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Exactly why DOES no contact usually work?


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This is the hardest thing I had ever gone through...

I cannot contact my fiance. Because he is just getting aggravated if I do.

If I leave him alone...why would that work to help me?

 

Sounds like a stupid question, but I really am having the hardest time in the world not to pick up the phone or go to his house and shout to him that I love him.

I know I cant do any of these things, but its soo hard.

What do you guys do everytime you want to do something like that?

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If I had a fiance who didn't want to hear from me, that deal would be over in about a half a second. You got the wrong guy, lady!!! What a way to begin a lifelong relationship...with the guy cutting you off at the pass. He's a sleezebag you don't need.

 

Surely you could have figured that out yourself!!!

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But see, thats what hurts the most.

hes not a sleazebag at all.

It was me being controlling and possessive all these years.

 

He didnt say he didnt want to hear from me...but when I called he was cold. Not like him.

ive been with him 8 years, I am very worried about him to be honest.

I know he is a good person..I would have never been with him this long.

He always told me he would never leave me and what a wonderful person I am.. But then we had that big blowout on Feb 3rd and he needed space for awhile.

I really didnt give it to him much. I sent 3 letters and 3 phone calls.

 

I just feel really bad.

I get really upset when people call him names, because I know in my heart that hes not a bad person. Hes bad at confrontations thats for sure. hes a shy person.

I love him with all my heart and soul.

 

I know you are trying to help..but I know who he really is.

I just cant control the way he feels right now.

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No contact works when you have split up with someone, it helps you get over them. I've never heard of it helping a relationship.

 

Tony's right - if this guy doesn't want to see you tell him to take a hike!!

 

P.s. Just read your 2nd post:

 

You can never control how someone feels. If you have a serious issue with control please get some help for this problem - it's very treatable. But whatever is wrong - you need to have a relationship with your partner or you split. If you get help will he stand by you? You'd be better off without him if he won't. And how sure are you it is all your fault? What names do people call him?

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Exactly why DOES no contact usually work?

 

In your case, your exfiance has broken it off. He has asked for no contact. It isn't desigined to work for YOU, it's designed to work for HIM.

 

I know you mentioned in another thread about having some problems with OCD. Maybe this would be a good time for you to see a therapist, refelct a little and see if you can get control of how you are feeling.

 

It's hard for ANYONE to let go of someone they love who no longer wishes to be in their life. It's painful and takes a great deal of willpower. How does someone accomplish it? They DON'T contact the person who asked them not to......especially since the main reason he called it off is due to what he considered your controlling nature. To continue contacting him can make you appear like a stalker and hinder all possibilities of you two ever getting back together.

 

Maybe while you are going thru this, maybe your doctor could give you some mediction to help you feel less anxious.

 

Go out to a movie with friends....clean the house....do ANYTHING but dwell on this situation.

 

I know this is a really tough time Sink....it DOES get better.

 

Arabess[color=red][/color]

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Eight years of living with someone controlling is much, much more than most people can put up with. You didn't get diagnosed until after he left. I do believe I said this when you first posted, but I doubt that he'll be back. Dealing with a person with a disorder is extremely exhausting. He has gone through an awful lot and I expect that the fact that it was caused by an illness won't change his weariness.

 

I'm afraid you are going to have to start facing the fact that this relationship is over. Get yourself well and then you'll be able to conduct a healthy relationship. Had that man posted about having a controlling, constantly-questioning SO for even a couple of years, we would have told him to tell that person to get treated or leave.

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I am on medication...3 of them. lol

Yes, I was diagnosed with OCD after he left.

 

Thing is though, I have never been so good to him and he KNOWS that.

 

To answer the other question...the name calling one.

People are just saying that he is being selfish and only thinking of himself, which is true... But, I still love him very much.

I dont like when people call him names...its my protective nature I guess.

 

Life sucks then you live....

I really do just want to die now.

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I have never been so good to him

 

Renee - being controlled is no fun. You weren't good to him. You weren't doing it on purpose, but you were doing it.

 

I really do just want to die now.

 

Renee - don't be like that. You have FINALLY found out the source of your problems and are on your way to fixing them!!! You will find someone terrific who won't have any history with you. You can start over fresh! But please, if you do really start feeling depressed, call your local crisis line.

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sportsloving
To answer the other question...the name calling one.

People are just saying that he is being selfish and only thinking of himself, which is true...

 

In a sense, Yes he really is thinking of himself. Self-preservation. You admitted that the relationship was hard on him... he needs to heal. And so do you.

 

You had a problem and have now gotten it diagnosed and are taking steps to overcome this... you need to be selfish and think of yourself too. You need to get healthy as you can... so you can be part of a relationship down the road, without the same outcome as this one.

 

No contact does work, it works a lot better than having your heart broke everytime you call and he is aggreviated, or you stopping by and him saying get lost. If you truly love him... give him the time and space he needs. He also needs to heal.

 

And during that no contact... get a hobby, take walks, make new friends, watch old sappy movies... and start healing.

 

Best wishes for you!

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tenderhearted
If I leave him alone...why would that work to help me?

 

'No contact' is not designed to help get your Ex back. It is designed to help you get on with your life. If your ex has asked you not to contact him, respect his wishes. It will only make matters worst when you continue to contact him. There's nothing you can do or say that is going to make him change his mind. There's nothing that anybody here on loveshack can do or tell you to do to get him back. You really need to be open to what everyone is saying. Please accept that it's over. Only then will you be able to make progress and move on.

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overseas2004

Hi Renee

 

Everybody is telling you teh right thing. And I know its hard.

 

I have to reflect back on my relationship. YOu know the problems I had. My ex had psychological problems as well. And I tried to stick it out with him as you know. What I ended up doing is getting really really tired and hurt.

 

I would not really want to have a lifetime of this. You have gone and started to treat your problem and that is such a hugely positive step. It means you understand your problem and are ready to face it.

 

You have to stop contacting him not because it is better for you but because he has expressed this desire. And because yes... if there is any chance you are driving nails into the coffin with every letter and every phone call.

 

You have a lot of healing to do now. You must occupy your time with this. It is so much more your priority now than your relationship with him. Because if you don't get well and you do end up getting back with him or going with someone new that also will fail.

 

Anyway.... LOL

 

Take care

 

Natalie

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Thanks guys..

 

One thing though,, honestly..I wasnt THAT bad. I really was very very good to him. Anyone who knows us will tell you that.

Ive bent over backwards for him.

 

He is a great person...but he should at least give me some closure. Not just say "I dont know if I want to break up with you"

and then leave me hanging.

He hates confrontations...but still. We were together 8 years.

I will never be mad at him though.

I love him more than anything, and I will always will.

Regardless if I get back with him or not.

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tenderhearted
but he should at least give me some closure. Not just say "I dont know if I want to break up with you"

and then leave me hanging.

 

If he won't give you closure, then give it to yourself. Maybe he's saying "I don't know if I want to break up with you" because he knows it'll keep you hanging around longer in case his grass ain't that green on the other side.

 

Give yourself closure if he won't: irreconcilable differences.

 

The fact that you feel like he's leaving you hanging is because you are giving him that power. Don't allow him to leave you hanging. Close the door on him! Tell yourself that it's not up to him whether or not you two have a relationship again.

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Renee,

 

That was also the word my husband used when he left... he needs space..... At first, I couldn't accept the fact that he left, although i know that it was my fault. I had Post-Natal Depression and he couldn't tolerate it. He left me with a 2 month old kid. I couldn't fathom the idea that he suddenly had a total turn-around. The man I met 4 years ago is the exact opposite of the man I'm with now. He said he got fed up with my whining.

 

With every separation there are lessons that are learned. We must not expect the best always.... it would be much to expect the worst in a relationship. After all, the only thing constant in this world is change.You have to move on and live with your life. Let's just say that when he told you before that he will never leave you, he meant that on that exact moment.

 

Think of it this way, it's much better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It's a fact yet it hurts, we only realize the importance of a person when they are no longer with us.

 

Lani

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Originally posted by Erlani

Renee,

 

Love is like the air........you'll never know it's there 'til you feel it,

...............youll never know it's gone ' til you need it.

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