Dating again...but not sure I'm over the ex

[Pogona]

I've met a pretty cool girl, we've been on a few dates and have a couple others planned, so things are going well. But like my title says, I don't feel like I'm totally over my last relationship, which ended about 2 months ago. As stupid as I know that is, I don't think it's something I can help. I've tried to push those feelings aside, but that hasn't worked so far.

 

Has anyone else been through this? The last time I went through a bad breakup, I didn't date again until I was totally over that girl. I want to put myself out there, I don't want to sit around and be an emotional cripple this time, but I'm worried this could cause problems for me.

 

What do I need to watch out for, and how should I proceed? Thanks.

Edited September 26, 2012 by Pogona

[suladas]

If you've been out with someone new and like them if that isn't enough to get over you're ex you might just need more time. I knew before I went out I was pretty much over my ex, but then again I went on one date and realized I want to be single right now. Or is your problem you don't know if the new girl is as good as the ex? I don't know that there is a sure way to know if you're over them. Even if you get feelings for someone new it doesn't mean you're over your ex either.

[JustALittleBit]

Don't go there. It is extremely cruel on the girl, because she is probably ready to give you everything and she will pick up on the tiny signs you will show that you aren't totally into her because there's someone else sharing your mind. I've been there and it completely sucks.

 

The fact that you've said she's a 'pretty cool girl' also suggest that you think there might be potential there. By going into this now, you will 100% ruin any potential because your relationship will not be starting with two people equally wanting it and willing to give it all. My guy that did this will never get me a second time, because I have lost all respect for him knowing that he didn't have the self awareness, maturity or compassion to hold off on pursuing me.

 

She WILL know this in time. Your relationship will deteriorate as she wants to get closer and you will be confused. My advice - be upfront with her, tell her you've realised you might not be ready for a relationship yet and still need to work through things and you'd love it if you could go your separate ways for the meantime to give you some time and would it be ok if in a few months you could contact her and see if she's still single and interested in picking up where you've left off?

 

Of course it runs the risk that she'll find someone else, as may you, but that's unlikely realistically. And if you DON'T take that option, you will 100% sabotage this relationship anyway and she will be left heartbroken and feeling crap and you will just feel guilty and have to deal with the end of that relationship AND the previous one that you avoided by being with her.

[g450]

I went though this myself early on. They say the best way to get over a woman is to get under a new one. Its really not that simple.

 

Dating after this is a double edged sword. On the dark side there is a chance that the person you date may get attached and start seeing you as relationship material and she could get hurt. She doesnt deserve that.

 

Although I am now married, my feelings for my XW did cause some issues between us when dating. And ironically my GF was even more hung up on her XH and we broke up because of it early on. Those days are thankfully over. The drama was draining and stressful.

 

On the bright side of dating, it is one hell of an ego booster to go out with a new woman after being married for 20+ years and treated like crap by your XW. Especially after having sex. It defenitely wakes you up and makes you feel alive again as well as younger.

 

With that said, I would not so much date but maybe find a girl who simply wants to have fun without getting serious. They are out there. Try your local club etc.

 

Sadly though, you cant control who you fall in love with or if she falls for you. But honestly, not all rebound relationships are doomed to fail. Im living proof of that.