esstea Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 REWIND. Alright. I'm going to make the assumption that most of you are here because you were indeed the "dumpee" and not "dumper". The majority at least. Now if you could go back in time to when you first noticed the signs of a decline in your relationship, what would you do? Would you do things differently? Or would you see in hindsight that there were many fatal problems you both had and would just accept it and break up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author esstea Posted September 30, 2012 Author Share Posted September 30, 2012 Even if you weren't the dumpee but the dumper, have you ever regretted a decision that you could have done differently instead of giving up on the relationship? I'm curious to hear your guys' opinions/stories. Link to post Share on other sites
Alek212 Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Instead of putting her before myself, I would have asked for some time away from her, so that I could cool down for a period of time. However, I didn't want her to be alone and depressed, so I just let her stay around me. I never really got the "space" or me time that I needed in the relationship to just calm down and be relax and I guess that sort of contributed to our breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
JayL Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 I wish I had stepped on the brakes and took things slower. Her and I went too fast, I started developing feelings for her but she didn't. We turned out to be on different pages in life, now here I am... hurt. Although, I had done my part as her boyfriend and did not lack in anything, except I had needs and expectations that were not met in the "relationship", hence always caused our arguments. I felt that I was just an option, that I was neglected, that I was the only one putting effort in the relationship. When I showed affection, half the time she did not reciprocate, which annoyed me and always caused arguments. Turns out she realized just over 6 weeks that she was not that into me, but gave it a shot because of the qualities I posses that she wants in a potential future husband. I wish I saw her roller coaster emotions as warning signs that she really was not feeling anything for me, hence just interested due to what I can offer. I wish I had walked away when I had the chance. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrops11 Posted September 30, 2012 Share Posted September 30, 2012 Even if you weren't the dumpee but the dumper, have you ever regretted a decision that you could have done differently instead of giving up on the relationship? I'm curious to hear your guys' opinions/stories. hm kind of. I was the dumper and regret not properly showing my anger about the things that bothered me just so I could keep the relationship lovely. This meant when I finally ended it, it was a total shock to him and was too late for him to make any lifestyle changes that annoyed me (i moved back home from uni). I mean the outcome probably been the same but if we'd had more arguments it would have been a more natural progression instead of such a blunt and painful end. I.e we would have argued more, he'd have tried to change his habits, they'd probs just have reverted back, frustrate me and therefore would have probs ended it but i never got to know for certain. Link to post Share on other sites
Sameold Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 I would have taken her mood swings and the lack of sex as red flags. Sometimes in a LTR living together when you are both working hard in different locations you can go a while without though. Irrespective next time when I feel there might be any kind of problem at all I am going to dig dig dig from the start so I don't have to go detective on their ass afterwards. It is sad but I'll never ever be so trusting as with my first love. Link to post Share on other sites
thembones Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 I would have asked her to marry me long ago. But like she said, it is better to have happened now, rather than when we were married, had kids, etc. So I guess I am glad that it happened now, although I don't believe it yet entirely. It is for the best and I understand that. Link to post Share on other sites
Floored Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 I can think of four big flags throughout the year, and each time they were somehow twisted back to be my fault. I pushed through because of a stupid old-timey sense of perseverance, thinking it would all be worth it in the end since it is our struggles that define us, hence our mutual struggle in the relationship should help build us up. They didn't, I was stupid. Now, I would take them for what they were and end it at any of them. I allowed the progression with every time I forgave her, and she would push the boundaries of appropriateness again. If you're asking if I would somehow change something fatal so that we would still be together, I'll say no; I tried fixing those problems. Some people have a fatal personality and there isn't any fixing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Berna Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 I would have taken the things slower; I would have tried to be calmer; I would have broken up with him from day 1. But since he was my first relationship, I went in it with my heart. I made many mistakes, and was hurt more than I should. Ah well, at least I've learned something from this experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Hobbit Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 hm kind of. I was the dumper and regret not properly showing my anger about the things that bothered me just so I could keep the relationship lovely. This meant when I finally ended it, it was a total shock to him and was too late for him to make any lifestyle changes that annoyed me (i moved back home from uni). I mean the outcome probably been the same but if we'd had more arguments it would have been a more natural progression instead of such a blunt and painful end. I.e we would have argued more, he'd have tried to change his habits, they'd probs just have reverted back, frustrate me and therefore would have probs ended it but i never got to know for certain. Exactly the same, except I was the dumpee. Link to post Share on other sites
Liz2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 I'd definitely go back months before the BU and have big open eyes or the secret knowledge. I had NO SINGLE clue my RS was going to end. NONE. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrops11 Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Exactly the same, except I was the dumpee. as in she had things that were bothering her about you, didn't tell you and then ended it when it was too late for you to try and change anything? Link to post Share on other sites
Hobbit Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 as in she had things that were bothering her about you, didn't tell you and then ended it when it was too late for you to try and change anything? yup. nail on the head. She wouldn’t even come to a relationship councilor with me Basically we never argued thus we never moved forward I’m so gutted because I would have done anything Link to post Share on other sites
TopCat22 Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Yep, would have seen the red flags and dealt with them there and then. She was such a closed book, I didn't see the end coming. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Still learnt very valuable RS lessons! Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrops11 Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 yup. nail on the head. She wouldn’t even come to a relationship councilor with me Basically we never argued thus we never moved forward I’m so gutted because I would have done anything ah i'm sorry to hear that Hobbit. I feel awful that i kind of did the same thing to someone i love . I regret not having arguments or ever critisizing him just so i wouldn't hurt his feelings and try to keep it 'perfect'. I thought i was being nice but it meant i ripped his heart out of the blue. Learnt a big lesson for future relationships. Also, i'm visiting his uni city next week. It's been 4 months since we broke up and since we've seen each other. We've been on NC for a month but we agreed i'd message when I visit. I still have feelings but a relationship is out the question and i've made that clear. Do you reckon it's bad/cruel idea to meet up like agreed? Should I message him to say im messaging like agreed but i actually think its a bad idea to see you? Or not message at all? He'll be very angry/hurt at this but will probably be for the best for him even if he hates me for it? I just care about him 100% tbh and want to do the right thing for him even if it means he hates me! Link to post Share on other sites
Hobbit Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 ah i'm sorry to hear that Hobbit. I feel awful that i kind of did the same thing to someone i love . I regret not having arguments or ever critisizing him just so i wouldn't hurt his feelings and try to keep it 'perfect'. I thought i was being nice but it meant i ripped his heart out of the blue. Learnt a big lesson for future relationships. Also, i'm visiting his uni city next week. It's been 4 months since we broke up and since we've seen each other. We've been on NC for a month but we agreed i'd message when I visit. I still have feelings but a relationship is out the question and i've made that clear. Do you reckon it's bad/cruel idea to meet up like agreed? Should I message him to say im messaging like agreed but i actually think its a bad idea to see you? Or not message at all? He'll be very angry/hurt at this but will probably be for the best for him even if he hates me for it? I just care about him 100% tbh and want to do the right thing for him even if it means he hates me! I'd leave it, it's too soon (been nearly 4 months for me too). The pain is still raw, and if he's like me, he will still want more at this point in time. Allow him get over you You both at least have the luxury of NC, I have a kid with my ex and I see her nearly every day FYI, you're not a horrible person for doing what you did, you're ex cant force you to live a lie, but understand that way in which you broke it off has a) destroyed all the trust and b) completely broken his heart. If you want to remain friends it is going to be very, very difficult IMO Can I ask you one thing.... if he were truly to turn it around, sort his life out, have some focus, would you ever consider taking him back? Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrops11 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 I'd leave it, it's too soon (been nearly 4 months for me too). The pain is still raw, and if he's like me, he will still want more at this point in time. Allow him get over you You both at least have the luxury of NC, I have a kid with my ex and I see her nearly every day FYI, you're not a horrible person for doing what you did, you're ex cant force you to live a lie, but understand that way in which you broke it off has a) destroyed all the trust and b) completely broken his heart. If you want to remain friends it is going to be very, very difficult IMO Can I ask you one thing.... if he were truly to turn it around, sort his life out, have some focus, would you ever consider taking him back? ah gosh that must be 100 times harder for you having a kid together and seeing her every day . Hope it gets better for you eventually . and yeah i get i've totally ripped his heart and ruined his trust (and his trust in any girl) which is torturous knowing i'm the cause of that. At the time I just thought 'that's who he is, you either accept it or not, don't, don't be a bitch and try to change him' and didn't want him to muck up his exams (which he did anyway lol). Totally regret that approach. As for your question. If he were to TRULY TRULY to change his lifestyle (i.e totally stop playing video games. stop smoking, having weed, spending 24/7 in his room, start going out, get a job, a hobby, become hardworking etc) then yeah i guess i would. But i'd want him to do that for himself, not for me. & tbh if he got that point, he would probably be at a stage where he'd be mentally stronger and so not 'need' me anymore and want someone who accepted him as he was. But also, i'd hate to take him back in for him to revert back to his habits again and for the doubts to creep back in, idk if it would be worth the risk. I don't know if people can truly change that much anyway. Like have you 'changed' since you BU? and did your ex end it saying she still had strong feelings too? Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 To ask answer your question I would say about a year ago I notice things were starting to change asked if everything was ok with us and was told yes maybe about 6 months later I found out he had a new girlfriend. Never even knew I had been dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulOnFire Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 REWIND. Alright. I'm going to make the assumption that most of you are here because you were indeed the "dumpee" and not "dumper". The majority at least. Now if you could go back in time to when you first noticed the signs of a decline in your relationship, what would you do? Would you do things differently? Or would you see in hindsight that there were many fatal problems you both had and would just accept it and break up? I wouldn't have been so naive when this chick at work decided she wanted to be his best friend. I would have tried. As much as he seems to like her I don't know if it would have been any different, but I would have made a much bigger effort. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hobbit Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 ah gosh that must be 100 times harder for you having a kid together and seeing her every day . Hope it gets better for you eventually . and yeah i get i've totally ripped his heart and ruined his trust (and his trust in any girl) which is torturous knowing i'm the cause of that. At the time I just thought 'that's who he is, you either accept it or not, don't, don't be a bitch and try to change him' and didn't want him to muck up his exams (which he did anyway lol). Totally regret that approach. As for your question. If he were to TRULY TRULY to change his lifestyle (i.e totally stop playing video games. stop smoking, having weed, spending 24/7 in his room, start going out, get a job, a hobby, become hardworking etc) then yeah i guess i would. But i'd want him to do that for himself, not for me. & tbh if he got that point, he would probably be at a stage where he'd be mentally stronger and so not 'need' me anymore and want someone who accepted him as he was. But also, i'd hate to take him back in for him to revert back to his habits again and for the doubts to creep back in, idk if it would be worth the risk. I don't know if people can truly change that much anyway. Like have you 'changed' since you BU? and did your ex end it saying she still had strong feelings too? I have started to change, after many sessions with a councillor I have my own life goals and I want to go out an achieve them. I turned 30 last year and dont have much to show for it so I think now is the perfect time for change. The problem I had is that I never had any drive to do anything, I liked being in my comfort zone too much. Since the BU I am learning to drive, going back to college part time doing graphic design, making music again, DJing again, joined a gym, started to dress my age (cant remain in my skater attire forever lol), cut down on the booze, I eat healthily now and am looking for a new career. The BU was definatley the catylist, but understand that this is all for me, not her, and I feel like I can take on the world at the mo Only time will tell but at the moment she's made it clear that she doesnt want me romantically (she loves me but isnt IN love with me), plus I dont trust her now. I think if she asked me back today my heart would say yes but my head would say no. I dont think I could go through the pain of the first few weeks of the BU again, the risk it too great, she'd have to show me that she's changed too (i.e. never bury her head in the sand again until its too late) Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 yeah. there are some things from my last relationship i'd totally do differently. i'd have been meaner to her and acted like more of a douchebag. i also would have supported her getting advice from immature abused women who somehow knew everything about love and relationships and how women should be treated. oh yeah, i'd also go back in time and have more money. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author esstea Posted October 2, 2012 Author Share Posted October 2, 2012 Wow all your responses are great! I'm glad in hindsight you've all realized some things. I just realized I didn't really answer the question myself, so here's what I'd probably do differently: I would have let go of most of our fights. Me and an ex had SO many insignificant arguments that we basically turned what was nothing into something. Love makes you crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
mvc Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 most likely wouldnt do anything differently as i dont know what the hell went wrong Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I'd definitely go back months before the BU and have big open eyes or the secret knowledge. I had NO SINGLE clue my RS was going to end. NONE. Same here. No clue or I just refused to see them. I really REALLY wish I had known there was an OM. That would have made a difference. I would have confronted him and his wife about all this. I also regret pleading, crying and begging her. That is the number one mistake most of us make. I wish I would have went out like a man. The minutes she told me she didnt want me anymore I should have gotted dressed up, got some cash out of the ATM and went to the clubs to see what my future was going to be like. The reality is that I begged her and would have done anything to hold on to our marriage. She knew that but it didnt matter to her. That's what some people just dont get here. Once they are done with you, they are DONE. End of story and nothing you can do except for yourself. I actually did change for the better myself. ButI didnt do it to get her back. I did it for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Sokar23 Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I have to say that I would have noticed the red flags in our first year as I did sweep them under the rug. The fact that her and her mum were always together and it was always a date for three whenever we went out. We did not go out on our own untill nearly 10 months on which was to swimming has her mum hated water that was the only refuge. I also feel stupid and used for how I always took her mum shopping picking them up driving around etc etc it was terrible. I am well out of it even if I do still feel lonely and angry about the past. She was also way too immature and did not want to grow up so much so 4 weeks on and her new boyfriend is 15 and she is 21. Benefit of hindsight I guess Link to post Share on other sites
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