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Lost in the mess


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Ok so Im not sure where to really begin here...

 

My ex and I met approximately 1 year ago, I had just gotten out of long relationship shortly before this. She was still in one with the father of her son. Shortly after we began talking she broke up with him and things started moving fast. Soon after she was staying at my place or me at hers for a couple nights a week. We both have children so we decided to take the nights that we had our children to just spend with them for the time being.

 

Problems began to show about 2 months in when she for military purposes had to partake in family day events which her ex would also be present in since they both were apart of the military. Later on that day, I found out not only did they spend time together at this event, but she actually went to his house and drove there with his family. Obviously this upset me especially since none of this was mentioned to me. She quickly pushed back and said she needed time and proceeded to go out that night with a bunch of people from her unit. The next day after she was done with drill she came over to the house and basically told me she was wrong and was going to tell me. When I had asked if she was coming over to break up with me she said she didn't really know what she was going to do when she seen me.

 

Well the next day me and her went back to our normal jobs, we work together... Things fell back into a grove and for the next 2 months things went as well as they ever have in the relationship.

 

Unfortunately one of her friends from the military past away and she was going to attend his funeral. For about the 3 days before leaving to go down to the funeral she seemed to become very emotionally distant, almost angry at my every move. And sure enough before she left decided she we need some time apart. I had little to no contact for her for 4 days and we didnt see each other again till that Sunday night when she decided to come over to my house, she talk about the funeral and week for about 20 minutes, then all of a sudden said. I think we should break up again.

 

Well the next day at work things slowly started to turn around, she reached out to me and started some pointless chatter and beyond long she decided that we should still take the trip together to her family in a different state. We did and had a great time, but on the way back I found out that her and her ex had been much closer at the funeral then she had let on. She failed to tell me they went out together and even spent the night at the same place.

 

Of course at this point I was furious, said I cant forgive things like that... Well she went into a state of doing everything she could to get me back, saying I know its not going to be an easy road but I will gain your trust again, I more sure that I want you in my life now that I have ever been about anything in my life and such. She was compassionate about everything and soon again we were talking and dating. Things went well for about a month she kept this up, even gloating on facebook about how lucky she is how she couldnt ask for more. It even got to the point she started planning and searching out things for a wedding, and looking at houses.

 

Fast forward to not even two weeks later and once again following a drill weekend things just seem to be a little off, I ask her and she takes defensive position immediately. A few days later when things dont seem the same again I ask and she says she needs the time apart and we should think about things. The next day she calls in sick to work and ask if I could drop one of her things off at the house, I say ok... and go on lunch to drop it off, once again she is very defensive about her phone, and I ask about it. She says she was talking to her ex about her son and how they are going to go about it for the month that she is gone for training in a different country. But once again get really defensive, at this time I decide enough is enough. I break up with her and she agrees.

 

Not an hour after that she shows up at my place to pick up all her things and offers to talk later that night if "I" need it but she would rather keep our distance, I agree and dont contact her that night. The next we go back to would and the talk starts with things that need to be settled, like tickets we had together and things that seemed like they needed to be hashed out. Later in the day, coversations start to change, she starts talking about the relationship, and I get this IM

 

"I dont think I know this is permanent.. I dont think with you I could ever see us being apart as permanent..

it's just what is best right now"

 

Basically I answer that IM not interested in waiting anymore... Enough is enough and I will on. and I get back.

 

She says "Do you think if you recover you are going to shut me out of your life? and no longer want to be with me?"

 

Once again I say yes if I recover that is going to be it.

 

She write back "Well I gusss that is for you to decide.. because I dont have that conviction..

it may not be next month or next year but something inside me says we will eventually be together...

But like I said.. it kinda weighs on you... if you shut me out then I will let it be.."

 

Last thing written was by her and said "Im not the type of girl to ask someone to wait for, but if there was ever a time where I would ask someone to wait for for me it would be with you right now."

 

So we walked outside together had a casual goodbye and then nothing for about a day. She has been on her facebook almost too happy if that makes sense, just tons of lol's lmao, , and ! I have ignored it all as I see it as a way for her to try and get me to reach out and be like *** this doesnt bother you at all, and I wont do that.

 

Then last night about a day after contact she send me a text that say "Cards won " because that her favorite baseball team and we had a rivalry with her team and mine. I ignored the text and went to bed and I havent heard anything since. I dont know if this is her reaching out to start a convo or just being nice?

 

She is suppose to stop by Sunday to pick up the rest of her things that I found, and see if I want to talk. My plan is to hand the box over and say have fun on your month training and turn around and walk back in.

 

**Side Notes***

 

A few other things stood out from me from our relationship... Her best friend is her ex, which is entirely a problem but the part that is weird is that she still has momentous and pictures of him at her desk at work, she swears up and down they our just friends but to be honest something has always seemed a little off.

 

She is also very admit about remain friends with her child's dad, to the point where they can attend the child birthday parties together, and hang out at times with both her and his familys together.

 

And I guess the best way that I can describe her personality is "prisoner of the moment". Even with her friends she will talk to them about everything for about a week or two then start talking to someone else for while rotating through a list of friends, no consistency. When she is at work its all about work, when she is at the military its all about the military.

 

***Is this possible***

 

From looking at things online she seems to fit the personality of a narcissistic.

 

Very concerned about her image at work, that her rate of work is faster than others, and being the center of attention, and the perception that others have of her. I am the lead on her team there and for some reason maybe that is what the attraction is.

 

Another clue may have been when she told me (though she said it jokingly) at the time "Easier to ask for forgiveness, than permission". She lived by this in our relationship. She would do something her way, and would hope that I would end up being OK with it. If I wasnt that's when we needed time apart. Aka not agreeing with how the funeral weekend went, or her talking to her ex behind my back... That's when she says we need a break.

 

Also the constant loop of the relationship. CRAZY hot one week, then cold and distance the next. Talks about who and where to have a wedding mid Sept, broke up early Oct.

 

Also the fact that she shows no emotion to the relationship, not sad not anything, she says she is very good at burying things, but I dont think I know anyone who brought up thoughts of marriage themselves and are able to shut that off in two weeks. And know a break-up is what she wants.

 

In the end its been like a crazy roller coaster: instant connection hard and strong then break-up, things go great for 2 months then break-up, talks of marriage and house then break-up. Also these all coincided with military events.

 

**Conclusion**

 

The nice thing is that in two days she will be going with her unit on training for 21 days giving me time to recover from all of this. The bad thing is this is all just so sudden and hard to understand, trying to get closure is impossible and I just have to do that myself. Because after those 21 days we will be back at work together with in 30 feet of each other. And unable to avoid them.

 

I guess Im just looking for anyone that has been through similar something?

 

Or can explain this behavior at all?

 

In the end im sad things ended up this way as she really did make me happy for a time.

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Just a few thoughts here:

 

- You were not ready to get into a new relationship, so in a way she was your rebound. Are you responsible for her break-up with the father of her child? Or did you support it by reinforcing her doubts that this what she should do? She didn't have any time to re-adjust, so you were also her rebound.

 

- He's the father of her child, and that is a bond you can never compete with (doesn't mean you can't have a strong bond with her, but it's of a different kind). They will always have the child that connects them to one another, and unless their break-up was messy (physically abusive, etc.), they will always be close. You'll have to come to peace with that if you date someone who has a child with someone else.

 

- She doesn't seem to know what she wants, and it's probably normal. She may well have "used" you (not in a deliberate, malicious way) to get out of her relationship that she no longer wanted. Unfortunately, when someone does that then their next relationship doesn't have a high survival chance. It's not so different from rebounding.

 

- This looks like a mess and I would probably walk away from it. But that's just my current mindset with relationships that go bad so quickly or that are just so screwed up that trying to fix them is as futile as attempting to glue together a vase that dropped to the floor. After my own messy relationship I'm rather focused on how something feels to me, and I won't do relationships or friendships that don't feel natural (doesn't mean easy or problem-free, just nothing that requires you to act from a position of fear or that makes you feel you can't be yourself).

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Just a few thoughts here:

 

- You were not ready to get into a new relationship, so in a way she was your rebound. Are you responsible for her break-up with the father of her child? Or did you support it by reinforcing her doubts that this what she should do? She didn't have any time to re-adjust, so you were also her rebound.

 

- He's the father of her child, and that is a bond you can never compete with (doesn't mean you can't have a strong bond with her, but it's of a different kind). They will always have the child that connects them to one another, and unless their break-up was messy (physically abusive, etc.), they will always be close. You'll have to come to peace with that if you date someone who has a child with someone else.

 

- She doesn't seem to know what she wants, and it's probably normal. She may well have "used" you (not in a deliberate, malicious way) to get out of her relationship that she no longer wanted. Unfortunately, when someone does that then their next relationship doesn't have a high survival chance. It's not so different from rebounding.

 

- This looks like a mess and I would probably walk away from it. But that's just my current mindset with relationships that go bad so quickly or that are just so screwed up that trying to fix them is as futile as attempting to glue together a vase that dropped to the floor. After my own messy relationship I'm rather focused on how something feels to me, and I won't do relationships or friendships that don't feel natural (doesn't mean easy or problem-free, just nothing that requires you to act from a position of fear or that makes you feel you can't be yourself).

 

- No I didn't rush her to leave her ex. She had found out that he had cheated on her for the third time and that is why she decided to leave. I did support that decision, but during that time I was very much "you have to do what makes you happy"

 

- Yeah, that may have been the trouble but she has lied to me about experiences with him many times and it made it hard to trust her at all.

 

- Agreed

 

- Doubly agree, just sometimes its getting the emotions to line up with the mind.

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