4 days per wk). This doesn't stop her having many more clothes than me and spending extravagantly on special occasions (e.g. Christmas). I justify the situation by the fact I earn very comfortably (a lot more than her). I don't really mind that she doesn't pay her way, but, I do hate that she has never felt an obligation/desire to contribute (in 10 years). (I don't want to have to raise it as a topic - I want her to think it herself!). This creates a real imbalance in the relationship and leads to this feeling of her more as a dependent (i.e. child) than a lover.

Similarly - maybe mostly because of this, sex (and any sexual contact) is pretty much absent. Indeed, we went through (literally) years without and its been months without (since counselling on the matter). We are all cuddles and nothing else (see above re child-like). Had I not gone 10 years without sexual contact prior to meeting her - a long story - I suspect I would have cracked many years before.

No sex, no children, no financial contribution. She keeps a tidy house but that's partly by paying (with my money) for a cleaner! She does clothes washing and we share meals, but that's pretty where things stop. I do (and pay for) everything else.

So, yes. I've dated someone similar for 10 years+. I'm still trying to gather the strength to do something about it and time is ticking away...

Last edited by damnedifido; 1st November 2012 at 8:09 AM.. Reason: mortgage not rent
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Old 1st November 2012, 8:18 AM   #5
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Yup. My ex.

I wouldn't say he contributed NOTHING, per se, but he didn't contribute what was actually NEEDED in a relationship.

He never worked on his own issues. He never addressed the problems we had he would just ignore it, ignore me for days and then come back pressing the "reset button" hoping that things would pick up right where they left off.

He never communicated with me, PERIOD. He would keep everything bottled up inside until he exploded his emotional and verbal vomit all over me.

He was sexually selfish and never was too interested in making ME happy on that level (no oral because he had been "traumatized" in the past by it.)

He contributed only what HE thought would make me happy and what would make a happy relationship. He would do his dutiful phone calls every single day, he would make plans (although it was 95% of the time something HE wanted to do and not something I'd actually enjoy doing). He'd hold my hand and be affectionate, and he thought these were the things that made a relationship. These weren't the things I was looking for. I needed his support, his communication, for me to be able to feel secure and safe with him. I told him these things and nothing changed.

So for me, he brought nothing to the table at all.

He used to tell me all the time he wouldn't be where he was in life if it wasn't for me, that I helped him so much, supported him so much, he felt so open with me and like he was able to tell me anything (even though he really didn't.) And after he said this to me, I was like... "I'm glad you can say that about me. But I can't for one second say that about you."

I guess what they say is right, in relationships one of two things happen. Either you're there to change THEIR life, or they're there to change yours. I guess my job is done.
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Old 1st November 2012, 8:23 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SpiralOut View Post
He made more money than me at one point, yet would still borrow it from me because he can't handle it. He would rather spend it all on more hats when he owned like 40 already (not exaggerating: we counted them) than be able to pay for necessities or even to save up for trips that we were trying to go on together.
I'm pretty sure you're dating my ex. Or were. My ex is completely irresponsible with money too! He had a great job and instead of saving it he would blow it on stupid s.hit. Like hats. He had an ENTIRE black garbage bag filled with baseball hats.

He would complain and complain about how broke he was, he wasn't even able to take me out to dinner, I'd always pay my way, and then he'd go out and buy another hat, or a sports jersey. I wanted to hit him all the time. He was too broke to pay for a full dinner, but not broke enough to stop buying stuff for himself.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SpiralOut View Post
I thought a boyfriend is supposed to be your partner in crime but he wasn't at all. He just dragged me down and made my life harder.
Agreed. My ex contributed nothing but drama, pain, uncertainty, anxiety, and an overall uncomfortable, and disconnected feeling.
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Old 4th November 2012, 1:20 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by damnedifido View Post
I admire you for having the strength to get out. Much of what you write sounds like my g/f. She contributes negatively financially (!) in that I pay all the mortgage, bills, for all our holidays, and give her an allowance (as she works "only" 4 days per wk). This doesn't stop her having many more clothes than me and spending extravagantly on special occasions (e.g. Christmas). I justify the situation by the fact I earn very comfortably (a lot more than her). I don't really mind that she doesn't pay her way, but, I do hate that she has never felt an obligation/desire to contribute (in 10 years). (I don't want to have to raise it as a topic - I want her to think it herself!). This creates a real imbalance in the relationship and leads to this feeling of her more as a dependent (i.e. child) than a lover.

Similarly - maybe mostly because of this, sex (and any sexual contact) is pretty much absent. Indeed, we went through (literally) years without and its been months without (since counselling on the matter). We are all cuddles and nothing else (see above re child-like). Had I not gone 10 years without sexual contact prior to meeting her - a long story - I suspect I would have cracked many years before.

No sex, no children, no financial contribution. She keeps a tidy house but that's partly by paying (with my money) for a cleaner! She does clothes washing and we share meals, but that's pretty where things stop. I do (and pay for) everything else.

So, yes. I've dated someone similar for 10 years+. I'm still trying to gather the strength to do something about it and time is ticking away...
Thanks but I can't take credit for it ending. It was my ex who had the guts to end it. Except he took the cowardly way out by just moving out in the middle of the month and leaving me to take care of the legal and financial issues. He got tired of the fights we were having. He would rather break up with me than change his behaviour. The sad thing is that he probably saw me as the bad guy, as I kept "nagging" at him (well he wasn't doing anything!!!!!) and apparantly I was a bad gf for not sleeping with him (why the hell should I when he doesn't do stuff that I tell him I like!! HellO!??) etc etc.


Quote:
Originally Posted by KatZee View Post

He contributed only what HE thought would make me happy and what would make a happy relationship. He would do his dutiful phone calls every single day, he would make plans (although it was 95% of the time something HE wanted to do and not something I'd actually enjoy doing). He'd hold my hand and be affectionate, and he thought these were the things that made a relationship. These weren't the things I was looking for. I needed his support, his communication, for me to be able to feel secure and safe with him. I told him these things and nothing changed.

So for me, he brought nothing to the table at all.
Sounds like my ex. He did things he thought made a relationship good. Like he would buy me roses whenever we'd had a fight, and after a few times of this happening I finally told him that although it's sweet of him to buy me roses my favourite flowers are actually something else. So he kept buying me roses because he thought they were romantic even though he knew I didn't like them. Which is the complete opposite of being romantic!! Or he'd write me a poem that said how much he loved me, leave it for me on the bed to read but he'd be drinking beer in front of the TV and would ask me to watch Family Guy with him even though he knows I hate that show. Or he would cook dinner, but it would be something that I had told him many many times that I was tired of eating. But he'd make it anyway and expect me to be excited about it even though I'd told him just yesterday that I really hate that dish.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KatZee View Post
He used to tell me all the time he wouldn't be where he was in life if it wasn't for me, that I helped him so much, supported him so much, he felt so open with me and like he was able to tell me anything (even though he really didn't.) And after he said this to me, I was like... "I'm glad you can say that about me. But I can't for one second say that about you."

I guess what they say is right, in relationships one of two things happen. Either you're there to change THEIR life, or they're there to change yours. I guess my job is done.
Yep same here. He, and also members of his family had made comments about how his life was different and better because of me. I just found out he has moved to the city we were supposed to visit together but never did. I hate it that his life improved because of me while mine got screwed up. I feel like he is better prepared to have a girlfriend because of me. I was like this practice girl for him to learn all the hard lessons from and hopefully not repeat them the next time. And now here I am damaged from him. I am wary of the idea of dating again because I don't want another selfish prick who lies to me and takes and takes and takes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KatZee View Post
I'm pretty sure you're dating my ex. Or were. My ex is completely irresponsible with money too! He had a great job and instead of saving it he would blow it on stupid s.hit. Like hats. He had an ENTIRE black garbage bag filled with baseball hats.

He would complain and complain about how broke he was, he wasn't even able to take me out to dinner, I'd always pay my way, and then he'd go out and buy another hat, or a sports jersey. I wanted to hit him all the time. He was too broke to pay for a full dinner, but not broke enough to stop buying stuff for himself.




Agreed. My ex contributed nothing but drama, pain, uncertainty, anxiety, and an overall uncomfortable, and disconnected feeling.
Yeah I think the disconnected feeling was the worst. Whenever we would have a conversation that felt like we were connecting he would pull away. I felt so lonely around him. I even tried telling him that I didn't feel a connection with him and I wanted us to try and fix that but he went into denial and told me everything is fine. How could you possibly think things are fine when your girlfriend tells you to your face she's not happy? I don't understand.

Last edited by SpiralOut; 4th November 2012 at 1:23 AM..
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